Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Thoughts/advice for new partners

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Thoughts/advice for new partners

    So Im in need of some advice or thoughts or insight. I did a bad thing last night apparently by asking my partner to expect a little respect from his adult child and not go running back for affection after a few weeks. This is a pattern of behaviour with him and Ive had enough.

    Their relationship goes way beyond parental alienation. His ex has manipulated the two kids (19 & 14) into abusing him the same way she abused him for their entire marriage. They attack him for different things that happened between his ex and him and when he puts his foot down they ignore him and he goes crawling back begging for affection from them. He tried to do the "I'm the parent, they are the child" attitude but then he falls back into "i miss my kids, its ok they treat me like this because at least they talk to me" behaviour.

    Now because the older one wont visit him, the ex interferes with the younger one who then says no to visitation. Old enough to have a "voice". The ex doesn't care if shes interfering. Shes above reproach.

    Ive been in therapy for years and have learned that relatives don't get to treat you like crap just because they're related. Which is something I have been trying to express to him but his guilt from the divorce wins out.

    I don't want to give an ultimatum but we cant make serious decisions (we're discussing moving to a new city for work and buying a house together) if he's going to be allowing this disrespect into our house. And it extends to me because they say things about me now and my position in his life and how we are together.

    How do I impress on him that he is the parent and they are the child and/or he does not deserve to be treated this way. I asked him how long he's going to allow these people to punish him for the same things. Especially when it allows them to justify their behaviour. Ive suggested therapy and he refuses. Im pretty close to an ultimatum. How have others dealt with similar situations? Is it a lost cause? Do I continue to allow these people to dictate our life with their attitude? How do I sit back and watch someone I love being kicked in the teeth every month?

  • #2
    In my opinion I think you should stay out of his relationship with his children. He will find his own way, in his own time, in determining his most effective parenting style.

    You are but an observer, in my opinion. Forcing him to choose you over his children isn't going to get you anywhere.

    You might be best to work on defining/reassessing your relationship with your partner. Getting involved with a divorced person who has kids can't be easy. I would think you would have to be quite flexible. Rather than giving this guy more grief in his life I believe you should either be supportive of his decisions or simply get out of the relationship.

    His children should be his #1 priority. You may not like it but it is what it is.

    Comment


    • #3
      That's a tough situation and is probably one of the main reason second marriages also have a high divorce rate.

      IMO ultimatums are never a good idea. However all the work you have done to try and assist him isn't working.

      In the end YOU need to be happy. If YOU are not then you need to take steps to ensure that you are.

      Comment


      • #4
        Im not asking him to choose between me and his kids. Im asking him to stop letting them abuse him. To learn some tools and tactics to deal with the way he is treated. And to help build his self esteem back up. I am asking him to choose his own health. I watch him endure chest pains and severe anxiety after every conversation he has with any of them. Will a heart attack make him see he needs to learn how to handle the situation? Will that help him see he deserves to be treated better? I watch how he puts his foot down and says no but then a week or two weeks later goes crawling back and it continues. If it was a friend being abused by a bf/spouse I would give them the same advice. Last year he was enduring abuse at work and I said the same thing. He got support in that situation, so why not in this one?

        He deserves to be loved. He deserves to not be punished for life. I want to express this to him and impress upon the importance of taking care of himself.

        My worry is he'll have a heart attack from the stress of it all. Isnt his health and well being important? Thats where my ultimatum comes from. He needs to take care of his emotional and physical well being to help him better manage his relationship with his kids. Learn how to talk to them. How to manage these situations that are conflict based. So that they can focus on developing a better life with better communication. Rather than these attacks on each other that never get resolved. The resentment towards each other has eroded their relationship.

        Comment


        • #5
          Some things you can't control, particularly other people and how they react to events in their lives.

          You want to brow-beat this guy? Sounds like you are merely nagging him. If you are intent on staying in this relationship (which in itself sounds unhealthy to me) then perhaps compartmentalize your life with him.

