Time for change

[Skipper3]

Interesting site....maybe I'll learn something.
About me....divorced 6 years. Live with partner 2 for 3 years. He has two kids who after a year battle (ended last year) gave up shared custody to his X who then immediately moved 1 hour away (another sad story for another time).
My X and I live in same neighbourhood. He remarried a lady that is fine as an adult, but not a mother. She was never married before or had kids so does not really parent our daughter that well (meaning she has a lot of unfounded advice for our girl) but my X of course backs her up. I would label her as quite the 'control' freak.
It has been 6 months now that my girl has come to me asking that she see me more than the 50/50 she now shares with dad.
I thought it was a phase, but she started getting very persistent through the summer to the point of crying every time she left me.

I wrote her father mid summer. Pointed out some concerns-like his wife not allowing my daughter to phone. She was 'allowed' too, but they were only once per week and the step-mom would interrupt them every time. By the summer, this women was getting upset everytime my girl mentioned me or that she wanted to phone me.
Anyhow, this came up in the letter about the 'control' the stepmom was trying to impose plus all the rules that were just out of line. Kids need to be kids. In that house there are rigid bed times, how much food to eat, not allowed to wear any cloths twice.
Our girl just does not feel respected, loved etc with her dad anymore.

I have always taken her to the doctor, dentist, etc. Involved in all of her sports and activities.
Dad is fine enough-I do however believe now that it is in the best interest of our girl if she is with me more.
He concentrates on how much he spends on her and totally misses that it is not about the money. She plays sports but he does not watch her.

She loves to read, but he does not buy her books. I got her ears pierced (because HE wanted them done), but does not buy her earrings.

Since the letter, things have gotten out of control. He blames me for her change in heart and does not believe she wants to see me, that I put this in her head. She apparently has said 5 times in a row "I want to see mom" and he still thinks I put this in her head. Originally...this was news to me too.

Anyhow, she now cries when she comes to me (saying how she missed me the past week), cries when she leaves (it will be an awful week) and sometimes without warning mid-week if she thinks about it. I am so concerned about what is going on at dad's house that has her so sad.

He won't agree for her to be with me more (in denial?) so I had my lawyer write him to agree to the findings of a child physchologist. So far he said he would agree to go and hear what our girl has to say.

• Not sure how long that will take.
• Found out he is more concerned with how much he will have to pay me.
• I never realized that even 2 more nights with me would have him paying more, so that was never on my mind.

Any ideas on how a child physcologist would work out?

[dadtotheend]

How old is your daughter?

[Skipper3]

She is 11. 12 in January. We were told that at 12, she has far more say in what she wants. As of now however, she is adament that she wants this.

[representingself]

Would the father be more amicable if the access changed to give you more time, and you agreed to not seek an increase in CS payments?

[Skipper3]

I have no idea. He will not answer any questions I email to him. He has become quite angry and condescending in emails. I am sure he is upset she wants a change, but will not negotiate any thoughts, concerns, etc. from his side. I have no idea how to talk to him anymore. From the beginning I asked him to chat. He originally said what goes on in HIS home is HIS business and he would chat with me.
Then it turned into comments from him that I should be promoting both homes. He has no idea how long I have supported 'both' homes and encouraged it - while his wife was commenting against me.
Bottom line, one counsellor told my daughter and I not to take it personally. That their insecurities are their own and we are not to take ownership of it.
So here I am, not knowing what is in his head. But it is having a nasty side effect on myself and my daughter.
I divorced him for insecure reasons. I did not anticipate the same thing from my daugther. Guess he is just not going to change what has been told to him multiple times to do.
So if money is the issue....even though he makes twice what I do, and I've already been through legal dollars with my current partner and his X. I will fight this again to save my girl. This has nothing to do with whether he is supposed to pay or needs to pay or wants to pay.
Long answer....sorry....I really cannot speak for him. Wish I could share some of his thoughts.

[AnarX]

Let me preface this by saying that I do not believe half of the stuff people say.

Bottom line, one counsellor told my daughter and I not to take it personally. That their insecurities are their own and we are not to take ownership of it.

That is very weird.
I have to doubt the integrity of a child counsellor who can denigrate her father by labelling his actions as "insecurities" without hearing from him on the matter.

