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  • Need some opinions????

    As I have mentioned my daughters mother had sole custody from birth until August 1st and we got shared. She was also found in contempt and I was given some additional time.

    Mom refused to register child in school. I was advised by a lawyer that because mom has more weeknights that I should allow mom a chance to register and not fight it (I didn't want the move to that school for multiple reasons dealing with child's special needs, change in board, and it would be her 7th school, 10th home) However I did work with mom to start the process and emailed with mom that she needed to do her end. I also reminded her and she continued to originally say no then said it was done and she was all set to start the first day.

    I arrived with our child first day of school to find out mom has never contacted them, there is no spot for our daughter. That she wouldn't be able to start until mom brings in the information and that there would have to be a meeting before they could even accept her. I also learned from principal and Sert that mom never talked to them, the class size discussed was false, the ea issue was false.

    After talking with a lawyer and asking my daughter where she wanted to go to school (she is 10 and a half) without telling her to much detail I enrolled her in the school she chose, which I also felt was a better fit.

    Smaller class, she has attended there for 2 (not last year though mom moved her when I bought my home in school zone), she could stay for remainder of elementary school, IEP and Identification automatically follows her she has autism, she has friends here, and her siblings and cousins attend the school. 5 minutes from my house and about 12 minutes from moms.

    Mom was notified today of the registration after everything was finalized as lawyer advised.

    The lawyer also advised me to file a 14 and a 14 A asking for the school to stay where she is registered, and sole decision making regarding education.

    Now She is freaking (which I expected) but she isn't threatening to take her out of the school, just to have me found in contempt, and see what legal steps she can take to switch her schools as she doesn't want her in my area school, she will not listen to any of my points and although even the principal at moms school choice felt the situation would be best if child stayed in my district due to her needs and what they can provide mom still wants child moved.

    So my qustion is do I still file the 14 and 14A as the lawyer advised? Do I wait for her to file or see if she just leaves her in the school?

    I don't want to look like I am the parent always bringing the motions to the court. I just want a stable school environment for our daughter. If she calms and allows her to stay I don't want to take sole decision making as I agreed to try shared custody. However I also don't want her to pull her out, or try and file a contempt on me? Part of me thinks I should follow the lawyers advice and file because this situation needs to get sorted.

    Any advice or opinions would be appreciated I feel like I need to make a decision tomorrow?

  • #2
    If I were you, I would do what exactly what your lawyer has said.

    Make it official, on the level and as non confrontational as you can.

    Comment


    • #3
      Yes, by all means take your lawyer's advice. Especially since your girl is doing well where she is, has friends, family and the sense of security of being in a familiar environment, I can't see how a judge would differ from this.

      I doubt that your Ex would do anything about it since she has already displayed apathy in that regard.

      If she did go for a contempt motion, it would probably backfire on her - so you're covered either way. Child's best interests would dictate that she remains where she is.

      Comment


      • #4
        Mom feels that I am in contempt because as its shared custody we have to make major decisions together and I didn't have her permission. I feel however that I tried to work with her the two weeks leading up to school start and once our daughter missed the first day it was my responsibility to take over to ensure she was in a school.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Dadx5 View Post
          Mom feels that I am in contempt because as its shared custody we have to make major decisions together and I didn't have her permission. I feel however that I tried to work with her the two weeks leading up to school start and once our daughter missed the first day it was my responsibility to take over to ensure she was in a school.
          You're absolutely right!

          From the way it sounds by your description given here, you had done the following;
          1. discussed the matter with mom
          2. preferred a different school then what mom had chosen
          3. agreed to mom's preference in an effort the respect mom's individual wishes for the child, outside of your own.
          4. left it to mom to register the child in the school of her choosing; to which mom had agreed

          -> the matter should have (at that point) been resolved.

