Access vs Custody

[baileybug]

Can you go to court to just get a forced change in the residential schedule of your children? How likely is that to happen?

I'm fine with my ex and I having split custody (it's something we've informally agreed to) and decision making, but I don't feel my children are getting the best care with him. Currently we are a 50/50 schedule with lots of switches in the week. I'd like to propose he have them every other Thurs to Sun instead, but I don't think he'll willingly go for it. I absolutely wouldn't try for this if I thought my ex was meeting the children's needs properly, or the switches mid-week weren't taking a toll on them so much emotionally.

So what are my options? We're trying the medation thing right now, but both are very firm in our positions.

From what I've read here, unless my ex is killing the kids, it sounds like it would be hard to get full custody of them.

[Divorcemanagement]

Hi Baileybug:

Do you think there might be some value in suggesting family mediation so that you can both work on a co-parenting plan. As your concerns relate to the quality of care the children receive during periods of time they are with your former spouse, how would you feel about mediating a plan that deals with the actual functions of child care?

For example:

• Are there similar bed times in both homes?
• Are there similar rules?
• Are the kids doing homework in both homes?
• Are the parent's engaged in participating in the kid's homework?
• Do the kids eat the same kinds of food in both homes - or is it pizza at one parent's home and salad at the other?

If the switches are having a negative impact on the kids, is it possible to address those issues via mediation? Perhaps you could suggest that the kids receive counselling to identify the specific issues you are concerned about and then both parents could meet with the counsellor to discuss ways of supporting their needs.

If you were able to obtain agreement on a parenting plan that addressed your specific concerns relating to the quality of care, do you believe that you wouldn't need to access the courts?

[baileybug]

Sean, thanks for replying.

Basically we are in mediation for a parenting plan, but it's all for very cut and dried things. Such as when we must communicate, when we must drop the kids off, what kinds of notice we have to give to the other parent.

My ex is extremely sensitive about his parenting skills, I'm sure because he must know on some level that they are not the best. He becomes incredibly defensive about everything we discuss, and takes everything as a personal slight. The mediator has advised me to be cautious how I phrase things, but I have been "cautious" for a year now!

He doesn't feel he needs to share anything about what goes on in his home. He says it's private. So you're example questions are great, but he says they are none of my business.

I would love to mediate concerns regarding quality of care, but he becomes irate, and basically the mediator has steered us clear of that.

We are in our final sessions now and I still don't feel like my kids are getting the best care possible when in his charge. I feel like the process falsely assumes that care is equal at both homes.

Can I bring quality of care into the parenting plan?? Should I ask the mediator about this?

I have suggested counselling for the kids, but he doesn't see it as necessary.

Yes, if quality of care were included in the parenting plan, like some sort of standards, i would not feel the need to go to court at all.

[Divorcemanagement]

Hi Baileybug - I will respond to your points below.

Basically we are in mediation for a parenting plan, but it's all for very cut and dried things. Such as when we must communicate, when we must drop the kids off, what kinds of notice we have to give to the other parent.

Okay so you are talking about components that relate to the timeshare arrangement with the kids versus actual child care - this is common. Engage the mediator by suggesting, "I am wondering what kind of tools we could develop to address actual child care - maybe we could identify specific child care functions and incorporate them into a parenting plan"

My ex is extremely sensitive about his parenting skills, I'm sure because he must know on some level that they are not the best. He becomes incredibly defensive about everything we discuss, and takes everything as a personal slight. The mediator has advised me to be cautious how I phrase things, but I have been "cautious" for a year now!

Being a divorced parent is a case study in the art of diplomacy - communication skills are key in ensuring that conflict can be minimized. Your concerns about quality of child care are concerns I often see raised from primarily moms. From dad's perspective, he may not see his quality of care to be a problem at all. I posted wayyyy back about the "great Canadian Chili-Dog incident" where mom was quite prepared to go to court because dad occassionally gave the kids chili dogs for breakfast. Her values were such that chili dogs for breakfast would be inidcative of poor child care - from dad's perpective, they are food.

Mom had to learn, in this case, that the children were not put at risk and their quaility of care didn't suffer because they eat chili dogs for breakfast on occasion.

In your case, is it possible that dad's quality of care isn't bad, but rather "different" from yours? Is he putting the kids at risk? Are they failing in shcool? Those are the benchmarks that a court will look at when deciding to change a custody arrangement.

He doesn't feel he needs to share anything about what goes on in his home. He says it's private. So you're example questions are great, but he says they are none of my business.

Are you sharing what goes on in your home? Is it a one-way street coming from you? Ask him the following, "help me understand how our children benefit from not having regular meetings to discuss parenting issues". What do you think his answer will be?

I would love to mediate concerns regarding quality of care, but he becomes irate, and basically the mediator has steered us clear of that

Try making him feel like "it was his idea" or "he is in charge". For example, "John, do you think it would be a good idea to..." or "John, you could really run with this idea...".

We are in our final sessions now and I still don't feel like my kids are getting the best care possible when in his charge. I feel like the process falsely assumes that care is equal at both homes.

The system assumes that both parents are capable of providing adequate care. So as a mediator, I have to ask - what are your specific concerns about the care he provides? Perhaps I can offer insight...

Can I bring quality of care into the parenting plan?? Should I ask the mediator about this?

Back door it - in other words, "John, I am wondering what your observations might be regarding the care I am providing".

[baileybug]

Sean,

I like your idea of how to engage the mediator in child care function discussion.

Diplomacy is difficult, when communication is limited and their is an air of secrecy surrounding his house. I am ALWAYS mindful of how I phrase things, but no matter what I do, he still finds a way to make it all about my trying to control him.

As for the chili-dog incident, I did read that one. That does seem incredibly mundane. However, he is not bathing them properly or often enough. He does not make them comb their hair, wash their face, brush their teeth. When he does bathes them, it is with opposite sex, older step siblings. He believes age 5 is old enough to decide whether or not to wear summer clothes and no coat in the winter. He has trouble keeping organized when it comes to medications and creams to apply - often giving too much, or none at all. They are not failing in school, but health issues keep arising due to improper care while at his house.

It is definitely a one-way street as far as openess goes. I don't know why he wouldn't want to share what goes on with the children at his house, unless he feels he needs to hide something. We would be happy to talk about anything or answer any questions they may have about our house at anytime. We're not asking anything private - just trying to set up some consistency between the homes, for the sake of the kids.

I am sure he has no problems with the care I provide. He only is upset about my judgement of his care - which is obviously lacking. I know mother's can be pickier than dads, but he has a new wife, and I'm puzzled as to why she can't help make sure ALL the kids, including mine, are decently cared for? Her's never seem to appear lacking for proper care.

Perhaps we can add a "grooming" or "basic needs" section to the parenting plan? He would take it as an insult, but I would be incredibly relieved if there were some standards set out, as we do have very different ideas. Couldn't the mediator help with the difference of what is considered a minimum and what is being too picky?

[Divorcemanagement]

It might be better to call it "routines" - and maybe consider framing your concerns in a way that will help him feel less threatened or hostile (I know, it's not your job to take care of how he feels about you) because a mediated arrangement is far better and simpler to achieve than a litigated one.

So here is an example:

"John, help me understand how the children benefit from (insert concerns about bathing here)"

"John, help me understand how the children benefit from poor communication on our part"

"John, what kinds of things do you think we could do in both homes to (insert concern here)"

Do you see where I am going with this?