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  • This isnt getting any easier

    Looking for some advice here so if anyone can help procedural wise or can offer some advice based on experience or what to do with OCL assist. A quick condensed version of my case is this;

    - Up to this point had an AMAZING relationship with my child! She is/was such a happy curious funny person.
    - 2 1/2 years ago when child turned 11 the ex decided to try to stop all my access to our child. I had to resort to seeing a lawyer and got some fractured access back - it comes and goes on the whims of ex.
    - Ex has been (and I would say she has been very successful unfortunately) at 'turning' child against me, ie, makes fun of any activities we do (like if I take child to library ex convinces child 'only poor people go to library', if I take child to movie ex says she wanted to take child to movie and guilts child into feeling bad for not going with ex, if I take child to a theme park, convinces child it's stupid to sit in car driving for a couple hours to get to theme park, and so on), ex has been slow in telling me about childs sports activities so I missed a lot of them and occasionally would sarcastically poke at me like how afterwards the child and her will go out for icecream because child loves her so much - child obviously caught in middle, even if I so much as ask for a copy of child's report card the child will get an earful about why do I want it and what difference will it make to either of us, how will her grades change by giving me report card, etc... It's gotten to the point where child just doesn't want to do much anything anymore which is a shame because she used to want to do as much as possible all the time. It guts me to say so but really, it's not a good scene right now and hasn't been a for awhile.
    - Ex has been trying to get me to 'go on with my life without them' (her words).
    - Have been back to court numerous times to get my access enforced and you know what, I've been loosing my access bit by bit over the last couple of years! Like seriously?!?!?!
    - OCL lawyer gets involved and for whatever reason we got off on the wrong foot. At our first and only meeting it was bad, I remember txt'ing girlfriend from parking lot at OCL office that it was horrible. When it came time for the OCL report the OCL totally tossed me under the wheels of the bus. Up to now OCL's stance has been to do what child wants, whether child is saying such because of input from ex or not makes no difference. OCL doesn't even want to look at situation that caused this - child says X so OCL says X it is. OCL lawyer even went so far as to even suggest LESS access than the fractured access I was/am getting to this point! How can someone be a parent with minutes per week? Does that make sense as I wrote it?
    - We've had our trial management conference and our settlement conference. Ex won't budge from her position of minimizing all my contact with child. Ive tried repeatedly to have counselling put in place, ex obviously has been against that and up to now I have failed to get it enforced. At settlement conference judge even went so far as to say if settlement conference was 4 months ago he would enforce it but now, no. Ummmm, hello, settlement conference took place when it did because system is so backlogged!!! Anyway, OCL lawyer suggested an OCL assist at settlement conference. I didn't want that since OCL has been detrimental to helping situation. At the time it was suggested but not followed up on.
    - We had a TRC (trial readiness conference) and at the TRC the judge turned it into another settlement conference. Judge tried HARD to get *me* to settle. Judge suggested that I settle by just letting things play out and take my access as it comes. Maybe it will get better, maybe it will get worse. I said no because I know it will only get worse so I may as well try, some relationship is better than no relationship. Again, judge tried getting me to settle by saying I don't know that, just settle. OCL suggested again an OCL assist since this will go to trial and that is how we left the court/court system.

    So here I am as confused as ever about this. What to do? Ever get the feeling you're damned if you do and damned if you don't? If I go to trial and try to force counselling and relationship I will be coming up against resistance and ex will most likely get worse as to what she says to child. Not a good situation. If I stop and withdraw case I will most likely never see child again and ex will still be twisting things. Knowing ex if I stop and just go away child will be told over and over that I obviously don't love her or something similar. Not good situation either.

    So trial will be this summer. Child will be 14 this summer. As I understand it child can say they don't want to see me anymore and that's it. Reading what I've wrote so far I'm sure you can get a feeling this will be the end result of all this when she turns 14. OCL assist has just been confirmed and meetings start soon. With my last access visit with child ex txt'd child and child read to me from her phone that she 'doesn't understand what the interviews are about and it makes her uncomfortable and if I insist on going forward she will just not see me anymore'. Seriously, what do you say to that?

