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  • Let's debate this-Stepparents

    I was reading an article about a 2nd wife and her role as the stepparent to her husband's children. She was saying that she had a difficult time with disciplining the children as the mother would get angry and state she had no right to do so.

    For those of you in a situation with an additional adult in the picture, what are your thoughts on this. Should a step parent be able to step in correct a child when they are misbehaving or should that only fall in the realm of the biologicial parents?

  • #2
    A step parent is no different when it comes to instilling morale and other values on a child. And they can correct and discipline too. Do we give teachers a job interview? Daycare providers? Coaches? Okay we might at some level, but you get the point. We have to respect and trust other adults that come into contact with our children and for those people to install values and also be able to guide the child. And that may be giving your child a 2-minute timeout.

    Now, out-of-line things are not tolerated. And as long as the adult is doing appropriate actions, I don't have a problem. It sounds like the mother is controlling and/or ensecure. I have seen it before in many people.

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    • #3
      I think this is a really tough issue for many families, and no wonder; "discipline" is an extremely subjective topic, with so many factors to consider. Not the least of which is whether or not the stepparent has children, or whether or not the new couple will have children together. There has to be consistency within their family unit with respect to all children, yet the biological parent's thoughts are very relevant, too.

      I have yet to experience the situation first-hand, but I dread the day it comes. I guess the best situation would be for the parents to have consensus between them, and preferably a reasonably good co-parenting history, and for all the adults to behave respectfully toward one another and communicate regularily.

      How often does that happen?

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      • #4
        I think step parents are in a weird grey area. They can really step over what they should be doing at times. They really have to watch it. Like any person disciplining your children who aren't you. Sure we trust a teacher/babysitter to do the same - but would you want your babysitter/grandmother /aunt / friend giving your child a time out while you are standing there?

        I agree - families need consistency and kids need to know what the "rules" are- and basically they may end up with two sets of rules for each house. They may be allowed to put their feet up on the coffee table at one place and not at the other- no wonder kids get a bit messed up from divorce;-)

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        • #5
          I'm in a situation where I'll be moving in with my girlfriend in a few weeks. We have decided that she will not be assuming a parenting role to my kids. She wants it this way. We won't be referring to her as "step-mom" or anything like that. They are my kids and I am responsible for discipline and decisions.

          Of course, there is common sense in all of this too. Even though she won't have a parenting role, she is still a responsible adult and the kids will have to listen to her. This is no different from an aunt or very close friend in that regard.

          The kids have a mom who they are with 50% of the time and we think that this will be best for everyone.

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          • #6
            depends...

            Dad of Two,

            It's fine for your GF to not take a parental role with your children, but then you can NEVER leave her in a position of responsibility for your chldren because you are not giving her any daily authority.

            My children's stepmother tried this approach and it backfired because my children don't respect her as a parent and in the end, like it or not, when they are in her home, she is a parent. Now when she must discipline them as a parent they don't respond.

            I think it's better to establish at least a role of authority if not a "parental" role.

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            • #7
              The role of authority has been established. Teachers, daycare providers, babysitters, aunts, uncles, grandparents and elders in general all have authoritative roles without being "parents".

              The shared custody situation is unique in that the kids have two homes and high levels of contact with both natural parents. It is the natural parents who have parenting rights and responsibilities to the children.

              I think the term "step-mom" or "step-dad" conjures up images of The Brady Bunch and the idea that the other parent just does not exist or does one weekend a month for cotton candy at the circus.

              This is just my point of view.

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              • #8
                Perhaps we are confusing two things: responsibility of upbringing vs discipline? I agree that the two biological parents are in charge of the upbringing, but if a kid steps out of line, I would hate for a step-mom/dad to have to wait until the biologinal parent steps in. To me it certainly erodes their poistion. Certainly the biological parent of the house sets the ground rules, but they can differ between houses.

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