Unusual Circ's

[older/not wiser]

Hi everyone.
I do not want to take away from all your horrible circ's, so I will just get to the gist of it. My partner was srsly handicapped in 2001 and I'm still hangin for him. He's a unique and interesting person to me. But I'm done now, used up, exhausted. He smacked me upside the head the other day, because I was disgusted with his behviour. He takes morphine for his pain and he is now abusing alcohol. I hate it. I met with a lawyer who told me to get a pre-nup cuz we're not married in Ontario, just livin together since '96. I want all compensation coming to me, since I've been the only caregiver since srs accident of '01. Meantime he gets mean when he is drinking, and does stupid shit like transfer his old wife's crap onto me. I don't even 'think' or 'feel' like his old wife, but I still get the abuse. I'm tired man, really tired. I hang in, only cuz my daughter loves him so much. What to do? How can I get what I deserve as an partner what I would really get as a wife?

P.S. He hit me once, never again. plus give me a break, i'm learning how to use this computer thingie. I will get up to speed soon, I hope.

[standing on the sidelines]

the pre-nup or co-habitation agreement should have been done in 96 so you are out of luck there. To try and get one now when you are wanting to leave just will not fly. Any judge will say you had the option of walking away at anytime so asking for compensation from someone who you say is seriously handicapped probably will not happen.

Was there some sort of settlement from the accident he was in? If there was was some of the money suppose to go for his care? If so then you may have a chance there as you were the caregiver.

[Mess]

If he received compensation or insurance for his injury, you would not be entitled to it even if you were married.

If you were married the only additional compensation you could expect is an equal share of any increase in assets/savings since the date of marriage, but this does not include insurance settlements.

If you were married you would also have an equal share of the matrimonial home. Do either of you own the home you live in? If not then it is not an issue anyway.

If he owns the home and you have been putting labour and or money into it's upkeep then you can make a claim to get money back from this.

I'm not sure what kind of lawyer you were speaking to, that was really strange advice, and as standing on the sidelines says, such an agreement wouldn't stand up if you sign it and then leave, and he is on morphine for christ's sakes. He would have a slew of reasons to have that overturned.

You have every right to not want to be hit, and to want to leave, but it is also obvious that he is neither physically or mentally healthy. Your daugther can continue you know him and care about him without you living there. You should just separate, split your possessions and move out and sever your ties and leave it at that. If you share joint accounts then split these evenly, but you will be wasting your own money to try to go after his compensation or disability.

[older/not wiser]

Thanks for that, good stuff. I sat down and calmly told him what my plans were.
He was very saddened and contrite. I told him I feel too insecure financially and feel used up. He called his lawyer and told him to put his pension, his life insurance in my name. He also told him to draw up a pre-nup that is fair to both of us and he will sign it. He is making arrangements to go to a Rehab. One of his nurses who comes in is helping him to make the arrangements.
Will he go? I don't know, rehab is difficult when a person uses pain meds. He said he will make an appt with his physician and get weaned from the morphine and wants a non-narcotic pain med. We will see. I am impressed he did so much in only 2 days, the telephone was burning up. Now he must follow through and I promised him I would stay to see how this unfolds. He even seems a bit cheerful now and again. Thanks again and I will let you know how it goes.

[Mess]

OK, I think when you say prenup you really mean separation agreement, which makes a lot more sense.

[standing on the sidelines]

Originally Posted by Mess

OK, I think when you say prenup you really mean separation agreement, which makes a lot more sense.

ya that is what i am thinking also.

[older/not wiser]

Oh I hadn't thought of that. But do people get a sep. agreement before they've even separated?
The appts to docs/lawyer have been made, all end of week.

[Rioe]

I'm finding your situation very confusing. Are you definitely leaving, or just considering leaving him if he doesn't shape up? It sounds like he feels you've delivered an ultimatum, and not a decision, and is acting on it by getting into rehab, etc, to try to save his relationship with you. And I don't know why he would be putting his pension and insurance in your name when, if you're separating, he should be removing you! If you are definitely going with separation no matter what he works to improve, you may want to make sure he understands that as soon as possible, or you're just being cruel.

If you are really separating, what you want is a separation agreement, and it would be dated from when you began to live disconnected lives, physically, emotionally and financially. That date could certainly be before you actually move out. This could involve equalization and spousal support, depending on length of relationship, needs and arrangements and so on. Then you move out and leave him to his illness and someone else's care, and it would be up to him and your daughter, depending on her age, if they want to continue a parent/child relationship. You don't say if she's also his daughter, or from elsewhere, which could make a huge difference to that arrangement.

If you are just trying to make things more secure for you to remain together, based on his illness and erratic behaviour and any improvement rehab brings him, then some other contract might be more appropriate, but I'm not sure what it would be. If you want to continue to be considered a spouse, get a marriage type of contract, which I believe can be done at this date but only looking forwards, outlining each partner's responsibilities, especially financially as that appears to be your focus, and what would happen in the event of a future separation. If you want to lead your own personal life but still take care of him, transitioning to some sort of caregiver employment arrangement might be possible, whereby he pays you a regular amount out of his income to care for him as necessary. That would give you the financial security you indicate you need, but he would also be free to fire you and seek care elsewhere if he wants to.

However, I don't think you can retroactively just demand lump sum compensation for the years you cared for him after his accident as though you had been only a hired nurse and housekeeper all along.

[logicalvelocity]

Was the accident an automobile accident?

[older/not wiser]

@Rioe - that was a quite an answer, rather presumptious as well.
@logicalvelocity - no a workplace accident.

So far he is following through and I am glad of that. His health is important thing. Chronic pain is not something anyone would wish on their worst enemy, ever. I'm stunned with how much morphine he has weaned from in such a short time and yes it is being monitored by his physician. As for me, I'm still unsure. Hanging in for the time being.