    At this point I'm in a salvage as much as I can mode. Trial will be to try to enforce my access and get child into some kind of counselling.

    So, any ideas or suggestions? Like I said, damned if I do and damned if I don't. As an observation system seems set up to have relationship with me disappear and at some future point child will see the big picture and restore relationship with me. That's a very big IF and with everything the ex is practicing seems like hopeful thinking.

    What to do, what to do Both of us are self-repping at this point.

  • #2
    Have you done a search on canlii for "alienation" "denial of access" and possibly other keywords that go along with your case?

    I have no other helpful advice. My partner went through the same thing with his youngest and she now refuses to speak to him.

    Comment


    • #3
      Oh yeah, one more tidbit, at the TRC turned settlement conference, the OCL lawyer asked me if I will request his report/testimony to be included (excuse my terminology, just a layman here learning as I go) and I asked do I have a choice? OCL lawyer said I can ask judge to disallow it if I want. I said that being the case of course I will ask that!

      Sooooo, how do I do that assuming OCL/OCL assist report will go against me? Just ask for it? Do I have to have some kind of grounds for asking for it?

      Thanks!

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by rockscan View Post
        Have you done a search on canlii for "alienation" "denial of access" and possibly other keywords that go along with your case?

        I have no other helpful advice. My partner went through the same thing with his youngest and she now refuses to speak to him.
        Oh yes, if my case isn't a case involving alienation I don't know what is. I have had my lawyer mention it and have brought it up myself in court a few times. It was either ignored or the judge has said that's for a counsellor to determine but then judge won't have a counsellor involved! Judge says if ex wants to pursue it it's up to her, he won't enforce it.

        That sound you hear is me banging my head against the wall. Thunk thunk thunk thunk.

        Comment


        • #5
          Ya once they get to be teens its really hard to sway a judge. Its sad that your ex is vindictive enough to tell you to get out of their lives. Hopefully you have documented everything!

          If it helps, I was alienated and renewed my relationship with my father. There is hope! Your daughter is in a difficult position with an overbearing mother.

          Comment


          • #6
            It sounds like you have a losing fight here. 14 year old girls are hard to deal with at the best of the time. My daughter turned 14 and turned into a completely different person and hated us all.

            I can only say that time will be your best ally. Mom sounds like a overbearing person who most likely will try to control your daughters life and it may well backfire on her.

            Your best option IMO is to settle with some sort of access and for sure push for counselling, but if she is going home to Negative Mom every night she is not going to get much out of counselling at this point.

            You can remain in your daughters life, by always sending birthday gifts, seasonal cards and small gifts. Always extending invites to visit and offers of vacations etc. Do not judge your daughter as it will get you no where.

            They will get turned down and ignored because Mom will influence your daughter at this point. But at some point your daughter will hopefully make the realization that you did not abandon her and that Mom was the person who pushed you out of,her life and she will reach out to you. Hopefully you will be able to reach back and accept.

            Good luck it's a sad thing that her Mom is doing to her daughter.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Beachnana View Post
              Your best option IMO is to settle with some sort of access and for sure push for counselling, but if she is going home to Negative Mom every night she is not going to get much out of counselling at this point.

              You can remain in your daughters life, by always sending birthday gifts, seasonal cards and small gifts. Always extending invites to visit and offers of vacations etc. Do not judge your daughter as it will get you no where.
              Agree, this is NOT my daughters fault in any way shape or form.

              My frustration through this whole process so far is why and how is she getting away with it? Everyone that touches this case can see she is the root cause (except the judge for some reason, the same judge all the way along so far), I have a couple of friends of friends that work with her and the comment they say is they suspect mental health issues but I am the one coming out with less and less access and time. How is that right?

              Comment


              • #8
                Its very frustrating for sure. My partners daughter is mad at him for several things that didnt happen to her but were situations shared with her after being taken out of context. No matter what he says or does, it is twisted against him. He had mild issues with his oldest who defends her mother fiercely even when shes wrong and interfering. As his lawyer said, you can keep trying and hope for the best but at this point court will only result in a big bill.

                Your daughter is in a very difficult position and probably hates it as much as you do. Keep letting her know youre there and love her. It may not seem like much but it does mean a lot in the long run.

                Comment

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