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  • Police Report Filing?

    I recently dropped the kids (v young) to the ex in a neutral location (parking lot at a mini mall). I am not sure why but just after they were in her car she basically lost it in an raging fit.

    I won't get into all of the details but to summarize when I was about to leave, she screamed VERY abusive crap at me, opened my car door (no permission), slammed it again knocking the dog across the seat, jammed my arm in her car window (I had asked her to open it) when I was stroking one of the kids heads trying to tell them everything was OK and proceeded to begin driving away with my arm stuck inside saying she wouldn't give the kids back to me ever.

    Years ago before the divorce she was abusive both physically and mentally/emotionally but this was the first overt time since then in front of the kids (who were crying their eyes out). She doesn't seem to believe that she has any boundaries when she's in a rage (eg. it's my car, not hers and she cannot touch it) and now obviously doesn't care about traumatizing the children either. In her mind, whatever she did is somehow my fault. That's always the pattern.

    Now nothing was serious enough for me to call the cops and I don't want to escalate things as she'll then try to end all contact with the children but I am also afraid that she will keep pushing boundaries and this will get worse over time. So my question is what should I do about it?

    Specifically, I am wondering if a police report can be filed that will result in no charges (at my request) but would act as an official record of what she did without her knowing and being able to try to take revenge.

    Oh and it's a guarantee that if things had been reversed and I had done the above I'd be sitting in jail right now and she'd be happy as heck. I'm not sure what to do but I need this to stop. It's years later and she still thinks it's perfectly ok to randomly fly into a rage and do whatever she wants.

    Advice?

  • #2
    Carry a voice recorder on you when you are to meet your ex and tape all the interaction you have with your her.

    Alternatively use a third party to transfer the kids.

    Comment


    • #3
      Perhaps send her an email asking her to refrain from this type of behaviour, especially in front of the kids because doing "XX" (detail the events) is not conducive to good parenting or the best interests of the children. Also mention that her threats to abduct the children are of particular concern to you.

      Let her go off on you by email, then you have it documented in writing.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
        Perhaps send her an email asking her to refrain from this type of behaviour, especially in front of the kids because doing "XX" (detail the events) is not conducive to good parenting or the best interests of the children. Also mention that her threats to abduct the children are of particular concern to you.

        Let her go off on you by email, then you have it documented in writing.
        ^^^^^^ Very good advice.

        Comment


        • #5
          Making a police report will do nothing. It is just a he said, she said. And you will have to pay to obtain that report if you ever need it in the future. They aren't cheap either.

          If you think that she will do this again I strongly recommend that you use a third party OR change things so that the children go to her after school directly, or be picked up from the daycare or whatever. Even if this means giving her an extra hour or two, and you an hour less, this will be the best solution. Her issue is obviously with YOU and her emotions are strong enough that she cannot control them while the children are present.

          Now nothing was serious enough for me to call the cops and I don't want to escalate things
          This part of your post concerns me. You say nothing was serious enough for me to call the cops... I dunno, if someone were screaming and raging as you state above, and driving away with my arm in the car, I would think that would be police worthy. However, I also have a zero tolerance for conflict and abuse. Perhaps you are more tolerant?

          All that to say, the way you describe the incident, at least in my opinion, sounds very harsh. It doesn't really jive with the statement that you make about this "not being serious enough to call the cops". So I guess I'm a little confused. And if I'm confused, others will likely be too.

          Just be careful is what I'm saying. Sometimes we use strong adjectives to propel a conversation to get people to see our side of things. But it isn't always accurate. A police officer, at least a seasoned one, would say "but you said it wasn't serious so why are you wanting to file a report?".

          The other thing that concerns me is you patting the child's head to calm them. I'm playing devil's advocate and will likely get slammed for this but lets assess this at face value: Does the mom pose a threat to the child? If so, then access should not be granted or at least supervised access pursued. If the child us upset, this may be a consequence of a child playing a particular role for the benefit of the father (meaning if a third party did the transitition they probably wouldn't see the child behave this way). Why prolong and play into things things? If mom is not a threat to the child, why not tell the child to have a good visit and say good bye and exit the situation? Isn't you putting your hand in her car to pat the child's head pretty much the same as her opening your car door? Ya ya, you asked her to open her window and she didn't ask you to open your door, but it is the same thing, just without explicit permission.

          I've been involved with very much the same situation above for the record. Mom opens the door and gets drinks for the kids while we wait, the kids start to cry, we have to wait some more while she gives her 8th hug and tells them she misses them (but will see them tomorrow lol) and we just wait and wait. It is annoying as hell. Sometimes she barks stuff at us, some colourful stuff, again we just wait, we don't respond. I don't like her in my car, or even coming near the car, but what am I to do? We have since moved our transitions away from the home.

          Comment


          • #6
            I think there's potentially a feeling of "less serious" when it's a woman doing it to a man, simply because men are typically bigger and stronger than women. As well, if this is how she has always been with him during their relationship, he's likely used to it and somewhat desensitized.

            I don't think it's right, as if the situation had been reversed the general public would be railing for him to be charged.

