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Political Issues This forum is for discussing the political aspects of divorce: reform to divorce laws, men's rights, women's rights, injustices in the divorce system, etc.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 04-26-2006, 10:36 AM
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Actually nesting can work but holy crap, both parents need to have all of the outstanding issues that are not child related resolved and it needs to be governed by an exceptional co-parenting plan.

It's a neat concept that is being considered more and more by parents experiencing divorce.
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Old 04-26-2006, 01:02 PM
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I have so many opinions on this subject I could go on for ever, but I won't. Fisrt and most important there are professional opinions on both isdes of this subject, depending which one you prefer yo will find back up.

I can attest that a week to week regime has worked out extremely well for me, my children and ex. There are several important factors, most important we live 5 minutes from each other, this allows the children all the obvious advantages.

Under normal circumstances I have yet to hear a valid argument against this. The child has the right to both parents...... the child has a right to both parents..... This is an absolute right. I'm always confused when one parent feels they have a right to limit time to the other parent.

Obviously it must be as least disruptive to the child as possible. It is the parents resonsibilty to make the sacrifises and meet each other half way to make this happen in a proper manner. Children have a right to be with thier parnets even if others may percieve them as an idot/jerk or what ever name you chose.

The way I see it is far too often a case of one parent wanting to maintain control and of course the money, money, money..........so called child support.
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Old 04-26-2006, 01:12 PM
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So if the parents live - say 1 hour away from each other and they switch every three days - that would be hell on the kids. Do they have friends at both places? Do they have to wake up at really drastically different times to get to school ( considering it would take an hour to get to school) Do they get to take things like swimming lessons and music lessons since who knows what day they are where? Do the kids get to accept invites to parties not really knowing where they will be on what day. Will they be in one neighbourhood or the other.

It doesn't always have to do with money! Kids need consistency - and going back and forth sometimes doesn't give that to them. The best solution is for each parent to live close to the child and school. The child knows where she/he will be on what day or it doesn't matter because the consistency is there.
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Old 04-26-2006, 03:14 PM
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I wonder how many parents are going to step forward and give up there 50% time. As well, would your child be satisfied with seeing you 1 or 2 days a month?

I think it is easy to say these schedules don't work as long as you are the one ending up with the child 90% of the time.

Personally week on/week off is the best solution schedule-wise. Otherwise the back-and-forth is too chaotic. And being close together is ideal - but not always a factor.

No matter what the schedule or proximity, the way you treat the child and the other parent is paramount. Totally and completely no interference regarding family events, social gatherings, lessons, practices, birthdays, special days, and other day-to-day and normal life occurances for the child. No blocking school issues, party invites, reports, school photographs, notes, cup cake days, field trips, etc. And on and on. It is stuff like that that will destory a kid and their relationship with their parents more than time spent at each house or neighbourhood, including different rules.

Finally. Listen to your child. Even at a very young age they have vaild wishes, concerns, fears and hopes. Nothing like seeing your child dragged from your house kicking and screaming yelling DAD! just to satistify a stupid schedule. God help us all.
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Old 04-26-2006, 04:01 PM
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but of course if it was "mom" the child was screaming as he was being dragged out of her house it would be parent alienation of course .....
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Old 04-26-2006, 04:24 PM
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sheesh... I give up.
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Old 04-26-2006, 07:59 PM
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Actually, as my children were being dragged out of the house, my children said neither daddy or mommy ... but Hubby! My wife was totally lost!

Hubby
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Old 04-27-2006, 12:53 AM
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I see both sides of this issue, I really do.

If both parents can be reasonable and mature, and co-parent responsibly, the development of the children will reflect that.

Children are by nature resilient - and malleable. Too many parents are vindictive and vicious, and seem to forget that popular phrase 'the best interests of the child'

It's a crying shame, and anyone who can't admit it has their head planted so deep in the sand they may never see the light of day again.

