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Political Issues This forum is for discussing the political aspects of divorce: reform to divorce laws, men's rights, women's rights, injustices in the divorce system, etc.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 12-31-2014, 03:56 PM
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Hi I'm new here.

This is my situation in a nutshell:

1. Was happily married to husband (who I knew since kindergarten) x 16 years until he suffered irreversable brain damage in a motorcycle accident.
(He was in a coma for a month).

2. Motorcycle accident resulted in extreme personality change, violence towards myself and our three children. Medication helps slighlty but he does not think he needs it and will not take it. Has started drinking heavily and does not seem to be able to control it.

3. Since the accident has been charged with assault x 4, DUI x 2, uttering death threats to myself and all three children, assault with a weapon, break and enter, and mischief. Yes some of the charges were against the children. CAS is involved.

4. I left him when he assaulted our children. He has no memory of doing so. He is no longer the man I married and fell in love with. He can not help himself but he also refuses any and all help offered to him. He s a danger to himself and others.

4. He has strictly supervised access at the CAS access centre and refuses to go. Has hired a lawyer to fight for unsuipervised access and full custody.

5. He has severe memory problems and impaired judgement. Can not remember one day to the other. His actions have become more and more bizarre. The children are terrified of him and having nightmares.

6. He has drained our bank accounts. Is no longer able to work as a teacher and is embrioled in a personal injury lawsuit. He lives with his father who is financing his lawyer for him.

7. He has recently broken into our house and breached his bail conditions.

8. I am off work on stress leave and have spent my life savings on a lawyer. I have no more money so I will now have to represent myself.

9. My ex is on his 5th lawyer.

10. There are medical reports galore from multiple health care professionals documenting his medical and cognitive problems. It is obscene, given the evidence I have that this even has to go to court and keep going to court!

Despite all of this evidence the family court system is allowing him to run unchecked with no controls. He dragged me to court in excess of 16 times last year alone. He does not know what he is doing and his lawyer is taking advantage of him (which I am powerless to help him with ).

When I did have a lawyer she would just shrug and tell me it would all get sorted out in my settlement. She however was not willing to defer getting paid until this magical "settlement" occured.

All I want is for this to end and for the children and I to come through this with our lives. Yes with our lives!
(Access is a mute point if he carries through on his threats). The judges need to get it through their heads that safety comes BEFORE access. It is in the best interests of the children to be alive versus dead. Yes they should see their father if at all possible but only if their safety can be the number one priority. I want us to live through this ugly process. Anything else is gravey.

If the judges would only put a stop to this behaviour then even without child support, spousal support or a penny from any mystical "settlement" I would be able to support the kids and myself on my own.

I do not believe it is the courts manadate to destroy families or further traumatize children. That being said, the court system is however very much responsible for the aforememtioned. They have unintenionally but nonetheless turned a tragic situation into a travesty of justice to each and every member of my family; including my ex, myself and most especially my children.

Shame on the family court system!
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Old 12-31-2014, 04:18 PM
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Why isn't a children's lawyer involved?

I'm of the opinion if your husband were as much a threat to your children as you portray someone would see that and intervene....I mean many father's who are able bodied and able minded have been denied or limited access to their children for far less...

With that said he has the right to pursue unresolved matters in court. 16 times isn't that out of the ordinary given the rest of the forum members' experiences.

Sounds like the system IS working. He has supervised access to protect the children but still ensure they have a father.

As for his dad financing his 5th lawyer - he wasn't in the bike accident too was he? I point this out because by the way you paint the picture - everyone is wrong and making bad decisions but you. And while it is possible, it's not likely....I'm willing to bet this isn't an ideal or easy situation at all. But I think your lawyer is right, this will get settled eventually. What more can they do right now to protect your kids with supervised access?
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Old 12-31-2014, 04:24 PM
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Well I cannot imagine what you have been through. Of course it goes without saying that you have a restraining order against him (with police enforcement)? Your local police detachment can and will help you with this if you do not have it in place.

One would think that if he was charged with uttering threats against you and your children he would not be successful in his attempts to gain unsupervised access now (or any time in the foreseeable future).

Insofar as being dragged to court repeatedly. There is little you can do to stop this without getting the court to declare his endless attempts as "Vexatious Litigation" (you can read information online about this). In doing this he would have to get leave/permission from the court each and every time he files a Notice of Motion.

Yes there are many lawyers out there who will represent him until his money runs out. Unless you get the court to label him as a vexatious litigant then he will continue to drag you to court even if he doesn't have a lawyer. I have personal experience with a litigation-happy ex.

