New Wives Love to Whine!

[got2bkid]

Singledad,

Very interesting post. Our situations are completely different, but there is one common thread in them, the ex-wife not having a job, and using that as an excuse to not pay her share and consequently taking a higher percentage of money from their exes earnings. From my experience a man who doesn't have a job is seen as a deadbeat loser, not so a woman.

You are divorced from her, but she is still married to you financially, as long as you are paying her.

Which brings up another observation. A man who pays CS will pay more over the years as he gets raises, bonuses etc., or less (if possible) when falling on hard times, so the husband and his exes finances are linked.

In reality there is a pool of money being split between ex-husband and ex-wife which changes over the course of time. If the ex-wife has new children, that "pool" of money is split between ALL her children, with the "first" child getting a smaller portion as a result of having siblings. Not so if the husband has kids, his money is not "allowed" to be shared equitably between all his children.

In essence "second" kids are, by the nature of how the Guidelines work, subjected to different standards if they live in the CP's home or the NCP's home.

Billm - Your posts are excellent and I see the intended recipient has not answered your question!

[representingself]

Please allow me a short break so I can "educate" myself...

I think I need more information about this.

[first timer]

My husband's ex asks me via email if I can provide after school care when her and my husband are attending court. I said yes because I put our kids first. I may not have given birth to them but they are half of their father who I love tremendously so why would I not love them and help their mother out anyway I can, especially when she asks me. I don't feel that I am any less a part of this family because I am wife number 2. To my husband I am number 1.

[first timer]

I earn more than my husband. Is it fair that because I got an education and established a career long before I met him that I should have to give my earnings to his first wife who is not willing to earn an income of her own to provide for her own children and herself? Is that what feminism has come to in our society? Does this make me a whiney 2nd wife? Yes I knew my husband's history before I fell in love with him but unfortunately I did not interview his ex-wife to find out her history. If I had I would have found out that she does not take responsibility for anything in her life not the least for her own circumstances. It is always someone else's fault and responsibility to fix. We want to be treated equally in the eyes of society. For me this just means I as the first wife want to equally take your 2nd wife's earnings as well as my ex husband's.

[WorriedDad]

Originally Posted by representingself

You damn well knew he had kids and an a previous family when you hooked up/married the guy.

Did you think that you were so special that your love would magically erase his obligations?

I haven't seen a single post that claims that, I have seen several that claim the CS laws are terribly biased, and they are.

Originally Posted by representingself

You knew how old his kids were when you decided to get pregnant.

Did you believe your new child was more important than his first child?

Are you claiming they should be less important?

Originally Posted by representingself

If you new children are suffering, the law allows for his obligations to his other children be taken into consideration, so get a Lawyer and file a Motion to Vary.

Really? Where does the law take this into consideration? Take a look at the rules again.

Originally Posted by representingself

Ohhh, and when he leaves you and your new children for his office assistant, don't you dare demand fairness when he tries to reduce YOUR support, so he can provide for his new wife/child!

Wow what a terribly sexist comment. I say that because the blatant implication here is that the husband left the poor first wife due to an affair with the new second wife. Comments like this are insulting, and extremely sexist. You are implying (intentionally or not) that men are to blame for marriage break ups. There are many things I could say to this, but most I would not due to common decency.

I did not leave my wife due to an affair I had. I won't say it was all her fault, but I will say that she moved out of our matrimonial home and straight into another mans apartment.

Your whole argument is biased and insulting. Basically you are claiming that because I have a daughter with my first wife that if I decide to have another child with someone else then that child should always come second?

[representingself]

What I was saying was in regards to my ex's new spouse......

She sits on her chubby butt, collecting child support for her two children from her previous relationship, and yet when I ask her "new husband" to support his child....

I am demonized, belittled and threatened for doing so. I am accused of being GREEDY, and GOLD DIGGING...."bleeding 'the wallet' dry... it goes on and on and on.

She feels that HER two kids are being disregarded by the "system", because of her new husbands' financial obligations to his FIRST AND ONLY CHILD.

Then 'they' get pregnant and attack me... the kid hasn't even been born yet. THEY made the decision to add to their family...so why should our child do with less for a decision that 'they' made?

So I am money hungry and greedy, yet it is perfectly OK when she cashes the cheques that her ex husband provideds to HER in child support????

So yeah... that was my rant. Take it for what it was... or don't.

