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Some comforting wisdom to share with you all

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  • Some comforting wisdom to share with you all

    A church sister once told me

    ".... A divorce brings the worst out of a person. So if your ex is being nasty to you/ or falsely accusing you, this might be the worst you will ever see from him. In another word, he might not be all THAT bad in other situations"

    Just thought I should keep this in mind, hope this will you give some comfort.

  • #2
    Could that not also go the other way? Maybe the way you are treating your ex isn't entirely correct or the things you are saying are not true because divorce is bringing out the worst in you?


    Divorce doesn't have to be nasty but if one party is holding a grudge and the other is hostile you will get no where.

    Comment


    • #3
      I am not that far into the process yet.

      But when I got served with the court paper my reaction was " what the hell is h talking about?" all lies and twisted facts..... Even the things he claims that I say to him contain words that I didn't even understand ( English isn't my first language)...


      I also wonder if he tells his lawyer any truth


      I look back though I do see things I could have done differently. So I hope he can also forgive and forget instead of using money and child to hurt me. ( I was the bread winner and now at disadvantage for finance)

      Comment


      • #4
        View points are dependent on where you currently stand. Don't misconstrue what are feelings, thoughts, understandings and facts:

        Fact: The floor is wet.
        Feeling: I'm worried about...
        Opinion: I fear she may have mental health issues
        Thoughts: I think she wanted me to do xxxx

        Be surprised all you want with his paperwork. He likely didn't write any of it if he is represented.

        Comment


        • #5
          But when I got served with the court paper my reaction was " what the hell is h talking about?" all lies and twisted facts..... Even the things he claims that I say to him contain words that I didn't even understand ( English isn't my first language)...

          I also wonder if he tells his lawyer any truth

          I look back though I do see things I could have done differently. So I hope he can also forgive and forget instead of using money and child to hurt me. ( I was the bread winner and now at disadvantage for finance)
          You know I find it really difficult to be a guest to the pity party you're throwing for yourself when you say stuff like this in another thread:


          Fairness is not what a family dispute is about. Think about the poor little baby, how can I leave without him? He was sick and needs to be fed. A mother and a baby are practically ONE. Many doctor calls the first 3 months the "4th trimester".
          Frankly I find it ridiculous that you think that your ex is supposed to act in a noble fashion and do not act in that manner yourself. Let me remind you that you took the child away from his father without legal permission and with an extremely sexist mindset. Men take care of newborns all the time and newborns need to bond with BOTH parents....not just their mothers.

          I'm not religious but I believe that one of the main tenants of religion is to treat others as you expect to be treated yourself. So if you want your ex to treat you a certain way during the divorce process than maybe you yourself should make an attempt to be fair...regardless of the fact that he's a male.

          And lets not pretend that what you did is in the best interest of the child. Children have a much better chance at a healthy emotional life when they have BOTH parents in their life...not just their mothers.

          I do not side with people who unfairly remove parental access from the other ex-spouse....so until you remedy that...you can expect me, at least, to call you on your hypocrisy when you post "I'm a victim" crap like this.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
            You know I find it really difficult to be a guest to the pity party you're throwing for yourself when you say stuff like this in another thread:




            Frankly I find it ridiculous that you think that your ex is supposed to act in a noble fashion and do not act in that manner yourself. Let me remind you that you took the child away from his father without legal permission and with an extremely sexist mindset. Men take care of newborns all the time and newborns need to bond with BOTH parents....not just their mothers.

            I'm not religious but I believe that one of the main tenants of religion is to treat others as you expect to be treated yourself. So if you want your ex to treat you a certain way during the divorce process than maybe you yourself should make an attempt to be fair...regardless of the fact that he's a male.

            And lets not pretend that what you did is in the best interest of the child. Children have a much better chance at a healthy emotional life when they have BOTH parents in their life...not just their mothers.

