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Old 04-13-2010, 05:43 AM
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spiritflower is on a distinguished road
Default This sucks!

I just spent two hours writing out about my 20 year common law marriage that is now over, went to post it and it was lost.

What a waste.

Sorry for the attitude but it took a lot to write that
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2010, 09:04 AM
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Location: Ontario
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Try again!!
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2010, 11:58 AM
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I've been caught by that too - there's some time-out limit for entering posts. For longer posts, I now compose somewhere else then copy/paste into ODF.
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2010, 06:41 AM
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Default Trying again. This is difficult!


Hey guys,
Sorry for the delay in response but divorcing after over 20 years in a ‘common law’ marriage can really suck the life out of someone.
This is a very difficult thing to discuss because I still love this person I am separating from, very much and I am the one who has made the choice to leave.

It has been a sexless partnership of at least the past 12 years that has continued out of convenience more than anything and the end result is that I’ve ultimately been ripped off.

My hubby and I met in 1989 at work where I was a quality control inspector and he was a production manager from an electronic company.
We clashed right away but worked well together so started dating. My first date I asked him on was to accompany me to my brothers wedding.
In January/February he moved in with me and never left. I had a nicely furnished apartment in the city with my own vehicle and had no debt. My credit rating was excellent and I paid my bills on time.
After a swim-a-thon I contracted a virus called gullian barre which temporarily paralyzed me for about 6 months so hubby stayed with me.
He didn’t do any housework or contribute in that sense but he kept me company.
After the 6 month period was over me work forced me out because I was not about to come back part time and instead of applying for long term disability I quit was nothing and began babysitting. The extra stress it would have brought on our relationship wasn’t worth it to me so I chose a different lifestyle for myself. It was refreshing to do something different for a change and I started realizing that my life needed a new direction.
In 1992 we moved up north to the country where I simply LOVED it and hubby got laid off and went into a serious depression. He started working for my parent s to help build their cottage into their retirement home and with the two of us BOTH working, we made ends meet. I started baby-sitting and stuck at that job for 3 years plus. It was a very rewarding experience.
In 1994, hubby got a job at Effem Foods in BoltonOntario where he makes good money and has worked over time for the past 16 years.
I’ve made his lunches, cleaned the house and looked after the property and pets for over 20 years now and never asked for anything in return except to own a house instead of renting one because the one we were presently living in was horrid. Hubby picked it and I resented him for it. In 1994 was also when I started my own business called “***** Gluten – free Baked Goods and sold to health food stores and The TorontoSickKidsHospital to patients with celiac disease and other food intolerances. It was hard work but a labour of love.

In 1995 were moved again to a nicer house in hubby’s drinking became excessive and my questioning him about it was also. The lying was obvious until one night he drank himself into a driving accident and lost an eye. I did not let him back in the house until 6 months later when I went through an emotional breakdown. I was working two jobs and had become anorexic in the process. The stress was too much to bear so we ended up getting back together again. That was in 1996.
The sex life and intimacy he promised he would work on so we had a better relationship BUT it NEVER happened. He promised to see a doctor and whenever I suggested a counselor he got aggressively hostile and refused to go. He bullying tactics got the best of me as I came from a very abusive homelife as a child so was easily dominated by such behaviour and he KNEW IT and gradually started using the same guilt and fear tactics that my parents had done to me as a child so I started becoming co-dependent in a twisted sort of relationship. He was not good with money and I made an effort to correct this so we could purchase a house and he did. Together we saved up enough money for a down-payment to purchase a lot of land and have a house built on it.
We BOTH have our house on the mortgage and I stated that I wanted the mortgage taken directly out of his account in order for me to agree to the joint ownership, ESPECIALLY due to his financial record.
He agreed and our mortgage at the time was about $820 a month back in 1997. Right now it is at $1280 BUT I will have to explain this as this is ALL news to me also.

Over the years he purchased a lot of tools and toys for himself including a LOT of wood-working and carving tools because he is a woodcarver and has made money off of it. I have been his number ONE supporter of this talent of his and have helped contribute most of our money towards this hobby of his which we both decided we would use to help us both retire off of. He also is an avid fisherman and in the summer goes fishing almost every weekend with his friends. He also goes away to visit his parents once a year but yet I begged to have a vacation, even just a cottage retreat which he promised but of course it never happened.
The promise ring where he promised to take care of me forever was short lived and even that was cut off a few years ago due to the excessive weight that was gained after being brutally raped back in 2002. It was reported but I never got the treatment or care I deserved to deal with this life threatening situation and my husband was of little help either nor even seemed to believe that the ordeal even happened which was almost more heart-breaking than the rapes themselves. Counseling was given but it had little effect since I was not taken seriously by many and my lack of trust diminished quickly. It left me emotionally and mentally crippled for years where I lived my life like a recluse and was so out of touch with reality for a while. The fear of just going outside was far too over-whelming for me and this was when I really did not know what happened to our finances because I was literally out of the loop. Hubby took care of all the bills and all the money and since I required next to nothing this seemed to suite him perfectly. The only problem was that a few years ago while in THIS very state he pulled a move on me which to this day I haven’t really forgiven and that was to refinance our house because he was some $40,000 in debt which he happened to hide from me. The reason he said he hid it from me was to protect me!!!!
PROTECT ME??? I felt shell shocked at this point but had to get dressed and ready to go into the bank and sign part of MY HOUSE away while under this type of duress. The disappointment and betrayal I felt at this point in time was unbelievable BUT it didn’t get better, it only got worse. A couple of years ago he came to me and told me that we had to get a second mortgage on our house and I flat out refused.
This man has been ruining his own credit and has then set out to ruin mine. A joint account line of credit was taken out and is being used to help pay off HIS OUTSTANDING DEBTS only because the interest is a lot lower. Meanwhile these new credit cards debts amounting to $25,000 are being quickly paid off while the family’s life has been diminishing to the point of poverty. With the new budget there isn’t even enough to take into account the cost of food or living expenses. This has been going on for far to long which is why I am seeking help from a lawyer.

