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  • Child custody

    My ex and I have been broken up for about 2 years. Part of the reason we broke up is because he was selling pot and smokes out of the basement. I have not gone to court at all hoping we could take a hold on this situation ourselves. I have had numerous talks with him bout taking his daughter but with no change. He has refused to sign a written agreement in the past wanting to do a verbal agreement instead. I was trying to compromise with him so I agreed. He was still not taking her and when he did take it was inconsistent. We have had our share of problems, but I always tried to let things be for the sake of my daughter. The latest, his girlfriend sent me pictures of my 2 1/2 year old daughter sitting on the toilet, posing, blowing a kiss (which he later admitted he took the pictures). I contacted him through facebook (i changed my cell number due to constant bickering back n forth) telling him I thought the pictures were innapropriate and to stop taking them. He is now saying I accused of porn and abuse, which nowhere in my message does it say that. He hasn't taken my daughter since or even tried to contact me. (a month n a half). I created another agreement, adding I requested a drug test every few months and for him to take his bipolar medication due to anger lash outs in the past). He replied with accusations towards me and making up lies about me wanting to hit his mom which I have a text conversation of her confirming that what he said isn`t true.

    I want to go to court for full custody or supervised visits. these are my reasons:

    He has sold pot before and I now have a third party telling me he`s selling alcohol - he told third party himself
    He smokes pot on a daily basis
    He hasn`t raised my daughter since birth. He has taken her numerous times but inconsistently and 90% of the time, its his girlfriend watching her or shes playing with his girlfriend`s daughter. The father-daughter interaction is very minimal.
    He has missed so many visitations without notifying me at all or 95% of the time be 1-2hrs late to pick her up or bring her back.
    He has no desire in reaching out to her between visitations (I used to live 5 minutes from his house, when id pass by him on the street I would stop and ask him if he`d like to say hi to our daughter, If I didnt, he wouldnt say anything and just keep walking right passed her)
    He has attended maybe 2-4 doctor visits throughout the past 2 years although I have reminded him about all of them.
    Every weekend he was supposed to take her 90% of the time I had to message him to ask him if he was taking her or not, and half the time id get no reply and no show ups.
    He has anger problems
    -During our relationship he has punched holes in the walls numerous times.
    -Has sped up on the road with my baby daughter in the backseat, I had to yell at him to park somewhere n cool down.
    -He has ran his car into a fence because of anger.
    His priorities are all over the place. He plans his life around our daughter instead of planning daughter around his life, has not shown up for visitation due to interviews, fight with girlfriend, had to go to junkyard for car parts, had to clean the car...etc)
    His girlfriend has put a swimmers diaper on my daughter due to lack of diapers in the home and has brought my daughter back after lunch without lunch being given and not telling me about it.
    He has taken pictures of my daughter on the toilet posing for him.

    He currently lives in a 1 bedroom apartment with is girlfriend and her daughter and a golden retriever. Im guessing they all sleep in the same room, i dont know. My daughter still sleeps in a playpen. (This is inadequate shelter and bedding)
    They have told me that he has computer and computer all over the apartment taking space in a tiny 1 bedroom.
    90% of the time she would come back to me with the start of a cold when shed never get sick while being at my home when he wouldnt take her for 2 months.
    He would send her back with soaked clothes in a bag smelling like rotten milk.
    hes been an appearing and disappearing act to my daughter.

    All of these reasons have been there before, I just thought he would change and be a father to my daughter which he has failed to do on numerous occasions.

    I have called CAS but they said I couldnt do anything without an order.
    When i told them he smoked pot, they said to not let her go see him until i go to court.

    I have a single family home 30 min from ottawa with my boyfriend of 2 years, our 6 month old daughter and my 2 1/2 year old daughter.
    My boyfriend works two jobs to support, I am at home with kids and I also babysit a 3 year old little girl.

    Between Rent, bills, food, tuition loan, and daily necessities,

    I am in no way capable of affording a lawyer. I need advice have an idea of what im heading for and if these factors are relevant in my case.

  • #2
    I think you should maybe go to court just to get an official Order.

