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Political Issues This forum is for discussing the political aspects of divorce: reform to divorce laws, men's rights, women's rights, injustices in the divorce system, etc.

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  #91 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2017, 10:58 AM
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Rioe, my mother has a mental illness and my father is a selfish cheater. They didn't work together. When they split my mother denied my father any access and he disappeared. My childhood was spent with one parent who could not cope and we had to learn to manage early. Im not complaining because that brutality helped me become who I am today.

However, if my parents hadn't been so hell bent on punishing each other for not being good partners, my childhood may have been different. My father was a good enough dad and would have had to pull up his socks if he had been in a 50/50 situation. My mother would have had to learn to share and work with him in that situation. I don't expect it would have been perfect picket fence leave it to beaver but we would have grown up in a situation with both our parents. As it stands, much of their "disagreement" has had a big impact on our psychological well being. My mother sees my father as a womanizing asshole. My father sees her as a crazy bitch. They both love their kids but hate each other more.

The bottom line is that some parents love their kids and some parents hate their ex spouse more than their love for their kids.

My partners ex started their divorce with "you'll never see your kids again". It came true. He spent tens of thousands trying to enforce an agreement she never had any intention of following. If there had been a designated 50:50, enforcement options to keep it at that, and psychological tools to protect the kids, things would be very different.
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  #92 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2017, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingFather32 View Post
Dr. Gary? lol Who's that? Why not just watch Dr. Phil and follow all of his advice? lol
I prefer caselaw, CLRA rules of family law. Especially stuff like "Maximum Contact".


In your case, the father is asking for maximum contact and in my opinion .. guessing that he is just money hungry isn't a good enough reason to deny the small amount he's asking. 8 years of "almost" 50/50 and showing that the kids are doing well while in his care should be proof enough, let alone Rule 24(4) hasn't been met to affect his ability to parent.


Nope, it's not necessary. Nobody here said that. 50/50 is not for everyone. In my opinion it is in your case though.


Peeps are PM'ing you because they are cognizant that a good majority of posters here support an equal relationship with both parents. Your criteria doesn't qualify for denying a few extra hours of parenting time.

To be clear, I'm receiving PM's also with peeps agreeing that it's just a minuscule amount of time he's asking and that you're causing drama for no reason. They also don't want to be scrutinised on the thread. People should post what they feel....I don't think there's any right/wrong answers...we're on a political forum.


This is what I mean. You're digging to make him an inadequate parent.

Are you trying to tell me that all this time at 35% he';s never gave his child meds or dealt with any of his ADHD behaviors? Seriously? Don't get me started .. I work in mental health .. what a crock!

I see you still refuse to answer my question. What if he did all the "legwork", took classes, had an ironclad parenting plan and wanted to start fresh with you without any conflict"?

I know you like to ignore this because you're dead set on denying your children an equal relationship .. even if he was the best dad in the world. That's what kills me.
LF, lay off the newbie. You're badgering her unnecessarily. She is not going to say "You're right, I am only thinking of my own selfish needs and should stop trying to deny my long-suffering ex the right to be a loving dad to his children. I will go to court and rectify this at once".

You are ascribing motives, emotions, and intentions to her that you don't know anything about. I've worked in mental health too, and we call this "projection".

Take a deep breath and repeat:

Not every divorced mother is my ex.
Not every divorced father is me.
Not every situation is mine.
Other people are different from me.
Different.

(And as for Dr Gary Kneier, he's a well-known Calgary-based psychologist with a PhD. Not a TV star).
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  #93 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2017, 11:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Rioe, my mother has a mental illness and my father is a selfish cheater. They didn't work together. When they split my mother denied my father any access and he disappeared. My childhood was spent with one parent who could not cope and we had to learn to manage early. Im not complaining because that brutality helped me become who I am today.

However, if my parents hadn't been so hell bent on punishing each other for not being good partners, my childhood may have been different. My father was a good enough dad and would have had to pull up his socks if he had been in a 50/50 situation. My mother would have had to learn to share and work with him in that situation. I don't expect it would have been perfect picket fence leave it to beaver but we would have grown up in a situation with both our parents. As it stands, much of their "disagreement" has had a big impact on our psychological well being. My mother sees my father as a womanizing asshole. My father sees her as a crazy bitch. They both love their kids but hate each other more.

