Spousal Support - Why It Matters

[beltane]

Originally Posted by Divorcemanagement

I should ask you, Beltane - what specifically can I do that will help you feel better about this issue?

*sigh* Nothing Sean... I suppose I was just hoping for a clear cut "yes, I DO believe spousal support IS free money" or "no, I regret those words I chose. I do not consider spousal support to be free money".

To me, your responses still seem to cleverly dance around my original concerns without cutting to the chase. I tend to be a woman of succinct words.

I suppose it is a "paradigm" thing.

Oh well... (and not directed at you or Jeff or any other gentleman here in the forum, just my feelings) because of the 'atmosphere' and discussions of the last few days here in this forum, I am more relieved than ever to have a female lawyer.

...again, most likely a paradigm thing...

[Divorcemanagement]

Everyone communicates ideas and interprets those ideas differently. For what it's worth, I think my posting at the start of this thread explains my belief system as it relates to spousal support. I am sorry that you didn't like my response or you felt that I danced around the issue - some people view spousal support as an automatic right, some view it as a punitive measure; some view it as compensation; and others believe it isn't necessary at all - I guess this is why there is so much litigation on the issue and I suspect it is one of the chief reasons that Rollie Thompson and others drafted the spousal support guidelines - an attempt to create a better framework for addressing the issue.

As I implied earlier - how do you put a financial value on a stay-at-home parent when it is so much more than unpaid household labour?

I think that a female lawyer is a good thing if you believe that she will better understand your feelings and experiences as it relates to your marriage and your divorce dispute. But go with God on this one - your female lawyer may validate a lot of what you are feeling and may very well give you exceptional legal representation, but if you wind up in court you might find that the experience of litigation is about as disempowering as you can get. Remember that nobody ever gets 100% of what they want when they litigate. If you get a chance to sit in on some family law hearings, it will help you immensely. Your first time in court should never be your first time in court.

[hubby]

It simply amazes me at times how some people can take offence to anothers remarks, while others, see nothing wrong with it.

A few days ago, I'm having coffee with a girl friend (not girlfriend ok!) and I had used the word 'pain' during our conversation. She gets back to work, emails me and is somewhat distured that I had used the word pain -- 'frustrated' was more the word she was looking for. Sheez!

Forgive me, this spiritual being is living as a human being -- and yes, sometimes -- can use words that may be seen as inappropriate in use or taken out of context -- after all, we are just human beings!

Let's remember to be easy on our brothers and sisters in pain! I'm mean frustration! Oh, I don't know what I mean!

Hubby

[logicalvelocity]

At times a person may say one thing, but mean another. This is where ones demeanor, body language facial expressions etc are significant.

[Jeff]

Originally Posted by logicalvelocity

At times a person may say one thing, but mean another. This is where ones demeanor, body language facial expressions etc are significant.

And you can't see those things on a forum...

[alreadydid3]

This discussion makes me a little sad.
This is my case and I would really like to know what people think so...

I've had panic attacks since I was very young. These were so traumatic that I vividly remember the feelings to this day of attacks from four or five years of age. I learned to deal with them as I grew up and kept them under control.

I married young and within two weeks of our second son's birth I walked in to find my husband with another man. It was more than shock. We live in a very small community and he decided to come out of the closet and then leave me to deal with it. We never received one penny of the child support he was supposed to pay. I took odd jobs... telephone sales, strawberry picking, cleaning horse stalls, chicken handling... anything that would allow me the freedom to come and go when I needed to.

Between trying to cope with panic attacks and how my marriage ended plus raising two little boys on my own... I was pretty messed up. Ended up in a relationship with a neighbour which lasted two years and when I found out I was pregnant again he just walked away. I was already raising two on my own so figured there was no point in trying to make another man who wanted nothing to do with his child support her.

By the time our daughter was three I thought I was going nuts.... was at the point where I couldn't even look out of the window without going through a panic attack. It took the housing manager to come and make me visit his doctor so I could get help. Just having the doctor tell me that this was a real condition and I wasn't alone helped... calmed me down... took the fear of that away. I went on. I refused medication because I was all my kids had and I heard too many horror stories. I learned to meditate to relieve the stress and I made myself go out and do things every day. I even dated again but ended up with a guy who thought women were punching bags... gave that up real quick.