          You are describing your partner as a weak-minded "yes" man with no independent thought. Why would you be attracted to this sort of individual? I'd be doing some soul-searching.

          If you go into a relationship intent on changing someone you will be very, very disappointed at the outcome.

          Comment


          • #6
            It seems like this dynamic has been going on for a while with the ex and kids. You cannot force anyone to do anything they do not want to do. He has to be the one who decides on his own if he wants/needs help.

            You have to decide if you can stay in this relationship the way it is. You cannot change it by nagging him. If he follows what you want and he loses his kids over it, who do you think he will blame??

            Comment


            • #7
              This is the first time ive said as an adult his kid should be taking responsibility for things like this. It was a work schedule that was neglected and hes out money now for travel costs. Instead of taking responsibility, they attacked him for everything from not understanding/caring about their feelings to him expecting too much of them. I have never nagged or tried to control him. Im simply trying to encourage him to speak to someone about developing tools to handle these types of situations. I feel that the self esteem issues from being treated like this are impacting a few elements of his relationships not just with me but with his family and his friends.

              Several people recommended alienation therapy for kids manipulated by the other parent. What about therapy on how to talk to your kids to improve communication? Ways to manage so he doesnt lose his kids but has better communication so issues like this dont happen.

              I see the cycle that this creates. Lack of communication, issue that spirals out of control, a blow up with the ex and/or kids, ignore each other for a few weeks, goes begging for affection and then it starts again. There has to be a better way to have a relationship with each other that does not include unnecessary conflict and anger. If they choose to continue to behave this way so be it. But what can he change about his behaviour so he doesnt continue to suffer?

              I ask because i sit watching this happen over and over and i want him to get some tools to manage it better without causing difficulty in our relationship. Why i am i the bad guy for encouraging him to make the situation better? Yes i did a bad thing by saying his kid was inconsiderate but how is that different than me saying a coworker was inconsiderate for calling him an asshole?

              Comment


              • #8
                As a newcomer to a relationship with a person who has kids, here's what I try to ask myself when similar things come up.

                #1) - does the action bother me to the extent that I need to rethink this relationship?

                In your situation, ask yourself, if your partner continues to allow this pattern to occur, will it bother you to the extent of reconsidering your relationship with this person.

                For the rest, if you live together in the same household, anyone who enters that home should be held to a minimum of respectful behaviour to yourself, regardless if who's child it is. (You don't have to be someone's parent to be able to say hey that's not acceptable in my household).

                My understanding of teenage hood is that it is quite common to alternate between loving and hating ones parents, regardless of divorce lol! (He'll even into adulthood it seems to occur)

                Comment


                • #9
                  ^agree

                  I often see posts on here from new partners of people who are in the throws of separation and who eventually find themselves essentially at loggerheads with their partner's ex or children.

                  I think you should consider taking a step back and examining your relationship carefully. Do you have anything in common besides discussion of the high drama concerning ex & teenage children? Some people get so incredibly over-involved in their new partner's divorce that I think they lose sight of why they are with this person in the first place.

                  You have every right to demand that anyone coming into your house behaves courteously to you. If the teenagers cannot be civil to you then perhaps your partner should visit them in another location?

                  I don't know how you and others in your situation manage to balance things. It must be incredibly stressful for you. It must be equally stressful for your partner who has the task of building a relationship with his estranged teenaged children while keeping you happy.

                  Things likely will not change overnight, in fact things many never change.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    There's an old saying that my mother used to quote:'' Love me, love my dog''. In other words you are in a relationship with a divorced Dad, these issues are going to creep up now and then - he's a package deal.
                    The best you can do is try to keep your private life away from your husband's ex and his children --- don't let them put a wedge between you and your spouse. They may be teenagers, but Dad will always want them in his life - for better or worse and that's how it should be.

