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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2010, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by rwm1273 View Post
But I do keep hoping that either the courts will do something to stop the problems I continue to have with their mother,
Not likely.
  #22 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2010, 08:29 PM
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Probably not, but there is no harm in hoping.
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2010, 06:29 AM
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As mentioned previously, I opted for agreeing to 50/50. Children need to be loved by both parents. Enough have told me that women are better at raising them and organizing etc. but I think that is a crock. There have been some pretty awful moms I've met since divorced (my X's kids have the worst one yet....that I've met). There are some great examples of bad dads too.
BUT, I've also been told many times that kids are not stupid....to which I've also found both examples.
So I've seen and learned a lot in the past 5 years - wish I could do some of this marriage and child rearing over again.
What has proven the biggest truth to me - is my child really is NOT stupid. Her father has bought her everything, but seems to be missing out on everything she wants. To be loved and respected. She really wants to read, go to school and be a great person - to which she now realizes her father does not 'teach' her things.
So to the dads out there - be a 'parent' and parent your kids. They love guidelines, boundaries, limits, etc. They need to feel that you are behind them even when some things are tough.
My girl is sick at home right now and cried again last night about going to her dad's Friday night. "He just won't look after me mom".
How awful to hear that. I do give her instructions on how to look after herself, and if in doubt to phone me (if you've read before, that won't happen).
SO....in the end, 5 years later, is why we are where we are. SHE WANTS to be with the parent that will parent her. It was NOT my choice and until 6 months ago, total news to me as I just don't speak ill of her dad. She came to this on her own and is just sick of it. Time to make a decision for herself.
So there is hope. Keep up the happy face, positive attitude and 'best food forward'. Your kids do actually listen and learn.
Hope this helps someone out there.
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2010, 08:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConcernenedStepMom78 View Post
Okay is it just me or does it seem that everyone leaves it up to their kids to call them? What happened to a parent being a parent and if they want to speak to the kid (s) they call them? A kid wants to know they are wanted and needed in a parents life why is it their responsibility to come to the parent?

In my case I don't call my daughter because that would mean having to speak with my ex. Every single time I call I end up talking to him and we argue, or he begs for a second chance. I've tried not to respond, but it isn't easy, so I just don't call. It sucks, but the OCL lawyer was supportive of it.

I would think that for others here it may be the same, or that maybe the other parent finds it disruptive. I can understand if that's the case. Even if a call is scheduled for say 6:30, that doesn't mean the regular schedule will be progressing on time. You never know when you may get held up in traffic, or the kids are eating dinner, at sports etc. I think it really is easier for the kids to call.
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Old 10-15-2010, 09:07 AM
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Skipper,

It sounds like your daughter is really mature and knows what she wants and for good reason. If she is really insistent then you could ask the Office of the Children's Lawyer (OCL) to assist her. I would wait until she's seen the psychologist though and find out if her desires to be with you more are supported by him/her.

Until then keep trying to engage the dad and be encouraging of both homes. I think your problem lies with the step-mom. If you can get dad to the table and leave her at home you may be able to work together on this. Just remember, it has to be just mom and dad, and no significant others.
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2010, 09:15 AM
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billie I understand...I have a horrible ex BUT when I call he lets the kids answer this alleviates him answering and he knows I do not want to communicate via phone unless absolutely necessary, I even Skype and webcam with my boys, they have comps in their rooms so the e doesnt have to see...LOL....BUT webcams are nice this day and age for those that do live far away from their kids. I have had to monitor my kids many a time because my ex works won't hire a sitter and leaves our 13 year old to babysit his 10 and 5 year old brothers for up to 6 hours a day, needless to say the kids need an adult around if if via cam.
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Old 10-15-2010, 09:28 AM
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Glad you can do thast with your kids stepmom. Mine just turned 4 though, so I have a ways to go before we can try any of that.

I'm hoping to get a schedule change though after our OCL disclosure next week. If that doesn't work I'm going to put in a motion to do that. I think my daughter and I can both handle 4-5 days without contact, but a week is too long at her age. As it is I go visit her at daycare on Tuesdays when she is with her dad just to break the 7-day stretch!
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2010, 10:44 AM
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Skipper,
It is very obvious that you love your child and would do anything for her. But... I find myself questioning if you are really thinking clearly about the situation.

