Why 'shared' custody?

[goingthruit]

Originally Posted by crispy

I believe that shared custody works, how could it be detrimental to the child if both parents are actually looking out for the best interests of the children.

That is the key. Getting both parents to think along the same lines and look out for the best interests of the kids and not drag their own hidden agenda into the equation.
My ex has changed her mind since we first discussed all this last year.
Very frustrating, but as many of you already know or will know soon, it is expected.
I am using a philosophy to try and get thruit - expect the worst and hope for the best. She has not disappointed me yet. Although I remain positive.

[rizwandar1]

I see this thread to be quite a bit decent in it's tone.

I think I am in the same shoes actually.

1 - January 2006 - Separated (One Child was 1.5 years old at that time)

2 - Continued to support the Child and Spouse throughout. Spouse does not work and continued not to work. Child went to Day Care full time but ex still did'nt work. Now child is going to school half day (Jr. KG). Starting Sept 2010 child will start going to school full time. I paid for the mortgage and condo maintainence fees + money to ex. Accumulatively around $2800 every month. I also paid the taxes for this amount through my own personal income.

3 - March 2009 - Interim Court Order: SS: $2500, CS: $900 / month

4 - Divorced in August 2009.

5 - Ex not agreeing on any terms of settlement. My income is around $100,000 per year. She is asking for me to pay:

a - $15,000 as she has accumulated debt during this time of this amount. She is referring this to unpaid spousal support.
b - $15,000 to transfer the condo onto my name (Condo if sold will have a loss of around $40,000)
c. She is asking for another 3.5 years of spousal support
d. She is asking for Sole Custody (while I would like shared custody) - I do not actually care how much she contributes into our child. I am okay to pay what ever the amount for Child Support (100% on me), and all expenses including health coverage and dental coverage + buying clothes and any other needs my daughter has without asking my ex to pay for any of that.

I think our trial is going to be set for Sept. 2010. The trial date will be set in November.

Questions:

1. She continues to live in the Condo. In the court order she agreed to pay for the mortgage and condo maintenance fees for the Condo and she continues to do so. But starting October 2009 she cannot pay for it as she is saying that she does not have any money. Due to this reason now i have to pitch in for these amounts. I have told her many times that to get rid of the Condo. As it will be a loss to sell it, I suggested to her that to transfer it to my name and i will perhaps rent it while she can move to another apartment where she does not have to pay less for the rent.

I have never lived in this condo. We got the condo after separation at a point when there was a possibility of reconciliation for a week or two. Did this mistake and now .. well you know what now !.

I may be bringing in an urgent motion next month for this purpose. She has been paying for the Condo finances throughout.

1. If we sell it there will be a debt. Will it be divided equally? Even though since March 2009 she is by court order paying for the condo financial obligations through her SS and CS, even though the condo is on both our names.

2. In case the court orders to sell it - i want to ask the court that if she continues to live in the condo that she pays for all condo obligations.

3. In case the court orders to sell it - and she decides to move out, i want to ask the court that she should at least pay 50% of the the obligations till the condo is sold.

Note: I even offered to her that if she transfers the condo onto my name I will give her the first month, last month rent for her new place and even give her $15,000 (but then she started asking for another $15,000 for unpaid SS - which i dont think is justifiable as i have been paying her quite a bit prior to the court order). She did not agree on it. I think she is doing a mistake and forcing me to go to court as I dont think otherwise I will get any resolution. I feel she really makes me feel guilty when she tells me that I am trying to throw her and my daughter out of the condo. Which makes me remorseful and guilty to take the court action - but i cannot do anything else now and i have to take this action as I do not have the money myself to live.

I have a legal counsel. But well he is a busy man and i have prepared most of the conference briefs etc for him to save money.

[Edward]

My W had agreed to shared custody until she learned from her lawyer about CS in such situation.

[Edward]

Originally Posted by goingthruit

I am using a philosophy to try and get thruit - expect the worst and hope for the best.

I like the one "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst".

[sueb]

Originally Posted by today

Regardless of who PG was during marriage it should not make a difference at divorce. Most agree you don't divorce the children only the other parent, if you follow this logic then whoever spent more time with child becomes unimportant or so it should. Of course it is not viewed this way...yet..

Part of having a family (or so I had hoped) is sharing the responsibility of being a caregiver and spouse. Sometimes, it does matter, it makes a difference. If you are a stay at home mom - clearly you are the PG, and in divorce perhaps it is said you should still be, but it is not by any fault of the working husband/dad.

In my case, I am still coming to terms with my situation. Both of us work equally, outside the home. At home, when it comes to parenting I feel like I do all the work and he has all the fun! If I could remember the last time he bathed or brushed her teeth, maybe I wouldn't feel this way...or the last time he got up with her in the middle of the night. This makes me think, in a divorce, it would be in her best interest to be with me "primarily" The person she has learned to count on, to run to. If he chooses to not do this in marriage, why would he fight to do it in divorce? Maybe if he fought to do it now, we wouldn't need to separate...just maybe. This really turned in to a pity party I think. Sorry!

[blinkandimgone]

When you were married did you ever go away for a night, weekend or any other trip? Do you think that he didn't bathe and dress the children, have them brush their teeth and cook them meals? I suspect he did, you just weren't there to see it.

People get trained by the people in their lives to do certain things. For example:

Sammy asks John to take out the garbage, John doesn't get up and do it right away but plans to do it later. Sammy gets frustrated and does it himself. Johnny sees no reason to get up as it's already done. Next time Sammy asks John to take out the garbage John doesn't bother planning to do it because he knows Sammy will do it. Sammy takes out the garbage, again. Sammy stops asking John to take out the garbage and does it himself because he knows he will end up doing it himself anyways, John is unaware since Sammy didn't ask. Sammy resents John for not taking out the garbage, John has no idea because Sammy didn't ask. Sammy is frustrated with John for not contributing more, John is frustrated with Sammy for expecting him to be a mind-reader.

Chances are pretty good that when you weren't around to do 'everything', your 'John' actually did those things.

Part of having a family (or so I had hoped) is sharing the responsibility of being a caregiver and spouse.

Did you just hope it would happen naturally or did the two of you sit down and communicate what that meant to each of you?