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Political Issues This forum is for discussing the political aspects of divorce: reform to divorce laws, men's rights, women's rights, injustices in the divorce system, etc.

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  #131 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2017, 09:47 AM
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My father worked on the road two weeks at a time throughout my child hood. We saw him about four days a month unless he was stationed at head office for longer. 50:50 never would have worked and since he paid cs as my mother was a stay at home mom, there was no chance.

For my partner, his ex bad mouthed him to their small community and he was confronted by people everywhere he went. He was suffering ptsd and on the verge of a mental breakdown. Yes he was wrong to not go for it but as his parents tell me, he was suicidal at that point. He never would have survived a CAS/OCL investigation even if he had the money to fight it.

50:50 should be a starting point with teeth to prevent one parent from pulling stunts to get what they want. Parents who unable physically and emotionally at the time of divorce should also be provided with a reprieve to get help and then a custody review following that. If my partner had the ability to get help and not be faced with bs from people in the community, he would have been able to get 50:50 and not have to kill himself to get there.

How does it serve the kids when one parent feels they are better off to their kids dead than alive?
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  #132 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2017, 10:01 AM
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So what? Why take it so personally that you have to post over and over again the same thing? Why do you care what her reasons are?

LF, how is it you can post so frequently and at such great length (and with case law) during the day when you are supposed to be working with children?? There aren't enough breaks and lunches for all your posts. Wasting those tax dollars??

Ange, my advice is to just ignore them now. You've made your points in a clear, conscise way. You have not responded to their beating a dead horse with anger or accusations. It is okay to step back and not use your day to defend your life and your choices.

Finally, in my case, ex never one time requested 50/50. Never. He and his high priced lawyer were quite happy to have him be a EOW Dad.

I wonder what is more common, parents who try to keep the children so they can keep C/S or parents who don't see their children often or enough, demonstrating very little commitment to the day to day needs of raising a child?

My vote is for the parents who are quite content to be a weekend parent. I see far more of that.

Evident that you didn't choose well in a mate or a father for your children. There are many 'so-called' men that fall in this bucket but then there are men who want to raise their children and who are being denied because of archaic law and precedents.

If your ex could afford a 'high priced lawyer' he probably was the higher earner and realized quite quickly how impossible continuing a demanding career would be; paying offset child support and having to care for the children 50/50. Chances are, he probably can't afford both financially, physically and emotionally to have his children 50/50 with our current family law set up.

As I said before, every adult should support themselves (you marry a husband not a daddy) and half the expenses for the children they choose to have; shared should be automatic and CS shouldn't exist in 50/50.

Then and only then will you be able to judge a parent.

I would challenge you SadandTired to offer 50/50 and No CS exchange and if he still refuses having his children more then he truly is a POS.




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  #133 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2017, 10:17 AM
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Evident that you didn't choose well in a mate or a father for your children. There are many 'so-called' men that fall in this bucket but then there are men who want to raise their children and who are being denied because of archaic law and precedents.

If your ex could afford a 'high priced lawyer' he probably was the higher earner and realized quite quickly how impossible continuing a demanding career would be; paying offset child support and having to care for the children 50/50. Chances are, he probably can't afford both financially, physically and emotionally to have his children 50/50 with our current family law set up.

As I said before, every adult should support themselves (you marry a husband not a daddy) and half the expenses for the children they choose to have; shared should be automatic and CS shouldn't exist in 50/50.

Then and only then will you be able to judge a parent.

I would challenge you SadandTired to offer 50/50 and No CS exchange and if he still refuses having his children more then he truly is a POS.




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I love the "obviously I didn't choose well in a mate/father". What an assumption!!

Ex is a highly motivated and driven person. Educated and successful from a good family.

He isn't a POS, just a career driven man who takes his self essteem and self worth from his job. He is a specialized physician making $420,000 a year. He values his job. He loves his kids. He isn't abusive to anyone ever. He just loves being a high powered doctor in a well respected position, happy to just see his kids on his days off.

He has more than enough to hire a nanny for a 12 and 15 year old who can care for themselves most times. Additionally, it was HIM who moved just over an hour away to be the head of his department in a hospital. He made himself EOW. There was no opportunity for me to offer 50:50.

Last edited by SadAndTired; 01-12-2017 at 10:23 AM.
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  #134 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2017, 10:29 AM
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I am mother who has a 50/50 shared parenting plan and it can really work well if you want it to. It is a choice that I have to make every day, but my two kids are happy, healthy emotionally and loved by so many people. I focus on the quality of our time together not the quantity of time.