    I think his past behaviour does not necessarily reflect his currrent behaviour (pot smoking, anger, etc.)

    I think him taking a pic of baby on potty isn't a big deal and you are over-reacting.

    I think it is shamefull that he isn't a regular part of your daughters life, but going to court will not force him to be either.

    Comment


    • #3
      Here is why you will not get what you are thinking you will get:

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      I want to go to court for full custody or supervised visits. these are my reasons:

      He has sold pot before and I now have a third party telling me he`s selling alcohol - he told third party himself
      Have a criminal record to back this up. Furthermore, if he isn't selling the items in the presence of the children then it doesn't present his as a risk. If you read in Bruni v. Bruni the family members of one of the parties was a "Hells Angel" and although the judge was not keen on that being the case and them uttering death threats it wasn't an "automatic" sole custody supervised access situation.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      He smokes pot on a daily basis
      Again, does he blow the smoke into the child's face? Can you prove this as your utterance of this just makes it "hearsay". (Google this term.)

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      He hasn`t raised my daughter since birth. He has taken her numerous times but inconsistently and 90% of the time, its his girlfriend watching her or shes playing with his girlfriend`s daughter. The father-daughter interaction is very minimal.
      In fact, this would work to his benefit. He may present the girlfriend as a common law spouse and the other child as a step sibling. He has a stable relationship and someone else to assist in your child's care. In fact, a conservative judge may see this as a benefit to the child's best interests. Based on your statement. You cannot control his parenting and what you have written is very "controlling".

      I can tell you a judge will lambaste you for that if you comitted it to an affidavit.

      Read the "best interest" rules in the CLRA. It is not what you think are the best interests of the child are... They are what is the best interests of the child.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      He has missed so many visitations without notifying me at all or 95% of the time be 1-2hrs late to pick her up or bring her back.
      Now this is relevant. Document each date, time and occurance that it happened. Hopefully you followed up each incident with an email that you have kept. This kind of stuff DOES matter before the court.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      He has no desire in reaching out to her between visitations (I used to live 5 minutes from his house, when id pass by him on the street I would stop and ask him if he`d like to say hi to our daughter, If I didnt, he wouldnt say anything and just keep walking right passed her)
      This can be argued countered as providing you and your daughter privacy. There are parents on this site who would love for this to happen. Why would you complain about this? Unless he is missing mid-week access visits then you shouldn't complain about this. It in fact makes you look over anxious and "controlling" to even bring it up.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      He has attended maybe 2-4 doctor visits throughout the past 2 years although I have reminded him about all of them.
      2-4 doctor visits in 2 years is actually over the standard norm of encounters with a clinician. Is your child sick? Does your child have a long term disease? This argument will not win you "sole custody".

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      Every weekend he was supposed to take her 90% of the time I had to message him to ask him if he was taking her or not, and half the time id get no reply and no show ups.
      Document each time and hopefully you didn't SMS message him. Move to email from now on. SMS is not traceable or reportable. Email is "somewhat" better. You should be using something like Our Family Wizard to manage all communications.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      He has anger problems
      Or you say and/or "feel" he has anger problems.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      -During our relationship he has punched holes in the walls numerous times.
      Date, time and photographs of each time it happened. Did you contact law enforcement? Did CAS investigate? Why not (if you didn't)? This can be easily countered as false allegations of intimate partner abuse.

      Remember: "False allegations are made by people who can't give dates, times and particulars. They talk in generalized statements with no details."

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      -Has sped up on the road with my baby daughter in the backseat, I had to yell at him to park somewhere n cool down.
      Hearsay. Please review what "hearsay" means and especially in the context of providing evidence to court. Just because you "say it is so" does not make it so. Unless you can provide evidence beyond the rules of hearsay... It will be disgarded.

      i.e. You once ate 50 hard boiled eggs in less than an hour. Unless you are Cool Hand Luke and there is video documentation or significant witnesses willing to come forward on AFFIDAVIT EVIDENCE SWORN TO THE TRUTH that you ate 50 hard boiled eggs... You didn't do it.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5h_PuVlmYY

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      -He has ran his car into a fence because of anger.
      Accident incident report? Police involved?

