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  • Sorry think I'm "double dipping" the post

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    The sun shines this morning..i hate self pity...but it's all so sad. We moved from Van. Island a little over 2 years ago. (I'm from here) into a big beautiful old farmhouse on an acre and a third. Built and opened a little shop on the property.....dug in gardens...so much work..so much hope. Everything fell apart, the edges were frayed before. My "husband" can be so good...but he can also be so cruel. It was always there underneath..the anger and the white rages he could fly into if provoked...but always it would be my fault...he was just "controlling me". An argument gone awry, even our boy when he was little (before school age) would feel Daddys anger physically. (I should have left then but ;life is never black and white, only shades of grey) It is not as if these outburts took place every Saturday night in all of almost 18 years there were maby only, I don't know........who counts But since we have come here the last two times were very bad and the last one in particular scared me. He threatened my life and then he tried to break my neck, but according to him...not that we ever would speak of it...the next day would come...bring me a cup of tea, flowers, whatever and we move on, I know now (from others) he "justified" his actions... according to him I exagerated etc.

    There is a certain protection in anonimity and so I shall tell you of my great "sin". As of a few years ago, and especially since we came here..I sought escape in alcohol. Not every day, and not bombed out of my mind. But I would sneak something in.. wine, a mickey of something and sneak a few drinks, usually in the afternoon...it didn't hurt then. It drove him insane. So many fights..horrible names he called me and always in front of the kids, he felt justified...and the more his "justification" grew the more my intent to continue drinking grew. He'd look for my "stash..tear closets apart, in some twisted way I felt I felt that I had gained some "power" of my own. It was the one thing he couldn't control. He couldn't find the bottle. Oh God I must sound like I'm an Elizabeth Taylor in "Virginia Wolfe". He painted a picture to anyone who would listen, I was roaring stinking drunk everyday..I drove drunk..I staggered around the yard..all of our money I was burning up in ciggaretts and booze, he phoned my brother, my sister...and even my mother, telling them I was a drunk and I was "making this family disfuctional". But it wasn't like that at all. I just wanted some escape.
    After he was removed I started making discoveries. The first was that he had moved the bulk of our savings, which were in a joint account and still in B.C. into a different account in his name in "trust" 8 months prior to our seperation and several months later it just dissapeared. When he was realeased on bail he access a computer and began stripping the local bank accounts for our personal and business. He had control over the finances from the beginning I lost that fight long ago. Like his container of "medications" high up on a shelf, his "desk" and his wooden box of files I was not to "snoop".

    Lord..we cast stones at others for sins we carry ourselves. Over the years he accused me of having "secrets"..."not trusting him.."lying".."snooping" I have never had a wallet or a purse or an underware drawer that was never torn apart regularly by him.life under the microscopeand he was always looking, but under the guise of "I'm just organizing you".

    Am I painting too bleak a picture? I'm not a fool, the day to day, that form the stone between the cracks in our lives was good. And I never spoke of how deep those "cracks" were to anyone in all the years. Who would believe me, He cooks, he cans, he cleans and he is so charming. So many met Dr. Jeckle and only I knew of Mr. Hyde. How many times over the years did other women tell me "your so lucky".

    And "Martin". Our son was in diapers our daughter hauling around "Barney the purple dinasaur" when Martin started to phone. He was my husbands ex-lover. That issue was delt with by my husband when he returned home. (At the time we were living on Van. Island and he was flying to work in Victoria..gone three days and two nights of each week..he came home I went to work. I didn't want to live there and we fought about that to. I never met anyone my husband worked with..It was as if he had his own "other life" on the mainland.)
    Martin had a phoney baloney English Shakespiean accent. Every time Ron hurt Evan when he was small right up until last July when he stood over me Mocking..Jeering..'OH THE FAINTING SWAN THE FAINTING SWAN YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT ACTOR" the voice he mocked in was always Martin's voice. So although Martin was never spoken of by me it was as if he followed us into the marraige.
    But I did speak of Martin that day last summer...it had been over a month of absolute hell..Ron calling fights off and on.. like a light switch.."I don't want to fight with you anymore"..followed within hours of actions such as kicking one of my little dogs. So many other actions...his removal of the "shop" credit card and attending a new furniture action..spending 7thousand 5 hundred dollars to gut our home on a wim.we don't even have drapes in this house...since we came here Ron had developed "Auction Fever"..second hand bedroom furniture purchased by him three weeks prior was announced as "junk".......thus the new auction. The Skylar furniture we had purchsed from Victoria a few years proir to the move and paid a buck a pound to have shipped from B.C. dragged out to the lawn........Oh Lord what's the point of rambling on...I could write a novel contained just within the events a month leading up to that day, never mind so many years before.