The bottom line is that some parents love their kids and some parents hate their ex spouse more than their love for their kids.

My partners ex started their divorce with "you'll never see your kids again". It came true. He spent tens of thousands trying to enforce an agreement she never had any intention of following. If there had been a designated 50:50, enforcement options to keep it at that, and psychological tools to protect the kids, things would be very different.
This is exactly what I'm trying to portray. Thank you Rock for sharing your personal story. Warring parents arn't qualified to judge each other's personalities or parenting skills. Just like QC, Australia ...50/50 should be the starting point...but not an absolute end point after all factors are weighed.

An asshole dad or mom should have to display a pattern of assholeness with other people and across time (and have strong evidence of it) if we're going to relate it to parenting ability .. not just with each other. And although it could be a contributing factor it's STILL not abuse or a considered factor when analyzing ones ability to parent in the eyes of the CLRA.

Last edited by LovingFather32; 01-11-2017 at 11:29 AM.
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  #94 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2017, 11:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
LF, lay off the newbie. You're badgering her unnecessarily. She is not going to say "You're right, I am only thinking of my own selfish needs and should stop trying to deny my long-suffering ex the right to be a loving dad to his children. I will go to court and rectify this at once".

You are ascribing motives, emotions, and intentions to her that you don't know anything about. I've worked in mental health too, and we call this "projection".

Take a deep breath and repeat:

Not every divorced mother is my ex.
Not every divorced father is me.
Not every situation is mine.
Other people are different from me.
Different.

(And as for Dr Gary Kneier, he's a well-known Calgary-based psychologist with a PhD. Not a TV star).
Not badgering. Not even saying I'm right. Just discussing the facts. That's why we're here. You can make this about my ex if you want Stripes. I'm advocating for ALL parents who are being denied equal parenting for reasons that don't seem to add up. I'm also advocating for maximum contact with each parent, just as parliament is. I'm sorry that you disagree .... politics as usual...no hard feelings I hope! :-)

In fact I've tried to change the topic several times....switching to the importance of the correlation between maximum contact with parents and identity .... but our new poster came back with some large posts about her situation once again. No need to defend her. If she takes issue with the thread or certain viewpoints she can choose not to read or post here.

PS ... Dr. Phil has a Ph D. also.

Last edited by LovingFather32; 01-11-2017 at 11:29 AM.
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  #95 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2017, 11:47 AM
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Take a look at the phrases I put in bold: "I know you like to ignore this because ...", "You're digging to make him look bad ...", "You still refuse to answer my question ...". This isn't "discussing the facts". This is ascribing motives, intent and emotion to another individual in a situation where you cannot possibly know motives, intent or emotion.
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  #96 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2017, 11:47 AM
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And that's all I've got to say about this.
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  #97 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2017, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
I was in what is referred to as an "intact marriage" for 30 years. My son's father certainly didn't bother his ass to spend much time with his son throughout all of those years - only when it suited him and there wasn't someone on TV which he preferred to watch. Now that we are divorced father RARELY phones his son. I continually pepper my son with "call your father... he is your father..."

Now I am pretty sure that if there were $$$ involved with communicating with an adult-child my ex would be very interested in seeing his son.

Just sayin...

Ange - did your ex ever express desire to 50/50 parent in the past, by a pleasant email or conversation? Or did this newfound desire merely happen after he retained a lawyer to dispute the CS and arrears?


He never once brought it up until the CS increase and arrears.


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  #98 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2017, 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Ange71727 View Post
I'm starting threads about calculations and time so that I can make sure I am going about this correctly and informing myself along the way.


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You don't want to pay any child support. Show's the type of parent you are.