[Skipper3]

You're probably correct on how I worded it. The cousellor told me not to take on his insecurities. The whole thing should be between him and I and the discussions. Needless to say, we don't see that person anymore (after 2 visits). I got the gist that my X and I are to deal with this and keep our girl out of it. My girl got the idea that she needs to be stronger and not take what he says to heart at the moment. She is not to take ownership of his negative feelings which is what indeed she keeps repeating to me and what she wants help on and feels bad for.
This is the part I have trouble with as I have no idea why he is changing on her, nor making things difficult and not talking about it.
According to her, he 'drills' her for an hour or two weekly on her feelings then says he never heard her?

[AnarX]

Just out of curiosity, why did you choose him to be the father of your children?

[lumpy]

Being the devil's advocate here...
There a few things that really worry me about your post...

Originally Posted by Skipper3

He remarried a lady that is fine as an adult, but not a mother. She was never married before or had kids so does not really parent our daughter that well (meaning she has a lot of unfounded advice for our girl) but my X of course backs her up. I would label her as quite the 'control' freak.

Careful here - lots of the step-moms were never married before and have no children - that doesn't mean that they couldn't make a great step-mom. There are many very different ways to parent. Maybe your daughter has asked for step mom's advice - and you don't like it. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. The advice that I give to my 11 year old step daughter is very different than the advice that her mom gives... ditto for dad. That doesn't make it wrong. Just a different opinion. If your daughter is a fairly mature 11 year old then she will solicit lots of different opinions and draw her own conclusions. If you are labeling step mom a 'control freak' then your daughter is probably feeling your animosity. People are never just one thing. I am sure step mom does some good things too.

Originally Posted by Skipper3

all the rules that were just out of line. Kids need to be kids. In that house there are rigid bed times, how much food to eat...

There are many different styles of parenting. I believe that kids should have a fairly rigid bed time. We definately tell them how much food to eat. Children need a certain amount of sleep and proper nutrition to develope mentally and physically. These are things that a parent is supposed to take care of. I am betting that you don't allow your daughter to go to bed whenever she wants and eat whatever she wants. Otherwise you would have an absolutely exhausted, very unhealthy child. Maybe you should try looking at from a different way. It sounds to me like step mom and dad generally have a stricter home than yours. There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe dad has the same concerns about your home - only reversed. Maybe he is looking at it like you don't care what she eats, she has no regular bedtime etc. Neither of you is completely right or wrong. That being said I think that if you were to ever tell a judge that you want to take time with her dad "because of the 'control' the stepmom was trying to impose plus all the rules that were just out of line." such as a constant bedtime and proper food servings I think that you would look like you have a serious problem yourself.

Originally Posted by Skipper3

I have always taken her to the doctor, dentist, etc. Involved in all of her sports and activities.

Try asking dad if he will take your daughter for her next doctor or dentist appointment. I bet he would say yes. Is he opposed to doing these things - have you ever asked him? Or are you just saying that you are more responsible?

Dad feels that you should be promoting both homes.... YOU SHOULD. What we say when the kids say that they wish that they could stay with us instead of going to moms is "Mommy loves you guys very much and she gets to have her time with you too. We will see you very soon." THE END. If the children were in danger we would question them and find out what is going on - but like your child, there is not danger. If we disagree with what is going on at the other home - we take the adult steps to remedy the situation. This does not involve talking to the children about the other side. I am inclined to think that you don't realize that you are, in fact, turning you daughter against her dad. When you said :Bottom line, one counsellor told my daughter and I not to take it personally. That their insecurities are their own and we are not to take ownership of it." First - How many counsellors does your daughter have? Second - isn't his counselling for your daughter? You have stated that the counsellor told both of you to not take ownership of it." If dad has agreed to go and hear what your daughter has to say in counselling why are you butting in and being counselled at the same time? How is that a fair situation to put dad or daughter in? Now you have a relationship with the counsellor and your daughter and when dad shows up it will be very one-sided. Your counsellor is completely unprofessional or you have misunderstood them.

edit - saw you just posted the anwer to AnarX you can ignore the above about the counsellor

All of that being said your daughter should be able to call you when she wants. Try writing a phone schedule for your daughter to follow and asking the dad's opinion. If he disagrees with it, listen to his reasons why (maybe during meals or activities) and ask that he suggest a time that would be convinient for you and your daughter to speak on the phone.

Good luck with the telephone thing - but I really advise that you take a hard look at everything and make sure that your concerns are really child centred or if you just want more time with your daughter and pushing her a bit too much.

[dadtotheend]

Great post lumpy!

BTW, you can still go into that post and edit it until it is one hour old. Just go back there and delete the stuff about the counselling, rather than append an edit comment thereafter.

You still have 30 minutes...Ready...Set...Go!