If you want 50/50 to work, it will. If you don't, it will not. If you are the type of parent who doesn't provide structure and direction for your children, and assure them that YOU will make the effort, and that this WILL work, then you will likely have unhappy, unsettled children.

In the end, Dads are parents too, and any child who has a dad that wants 50/50 is a very lucky child.
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Old 04-27-2006, 04:02 AM
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Yeah, children are resilient.. does that mean we should seek to put them through the wringer to make damn sure the parents' "rights" are covered? Let's just see how far we can screw with their heads and they still come out alright? No. I don't think so.

For all the parents who are currently doing the 50/50 "split" of their children and hustling them back and forth from one household to the next 4-8 times per month, although I think they may well believe they're doing well, it's a bit premature to decide the whole process is a success, IMO. I'm in my early 30's, and only just since I've had kids have I really realized the impact some of the choices my parents made has had on me. I'm NOT one of those people who blames all their problems on their childhood; I think my parents were very dedicated and wonderful to myself and my brother. Now that I'm a parent, though, I've realized that there were a few things that maybe weren't the best choices. Things that were major parenting choices, and while I know they thought they were doing right, have had a long-term impact that my parents just didn't anticipate. So how can any of us KNOW that whatever we're doing is working well for our kids?

What we DO know, is that kids NEED consistency and security. Oh sure, Mom and Dad can agree on rules from one house to the next, etc., but it's always a different life from one house to the next; we all know that, right? Hell, even looking back at my childhood, there was a different dynamic when just Mom was there, as opposed to Dad and Mom. We knew we could get away with crap for a lot longer with Mom, even though she expressed her frustration a lot more than Dad. With Dad, he just had to give us "the look", and we knew we were pushing it too far, and better knock it off. So what would it have been like if we'd had two different households to deal with? Particularily if we were back and forth like the ball on a ping pong table?

Seems to me that if consistency and stability is a major need for children, then that's what we need to strive to provide them with. "Sharing" the kids on a 50/50 basis (or close to it), is all about the parents exercising THEIR "rights", IMO; not about the kids' right to security and stability.

Think of it another way. For those of you whose parents were together throughout your childhood. You visited Grandma and Grandpa from time to time, right? Maybe even frequently. But if you were with your parents at your home from mon-wed, then at Grandma's from wed-sat, then back at your home sun-tues, then back at Grandma's..............................

Doesn't seem to me to be a good way to create a solid foundation for security for children.
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Old 04-27-2006, 04:40 AM
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Decent Dad, look at your statements here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Decent Dad
I wonder how many parents are going to step forward and give up there 50% time...
...I think it is easy to say these schedules don't work as long as you are the one ending up with the child 90% of the time...
Now tell me how those reflect a child-centered approach? How many parents will give up THEIR 50% of the time?? Easy to say this doesn't work if YOU'RE the one with 90% of the kids' time??

Yeah, children have a right to both parents. And in a perfect world, children also have the right to a happy, "Leave it to Beaver" home. The trouble is that as divorcing parents, we've all failed to provide that, haven't we? This isn't a question of which spouse is at fault; at least, not for the kids. You think they give a damn whether Mommy did (blank) to screw up the marriage, or Daddy did (blank) to ruin things? Nope. They don't care who did what to whom.. all they know is that they have a broken family. So why the hell would parents think the best solution at that point is to have the kid run between two lives and houses several times a month?

We KNOW that kids really NEED stability, security and routine. That's a given, right? So it seems to me that the only reason parents would actively choose to deliberately chop up a kiddo's home life into 'separate and equal' parts is if they're accomodating their own agenda over their childrens' best interests... and today's society says they're doing the right thing.

After all, if it was just fine for kids to move from home to home, lifestyle to lifestyle, several times a month, why didn't your parents have Grandma and Grandpa raise you for 15 days of the month? What the hell.. they're not doing squat anyway, and they've got lots of experience.. why not?

Last edited by sasha1; 04-27-2006 at 04:45 AM.
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