Tweet
This is just a summary of my experiences and/or observations, and what I can attest to being VERY relevant in a custody/access trial. Final decision isn’t in yet, but I am very confident in the strength of my case. Nothing below would change if the decision goes against me.
I had to cut a lot out of what I planned to post because of forum limitations, but most of that focused on how to handle conflicts, logs, etc. Most of which has been documented in the forum before.
In a custody and access dispute, the best interests of the child [Link: CLRA Section 24(2)(3)(4)] and items such as Maximum Contact [Link: DA 16.10] are ALWAYS considered heavily. Of course, some information may be subjective and/or difficult to prove, so it is YOUR job to:
1) Truly do your best to act in the best interests of the child;
2) Take the higher road and avoid conflict wherever possible, without sacrificing what’s in the best interests of the child;
3) Attempt open communication with your ex; propose alternative options in disputes; accommodate reasonable requests; in other words, think of the bigger picture and don’t be baited into fights over a pair of jeans or a single lost day with your kid(s);
4) Document the important stuff (don't be petty) and try to relate each to a particular part of the Act (e.g. Section 24(2));
5) Focus your energy on the kid(s), not the fight with the ex
Efficient use of your lawyer (probably where I would make the most changes if I could go back in time)
• Self-representing is possible, but not easy. You need the time to dedicate to research, filings, etc; a mindset able to learn quickly, and the ability to be objective while fighting for something you love so dearly. It is not for everyone, and certainly isn’t for me.
• Don’t use your lawyer as a virtual hug. You are an adult, your situation sucks, and no one is disputing that. A lawyer should be used for legal advice not confidence building
• Don’t use for letter sending back and forth ad infinitum. Send polite and factual letters to your ex yourself (requests, objections to actions, etc.) and track them
• Once retained, plan your Application or Response, then file in a timely manner
• If your schedule permits, you can handle the filing with the court, serving, etc. to save some costs
• Limit meetings and emails to him/her and when they are necessary, have a clear agenda
Emergency Motions
• It’s in the name – Emergency
• In my experience, they are rarely granted unless truly an emergency, or where the child is clearly (to a judge) being negatively impacted and a resolution is needed quickly
• These are a good way to burn money and increase tension in a relationship, so use sparingly
Appropriate use of police
• Call the police if you legitimately fear you or your kid(s) are at risk of harm
• Despite their motto, police are there to protect, not serve. They enforce the law, and do not take sides in a family dispute. Being a jerk or a crappy parent is not against the law.
• Do NOT call the police for family law issues (lack of communication, withholding access, etc.)
• If they are called to a conflict, they will only take action needed to prevent harm, violence, or simply keep the peace. This may include asking you to leave, even if your ex is 100% in the wrong.
• If you are banging on your ex’s door because he/she is withholding them, YOU run the risk of being arrested
• IF you do need police involvement, do your best to shield the kid(s) from the situation
• A Judge will not favour the use of police where it is not necessary, especially if the police show up to Mom or Dad’s door in front of the kid(s)
• If police are involved, make sure you obtain the officer’s name and badge number, and follow up with a request for a copy of the police report
• Send a summary of the events to your lawyer (as complete and factual as possible to be efficient)
Office of Children’s Lawyer (OCL)
• If OCL is involved, you will be required to provide relevant collateral witnesses who can attest to the relationship you have with your kid, or possibly how dedicated you are as a parent (employer may comment on how you only travel out of town on your non-access time)
• They will run a police and CAS background check on you. If you’ve screwed up in the past, TELL THEM. It is better that they hear it from you rather than your ex (or a police report).
• You will want to be able to cite specific incidents from your log, or dispute accusations against you
• OCL will ask if you have documentation/evidence, however, they will not ask to review it. Don’t show up with volumes of paperwork
• They will ask what is the minimum custody/access you would accept (shows whether you are open to joint custody, or mediation), as well as your ideal custody/access plan (be realistic, and be prepared to justify it as best for the kid(s))
• You will be asked how you will proceed should an order be granted in your favour. Think about involvement/consulting your ex, support networks, involvement in kid activities, extended family contact, etc.
• Do not coach your kid(s) on their upcoming interviews with OCL
• In my experience, the process was non-invasive to myself (2 in-home visits with kid(s), 1 office interview, a couple of calls/e-mails for followup and clarification of details), and my kid(s) (2 school visits)
Children’s Aid Society
• If your children are being neglected, or negatively impacted physically or emotionally, consider CAS as a resource for help
• This is serious - do NOT use CAS to start building a case against your ex for being a crappy parent
• Once CAS opens a file, it’s really difficult to get them to close it, even if everything appears fine. There is some controversy surrounding this. They will want to continue monthly in home visits in order to check the box that the case is still open.
• In my experience, they will always respond with something like, “… unless the child is at the risk of imminent harm, there’s nothing we can do…”
• Social workers rotate in and out of CAS on a regular basis, and many are quite junior
• Be honest with them, but guard against over sharing of information
• I have called them in the past, and knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t involve them in similar situations in the future
Biggest points to remember:
1) Kids best interests first – and be honest with yourself about this
2) Think about the big picture, be a good cooperative person, and don’t get into petty squabbles
3) Document, document, document
4) Enjoy being a parent, regardless of what your access schedule is currently
This isn't as specific as some of the fantastic posts I've read on here, but I hope this helps someone out there. If I can help, I will.