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Originally Posted by Skipper3 View Post
As mentioned previously, I opted for agreeing to 50/50. Children need to be loved by both parents.
You did not opt for this. Both parents agreed to this in the best interest of the child. You did not have a choice to opt for it. Your choice was whether to fight for a different arrangement. You chose not to. I think that is a good thing. The reason that I am pointing this out to you isn't just a word play game - it is because from the tone of your posts it seems like you believe that you know best for your child, you make or break the decisions and dad doesn't have the decision power. It would be just as easy for you to say that you and your child's father opted for 50-50 because you both knew that children need to be loved by both parents. Stating it the way that you did makes it a bit adversarial. You aren't working with the other parent for the child.

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Originally Posted by Skipper3 View Post
Her father has bought her everything, but seems to be missing out on everything she wants. To be loved and respected. She really wants to read, go to school and be a great person - to which she now realizes her father does not 'teach' her things.
I understand your frustration. We have a very similar problem with my step-kids mom. But... when she comes to you and says that dad buys her a lot of things but doesn't love or respect her - you should be telling her that of course he loves and respects her. If she wants to read, go to school and be a great person, that is wonderful - you have done a fantastic job of teaching her what is important. However if she wants to be a great person part of that "greatness" is accepting other peoples limitations and differences. Part of that is to try to have a real, honest relationship with her father. She will (for the rest of her life) have to try to find common ground with her father and a way for them to get along. Obviously they will not agree on everything, and some stages of her life will be harder than others... but the time may come when your daughter tells you something that she doesn't like about you... that dad does really well. I don't think that you would like it if he took the same approach that you are taking.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Skipper3 View Post
So to the dads out there - be a 'parent' and parent your kids. They love guidelines, boundaries, limits, etc. They need to feel that you are behind them even when some things are tough.
Again, I feel that you are alienating the other parent. You were saying at the beginning of your email that you know that there is good and bad in both moms and dads - why single out all of the dads?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skipper3 View Post
SO....in the end, 5 years later, is why we are where we are. SHE WANTS to be with the parent that will parent her.
Then PARENT her - tell her that she is too young to make that decision and that it has to be up to the adults in her life to work out any problems. All she has to do is be a child and try to make the best family relationships that she can. Tell her that you understand that SHE WANTS to be with you... but that as an adult you know that one of the most important things in the world is the relationship between a child and a parent. If dad doesn't understand what she wants from him, it is really important for her to keep trying to tell him. Next time he takes her out to buy and expensive gift tell her to tell him - no thank you - instead can we go to the library? I want to show you one of my favourite things.... (or whatever non monetary thing she likes) I would doubt very much that he would say no. Then there would instantly be a bridge built between them - based on what she says she needs.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Skipper3 View Post
It was NOT my choice and until 6 months ago, total news to me as I just don't speak ill of her dad. She came to this on her own and is just sick of it. Time to make a decision for herself.
But it is not "time to make a decision for herself." She is not old enough to make a decision for herself. It may be time for the adults in her life to make a decision for her. That is up to you. She should in no way have to make an adult decision.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skipper3 View Post
So there is hope. Keep up the happy face, positive attitude and 'best food forward'. Your kids do actually listen and learn.
Yes, I absolutely agree... your kids do learn from you. Your child has learned to value reading and school and "bing a good person" from you and that is wonderful. Maybe it is time to teach her the tools for how to deal with stressful situations, how to problem solve, how to build relationships and deal with people that you don't understand. Help her build a relationship with her dad - Yes, I know that you have stated that he doesn't do the same for you - but your daughter will listen and learn from how you handle the situation. If she sees you being the "bigger" person she will love you all the more. If you help to rebuild the relationship with dad - you have given her the best gift of all.

Good Luck
  #29 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2010, 11:23 AM
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Another awesome post by Lumpy. This person GETS IT!
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2010, 11:31 AM
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Another awesome post by Lumpy. This person GETS IT!
I don't think so. I think this mother is making attempts and maybe is not able to express it so explicitly. I think Lumpy is reading between the lines a little bit. I seriously doubt this is a case of PA, maybe just a little more understanding is needed by this mom, and the dad too.

Lumpy, that was a little too judgemental. This mom is ASKING for advice and seems willing to listen. I don't think she's doing ANYTHING here to deserve criticism. Maybe her point of view is a little one-sided, but harsh words are not needed here, she's open to opinions!
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