I suggest you stop using your child a pawn in a chess game or a piece in a monopoly game. It's not a game and it's not a business. It's a child's life. I would have left you for dad and never looked back if I was your child and you were my mom. I love my dad and would love to have more time with him, even if it's just an extra 5%, but you keep thinking that he just wants more time with me to lower his child support. I'm now caught in this conflict that is going to give me depression, anxiety, and a stream of other problems because you want me all to your self. I love dad as much as I love you. I'm really happy to know that he want's to spend more time with me. I enjoy spending time with dad.

8 years is quite an awful long time. The passage of time can be a material change in circumstance paired with other relevant minor changes.

Sounds like the extra money you are trying to save by not agreeing to 50% access, triple or quadruple that amount you will spend on a lawyer opposing it. Makes total sense. Instead of coming to an agreement with the father of your child and setting that money aside for your child's education or future, you are going to spend it on lawyers for the next 2 -3 years because you don't think things should be fare and equal. You're putting your wishes before the wishes of your child.

CAUTION - I was recently informed by a lawyer about parents who spend the child's entire life fighting over him and in the end, the child left both of them..Didn't want to see either. You think children enjoy this stuff? You think you're setting a good example for your children or society by being so selfish ? THink again. What is your true motivation? What are your intentions? Is he abusive? Does he want more time to reduce CS? Or he shouldn't have an opportunity to have the child instead of daycare? Which one is it? What's next? He returns the child home hungry? Trust me, we've heard it all.

You keep mentioning ROFR.. you mentioned it again in this thread ... are you seriously that concerned that the ROFR might give him the extra 5% that you don't want him to have? You're a state of art. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcasm

If you're going to accuse him of seeking 50-50 to reduce CS, be prepared to be accused of opposing 50% and keeping him at strictly 35% to avoid having to pay CS.

You keep fishing for reasons to oppose 50/50 and keep him below the 40% mark. If I was the dad on the other side, none of the reasons you have posted here would stop me from perusing 50/50, if anything the serious allegations you have made against me would persuade me to seek sole custody. I promise that I would bury you in debt along the way.

Last edited by trinton; 01-11-2017 at 12:20 PM.
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  #99 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2017, 12:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
You see variations on this idea all over the place, that you picked this person to be your kids' other parent, so obviously you thought they would be a good parent.

It's BS.

People change. People lie. People manipulate. People may even realize that their partner would be a poor parent, but figure that their own parenting will make up for it.

Then, true colours are revealed, the rose-coloured glasses are removed, the family is torn apart. And suddenly, your ex, who turned out to NOT be someone you would have chosen to have children with, has the children SOLO instead of you being around to make up for their inadequate parenting.

I know in my case, had I known then what I know now about my ex, I would NOT have gotten married and yes, never had my children.

You can say "oh, I don't regret what happened because I got my wonderful children out of it," but I call BS on that too. Sure, if I had never married my ex, I would not have these particular wonderful children, but I would have married someone else, who would likely have been a much better parent, and had different, equally wonderful, children instead.

The person my ex turned out to be to is not the person I picked to be the other parent to my children. I picked the fašade person that I had been manipulated into believing was truth. That person never existed, and is certainly not the one with whom I am stuck coparenting my children now.

It might be good child development to have 50-50 relationships with parents who are both good people who just didn't work together as romantic partners. It cannot be good child development to be forced to spend equal time with one parent who is narcissistic, lying, selfish or bigoted.


This is exactly what happened in my case and I agree with you completely.


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  #100 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2017, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingFather32 View Post
Not badgering. Not even saying I'm right. Just discussing the facts. That's why we're here. You can make this about my ex if you want Stripes. I'm advocating for ALL parents who are being denied equal parenting for reasons that don't seem to add up. I'm also advocating for maximum contact with each parent, just as parliament is. I'm sorry that you disagree .... politics as usual...no hard feelings I hope! :-)

In fact I've tried to change the topic several times....switching to the importance of the correlation between maximum contact with parents and identity .... but our new poster came back with some large posts about her situation once again. No need to defend her. If she takes issue with the thread or certain viewpoints she can choose not to read or post here.

PS ... Dr. Phil has a Ph D. also.


You brought my name into this. I came back so I wouldn't be discussed without input from the actual source!


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