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      His priorities are all over the place. He plans his life around our daughter instead of planning daughter around his life, has not shown up for visitation due to interviews, fight with girlfriend, had to go to junkyard for car parts, had to clean the car...etc)
      You are not the judge. This is a very judgemental statement. Do not write like this in an affidavit because a judge will read you the riot act. Nor would a good lawyer even let you put this to affidavit.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      His girlfriend has put a swimmers diaper on my daughter due to lack of diapers in the home and has brought my daughter back after lunch without lunch being given and not telling me about it.
      Irrelivant. The child had a diaper. Because it was a "swimming" diaper does not show neglect and/or abuse. Call CAS and see what they tell you about the incident. Why would a judge say anything different than what CAS would tell you or someone on a public message board.

      You seem to be very "controlling" and jealous of the "girlfriend".

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      He has taken pictures of my daughter on the toilet posing for him.
      What is the relevance to this statement? Are you implying he is a child pornographer now? Honestly what do you think a judge is going to do? Take the child away from him? Call CAS if it is so bad and see what they do. Why would a judge do otherwise?

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      He currently lives in a 1 bedroom apartment with is girlfriend and her daughter and a golden retriever. Im guessing they all sleep in the same room, i dont know. My daughter still sleeps in a playpen. (This is inadequate shelter and bedding)
      Irrelevant. The child has a safe place to sleep. I have seen litigants show up at court living in a <550 square foot bachelor with 2 children, pets and other adults living in the space. Unless the environment will kill the child... They don't care.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      They have told me that he has computer and computer all over the apartment taking space in a tiny 1 bedroom.
      The argument will fall on deaf ears at the court and with a custody and access evaluator. Unless there is poo on the floor and there is a risk of health then they won't care or do anything.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      90% of the time she would come back to me with the start of a cold when shed never get sick while being at my home when he wouldnt take her for 2 months.
      Controlling? Honestly. Re-read what you wrote. Children get sick. EOW parent. YOu are projecting blame at someone for making your child sick. Over anxious parents commonly make this kind of argument. Over anxious parents can pose significant danger to their children. A smart and educated litigant could run this argument into some very dangerous indefensible ground if brought to court that could put your custody of the child at risk.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      He would send her back with soaked clothes in a bag smelling like rotten milk.
      So he doesn't wash the clothing. EOW parent. Do you want a court order stating that he has to launder the clothing every time? It is an irrelivant argument and only demonstrates your anger/frustration in my opinion.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      hes been an appearing and disappearing act to my daughter.
      Relevant. Document "how" this happened. See previous comments on missed access visits.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      All of these reasons have been there before, I just thought he would change and be a father to my daughter which he has failed to do on numerous occasions.
      You cannot change him. This statement alone is very concerning. You can only change yourself and not others.

      Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
      I have called CAS but they said I couldnt do anything without an order.

      When i told them he smoked pot, they said to not let her go see him until i go to court.
      CAS would never say this. They would investigate. Please do not lie like this to the community of readers. All calls are investigated to CAS. So if you called them they have investigated the allegation. Basically if you deny access you could find yourself in violation of the Criminal Code of Canada section 283.(1) abduction and trying to say CAS would tell you to conduct yourself illegally is inappropriate.

      To be continued...
      Last edited by Tayken; 07-11-2012, 02:03 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
        I have a single family home 30 min from ottawa with my boyfriend of 2 years, our 6 month old daughter and my 2 1/2 year old daughter.
        Congratulations?

        Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
        My boyfriend works two jobs to support, I am at home with kids and I also babysit a 3 year old little girl.
        Congratulations?

        Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
        Between Rent, bills, food, tuition loan, and daily necessities,

        I am in no way capable of affording a lawyer. I need advice have an idea of what im heading for and if these factors are relevant in my case.
        You are heading for disaster if this is your argument you will bring forward to the court. If the other parent comes with representation they will make short work of your allegations before the court and use your highly conflicted statements against you.