          Following the agreement the following occurred;
          5. you had followed up with mom directly to check on the child's enrollment in the school
          6. mom had confirmed the child to be enrolled in the school, ready to start Sep. 2nd
          7. you take the child to school on September 2nd and the child has not been enrolled

          -> a new 'issue' is presented wherein;

          8. you learn that the school of moms choosing in not equip to handle your child's special needs

          -> a problem presents itself wherein you are faced with several choices whether or not you;
          (a) take the matter to the court, prior to enrolling the child in to either school; which would not be in the best interest of the child.
          (b) enroll the child in a school which is not capable of meeting the child's specific needs, file the motion for the change of school which is better suited for the child, leaving the child in an insufficient and/or potentially harmful situation (no idea what degree of autism your child has; but safety could be a concern here); which is not the best interest of the child.
          (c) enroll the child into a school which is better suited to meet her unique needs and/or ensure her safety while attending school during the day, file the motion with the court for the right to have decision making for the purpose of matters pertaining to the child's education; which will cause parental conflict, but which will ensure your child's educational and/or safety needs are being adequately met while you deal the matter in court.

          it's no brainer- child's needs are first, and our egos/issues come after that, and that's exactly what you have done here; placed the child's needs above your own, and ensured her needs are met so that you (the parents) can have the "other stuff" dealt with in court without causing the child any unnecessary laps in her education or other needs, while the adult issues are addressed in court.

          Mom is welcome to feel that you are in contempt; remember that her "feelings" don't prove your that your actions where contemptible considering the layout of events.

          IMO you should be filing on this matter before mom files in contempt.
          File for sole decision making (education), give mom an offer to settle for mutual decisions wherein you would retain "final say" on all matters of education "where no mutual agreement can be made", and see what happens.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Dadx5 View Post
            ...
            So my qustion is do I still file the 14 and 14A as the lawyer advised? Do I wait for her to file or see if she just leaves her in the school?...
            Why are you paying your lawyer, if not, for their advice? Follow the advice you've been given. It sounds like prudent advice.

            Comment


            • #7
              So long as you can show you that you acted reasonably and in the child's best interests, you will likely have little to fear.

              If you have emails reminding the ex that the school year is quickly approaching and that she should register the child as soon as possible as she has special needs, you can show that you are looking out for the kids best interests.

              I wouldn't get into the point that you asked the child. You mentioned special needs and it could be inferred that you unconsciously lead the child to choosing that school. Just state the child attended this school previously, is familiar with it and appeared to thrive while they were there.

              I also agree that you should follow your lawyers advice. Filing it first puts her on the defensive. Playing the waiting game is generally a losing approach.

              Comment


              • #8
                Thanks for the advice all. I felt the same way but I wanted some impartial view points to see if I was missing something.

                I did go to the court today and was given an urgent motion date for Thursday.

                After I left the court house at some point mom must have gone to file on me. She was informed that I had just been given a motion date and she wasn't able to file. She then emailed me asking what was going on.

                My other children attend the same school. When I arrived at the school I was informed that mother had removed the child from the school today an hour early. Mother gave no reason to the school. The principal was not happy about this as child had already missed first day and with the history was concerned that this was the beginning of a pattern already. She did give me a print out when I explained what was happening with the legal side of things. Of course school doesn't want to be a part of parental issues but they do want to be sure she is at school during school hours. I then recieved a text from mom telling me that she is with our daughter at the Tim Hortons about 10 minutes from the school.

                I was very frustrated by this as she removed her for no reason. I had even offered her last night via email that if there was any issues with transportation I would be happy to pick her up from school and bring her to mom so there was no disruption. Mom responded she wanted no change to the access order at all.

                I then went back to court the staff was able to commission the new information I then copied everything and served mom through Purolator.

                When I got home there was a message from mom saying that she agrees to the new school. She is upset that I moved the school, that she is upset that I started legal proceedings.

                I did write her back expressing I was concerned that our daughter missed 1/5 of the school days last year and was late over 20 days additionally plus a series of days she removed early. That with today's actions I felt it was showing history continuing. That I did however want to work with her.

