Ex Wife talking negatively to kids about me

[agreatdad]

Short background
Divorced 4 years Separated for 5
Two kids Girl 13 and Boy 19

My wife and I have been battling for several years on retroactive child support. According to her lawyer I am not paying enough. I pay table amounts.

My ex is telling our kids that they wont have a good Christmas this year because I am not paying mommy the money she deserves. She is also calling me names and tells them I am a bad deadbeat father. I have exchanged several emails on this matter with my ex. But she just screams at the kids and the kids get scolded for talking to me about it so I usually leave things alone so to not have the kids upset.

Has anyone experienced such nonsense and what if anything can be done? My daughter brings this up to me and I certainly don't probe for information and find it morally impressionable that this goes on. I feel bad for my kids who are hearing horrible things about their father.

[rockscan]

Welcome to the club. Best advice I can give (speaking as a former kid who went through this and as the partner of a man going through it) is to just reassure them thats not the case and that you are paying what the law says and its between you and mom. Let them know that you refuse to involve them and youre sorry mom has and that you hope they will come to you with any questions and you will discuss it appropriately. You cant change your ex so any discussion with her is useless. Just keep reminding the kids youre doing what youre supposed to and moms feelings are her own.

There was also a good thread on explaining cs to your teens. Had some helpful advice.

[stripes]

How about:

"It looks like this is upsetting you, I'm sorry you feel bad. Your mother and I made an agreement that we would both support you and take care of you, and we signed that agreement with our lawyers. Right now we're having a disagreement about some things, but we're working that out. This is grown-up stuff, not kid stuff. Your mom and I both love you and we're going to make sure you have what you need".

Kids need to know that their parents are going to look after them, they don't need details of parental disputes. I think the golden rule here is to never talk down the other parent, regardless of what you think of their conduct.

As for talking to your ex about it - I think it's worth trying one email, saying that the kids seem upset about this, maybe they overheard something, you just want to let her know because she might not be aware that this is bothering them. As friendly and non-accusatory as possible.

If you don't get a response, or if you get an angry reply, just give up. You can't change her if she's determined to tell the kids inappropriate things, you just have to be the best parent you can be. Your daughter is old enough that she's going to start noticing the difference between Mom and Dad on her own pretty soon.

[Straittohell]

How about:

"It looks like this is upsetting you, I'm sorry you feel bad. Your mother and I made an agreement that we would both support you and take care of you, and we signed that agreement with our lawyers. Right now we're having a disagreement about some things, but we're working that out. This is grown-up stuff, not kid stuff. Your mom and I both love you and we're going to make sure you have what you need".

Kids need to know that their parents are going to look after them, they don't need details of parental disputes. I think the golden rule here is to never talk down the other parent, regardless of what you think of their conduct.

As for talking to your ex about it - I think it's worth trying one email, saying that the kids seem upset about this, maybe they overheard something, you just want to let her know because she might not be aware that this is bothering them. As friendly and non-accusatory as possible.

If you don't get a response, or if you get an angry reply, just give up. You can't change her if she's determined to tell the kids inappropriate things, you just have to be the best parent you can be. Your daughter is old enough that she's going to start noticing the difference between Mom and Dad on her own pretty soon.

I think that this is very high-minded and noble advice. It totally get it. I aspire to this kind of stuff all of the time.

But if you read rockscan's posts, her partner has an ex that has succeeded in convincing the teenage daughters that their dad is a deadbeat, even though he pays his support.

I worry that avoiding the discussion of finances may be the right thing to do in theory, but might end up resulting in kids that are brainwashed to believe that one parent is not meeting their obligations.

I already ran into this myself, when my little ones (5 and 8), asked me to give their mom money because they had no food or new clothes.

After trying my best to avoid the conversation, I had to tell them that yes, daddy already gives mommy money to help cover costs, and yes, the amount that daddy gives is the correct amount. I had to help them understand that I can only give so much, before it starts cutting into my ability to have food and clothes at my house. I hated every second of that conversation, and cringe every time that I think about it, but most importantly, I cringe thinking about what would have happened if I had left my kids with the impression that I wasn't meeting my obligations to provide for them at both houses.

In light of that, I would suggest altering stripes excellent suggested wording to include something that is still general, but specific enough to frame the issue better for these poor kids:

""It looks like this is upsetting you, I'm sorry you feel bad. Your mother and I made an agreement that we would both support you and take care of you, and we signed that agreement with our lawyers. Part of that agreement is for me to help cover some of her costs, and I do pay the amount that was agreed upon years ago. Right now we're having a disagreement about some things, but we're working that out. This is grown-up stuff, not kid stuff. I understand that your mom is frustrated, but we have to work this out between us, and not involve you guys. Your mom and I both love you and we're going to make sure you have what you need"

[Links17]

I tell my kids when you are with your mom she is your responsibility why should I give her anything? When you are with me I take care of your needs. I tell my kids when they see her watching TV to tell her get a job...

[Berner_Faith]

This is something that you will probably always battle with. There is very little you can do, especially if your ex is unreasonable, which she must be because no reasonable ex would degrade the other parent in front of the children. My fiance and I go through this all the time with his ex. Some parents just cannot get over the hate they have for their ex's.

Just one example... when the children were with us and it was her birthday coming, he made sure they made their mom a card and when they called to talk to him he made sure they had wishes her a happy birthday. Yesterday was his birthday and the kids always call him on Wednesday, well yesterday he never received a call. Around 9pm he texted her and asked why the kids didn't call as per usual and being his birthday it would have been nice to speak to them.

Her response was "I was busy all night and I guess that's what happens when you're not a couple anymore, you don't remember birthdays". Which we all know is a crock, they were married 7 years and together for 7 before that, 14 years together, you remember people's birthday and its funny that every Wednesday he gets a phone call, except the one his birthday falls on.

The kids tell us all the time that Mom says this or that. We just reassure them that all of us love them and that sometimes people say things they don't mean and that mom was probably having a bad day. We certainly don't resort to her level. We have a good relationship with the kids and despite Mom's attempts that doesn't change.

[rockscan]

I tell my kids when you are with your mom she is your responsibility why should I give her anything? When you are with me I take care of your needs. I tell my kids when they see her watching TV to tell her get a job...

Do not follow this advice. Ever.

What does your son say? Is he as upset as his sister?

Its an easy time of year to take advantage of this by saying the holidays wont be same etc and shes probably hoping her guilt trip will work. Shut it down quickly. You wont discuss it. Its between the two of you. You guys are disagreeing but you always have their well being at heart. Youre following the law and paying what youre supposed to. Follow Stripes and Straights advice. You wont win either way. After a while she will see through it. Your ex will say what she wants regardless of how you or the kids feel. We've learned this the hard way. Hell my partner has a clause in the agreement that says they wont do this! His ex actually called him on it the one time he was upset and said something negative meanwhile shes sharing emails and telling the kids bs that isn't even remotely true.

Just remember how confusing and hurtful it is for your kids. Not only are they told theres no money but now they're getting trouble for talking to you. Its a very confusing situation for them and one they shouldn't have to go through.

[stripes]

I tell my kids when you are with your mom she is your responsibility why should I give her anything? When you are with me I take care of your needs. I tell my kids when they see her watching TV to tell her get a job...

I'm going to assume that this ^^^ is Links making a funny, and not actually saying "I hate my ex more than I care about my kids' feelings".

Seriously though, don't tell your kids to tell their mom to get a job, or that you don't care what happens at their mother's house.