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  • Mother and Step-Father telling kids...

    My kids used to come to me with things that were being said about myself and my family in their household but I used to just brush it off.

    It is getting worse and everytime they come the things I am hearing are sounding to be more and more damaging to my character and I wonder how I should handle the situation.

    I dont want to get into specifics but the gist of it is my ex and her husband are telling the kids I don't want them, I don't care about them and feeding them lies about my past about when my ex false accused me and I wound up with a record which is long gone.

    She told my 12 year old I have a criminal record and it is because I abused him at 2 yrs old which is NOT true at all and the charges were dropped by her because after being questioned she broke and confessed it was not true.

    My son is now asking me what happened and is being persistent. He also is catching onto all of the lies he hears and is now being punished when he tells his mother and her sister (his aunt) to stop bashing me and talking about me infront of him. He has yet to stand up to his step-father because he is very scared of him because he gets physical. I have advised him to not get involved and to just always remember I love him, I want him and I would never hurt him.

    He is 12. I dont think he needs to know specifics but I did tell him I would never have put him in danger and it was not a good situation and he will find the truth when he is much older.

    Their mother has been consistently interfering with my weekend access, causing drama and conflict each time (puts a damper on our weekend), threatening to reduce my every other weekend visitation because routine has changed in her household.

    My wife and I went on a 3 day mini vacation on a Monday-Wednesday and the weekend prior I did miss the kids because I was away working in another province. Mother told 12 yr old "its so nice of your father to go away on a holiday on your weekend when he was supposed to see you, dont kid yourself, he doesnt want you" That is when my son stook up for me and told her that it wasnt our weekend and then asked her what are you trying to do to me mom?

    So hard to hear this crap. My wife and I have been on 2 3 day vacations in 6 years. She has taken my kids for the last 2 FULL months of August to the east coast and I gave up my visitation for her to take them because it was a good experience and it is her husbands family that lives there...just thought it would be good they be involved in his family as well. BUT now I am punished for missing those weekends and being told I didnt want them?

    She has proceeded to her lawyer all over hockey...I never was notified of it nor did I consent (a whole other topic I am not going to get into here) But she wants to reduce my visitation. There are 2 other kids that would miss out all because of hockey.

    My 12 year old wants to live with me. He has been sure about it for a year now. I dont know how to handle that than to tell him that he is always welcome but he has to be sure before I could proceed with it.

    He is sure. But again very scared of his step dad and them knowing. He figgured it was as easy as just staying here and not going home. I dont know if I should explain the process as I dont even understand it.

    Any advice how to handle this? I have been in contact with my lawyer and he is seeing a lot of parental alienation going on but says it is a long hard battle to prove.

    :/

  • #2
    I don't have any experience with child custody matters so take my comments with that in mind.

    What I have read on this forum is that it takes several years of case conferences before a person gets to trial. Your son is now 12 and I believe once child is 14 the court doesn't appear to interfere with where a 14 yr old wants to live. Unless it is a dire situation maybe you could try to increase parenting time?

    I think your lawyer is correct about PA. To have a designation of "parental alienation" one usually has to retain a clinical child psychologist who specializes in that area. PA is typically when child does notwant anything to do with parent who is being alienated. Many people get PA mixed up with parental estrangement.

    Others on here, of course, will have good advice based on their prolific reading or personal experiences.

    Comment


    • #3
      Yah this has been going on for 6 years now. The children are not "alienated". We have a good relationship and can talk pretty openly when they are upset. However when they are away for 2 weeks they are usually cut off completely from any communication with me. I will get texts from them and we will be having a good chat then all of a sudden I don't hear from them until next visit. They tell me the usually get grounded from their tablets and that means no texting dad either.

      I would just chalk it down to parental influence but man it is sure hard to not stand up for myself. 12 year old has caught on to the lies and I am sure it won't be long until the other 2 realize what is happening. There is zero bad talking of their mother and step father in our home. My wife is very good with stopping me from saying something that isn't for the kids to hear as she is a child of divorce herself...but it has come to a point that we are telling the eldest these things are not true and to not listen to them or take them to heart. He is just so sick of it that he has come to an age he is getting very defensive with his mother when he hears thins that are untrue and he is reaping the punishments for it.

      Just gotta show them my love and support.

      Wish she would stop doing this Infront of the kids. Bash me all you want but not infront of them.

      I could be easily telling them how many times mommy cheated and moved out on me but really.....I won't stoop to her level.

      Comment


      • #4
        You are dealing with potential alienation. What would be the best course of action at this point?