Before I divorced there father was a part-time dad. Once we separated he asked for 50/50, I was skeptical bc he had rarely changed a diaper let alone stay up all night with a sick child. But let's be real, it's not as if we had to 'try-out' or 'convince' someone that we were good enough to be our kids mom, I supported my ex in the transition and my children feel just as secure, safe and loved by their father as they are with me.
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Thank you for this Len. This illustrates that we are not simply male posters "projecting" our negative experiences, allegations, etc on this thread. You are a mother and advocating for 50/50.

My ex tried to pull the "he can't care for the child", "bad parent", etc. I also had wonky hours as a group home shift worker.

Once we achieved 50/50 ALL the conflict stopped. Ex realized that I could do everything she said I couldn't...and more. She realizes now that 50/50 was the best choice she ever could have made. Our communication has since improved...every aspect has improved and no further court was needed (putting money in the bank instead of lawyers pockets).

Exact same situation with a friend of mine. The mom was denying 50/50. A very acrimonious situation, lots of allegations and downplaying of his parenting abilities from mom. She gave 50/50 a try and now their entire arrangement has improved.

This is what a number of posters are trying to get across. sometimes 50/50 brings the best out in people...especially the kids. Gatekeeping and self-entitlement need to be set aside sometimes and something different needs to be tried.

And for god sakes, if you're writing "bad parenting" notes, fear your child is being psychologically harmed, to the point you're recording your child for evidence .....don't wait 8 years at almost 50/50 to do something about it .... not in kid's best interests and the judge will lay down the hammer on that point.
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  #135 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2017, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by SadAndTired View Post
I love the "obviously I didn't choose well in a mate/father". What an assumption!!

Ex is a highly motivated and driven person. Educated and successful from a good family.

He isn't a POS, just a career driven man who takes his self essteem and self worth from his job. He is a specialized physician making $420,000 a year. He values his job. He loves his kids. He isn't abusive to anyone ever. He just loves being a high powered doctor in a well respected position, happy to just see his kids on his days off.

He has more than enough to hire a nanny for a 12 and 15 year old who can care for themselves most times. Additionally, it was HIM who moved just over an hour away to be the head of his department in a hospital. He made himself EOW. There was no opportunity for me to offer 50:50.


Your situation is extremely unique... firstly, less than 1% of the population make that kind of money and even less thank that have the brain power to be a specialized physician and have the drive to be the head of a department where they can do greater good.

Focusing on the majority of dad's out there who aren't as remarkably gifted.


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  #136 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2017, 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by len14 View Post
Your situation is extremely unique... firstly, less than 1% of the population make that kind of money and even less thank that have the brain power to be a specialized physician and have the drive to be the head of a department where they can do greater good.

Focusing on the majority of dad's out there who aren't as remarkably gifted.


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For instance, when her ex left, he left a note for S&T. Unfortunately, the child found the note. S&T brought the child to the Dr and somehow the Dr, (was not a certified child psychologist) recommended to deny access to the father claiming the child now had PTSD.

When I read her thread I became confused as she seemed to put it all on the Dr's shoulders, like she had nothing to do with anything. But she did however make a post that read:
Quote:
I don't know if a call to CAS is needed as he didn't intentionally try to hurt the kids. She was terribly affected by the letter but I don't know if that could be characterised as abuse.
http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...itation-13399/
I'm certainly not mentioning this to ruffle S&T's tailfeathers .. but she did state that she was confused whether "finding a letter" was dad being abusive or not and was curious about calling CAS....then took her child to the Dr.

I know it might not have been a 50/50 situation, but just imagine coming home and you and your child finding a letter and all belongings gone. My point is that emotions were surely running high and the terms "abuse" and "CAS" were thrown about in her threads....but there was none.

This is the type of stuff that needs to stop during separations. It's why many don't end up achieving 50/50 in "different situations" (in S&T's I understand he didn't want it).

Last edited by LovingFather32; 01-12-2017 at 12:21 PM.
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  #137 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2017, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by SadAndTired View Post
So what? Why take it so personally that you have to post over and over again the same thing? Why do you care what her reasons are?

I wonder what is more common, parents who try to keep the children so they can keep C/S or parents who don't see their children often or enough, demonstrating very little commitment to the day to day needs of raising a child?

My vote is for the parents who are quite content to be a weekend parent. I see far more of that.
This is a debate. I already know what her true reasons are. Her decision to ignore simple questions are alarming. I don't need answers to conclude my opinion. I have taken a few minutes and painted a pretty picture here. Have a look. Her posts are self explanatory.