        Good Luck!
        Tayken

        PS: Consider your position on these and COURT is not a fun thing, judges do not think the way you want them to and most (if not all) of what you have raised as thinking is "relevant" simply is not.

        Good book to read: Tug Of War. The 30$ investment could save you and your child a lot of pain and agony. Chapters has a copy for sure. It is written by a Canadian Judge.

        Comment


        • #5
          I am assuming based on your handle/screen name including the number 88 that you were born in 1988 and are 24 years old. Assuming from the arguments that you are presenting you have a high school education (not that this is a bad thing) and are attending some post secondary education at the college or trades level of education? Is this correct?

          Comment


          • #6
            I called yesterday , and that is exactly what she told me! So what am I supposed to do? Let go of everything and let him pop in and out of her life like he wants to and let her get hurt by it everytime?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
              My ex and I have been broken up for about 2 years.

              Part of the reason we broke up is because he was selling pot and smokes out of the basement.
              Irrelevant.

              I have not gone to court at all hoping we could take a hold on this situation ourselves. I have had numerous talks with him bout taking his daughter but with no change. He has refused to sign a written agreement in the past wanting to do a verbal agreement instead. I was trying to compromise with him so I agreed. He was still not taking her and when he did take it was inconsistent. We have had our share of problems, but I always tried to let things be for the sake of my daughter.
              Then for the sake of your daughter, take it to the next level and secure a written agreement.

              The latest, his girlfriend sent me pictures of my 2 1/2 year old daughter sitting on the toilet, posing, blowing a kiss (which he later admitted he took the pictures).
              That's cute, and nice that the GF thought to share an adorable picture with mom since she wasn't there.

              I contacted him through facebook (i changed my cell number due to constant bickering back n forth) telling him I thought the pictures were innapropriate and to stop taking them.
              Um, unless you're viewing the pictures in an inappropriate manner, I fail to see how this is inappropriate. I also fail to see where it's written that you get to dictate to him what moments of HIS child's life he gets to capture on film.

              He is now saying I accused of porn and abuse, which nowhere in my message does it say that. He hasn't taken my daughter since or even tried to contact me. (a month n a half). I created another agreement, adding I requested a drug test every few months and for him to take his bipolar medication due to anger lash outs in the past). He replied with accusations towards me and making up lies about me wanting to hit his mom which I have a text conversation of her confirming that what he said isn`t true.
              You did accuse him of being inappropriate with your daughter which could very well have led him to be concerned about any allegations you may make if he does take her. You don't get to create an agreement and dictate what the terms of his being allowed to be a father are. You need to realize, he IS the father and has just the same rights as you do.

              I want to go to court for full custody or supervised visits. these are my reasons:

              He has sold pot before and I now have a third party telling me he`s selling alcohol - he told third party himself
              He sold pot in the past, totally irrelevant to now. Unless you have proof that he is currently selling alcohol, more than the neighbour's best friend's brother's niece said so, also irrelevant.

              He smokes pot on a daily basis
              And you can prove this? And that he's doing it in the presence of his daughter and putting her at risk?

              He hasn`t raised my daughter since birth. He has taken her numerous times but inconsistently and 90% of the time, its his girlfriend watching her or shes playing with his girlfriend`s daughter. The father-daughter interaction is very minimal.
              Irrelevant. How he chooses to use his time with her is up to him - YOU don't have a say in it. I am sure she is benefitting from having additional people in her life to bond with and to love her.

              He has missed so many visitations without notifying me at all or 95% of the time be 1-2hrs late to pick her up or bring her back.
              You don't have a written agreement, get one.
              He has no desire in reaching out to her between visitations (I used to live 5 minutes from his house, when id pass by him on the street I would stop and ask him if he`d like to say hi to our daughter, If I didnt, he wouldnt say anything and just keep walking right passed her)
              Perhaps he doesn't appreciate having to go through you to get to HIS daughter. Stop being a gatekeeper and recognize his equal right to parent - even if you don't agree with his style.

              He has attended maybe 2-4 doctor visits throughout the past 2 years although I have reminded him about all of them.
              Irrelevant.

