Need to see my kids

[Sallymom]

Hello, my case is a bit complicated so please bare with me,

My husband and I separated last march and I was served December 1st while I was in Florida. We have 3 children together that due to CAS involvement I haven't been able to see. I have borderline personality disorder and haven't been able to find a treatment that works for me. They're demanding that I see a particular psyciatrist (bc he knows my medical history) that I tried seeing once and the appointment was cancelled, then couldn't book one until February which was also cancelled due to a double book. I'm kind of holding tight right now.

I called legal aid to try and help me as his lawyer is willing to let me serve late. Legal aid said that my case isn't complicated enough to get their help. I'm a high school drop out and have no formal secondary education. I managed writing out the answers well enough. I'm awaiting a motion to proceed on only two years tax returns (currently living in a maternity home...did I forget to mention I'm 12 weeks pregnant?). I'm just worried about dealing with all of this and how to proceed. He lives in Aurora and I'm in Ajax. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to afford travel as I currently cannot work, the home I'm living in has strict programming and we are required to be financially sponsored or on Ontario Works (we do schooling, councelling, volunteer work, etc).

I'm in a tight spot. I'm not asking for sympathy, simply encouragement.

[plainNamedDad44]

Hi,

I think the best thing you can do right now is to get/keep yourself (and hence your unborn child) well.

Eyes on the prize (your children), one foot in front of the other - things will get better.

much love

[Links17]

Arrange Skype calls for starters?

Very brave you to admit to having BPD, its commendable.

Have you gone to women shelters or aid groups?

[FightingForFamily]

Keeping working with the system and through the psychiatrist. Hopefully with therapy and medication you'll eventually reach a place to be able to see your kids through CAS. There are no quick fixes... your life sounds like a right mess.

[Sallymom]

Arrange Skype calls for starters?

Very brave you to admit to having BPD, its commendable.

Have you gone to women shelters or aid groups?

I've tried to. My stbx hasn't and won't speak to me since July. He's very bitter and won't entertain anything. He doesn't believe the boys need me. He's wanting sole. CAS has told me no contact until their demands are satisfied.

BPD is just something I have, doesn't define who I am not is it something I'd hide. I lived in a shelter for 4 months struggling to find adequate work. The home I'm at right now wants to put me in touch with advocates. The lady who runs it used to work for OCL. She doesn't quite get why CAS is so difficult right now and yes she knows the whole story

[Berner_Faith]

What demands does CAS have? It sounds like if they are saying no contact they have reasons to believe the children may be in danger if exposed to you. Whether their reasons are true or not only you know.

It isn't going to be an easy path for you, especially with CAS involved, however you need to do what they are requesting of you.

[dad2bandm]

...
My husband and I separated last march and I was served December 1st while I was in Florida...

...I called legal aid to try and help me as his lawyer is willing to let me serve late. Legal aid said that my case isn't complicated enough to get their help...

Just FYI, you have to qualify for Legal aid's assistance, financially. It has nothing to do with how "complicated" your case is. You likely didn't meet their qualifications, because they deemed you not meeting their financial criteria.

[Sallymom]

Just FYI, you have to qualify for Legal aid's assistance, financially. It has nothing to do with how "complicated" your case is. You likely didn't meet their qualifications, because they deemed you not meeting their financial criteria.

Well I applied on the phone. They gave me over to one of their lawyers for advice and the lawyer refused to reccomend me a certificate for legal aid bc hey didn't feel it was complicated enough or I could handle it myself. They refused and it was very discouraging. I haven't even received confirmation from Ontario Works yet nor do I have a dime to my name.

as for the situation with CAS, it's simply bc I'm not on medication that I was previously on. That's what the worker has told me. I can't safely take it while pregnant.

[Sallymom]

I just got my psyciatrist appointment for March 21st. Looks like it'll be another 2-3 months before possibly seeing them.

[FightingForFamily]

Your pregnancy... is this your 4th child with your ex husband or did something else happen?

[Sallymom]

Your pregnancy... is this your 4th child with your ex husband or did something else happen?

Not his child. I was in a steady relationship and it was a surprise but we are committed to raising the child. The father is American and we are trying to figure out the logistics.