[WorriedDad]

Understandable why you would feel put upon. But the fact is you weren't speaking to your scenario in your original post (at least not in your wording), you were speaking in generalizations (even if you were intending it to be a rant only to your ex's new wife). Any time you generalize like that you are going to anger a lot of people. You see the system is broken, and people on all sides of the fence have been demonized.

[representingself]

I agree completely....this was one of my very first posts, and I have tried to change the demeanor of my posts as time passes. My blubbering at the time was emotionally charged.

I realize my errors in making such inappropriate generalizations, and if my comments offended anyone, I apologize.

My banter with billm was due to him and I disagreeing on many other issues/posts...

I am only here to gain insight where I need it, and offer advice and assistance when I can.

[#1StepMom]

Thanks for the clarification, Representing. :-)

Originally Posted by first timer

I earn more than my husband. Is it fair that because I got an education and established a career long before I met him that I should have to give my earnings to his first wife who is not willing to earn an income of her own to provide for her own children and herself? Is that what feminism has come to in our society? Does this make me a whiney 2nd wife? Yes I knew my husband's history before I fell in love with him but unfortunately I did not interview his ex-wife to find out her history. If I had I would have found out that she does not take responsibility for anything in her life not the least for her own circumstances. It is always someone else's fault and responsibility to fix. We want to be treated equally in the eyes of society. For me this just means "I as the first wife want to equally take your 2nd wife's earnings as well as my ex husband's."

Wow... so I see that I'm not the only one in this very frightening situation. I'm sorry to read that you're going through the same thing I am, first timer. And what's really frightening is that this senario you described: "I as the first wife want to equally take your 2nd wife's earnings as well as my ex husband's" seems somewhat plausible! What's even more frightening is that in my personal situation, there is no 1st or 2nd wife... *I* am my husband's first wife. His only obligation is to the child he unknowingly/unintentionally created one night in college. Yet the mother of his child thinks she is entitled to everything - my earnings included. (Not to mention running to me for advice/favours whenever she needs it, asking me to take care of the child when she will not and my husband cannot, etc.)

And to clarify... I have absolutely NO problem with my husband paying a FAIR amount of child support as determined by the GUIDELINES and HIS actual income.

What I am against is increasing his child support because *I* - his wife - earn an "above-average" income and am capable of supporting the both of us on my income (though barely, if we want to eat Mr. Noodles every meal of every day)... increasing his child support based on the salary of a job he obtained only a few days back without taking into consideration the 5-6 months he was unemployed during the long wait for his court date... and other such shananagans, if you know what I mean.

From my personal experience... it seems some judges act so much "in the best interest of the child" that they forget that running the child's dad (or paying parent) into bankruptcy or homelessness is really NOT in the child's best interest.

Just my 2 cents.

And for the record... I'm not whining... I'm just trying to help my husband fight for what is fair and what is right. :-)

[got2bkid]

Yup #1stepmom and First timer,

It seems that the laws are skewed to benefit the custodial parents, not the children. I mean if the child has to sleep on the floor at dads, and has a nice big room at moms, it seems to me only the CP is benefitting here, not the child.

I personally DO have a problem paying the guideline amount. WHY you ask? Because the guideline amount is just the start, it is too high to be a reasonable amount plus after paying the guideline amount PLUS extras, it is over 50% of most NCP's income. I don't think the amounts are at all reasonable for the NCP to be paying.

Isn't there a saying that people should "pay themselves first" to try and save money, and the amount is usually given as "try to save 10% of your pay". Somehow, miraculously, they expect NCP's to suddenly live on 50% of their pay.

And then when the child turns 18 he is expected to have "savings" in order to contribute to University AND keep paying CS to mom (in many cases). Aboslutely absurd, how in the last 18 years would ANY NCP be able to have saved money?!

And if the CP needs CS to "maintain the home" when the kids are at college and visit on weekends and holdidays, shouldn't the NCP be paid as well, as he has been maintaining a home in the exact same manner (for visits and holidays) since the split up?! This to me makes it abundantly clear the money is more for the CP than the child. I know this isn't "politically correct" to say, but I am tired of NCP's getting the shaft in every way possible.

As soon as more women become the NCP's and start paying CS, extras and SS based on the Guidelines, only then will you see the guidelines change to be more equitable to BOTH parents. Feminist organizations won't go for women being shafted like that.