            I do not side with people who unfairly remove parental access from the other ex-spouse....so until you remedy that...you can expect me, at least, to call you on your hypocrisy when you post "I'm a victim" crap like this.
            I have to agree with this. If you want fairness you need to be fair. BTW, my fiance took more time off with his children than his wife at the time did. She took 2 months for the first and 3 for the second and he took the rest of the time. He basically solely raised his children while she worked. So their rolls were totally reversed. He is a better caregiver than a lot of mothers I see. I am sure no one could argue that his children suffered because they never got that "forth trimester"

            Comment


            • #7
              He basically solely raised his children while she worked. So their rolls were totally reversed.
              One of my best friends had serious post-partum depression after her 2nd child. Her husband was amazing with both their newborn and their 2 year old at the time until she was feeling better.

              My next door neighbor just had a baby and her husband took a month off to take care of the baby because she had a bad infection from some stitches and had to remain in bed and couldn't hold the baby for a long period of time. I just saw the baby yesterday and she's seems quite happy and healthy with her dad taking care of her most of the time.

              There is no doubt in my mind that men are perfectly capable of taking care of newborns and that they love and adore them every bit as much as their moms do. I feel sorry for any guy who isn't given fair and equal access to his newborn child. That's just got to be really rough....they change so quickly in the first year and there's a lot of milestones to miss.

              Comment


              • #8
                my situation might be unique

                -ex never participated in baby care
                -abandoned us in the hospital
                -forcing me to do things that i physically couldn't when we got home
                -screaming and yelling at me in front of the baby
                -sleeping through all the visits by public health staff and paid professional
                -not allowing me ask for help from close family and friends
                -playing video games/inviting friends over late at night for drinks/playing golf the first day after we came home from hospital, which I had to take baby back to re-check alone
                -not helping out house work and pressuring me to do it
                -not willing to hold the baby more than 2 minute
                -physically removing the baby from me if I cry from his yelling
                -did not let me have the baby sleep close to me- MUST in baby's own room
                -did not let me have the baby fall asleep in my bed-because his mother said so
                -pressured me to have circumcision for our son altho i wasn't comfortable
                -other things i m weary of disclosing because of confidentiality


                I left to seek support from family member, NOT to divorce or anything....but the marriage counsellor, CAS and public health staff talked me into my senses and something clicked..


                I was planning to go home after the weekend but that never happened because he started threatening me.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Careful, Pursuinghappiness, divorcingmama might complain to the other members that you're being mean to her, even though you're just telling her things that she doesn't want to here.

                  Not that this happened to me or anything. (cough)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    straittohell, that must have bothered you great deal....you are giving me too much power?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by divorcing mama View Post
                      my situation might be unique

                      -ex never participated in baby care
                      -abandoned us in the hospital
                      -forcing me to do things that i physically couldn't when we got home
                      -screaming and yelling at me in front of the baby
                      -sleeping through all the visits by public health staff and paid professional
                      -not allowing me ask for help from close family and friends
                      -playing video games/inviting friends over late at night for drinks/playing golf the first day after we came home from hospital, which I had to take baby back to re-check alone
                      -not helping out house work and pressuring me to do it
                      -not willing to hold the baby more than 2 minute
                      -physically removing the baby from me if I cry from his yelling
                      -did not let me have the baby sleep close to me- MUST in baby's own room
                      -did not let me have the baby fall asleep in my bed-because his mother said so
                      -pressured me to have circumcision for our son altho i wasn't comfortable
                      -other things i m weary of disclosing because of confidentiality


                      I left to seek support from family member, NOT to divorce or anything....but the marriage counsellor, CAS and public health staff talked me into my senses and something clicked..


                      I was planning to go home after the weekend but that never happened because he started threatening me.
                      This sounds like very bad behavior on the part of your ex and difficult to live with - but it's in the past and you have to think about the future now. Nothing that you've said here suggests that he shouldn't play an equal role in parenting the child. He may be a jerk and you may dislike him intensely, but he is still the child's father. Your feelings about him as a spouse (bad, lousy) have to be separated from your ability to co-operate with him as a co-parent. This is one of the hardest things to do when divorcing.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Careful, Pursuinghappiness, divorcingmama might complain to the other members that you're being mean to her, even though you're just telling her things that she doesn't want to here.
                        Perhaps she will but I'm not trying to be mean, in fact quite the opposite.

                        One of the most important lessons that I learned during divorce was to be fair and reasonable despite all the goading from my ex which could have led me to stoop to his level and do the wrong thing. The very first thing that I did was to ensure that we both had equal time with our child. For her sake more than ours.