                    It's your home and you get to set down the rules. If his relatives lack common courtesy, you have to put your foot down. I sympathize with your dilemma. S'probably why I am single now and planning to stay that way!
                    Last edited by Janibel; 04-24-2014, 02:46 PM. Reason: typo

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      We have a great relationship. We have a lot in common and we love each other very much. His divorce, his ex, his kids factor very little in our relationship. We made a deal early on that his past doesnt factor into our future other than how it needs to (visitation etc). I like his kids. I enjoy spending time with them. I am constantly encouraging him to be in their lives and do whats best for them. I am not asking him to choose, to ignore them, or in any way do I wish to control him. I want him to learn some tools to manage his relationship and communication with them. Yes theyre teenagers and will hate their parents and not want to visit but they dont get a free pass to attack him. Which is why I think knowing how to talk to them would help.

                      I dont like seeing him hurt. Thats the part I struggle with. And by solidifying further our relationship, it challenges it further. The attacks have escalated since we returned from a major vacation together last year. We both try to ignore it and I normally shut my mouth. Last night I cracked. He agrees with the level of respect toward me but he allows them to mistreat him. That is my major kicker. Do I just shut up and let him be mistreated like this? Is that really healthy?

                      I guess my concerns are normal and I have to ignore it. Ill encourage him to get his heart checked in case there is a physical issue that the stress impacts. But at this point I have to go back and not let how hes treated bother me.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You can't control your partner's interactions with his children, in this sad and dysfunctional situation, any more than you could control his drinking or substance use if he were an addict. He has to recognize for himself that his behaviors aren't working and make the resolution to change them for himself, not for anyone else. If you've said your piece about how his relationship with his kids appears to you, you've done all that can be done, and you have to step back and let him figure it out (or not, as the case may be).

                        You do have the right to set *your own* limits for how much *you* will interact with his kids, and if that means saying you don't want them in your house, that's reasonable, even though it may cause conflict with your partner.

                        The question for you is not "how can I change this?", it's "can I go on being in a relationship with him even though I don't like the way he interacts with his kids?". Maybe the answer is yes, maybe the answer is no.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                          Do I just shut up and let him be mistreated like this? Is that really healthy?

                          .
                          Well he is a grown-man and has had all his shots? I doubt that he will change his parenting style all that much. This is something that he has to figure out for himself. It's not healthy that he puts up with this - there's nothing you can to about it - other than being supportive.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            One of the things my partner and I do is have serious venting sessions. We have a really good level of communication and neither one of us has ever abused the venting session by bringing stuff from it up in serious disagreements we have. (It's the only way it works, otherwise it's just ammo to be used in future arguments).

                            When his ex does something or says something that "attacks" him in some way, yes I get upset about and so does he, but we both realize there isn't a lot we can do about it, so instead of trying to fix the unfixable, we have a venting session to help purge the anger and frustration. It works great for me because generally after I throw whatever tantrum/venting I need to, I can't sustain the negative emotions after that (its really hard to be angry and frustrated all the time).

                            Maybe trying to find a solution to the problem isn't the answer, maybe finding a better way to cope with the negative emotions it brings up is a better solution. YMMV though

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Teenagers vacillate between being know-it-all, self-centred brats to being caring, intelligent beings with zits. I can't imagine stepping into a situation like you are in. The kids are of course going to get as much mileage as they can and blame everyone for their unhappiness and fear of the future.

                              The way I see it you are walking a very fine line between alienating his kids or adding to his anxiety if you aren't careful. While your intentions are well-meaning you can bet that no one is going to appreciate what you are trying to accomplish. People generally hate change, especially when there is a sense of loss of control.

                              I'd try to make your home a happy, stress-free place where he can simply relax and not have to analyse his problems with his ex/teenage children. Of course the kids are going to try to make him feel guilty over the divorce. Kids are essentially little 'guilt boxes' the minute they are born, IMO.

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X