              Every weekend he was supposed to take her 90% of the time I had to message him to ask him if he was taking her or not, and half the time id get no reply and no show ups.
              Then he had you well trained. He behaved in a certain way knowing that YOU would respond a certain way and you did - everytime. So now that the pattern is continuing you're complaining about it.


              He has anger problems
              -During our relationship he has punched holes in the walls numerous times.
              -Has sped up on the road with my baby daughter in the backseat, I had to yell at him to park somewhere n cool down.
              -He has ran his car into a fence because of anger.
              Unless you have proof of your claims and that it is having a negative effect on the child, it's irrelevant.

              His priorities are all over the place. He plans his life around our daughter instead of planning daughter around his life, has not shown up for visitation due to interviews, fight with girlfriend, had to go to junkyard for car parts, had to clean the car...etc)
              Um, he SHOULD be planning his life around his daughter. What's the issue here?


              His girlfriend has put a swimmers diaper on my daughter due to lack of diapers in the home and has brought my daughter back after lunch without lunch being given and not telling me about it.
              That was nice of her. I'm sure as a parent she understands what it's like to run out of supplies unexpectedly (don't you hate when that happens??!) and she was able to provide whatever she had on hand. As parents you learn quickly how to MacGyver your way out of lots of situations. As for lunch, not even sure how you know that's what happened??

              He has taken pictures of my daughter on the toilet posing for him.
              Lots of parents do. It's a right of passage that goes along with potty training - gotta have something to show everyone at their wedding!

              He currently lives in a 1 bedroom apartment with is girlfriend and her daughter and a golden retriever. Im guessing they all sleep in the same room, i dont know.
              That sounds cozy. Not sure how you feel it's relevant, especially since you`re just guessing?

              My daughter still sleeps in a playpen. (This is inadequate shelter and bedding)
              According to whom?

              They have told me that he has computer and computer all over the apartment taking space in a tiny 1 bedroom.
              Who is 'they' and why is it any of 'their' or your business if/that he has a computer and where he keeps it?

              90% of the time she would come back to me with the start of a cold when shed never get sick while being at my home when he wouldnt take her for 2 months.
              Yup, this happens when kids get a chance to get out and be social with other kids.

              He would send her back with soaked clothes in a bag smelling like rotten milk.
              Not illegal or immoral in any way. He just happens to be less good at being domestic than you may be.

              hes been an appearing and disappearing act to my daughter.
              Get an agreement done.

              All of these reasons have been there before, I just thought he would change and be a father to my daughter which he has failed to do on numerous occasions.
              So he's the same person he was when you were together, you left him because of who he was and now you still expect him to change. If he wouldn't change when he was with you, chances that he will now are very VERY slim.

              I have called CAS but they said I couldnt do anything without an order.
              When i told them he smoked pot, they said to not let her go see him until i go to court.
              You told them he smoked pot when all you know is that he USED to smoke pot when you were together. Unless you can show that he DOES and it is having a negative effect on the child you've no business keeping her from him. In one breath you're whining that he doesn't see her and in another you're looking for ways to restrict his access. You can't suck and blow at the same time.

              I have a single family home 30 min from ottawa with my boyfriend of 2 years, our 6 month old daughter and my 2 1/2 year old daughter.
              That's nice for you, but irrelevant.

              My boyfriend works two jobs to support, I am at home with kids and I also babysit a 3 year old little girl.
              And again....That's nice for you, but irrelevant.

              Between Rent, bills, food, tuition loan, and daily necessities,

              I am in no way capable of affording a lawyer. I need advice have an idea of what im heading for and if these factors are relevant in my case.
              You don't need a lawyer, you need your head /ass extraction.

              Stop spending so much time in your ex's business and trying to find additional ways to push him out of his child's life. You seem irritated by the fact that he has a girlfriend who cares enough to help out with the kid. Instead of trying to use it against him why not look at things from another perspective and consider that your child having more people in her life that love her is a blessing, not just a pain in your ass.
              Last edited by blinkandimgone; 07-11-2012, 02:35 PM. Reason: the voices told me to...

              Comment


              • #8
                Blink. I tried to add to your reputation for that last post but, I have to spread it around.