                        I also read this forum and learned that in a divorce, the first person's behavior you need to examine isn't your ex's...its your own. When you are doing the wrong thing, you don't seek validation...you own up to what you are doing wrong and try to do better. And in doing so, you'll have a better result in court.

                        I also doubt that she wants to hear my opinion because it doesn't go along with her version of reality...but this is a public forum so I'll state it anyway and happily take my lumps from the "victimized" crowd...cause I'm a pain like that.
                        Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 11-06-2014, 10:01 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          my situation might be unique

                          -ex never participated in baby care
                          -abandoned us in the hospital
                          -forcing me to do things that i physically couldn't when we got home
                          -screaming and yelling at me in front of the baby
                          -sleeping through all the visits by public health staff and paid professional
                          -not allowing me ask for help from close family and friends
                          -playing video games/inviting friends over late at night for drinks/playing golf the first day after we came home from hospital, which I had to take baby back to re-check alone
                          -not helping out house work and pressuring me to do it
                          -not willing to hold the baby more than 2 minute
                          -physically removing the baby from me if I cry from his yelling
                          -did not let me have the baby sleep close to me- MUST in baby's own room
                          -did not let me have the baby fall asleep in my bed-because his mother said so
                          -pressured me to have circumcision for our son altho i wasn't comfortable
                          -other things i m weary of disclosing because of confidentiality
                          Your situation is not unique. Bad relationships that end in divorce are just that...bad.

                          First of all. Your child is very young so I find it hard to believe that you've established that he never participated in baby care in that small amount of time.

                          The rest of everything else you posted is run-of-the-mill, standard complaints between fighting spouses. Most divorcing people don't agree on the division of household duties, division of parenting time, and often have differing viewpoints on child rearing and parenting. There is absolutely NOTHING special about this which would justify denying parental rights to your ex spouse.

                          Let me also tell you that when someone is in a bad marital relationship it often translates into their relationships with others. Miserable people in miserable marriages are often worse mothers, fathers, sisters, aunts, daughters, friends, etc. than they'd be if they weren't be drained from the crappy relationship they were in.

                          So there's no telling what kind of father your ex would be. Maybe he was so tired of dealing with you that he couldn't parent effectively. I'd imagine that since you're away from him and the conflict of your relationship, its easier for you to concentrate on your baby.

                          The bottom line is that you are not being fair. And you're not just being unfair to your ex...which must be horrible for him...you're also not being fair to your baby.

                          I'm sure he has equally bad things to say about you so just for a second, imagine if he took your child away from you with exactly the same logic you've used. How would you feel right now?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            No pursuinghappiness I didn't think you were mean or anything.

                            I actually read through what you were saying quite carefully. I find truth in it. But again my case is very unique.

                            I think there are lots of supportive dads and they probably have contributed equal or even more to the children's lives in some cases. But do realize that there are exception.

                            My whole reason for divorce was actually for the child. It was not fair for the child to be living in such a hostile environment and I couldn't possibly provide the best care. Of course, you brought a valid point- I don't have the right to take the baby with me. I wasn't aware of any legal information when I left, now I know, but it is too hard to go back and change anything. Right now I just really want to have a solution. I did, try to talk to the ex about plans but nothing went too well since he was so hurt that I broke off the marriage and that hurt his parents a lot. And his parents are pushing him to go to court to get back at me.

                            I am not a victim but I do feel the lack of information and knowledge sometimes. I go out there to seek and it is hard to filter all the suggestions.....they can be completely contradicting and believe me I have been so frustrated with it.

                            Another thing is when I go seek help, people rarely follow through my entire case. They kinda stop at some point and imply that I am on my own. So I kinda have to explain my story every time when I try to ask for help....it is very daunting and draining..

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Honestly at the point when I was leaving, I just think the conflict needed to stop. So I asked him if he could leave that day to stay somewhere else, he said no. I then said I was gonna go. He passed me the baby. simple like that.

                              What would other people do in my situation? Of course there was also police involvement prior and suggestion from HCP to go to shelters and call CAS...

                              Comment

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