            Comment


            • #7
              Perhaps send her an email asking her to refrain from this type of behaviour, especially in front of the kids because doing "XX" (detail the events) is not conducive to good parenting or the best interests of the children. Also mention that her threats to abduct the children are of particular concern to you.

              Let her go off on you by email, then you have it documented in writing.
              Agree that this is good advice.

              I'd also mention that you'll expect her cooperation by the next upcoming access day and I'd CC my lawyer when I send the email so that she knows you're documenting and discussing this with your attorney should it escalate further and she tries to deny access.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                Agree that this is good advice.

                I'd also mention that you'll expect her cooperation by the next upcoming access day and I'd CC my lawyer when I send the email so that she knows you're documenting and discussing this with your attorney should it escalate further and she tries to deny access.
                Agreed... this happened to us a couple weeks ago... my partners ex lost it and was screaming at my partner, so loud, I could hear her in the car, which would mean the kids could too. A couple times the kids opened the doors and she yelled at them to stay in the car and slammed the door. After about 5 minutes, my partner was done trying to reason with her and just got back in the car, he wasn't able to even say bye to the kids.

                When we got home, he sent an email to his ex stating that her behavior was inappropriate, especially in front of the children and that if she continues to do this, he will seek to have exchanges take place at the local OPP station parking lot and in the future, if she has anything she would like to discuss, it should be via email.

                He got a snotty email back about her being upset and blah blah blah, he just copied and pasted his first email and never heard back after that.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I like that your partner communicated his displeasure with his ex's behavior right after it occurred. I equate it with training an animal. It is useless to do behavior modification days and weeks later. Animal has to know immediately that the action was unacceptable.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    1. Call the local police and ask them if it's possible to make a report of her physical actions towards you, even if no charges are pressed, so that you have a record. The record may not be worth much if you don't choose to follow up on it, but a document trail is never a bad thing, esp. if the behavior escalates.
                    2. Email your ex as Berner_Fath suggested.
                    3. Find a different location. The mini-mall parking lot isn't working, what about inside a Tim Horton's or McDonald's? The ex may be less likely to lose it if she's surrounded by other people, and these places have security staff in case she does. Could also be more of a treat for the kids if they get a doughnut or something out of it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                      Perhaps send her an email asking her to refrain from this type of behaviour, especially in front of the kids because doing "XX" (detail the events) is not conducive to good parenting or the best interests of the children. Also mention that her threats to abduct the children are of particular concern to you.

                      Let her go off on you by email, then you have it documented in writing.

                      About 3 hrs later I did that exact thing. She won't respond though

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Luddite View Post
                        About 3 hrs later I did that exact thing. She won't respond though
                        No need for her to really respond... Although sometimes they will shoot themselves in the foot.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Serene View Post
                          Maki You say nothing was serious enough for me to call the cops... I dunno, if someone were screaming and raging as you state above, and driving away with my arm in the car, I would think that would be police worthy. However, I also have a zero tolerance for conflict and abuse. Perhaps you are more tolerant?
                          Maybe you're right but she's still the mother of my children and I don't want her to be prosecuted for something that in the end, wasn't like she hit me with a shovel or something. If she had then my response to call the police would have been clear. Maybe I'm just a stupid sap.

                          Just be careful is what I'm saying. Sometimes we use strong adjectives to propel a conversation to get people to see our side of things. But it isn't always accurate. A police officer, at least a seasoned one, would say "but you said it wasn't serious so why are you wanting to file a report?".
                          I understand what you're saying but this was what happened. To be blunt she screamed "FUCK YOU" at me if that helps with the conversation.

                          Does the mom pose a threat to the child?
                          I don't think so physically at least. They are young and she is obsessed with them (or so she says) but mentally/emotionally? Definite possibility. That being said, it doesn't make any difference as it's next to impossible to prove. I worry about it a lot.


                          Isn't you putting your hand in her car to pat the child's head pretty much the same as her opening your car door?
                          Not in my opinion. She opened my door screamed at me, slammed it, hit my dog. I asked first, tried to console my daughter and was purposely caught in the window and pulled across the lot. doesn't seem even close


                          It is annoying as hell.
                          I understand what you are saying but annoying I can handle and usually have to. This was breaking boundaries, threatening and even dangerous if we want to make it an extreme argument.

                          I wasn't afraid but that's probably because I'm a guy and as someone said, this isn't new to me from her. Still, it was way beyond annoying and it's been years since we split.

                          The point is, if I had done this I'd likely be barred from seeing the kids ever and probably be in a cell over Christmas. She does it and here I am wondering how to even deal with it.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                            I don't think it's right, as if the situation had been reversed the general public would be railing for him to be charged.
                            Exactly and she's cold enough to do it. I don't think it's serious enough to have her charged. I want the kids to be ok and not have a criminal for a mother.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by stripes View Post
                              1. Call the local police and ask them if it's possible to make a report of her physical actions towards you, even if no charges are pressed, so that you have a record. The record may not be worth much if you don't choose to follow up on it, but a document trail is never a bad thing, esp. if the behavior escalates.
                              .
                              I guess that's all I can do thank you.

                              Comment

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