- YYZDaddy
I had to cut a lot out of what I planned to post because of forum limitations, but most of that focused on how to handle conflicts, logs, etc. Most of which has been documented in the forum before.
In a custody and access dispute, the best interests of the child [Link: CLRA Section 24(2)(3)(4)] and items such as Maximum Contact [Link: DA 16.10] are ALWAYS considered heavily. Of course, some information may be subjective and/or difficult to prove, so it is YOUR job to:
1) Truly do your best to act in the best interests of the child;
2) Take the higher road and avoid conflict wherever possible, without sacrificing what’s in the best interests of the child;
3) Attempt open communication with your ex; propose alternative options in disputes; accommodate reasonable requests; in other words, think of the bigger picture and don’t be baited into fights over a pair of jeans or a single lost day with your kid(s);
4) Document the important stuff (don't be petty) and try to relate each to a particular part of the Act (e.g. Section 24(2));
5) Focus your energy on the kid(s), not the fight with the ex
Efficient use of your lawyer (probably where I would make the most changes if I could go back in time)
• Self-representing is possible, but not easy. You need the time to dedicate to research, filings, etc; a mindset able to learn quickly, and the ability to be objective while fighting for something you love so dearly. It is not for everyone, and certainly isn’t for me.
• Don’t use your lawyer as a virtual hug. You are an adult, your situation sucks, and no one is disputing that. A lawyer should be used for legal advice not confidence building
• Don’t use for letter sending back and forth ad infinitum. Send polite and factual letters to your ex yourself (requests, objections to actions, etc.) and track them
• Once retained, plan your Application or Response, then file in a timely manner
• If your schedule permits, you can handle the filing with the court, serving, etc. to save some costs
• Limit meetings and emails to him/her and when they are necessary, have a clear agenda
Emergency Motions
• It’s in the name – Emergency
• In my experience, they are rarely granted unless truly an emergency, or where the child is clearly (to a judge) being negatively impacted and a resolution is needed quickly
• These are a good way to burn money and increase tension in a relationship, so use sparingly
Appropriate use of police
• Call the police if you legitimately fear you or your kid(s) are at risk of harm
• Despite their motto, police are there to protect, not serve. They enforce the law, and do not take sides in a family dispute. Being a jerk or a crappy parent is not against the law.
• Do NOT call the police for family law issues (lack of communication, withholding access, etc.)
• If they are called to a conflict, they will only take action needed to prevent harm, violence, or simply keep the peace. This may include asking you to leave, even if your ex is 100% in the wrong.
• If you are banging on your ex’s door because he/she is withholding them, YOU run the risk of being arrested
• IF you do need police involvement, do your best to shield the kid(s) from the situation
• A Judge will not favour the use of police where it is not necessary, especially if the police show up to Mom or Dad’s door in front of the kid(s)
• If police are involved, make sure you obtain the officer’s name and badge number, and follow up with a request for a copy of the police report
• Send a summary of the events to your lawyer (as complete and factual as possible to be efficient)
Office of Children’s Lawyer (OCL)
• If OCL is involved, you will be required to provide relevant collateral witnesses who can attest to the relationship you have with your kid, or possibly how dedicated you are as a parent (employer may comment on how you only travel out of town on your non-access time)
• They will run a police and CAS background check on you. If you’ve screwed up in the past, TELL THEM. It is better that they hear it from you rather than your ex (or a police report).
• You will want to be able to cite specific incidents from your log, or dispute accusations against you
• OCL will ask if you have documentation/evidence, however, they will not ask to review it. Don’t show up with volumes of paperwork
• They will ask what is the minimum custody/access you would accept (shows whether you are open to joint custody, or mediation), as well as your ideal custody/access plan (be realistic, and be prepared to justify it as best for the kid(s))
• You will be asked how you will proceed should an order be granted in your favour. Think about involvement/consulting your ex, support networks, involvement in kid activities, extended family contact, etc.
• Do not coach your kid(s) on their upcoming interviews with OCL
• In my experience, the process was non-invasive to myself (2 in-home visits with kid(s), 1 office interview, a couple of calls/e-mails for followup and clarification of details), and my kid(s) (2 school visits)
Children’s Aid Society
• If your children are being neglected, or negatively impacted physically or emotionally, consider CAS as a resource for help
• This is serious - do NOT use CAS to start building a case against your ex for being a crappy parent
• Once CAS opens a file, it’s really difficult to get them to close it, even if everything appears fine. There is some controversy surrounding this. They will want to continue monthly in home visits in order to check the box that the case is still open.
• In my experience, they will always respond with something like, “… unless the child is at the risk of imminent harm, there’s nothing we can do…”
• Social workers rotate in and out of CAS on a regular basis, and many are quite junior
• Be honest with them, but guard against over sharing of information
• I have called them in the past, and knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t involve them in similar situations in the future
Biggest points to remember:
1) Kids best interests first – and be honest with yourself about this
2) Think about the big picture, be a good cooperative person, and don’t get into petty squabbles
3) Document, document, document
4) Enjoy being a parent, regardless of what your access schedule is currently
This isn't as specific as some of the fantastic posts I've read on here, but I hope this helps someone out there. If I can help, I will.
- YYZDaddy