                I offered to settle with her that I would have sole decision making with full input from her, and she would be able to attend and give input at all school meetings.

                That we keep the access schedule as is, except that she will ensure that child is to school on time and not removed early. In the event that her schedule does not allow this our daughter is to spend the night with me, or come with me afterschool until mother is free.

                I also offered as an alternative that I would pick up each mon-thrusday at school and drive her to mom for 4 hours. Pick her back up and keep her over night. That we would then alternate weekends, and keep summer and holiday access the same. This would allow our daughter to spend time with mom each day but ensure that her education and transitions are not compromised.

                She has responded by email that she does not agree. That she expects me to drop my motion because she agrees to the school staying where she is. That I have no right to be upset she removed her early as it is not a big deal.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I would get that in writing from the ex that the child shall attend X school. I would purposely leave it ambiguous as to duration, so that it is essentially permanent. Once signed, I would then drop the motion. Why? Because you can't fix stupid. She is entitled to be a bad parent. Should you see it affecting the kids marks over time, and you can show a pattern, you file a motion to change then. But for now, you've won a good battle. I don't see a judge ordering the remaining.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Dadx5 View Post
                    Thanks for the advice all. I felt the same way but I wanted some impartial view points to see if I was missing something
                    I know just how you feel.
                    Even though I do not have a lawyer, when I am given counsel through FLIC I often want to bounce the advice given to me off of others to see what I may have missed, if anything, or see if there are other alternatives out there which neither myself or the lawyer may not have considered.


                    On what happened today, make sure you document everything and keep the communications to text and email until the matter has been addressed in court to ensure things can't be said or claim to have been said, as your X seems the type to create drama when/if she becomes upset.

                    In my own situation I am having difficulty proving much of what had been said through the years because we were the phone and sit down conversation type of parents (even in conflict) which serves as a double whammy; not only is there no record of his statements but there is also no record of my compliance, acceptance, etc nor the numerous attempts I had made to reach an amicable agreement before things became very hostile, very quick.



                    Does your X have a work or social schedule which interferes with her getting the child to school on time, or which requires an early pick up to be needed on some days?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      All communication has been through email. Even if she texts something I respond by email. We do not talk on the phone to each other at all.

                      I feel a little at a loss right now. She keeps messaging me that she doesn't want to change anything and I should accept her word. I have told her that I was willing to drop my claims if we discussed and worked through some of my concerns but instead she keeps just saying that she is a good parent and that we need to work together and change nothing.

                      I am really glad she has accepted this school but all the other issues are still in place. She is even refusing to tell me who would be picking up our daughter or taking her to school as she is saying it won't be her.

                      She also keeps telling me that she will do the discussions with the teacher and she will be the one to make sure everything is in place at the school.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Just get it in writing that the school will be this school.

                        Who picks the child up or drops them off is irrelevant. My ex's mom picks up my kid everyday. Who cares. Just so long as the child is picked up during their parenting, that is all that matters.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Children's lawyer advised grandma not be allowed to be driving a van when child is in it. She has on 5 occasions been found unconscious and semi unconscious. Each time the police were involved and that is how OCL found out. Grandma would not disclose why, and would not sign consents for her medical record. OCL advised both sides that grandma should not be alone with child, or drive with child until this situation was examined in more detail. Grandma also threatened my other children and each time she is around them she makes threats or taunts them they are young between ages of 2 and 12, and OCL felt there was mental health issues based on police reports and ex's statements but that a medical evaluation would need to be done to better determine grandma's mental state, and that she should be kept away from the situation.

                          Mom has also left the child in a very dangerous situation with a man that is very concerning to myself, OCL, and even police. Part of the order is that child can not be alone with him (or any male). However mom has continued to allow this man in child's life.

                          That is why I am concerned with the plan for transportation. If it is just a friend, or neighbour then I am not concerned, I accept that when child is with mom other then those conditions it is up to mom who she has doing pick up and drop offs.

                          Comment

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