                Comment


                • #9
                  LOL! Well thank you, thank you very much!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
                    I called yesterday , and that is exactly what she told me! So what am I supposed to do? Let go of everything and let him pop in and out of her life like he wants to and let her get hurt by it everytime?
                    Track that which is relevant, deal with the rest and honestly, for the best interests of your children seek counseling for the majority of your problems with the other parent you are expressing on this site.

                    I am not trying to be mean. Counselling and a parenting course specifically targeted at parenting after separation or for parents who live "separate and apart" would really be a huge benefit to you. Should the other parent take you to court, the course would be only to your benefit if brought forward as evidence.

                    Seek the help you need. If you do seek counselling a psychologist/psychiatrist with a background in cognitive behaviour therapy would be whom I would say would be best based on the content posted to this site. They can give you excellent tools to deal with your "fears" and/or "worries" which are really "anxieties". Anxiety like this is very common for a parent in your situation. How you choose to address the anxiety is important for the child in the matter.

                    Good Luck!
                    Tayken

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      he would never agree to parenting courses of any sorts and we are unable to communicate whatsoever since I always to be running after him reminding that his daughter is asking about him cuz she hasnt seen him in a while....We are at each others throats right now ..i have offered a communication book so we wouldnt have to speak to each other but havent heard from him since ..

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Mica88 View Post
                        he would never agree to parenting courses of any sorts and we are unable to communicate whatsoever since I always to be running after him reminding that his daughter is asking about him cuz she hasnt seen him in a while....We are at each others throats right now ..i have offered a communication book so we wouldnt have to speak to each other but havent heard from him since ..
                        Go and do it for yourself (parenting course). Don't "worry" about *him*. You think you don't need to go to the course. Then prove me wrong and go and see what you learn from it. Parenting after separation is not a walk in the park. There are lots of things you could learn from the course. It doesn't mean *you* are a bad parent. In fact, it demonstrates you are a *good* parent by doing so.

                        Forgo the "communication book" and just use something like Tools to simplify shared child custody. - Our Family Wizard - child custody, parenting time.

                        Also, buy and read the book: "It's All Your Fault".

                        You continually project blame at HIM for the problems. What part of the problem do *you* take ownership over.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I wouldn't want to attempt to communicate with someone who wanted to dictate to me either. You make it next to impossible for him to enjoy his time with the child, rake him over the coals for the time he DOES spend with the child and then wonder why he isn't knocking down your door trying to make more arrangements with you?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Mica88:

                            Both Blink and Tayken have given you some very very good advice. I'd read their entire posts a couple times.

                            Family court during and after divorce isn't about your opinion, or how you feel, or things you think you know...its based on evidence....relevant evidence. 98% of your post is emotional hearsay and it would be completely irrelevant to any court.

                            And why are you chasing down anyone to spend time with your child? You are not the gatekeeper of parenting time or the judge of parenting quality.

                            Simply put...draft a sensible parenting agreement....stop micromanaging your ex's (and his gf's) behavior and habits...and go to court to make an agreement for how you are going to parent this child. Your ex isn't with you any more and has a right to privacy. You are wayyy over-emotionally involved here and need to work on detachment. The only parent you control is you. So your attention should be only on you being a good mom.

                            Unless this person is proveably abusive to his child, your opinion on his fathering skills are totally irrelevant. The time he spends with his child is relevant but only if you have a parenting schedule worked out and are documenting his non-visitation.

                            People "lose" in family court because they bring this type of emotional rhetoric forward in affidavits and the only person who thinks its important is them. Get an agreement, learn what constitutes evidence, collect it.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              OP: you are not hearing what you want to hear and I've been there a few times. But: you are hearing what you NEED to hear. Stick to relevant facts. Sucks to hear it but it's true. The Courts don't care what YOU "think or feel." Cold Hard Facts Baby There's Rules to this game and not playing by them can backfire in ways you can't even imagine. My ex is a total Ass/Dbag - just so you know I'm not wearing rose colored glasses. Please pay close attention to the advice you've been given, above. Good Luck.

                              Comment

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