        Originally posted by twister777 View Post
        My wife and I went on a 3 day mini vacation on a Monday-Wednesday and the weekend prior I did miss the kids because I was away working in another province.
        That's right, abandon the kid for work.

        I gave up my visitation for her to take them
        You clearly don't value your time with your children much.

        My 12 year old wants to live with me.
        I'm sure that he tells his mom that he wants to live with her.

        Any advice how to handle this?
        You have voluntarily given up time with your child. Your plan is to go to court to ask for more time. My advice is to save up your money so you can pay for the mom's lawyers when she beats you in court.

        Offhand, start not missing time with the kid. That's a good start. Don't even think of going on vacation without the kid. Do you deserve couples time? In a fair world, of course. But this is not a fair world.

        Comment


        • #5
          Whoa! So their mother asks to take the kids on a month trip to visit and see their step fathers family once a year and I am a bad dad for allowing it? I didn't "want" to not see my kids but why would I say no to her taking them?

          Why so harsh?

          Yes I have to give up seeing them occasionally because my job is in another province due to the economy in my own. I can't just get another job as I had applied to over 15 and no one would hire me because I am an oilfield worker.

          No work, no house, no child support! I am seeking out work where I can so I can continue to support my kids and not have the economy effect it.

          I guess I should "quit" my job and pump gas so I am home? And pay $500 a mo support vs $2000 a month that I have been paying for 6 yrs?

          I am not asking for more time I am wanting to keep my every other weekend schedule. I missed one wkd last year and probably 6 or 7 this year because I was sent up north and lived at a camp to work and make money to survive!

          Excuse me! Your advice was a bit harsh.

          Comment


          • #6
            And to add my son is requesting to live with me. Sure maybe he is telling his mom the same but from what I gather I don't believe that to be true. I am not going to go further into that unless he is 100%. I would love if he lived with me, of course I would love if all 3 lived with me. But because of my work schedule and my ex moving 3 hours away when we separated she and I worked out an every other weekend schedule.

            As for my wife and I going on our 2 day vacation...during the week that is no ones business but our own. We deal with enough we deserve to treat ourselves. Besides we have never been on a holiday and not taken my kids. Other than our 3 day honeymoon.

            Comment


            • #7
              It must be very difficult to parent cohesively with a person who clearly resents you. Today's parents have to manage with the internet/facebook/facetime thing that parents 30 years ago didn't have to deal with. When one parent had parenting time for a few weeks (usually with the Dad) the kids were whisked off to places unknown where there often were no telephones. In today's world when everyone is instantly connected 24/7 it must cause much anxiety.

              For the most part does your ex provide safety and nourishment for the kids? Putting personal dislike for one another aside (which I know is difficult) do you have any concerns about the well-being of your kids when with her? If not then I think you need to focus on the time your kids are with you. And... yes you probably need to take more of those 2 or 3 day getaways with your current spouse. Don't feel guilty one iota. You DO deserve to be happy. You ARE able to have these times as long as your children are well-taken care of.

              Cudos for you for working hard and providing for your family. Not everyone has a 9-5 in current city they reside. Military families must adjust to ever-changing schedules... families of surgeons or people on-call.... We can't fit people into a mould and say "now that's the way the perfect family should live." It's just not realistic.

              You love your kids... you provide for them... you listen to them... you miss them when they aren't with you.

              You're probably doing a lot better at being a parent than you give yourself credit for.

              Comment


              • #8
                Yes there are concerns for their emotional wellbeing. I was told that their step father was drunk a couple weeks ago and pushed their mother. Then went outside and started destroying things which my son later took pictures of.

                They a frightened of him because he pins them up against the wall and yells at them.

                I hear all kids of things lately that is questionable and I do worry every single moment they are not with me.

                It's been questioned also in the past that my ex has munchhausens. She is addicted to surgery and also the list of "diagnoses" she and my kids have had are insane. I pulled the kids medical records and they have never actually been diagnosed with these illnesses she claims.

                Does she take care of them? Of course she does. But I wonder sometimes about her mental state. When we did councilling together we were told she may have borderline personality disorder. Immediately after that session there was no way getting her to go back. So I continued. I was told to run and fast. I was put off by that as well so that ended being my last visit as well.

                I came here for support and advice.

                I never wanted to give up time with the kids. My job is dispatched so I can be called at anytime and be gone for days. Sometimes I am home for a good week. Mostly with my luck I get called to work the day my kids come on my weekend...,I have tried to find more consistent work. It's just not there.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I want my kids here every weekend that is mine. But she refuses to bring them unless I am home for the "whole duration" of their stay.