    I've gotten a list of the medications my husband was taking since we've been here..I've sent for the same from the pharmacy in B.C. two of which are for what is labeled "Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder" the other two directly related but does it matter.

    In the end I shall lose everything..our home..our lives. I speak with a councellor occasionaly I take my children to counciling as well. But I still can't help but feel that this is of my own doing. If I could go back is there something I could have done to prevent July the 5th. I never phoned the police that night, I called a hotline for abused women and somehow wound up on the path tht has led me here. But I don't want to be here.

    He took all the money and has it still....most in the end will be eaten in litigation. The case was "dismissed" in criminal court due to lack of evidence. He didn't break my neck that day.and the injuries I showed to a doctor the year before I would not let him document because I didn't want to press charges that day..........I just wanted someone to know. Fool. Maby I still just want someone to know.
    .
    I know that at other times in the past I have cast eyes above and asked for strength..been granted such....and somewhere down the road realised that to get to a good place I had to walk throught the shadows. And I do ask still for stength and have been granted enough to see me this far. But when my eyes fall from haven above and need be cast back to the earth below I feel as though I can only stand still. This road is so rocky and my ankles are weak.

  • #2
    I am so sympathy to what you have gone through "Howdoigethere".

    Life is never easy. Everyone has his/her own suffering. I thought I were the most pity one, now I know that my situations seems minor. I have been struggling for over 20 years. However, now I found that spiritual support from the religion is so powful.
    My mind is peaceful, although I have been abandoned. I don't rush to sue for the divorce.

    I will do my best to be the commander for my life. The past is gone, the future is uncertain and the present is what we have. Everything is impermanent.

    Please stay well with kids.

    Wish you all the best.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thankyou Palden

      "I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes....until I met a man that had no feet"...............this morning was a relapse but today the sun did shine. I went for a walk with my dogs....had a chat with the Lord (lovely thing about the country...a wagon does not show up to usher you into the back.."watch your head mam'e.") and I came home to 'poop and scoop" (dogs poop I scoop)............ fix signs for the shop.....gather garbage off the lawn (drat those recycling pickup guys)....straighten..sort....sweep. Sometimes if I organize the world around me the internal follows suit.
      I admit I was most discouraged to see the viewings to my thread and no replys.....until yours. My "admittance"...in my opening story I know from research and counceling.... was not the "cause" of but rather the "result" of. Nonetheless.........I have always been the first to wear the "hair shirt". I hope through "chats" in this forum, I can take it off for good....JO

      Comment


      • #4


        howdIgethere,

        I am so pleased to meet you here. It is the karma. I was searching "Divorce Support" from google and got into your thread.

        Yes, through "chats" would be better. My friend has seen consultant for 3 years but just helped very little.

        I have seen the other thread "introduction". When available, I should also introduce myself as well. If not because of my husband (suppose to be ex but legally he is) I would never be a religious person. The more he hurts me the more I have strong faith in religion.

        Although raining season is so long but it gives plant life. When it is much too sunny you need air conditioner or even pray for rain. Now I am grateful that I have hands to hold, feet to walk, eyes to see.

        The air is free for breath.

        Cheers!


        Comment


        • #5
          Howdigethere,

          You hung in for an awfully long time -- your husband has a personality disorder, there is nothing more you could have done. It is understandable that you tried to cope in any way possible. You've done your time. Get out and get on with the rest of your life by whatever means you can. One day you will meet someone who will treat you right and you will look back and be amazed that you put up with so much for so long....

          Comment

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