Don't despair about being self-represented. Sometimes this works out better for people than when they were represented by counsel. Many people on this forum are self-represented and can offer excellent advice. The court/document process can be quite daunting but if you are willing to educate yourself you will be okay.

Have you seen if you qualify for any sort of legal aid?
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Old 12-31-2014, 04:36 PM
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After reading your story, I hope that you have a restraining order against him? Also have you pressed charges and testified in criminal court concerning your Ex's uttering threats, breaking and entering, assault ect?

If your Ex has a criminal conviction and has violated his bail conditions - did you press charges and if yes, why is he not in jail? There are details to your post that I do not understand.
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Old 12-31-2014, 05:36 PM
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OCL was ordered then cancelled and intensive parenting assesment for both parents ordered. He has thus far refused to co-operate and will most likely therfor not get unsupervised access in the foreseeable future.

I suppose the court system is working in that regards to the extent that it can. One of the judges commented on how he searched high and low in my materials to see if at any point I said he should not see the kids or that they no longer wanted to see them. Apparantly it was significant that all my materials were consistent in that he should see them but ensure they were safe. My lawyer had explained that in the high conflict cases 1 out of 10 actually pose a real threat to the kids and this is one way for the judge to help determine that.

His father was not in the accident himself and does not want to believe the change in his son (its too horrific to contemplate) and is being supportive to him as a father should be. His father is paying for his lawyer . I am glad he has somebody he can turn to.

His lawyers have been escalating the situation which is making things far worse than they need to be.

The kids are all in councelling.

The court system is all we have and is better than nothing but it is far too slow and difficult to navigate.

There currently is a restraining order in place but the reality is its only a piece of paper. Criminal court is not the answer for him and no he does not belong in jail. He does not realize what he has done because he's not all there. He is going through court diversion at present. What he needs is a capacity assessment, to be deemed incompetent and have a responsible power of attorney appointed for him. He has also been diagnosed with early dementia and personality change, aggressive subtype due to brain injury.

I tell the children that daddy still loves them he just got hurt on the motorcycle and now gets angry because of his injury not because of them.
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Old 12-31-2014, 05:50 PM
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Serene:

I do not mean to portray that everyone is wrong except for me. That is not the case. THis is a horrible situation with the children's safety at stake. The safety of the children must be balanced with their right to an ongoing relationship with their father. He was a good father in the past and still is at heart. Only now he has explosive episodes and poor judgement which must be taken into consideration and the court is doing so.

I am by no means always right and have made many mistakes along the way and will continue to do so I'm sure. The court process is far too slow which in and of itself causes situations to escalate and the stakes are frightening.

THe stress of this situation had caused me to have cardiac problems and I'm sure its been equally hell for my ex. I am not the enemy. He is not the enemy. THe situation is the enemy. THe longer it goes on, the more damage is done.
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Old 12-31-2014, 05:59 PM
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Hmm family lawyers tagging on the tail of the "spoils" from injury lawyer? I thought I'd heard it all.

I do sympathize with what you are going through and hope you manage to get some sort of case management judge. If your ex has taken you to court 16 x last year then is it safe to assume that these 16 times have been with different judges?

How long has it been since the accident?
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Old 12-31-2014, 06:22 PM
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Actually he is due to get a large settlement from his personal injury claim in January and his newest family lawyer is the worst one yet. THis lawyer doesn't even try to have my ex's affidavits contain anything remotely sensible. He doesn't try to talk any sense into him and that's probably why he hasn't been fired yet like the others. I think this lawyer's middle name is "cha...ching..."
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Old 12-31-2014, 06:59 PM
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Do not think for a minute that your ex's family lawyer isn't aware of the injury lawyer's pending settlement. If your ex was just like any other "joe" (I believe you mentioned he was a teacher?) there would likely be less attendances at court. Yes it's sickening. The family lawyers will do their utmost to convince your ex of anything he wants to hear and will be well paid for it. Yes you are in quite a precarious situation indeed.

With this in mind I think it is really important to get a case management justice on your case. What province are you from? There is a wealth of information from posters on this site. I am from Alberta and can only advise you on how best to proceed in Alberta (based on my own experience). In Alberta you have to apply for a case management judge.
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Old 12-31-2014, 09:21 PM
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But how is the children's safety at stake when he has supervised access? Maybe I'm missing something.... I realize this isn't ideal at all. But if access is at a supervised facility, then I don't see any other option but no access....
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