                  My wife is perfectly capable of caring for them. But my ex refuses to let the kids be in her care if I am not home. So it got to the point of fighting about it every time it was my weekend because I couldn't confirm I would be here the "whole duration" so she wouldn't bring them. Lots of times I sat here and never got called so I missed my whole weekend on the chance work might call.

                  It really is exhausting and I feel defeated. What other arrangement could possibly be made for my visitation? Every other weekend is all I have

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by twister777 View Post
                    Whoa! So their mother asks to take the kids on a month trip to visit and see their step fathers family once a year and I am a bad dad for allowing it? I didn't "want" to not see my kids but why would I say no to her taking them?
                    You trade time, you don't give up time.

                    Why so harsh?
                    You consented to be an EOW Dad. I have a hard lump of coal in my heart for fathers who willingly give up their kids like that.

                    I guess I should "quit" my job and pump gas so I am home? And pay $500 a mo support vs $2000 a month that I have been paying for 6 yrs?
                    If I could quadruple my salary, but it would force me to become an EOW father, I would reject that opportunity in an instant. Clearly you don't see things the same way.

                    My point is that you barely see the kids now. The courts won't consider you to be a parent. You have no chance of winning anything legally. You have no evidence that their stepfather beats them. You don't have a doctor willing to testify that your ex has Munchhausen. You consented to not be a big part of their life, and you have willingly missed time with them. It looks terrible.

                    If you don't like the picture I'm painting, then change your situation so I can't paint that picture.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by twister777 View Post
                      I want my kids here every weekend that is mine. But she refuses to bring them unless I am home for the "whole duration" of their stay.
                      Does your agreement give her the right to veto your parenting time?

                      If so, shame on you. You are totally screwed.

                      If not, then protest in writing, document, and motion for contempt.

                      So it got to the point of fighting about it every time it was my weekend because I couldn't confirm I would be here the "whole duration" so she wouldn't bring them. Lots of times I sat here and never got called so I missed my whole weekend on the chance work might call.
                      Assuming she doesn't have veto power, then tell her that you have made plans for the weekend, and you have no obligation to inform her of those plans.

                      When she asks if you will be there, say that you have no obligation to inform her of your plans during your parenting time.

                      When she says that she needs to know your plans for safety reasons, tell her that you have no obligation to inform her of your plans during your parenting time, and give her your cell number to call in case of emergency.

                      If she threatens not to bring them unless you divulge your plans, say that you have no obligation to inform her of your plans during your parenting time, and that if she does not bring the kid as per the separation agreement you will be motioning for contempt.

                      It really is exhausting and I feel defeated. What other arrangement could possibly be made for my visitation? Every other weekend is all I have
                      1. You consented to be EOW
                      2. You allow her to veto your parenting time
                      3. You allow her to make plans during your parenting time

                      My advice: Stop being a doormat.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        What I learnt is if you ask nicely and just wait everything works itself out

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Your kid understands theres more to the story than what they are being told. This is a great thing. Just keep reminding them that what they are being told is not true and they are only being told this so they will hate you.

                          As for your ex--document document document. Remind her that you have an order for access and if she refuses to allow you to see your kids then you will consider it denial of access. Get everything in writing. Make sure you keep a log. Then when kid wants to come live with you, you have a documented timeline of refusal.

                          You cant fix stupid. This is your life. Forget about what happened or what you agreed to and move forward. A lot of people on here will chastise you for a decision you made but going back in time isnt possible. These decisions dont give your ex a right to abuse your kids, lie, cheat or deny you time. Period.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            In the beginning I didn't think I had a choice in more than every other weekend when she took the kids and moved them 2 hours away in the middle of the school year.

                            No our agreement doesn't give her the right to veto my weekends. She just believes to have authority over the court order.

                            I've always been her doormat. This is the problem now because I am standing up to her and telling her I am exercising my weekends and not divulging who what when where and why. It pisses her off she can't control my time anymore and this has ran to her lawyer to now reduce the time I do have.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              1. She will not be able to reduce your time. Don't worry about it and don't waste any money on lawyers fighting it unless she actually brings it to court.

                              2. If she denies you access, document it. Document it well. Demand to see the kids in writing. Demand to have immediate makeup time the following weekend, and make that demand in writing. Once she does that a couple of times, then you go to court. Don't say "I'm going to bring you to court", then she learns in the future that she can keep screwing you until you threaten court. All you ask for in writing in your court ordered parenting time, and then the warning you give her is when she is served. You probably won't even make it to court, she will cave after you serve her.

                              That said, I suspect you are going to take Links' suggested course of action.

                              Comment

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