[FightingForFamily]

I know you are here seeking encouragement but there's a lot you aren't saying then. You haven't provided much information but this is what I am inferring...

After separation, you went to Florida, met an american man, stayed with him in a steady relationship, got pregnant, and now you're back in Canada living in a residential home, being supported by tax payers like me.

How can you be committed to raising the child with him when he lives in another country and you already don't see the children you have here in Canada?

Just so you are aware, it is also possible CAS will take your new child for the same reason you can't see your current children.

I have some sympathy for anyone fighting the system, especially anyone admitting they are coping with mental health problems, but you have really created some huge problems for your and all your children by not taking responsibility for yourself. Using birth control, taking your meds, resolving your divorce before having a new relationship...

I understand BPD influences a lot of this behaviour. This forum tends to specialize more "reality checks" than mute encouragement though, so be careful while you're here.

[Sallymom]

I know you are here seeking encouragement but there's a lot you aren't saying then. You haven't provided much information but this is what I am inferring...

After separation, you went to Florida, met an american man, stayed with him in a steady relationship, got pregnant, and now you're back in Canada living in a residential home, being supported by tax payers like me.

How can you be committed to raising the child with him when he lives in another country and you already don't see the children you have here in Canada?

Just so you are aware, it is also possible CAS will take your new child for the same reason you can't see your current children.

I have some sympathy for anyone fighting the system, especially anyone admitting they are coping with mental health problems, but you have really created some huge problems for your and all your children by not taking responsibility for yourself. Using birth control, taking your meds, resolving your divorce before having a new relationship...

I understand BPD influences a lot of this behaviour. This forum tends to specialize more "reality checks" than mute encouragement though, so be careful while you're here.

I was in Florida for a family emergency. Our relationship started after my stbx had another one. That part is what it is. I was on birth control (pills) but it did fail. It happens. But I know what you're saying.

We are trying to figure out the logistics of raising this child including him possibly moving here.


I was off of the meds bc I felt suicidal on them. They weren't helping me. Since I've been off I've not felt suicidal nor as hopeless as I had felt before. It wasn't he right medication. As well, I was on it for anxiety reasons only but CAS needs documentation from the doctor on that which I cannot obtain until my appointment.

As for CAS and this child, I've already spoken to cases workers (separate region than where my children live) and they have told me that it's not of a concern to them as my children weren't "taken away" legally nor have I been served anything by CAS. Simply a verbal agreement and the fact that I'm working with not against helps. As well the home that I'm in has video monitoring and counselling access, two things that they said would work for me.

The thing that I'm most concerned about is seeing my boys. I've been trying to work on it for a year now and CAS has always said it makes sense for me to see the kids. I'm just incredibly concerned about this legal fight on my own, doing the work while I'm in school and dealing with pregnancy. The forms, the travel, etc. Also I know that some judges aren't thrilled with self reps.

[Beachnana]

Right now everything is looking overwhelming, so take each problem and deal with them separately.

1. Go to legal aid and apply. You cannot do that over the phone. You need to take any financial information you have.
2. Decide what your priorities are.
Are you returning to US to have a relationship with US Dad?
Are you staying in Canada ? If so how do you think you can have a relationship with anyone in Florida?
Will the child be a Canadian?

3. Take tiny steps. Perhaps ask for some supervised visits for your 3 children in Canada.

You have created a real complicated situation for yourself. Take one step at a time.

[Sallymom]

Right now everything is looking overwhelming, so take each problem and deal with them separately.

1. Go to legal aid and apply. You cannot do that over the phone. You need to take any financial information you have.
2. Decide what your priorities are.
Are you returning to US to have a relationship with US Dad?
Are you staying in Canada ? If so how do you think you can have a relationship with anyone in Florida?
Will the child be a Canadian?

3. Take tiny steps. Perhaps ask for some supervised visits for your 3 children in Canada.

You have created a real complicated situation for yourself. Take one step at a time.

I called and appealed with legal aid. They're going to aid me with a certificate providing financials check out. That's an answer to my prayers for certain.

The child can have dual citizenship, we have looked into the process as an American father can file a Consular Birth Abroad to deem parentage. We are working to try and get him to come here.

I blame absolutely nobody but my own self. Supervised visits is what I want for now but I want to still have ability to be consulted on important life decisions as well as parental rights.