By the time the kids were 11, 9, & 6 I had a great routine and life going. We had been able to buy and fix up a reliable car and I had them all in sports, etc.... was trying to give them as normal a life as I could. I even went back to school. Figured I could get my diploma and then taking writing courses. At that point I knew I wasn't cut out for the outside world but I had to do something so I thought I could open a home daycare and write (my true love) on the side.

When my daughter was eight years old her father called and wanted to see her. I was thrilled for her but he ended up coming and spending time with all of us. He kept asking me to give him a chance, trust him, blah, blah...
I told him about everything we had been through and he already knew about my panic attacks, etc. None of this was a problem to him.. said he made excellent money and whether I stayed home, or stayed in school, or whatever I did was fine with him. He promised that all I had to do was trust him and if anything should happen he would make sure that everything we had would go to myself and my daughter and he'd make sure we always had what we needed ... said he owed me that promise for not being there or helping with our daughter for eight years.

Eventually I did trust him but I also stayed in school. When we got together neither of us owned anything other than our respective cars and I had a small amount of money put away for my kids college funds. Shortly after we were together I found out that he hadn't seen his son from a previous marriage in two or three years because he hadn't paid his support and was hiding from them. He was a truck driver and had lost his license for drinking and driving so had been out of work... had only gotten his license back and found employment shortly before calling to see our daughter. I took the money from the kids college funds and paid all of the support he owed and within a few weeks his son was coming to visit. Next thing I knew... without anyone asking me... his son was moving in with us. His son was a great kid but used to living in the country and the freedom was a little much for him... three teenaged boys was a little much for me as well. His son had been identified at a younger age and was supposed to be in special classes but we weren't made aware of this. Problems started and the school was constantly calling. His father "couldn't deal with it" so I all of this fell to me. He was a book he carried to each class and the teacher would fill in how his day went and what was expected as homework. The boy didn't sit and concentrate unless I was right there with him so I spent two hours every night going through his homework with him. Soon it was pretending to get on the school bus but going in the house as soon as I left for my classes. Between running back and forth between school for him and making sure he was on the bus and just the every day detail... I was drained... didn't even have anything left, emotionally, physically, mentally, for my own three kids. I ended up having to leave school since I was forever called out anyway.

A lot happened in between... we bought a house.... I took up babysitting and even worked in the factory until I broke my foot and my ex didn't want me going back.

So then... ten years later an ex-girlfriend starts phoning and right on my 41st birthday my husband walks in, hands me a present, and says he's leaving. We hadn't even had so much as an argument in five years.... there was nothing leading up to it.

Tell me... do I deserve support?

[Divorcemanagement]

It sounds to me that you are deserving of spousal support and moral support. I have heard similar stories over the years, it is never pleasant and it never involves a happy ending.

Hang in there and be well.

[alreadydid3]

Thank you... the advice I get is that I should apply for welfare... and if you read my other message in divorce support "does talking help?" you'll see that I can't get much lower in the self esteem department anyway.

[workingthruit]

Originally Posted by alreadydid3

Thank you... the advice I get is that I should apply for welfare... and if you read my other message in divorce support "does talking help?" you'll see that I can't get much lower in the self esteem department anyway.

I would suggest that you reach out to social services in your community - they can help you obtain the child support you are definately entitled too - they can also help you get whatever else (spousal support, education assistance, etc) it takes you to get in a more financially viable situation.

Hang in there - it's always darkest before the dawn - you are not alone.

[alreadydid3]

He was ordered to pay spousal support but he quit paying instead of having it reviewed as the lawyer advised me he had to do. Our daughter is 19 and was attending college... she is a beautiful artist... her father pulled the funds half way through term and she had to leave school. All I wanted is a better life for her. I already used the money I had put aside for my kids to attend college... all to support the family when my ex couldn't and to pay the support he was in arrears for when we were first together.