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I feel this is all fuelled by his desire to save money rather than actuallly see his kids more. My huge concern is that he is now fabricating events and writing them down in emails to me because he doesn't have anything against me and is a desperate man.
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He has been manipulating the kids to think less of me (attempting to by again making up stories). He cheated on me … Now he wants them when he is due to pay more? I have a hard time just saying here have your kids 50/50 after what he's been doing to me.
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I am just wondering how much weight a judge will put on the fact that there is a new half sibling relationship to consider when deciding custody arrangements (I remarried and had a baby with new husband). In my case, the status quo is 65-35 custody which ex wants increased to 50-50 now after 8 years.
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You don't think the motivation could possibly be money? So let's review then.....
…You don't think a judge will see this??
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His "proposed" agreement is literally all about saving himself money. Money is the motivation, not being the best dad to his kids. The judge will also have to hear all of his fabricated crap about me and likely won't think highly about some of his actions the past few years.
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Looking for information on how the legal system determines exactly what percentages of custody time each parent has. Is it calculated using only overnights? Is there a formula commonly used?


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I think they're too young to hear the adult stuff.
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Originally Posted by Ange71727 View Post
I could tell you stories of things I've had to explain to the kids about his words and behaviours. He isn't abusing them. He isn't hurting them per se. I do think he loves them. I just don't want to lose the arrangement I have. He has been set up in his own house for five years so why come for them now? Because they are older and easier? Because he wants to save money? How is that right?
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Guess what? I have a documented journal full of many examples of bad parenting calls. I have an organized binder as well where I keep all the emails and have written my notes attached to them

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I recorded my children so that I had proof that his allegations are false.
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Originally Posted by Ange71727 View Post
I HAVE considered a reduction in custody

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Originally Posted by Ange71727 View Post
As a side note, I DO believe 50/50 can be awesome and should be the starting point at time of separation. It's not like I think it can never be the way! If my husband and I were to split right now (without any major issues that would warrant a reduction in custody), this is what we would agree on most likely
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The kids love their dad
True story™

Last edited by trinton; 01-12-2017 at 12:22 PM.
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  #138 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2017, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by len14 View Post
Your situation is extremely unique... firstly, less than 1% of the population make that kind of money and even less thank that have the brain power to be a specialized physician and have the drive to be the head of a department where they can do greater good.

Focusing on the majority of dad's out there who aren't as remarkably gifted.


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Fair enough Len. Point well taken. I was just responding to your assumption that I must not have chosen well.

But sadly I do know of many fathers who don't pursue 50:50. A friend of mine in particular is an excellent involved father on the weekends and extra days here and there that he has them. I tried to encourage 50:50 to no avail. I don't really understand it myself.

I know two men who have majority of time and full custody. Neither pursued CS as they saw it as fundamentally unmanly. I know two women who are same. Never pursued CS. Too proud, I guess.

My point is that one can't always assume it is simply a CS based when one parent has more time. Every single person's situation is different.
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  #139 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2017, 12:29 PM
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This is a debate. I already know what her true reasons are. Her decision to ignore simple questions are alarming. I don't need answers to conclude my opinion. I have taken a few minutes and painted a pretty picture here. Have a look. Her posts are self explanatory.
Yes. I, like most everyone else, have read her posts the first time she posted them. I am not a child and do not need them cut and paste for me over and over in hopes that more people here will finally agree with your opinions.

I think it is difficult to not view things through the glasses fogged with the bias of your personal experiences. I simply do not see Ange as the horrible Mother you portray her to be and do not think she has to justify her choices to you.

I don't see her ignoring your questions as "alarming". A bit dramatic, don't you think?

I think her ignoring you and LF's badgering and "questioning" is a mature, non confrontational response to adult bullying.

Last edited by SadAndTired; 01-12-2017 at 12:35 PM.
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  #140 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2017, 12:44 PM
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50:50 should be a starting point with teeth to prevent one parent from pulling stunts to get what they want. Parents who unable physically and emotionally at the time of divorce should also be provided with a reprieve to get help and then a custody review following that. If my partner had the ability to get help and not be faced with bs from people in the community, he would have been able to get 50:50 and not have to kill himself to get there.
You got it Rock. Your story always touches my heart.

I'm not sure if many remember Mr.Toronto. His mother hid him as a child from his father at a cottage. His father searched and searched for him and unfortunately passed away before he could find him. It's in his past posts.
I'm not sure that Mr.Toronto ever forgave his mother for that. SO sad. So if any of you are ever wondering why Mr.Toronto was so vocal and emotionally invested..that's why. If you'r reading Mr. T...I miss ya. Come chat for a while buddy.

Just so many antics by parents after separation, and as Rock points out..too many folks in the community who muddy the waters even more.
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