Since telling my hubby of the decision I have made he has suggested all kinds of things to me including moving out and renting a home, moving in with a male friend or leaving the province , all of which would have literally screwed me over, had I made any of these choices. He then suggested I go to the women’s shelter to seek help for a place to live which all scared me to the point of researching what my rights are. Now that I know what they are I went to a lawyer and she stated what I was entitled to and it looks and sounds sweet. Hubby seems very threatened and is now treating me ever so nice but he is seeing a lawyer today and I haven’t even started any proceedings.

I have all the paperwork I think I need to put in a motion.
Should I make an appointment with my lawyer today and try and serve him before he serves me.

I have form 8A form 13 and 13 - 1
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2010, 06:43 AM
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Posts: 34
spiritflower is on a distinguished road
Question

I have been the housewife who has stayed at home and done all the housework and maintained the property which required a LOT of work. I did not ask for any compensation for this but he promised that he would purchase a house 12 ½ years ago and somehow we owe $170,000 on a $127,000 home. He credit is getting better but he has been paying minimum payments on my outstanding credit which is less than $2000 but we have TWO joint accounts totally about $30,000 which do not seem to be moving much and I am really worried that I am going to be completely bull-dosed over.

My problem is I am an emotionally woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and am extremely naïve and gullible to the point of stupidity when it comes to self preservation.
This man has worked his ass off because he loves money and having all the toys , which he has.
I now have a list of all our assets and even took pictures but somehow the camera went missing. I have searched through the entire house but it is nowhere to be seen and I have a REAL icky feeling about it. He says he didn’t take it but this man is a consistent liar.

I’ve totally loved and trusted this man to a fault and need some help doing what is right for me and my little girls. I still love him but need to now start loving myself and taking care of me.
I have two small dogs which I adore and he has even talked of doggy daycare. The thought of my dogs living a 13 hour day in daycare tears me to pieces and I will not have it. I’m not sure if he is TRYING to break me down but whenever he is around I feel unstable and insecure, which is not a good sign.

How do I proceed from here? He makes about $70,000 to $90,000 a year and I have been a dependent for the past 16 years showing no income on OUR income tax records.

I STILL WANT my home in the country
PLUS my mental sanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately I have a record of depression and PDST.
IS this going to be a problem for me while going through this.



  #6 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2010, 06:48 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 34
spiritflower is on a distinguished road
Default A partial list of our main assets

House Assets

Furniture
Leather love seat
Leather couch
Fabric couch
Fabric chair
Table and chairs
Hutch and cabinet
55 Gallon Aquarium with Cabinet Stand
2 computer desks with chairs
2 Queen sized beds
2 end tables(cabinets)
1 matching dresser
Entertainment Unit
Book stands
Pantry

Technical stuff

2 computers
1 printer
scanner
1 apple mac
xbox
2 televisions
WII entertainment system
Roland keyboard with stand and chair
Other keyboard
100 watt amp
microphone
stereo equipment with speakers
gps location navigator

Vehicles
Echo
Montanna van


Appliances
Washer
2 dryers
2 fridges
1 freezer
dish washer
stove
Air conditioner
Dehumidifier
Microwave

Kitchen appliances
Coffee maker
Toaster
Kettle
Pots and pans
Mixer
Food processor
Slow cooker
iron


Lawn equipment
John Deer tractor with trailer
Snow blower,,,,Murray Ultra 8/27 in.
Rotter tiller
Wood chipper….. Yard machine - 3 in 1 – 5.5 HP woodchipper
Wheelbarrow
2 (push)Lawn mowers
Honda – hydro-static – self propelled mower
Yard Machine – 4.0 HP mower
Shovels. rakes and other garden hand tools
2 Whipper snippers

Lawn furniture
Patio table and chairs with umbrella
Bird houses and feeders
Clematis structures
Trellises
2 bbq’s

Outdoor sports stuff
Canoe – gift from parents
Mountain bike….Pro 757 expert series
Road bike…..gift from parents and brother..Norco..27 yrs. old
2 pair roller blades
2 pair cross country skiis
camping gear …tents, packs and equipment
fishing equipment…. fishing rods, tackle boxes etc
xmas stuff…tree, indoor & outdoor lights, flood lights etc.,

Indoor Fitness Equipment
Solana pacific fitness weight lifting set
Other Olympic equipment
Treadmill
Exercise bicycle


Lighting Equipment
1000 watt
2 x 600 watt
4 (90 watt) l.e.d. lights
100 watt light
dry box

Small Businesses(small dog apparel)
Decked out doggies…..fleece, cotton, assorted fabrics, lace. Ribbons, Velcro and hardware…snaps and loops
3 sewing machines
1 serger

***** Bird carving business

Ram products microtorque II 35,000 r.p.m.
With Foredom SR 110-130 handtool that attaches to foredoom motor
Serial # A000042

Razortip woodburner 10 amp
Razortip – woodburner deluxe
(small curved woodburning spear HD – 5 SC Pen
3 more blades
-set of 53 dremel type tips in white handmade case
- carvings books and castings

Carvings
Woodduck
Bluebird
Cardinal
Evening Grossbeak

Unfinished carvings
2 painted cardinals
2 unpainted cardinals
2 gross beaks
7 chick-a-dees
2 downy woodpeckers
Bluebird
Baltimore Oriole
3 blackbird or robin with beak open
robin
2 tit mouse
3 American Kestrals

Castings
Chick-a-dee
American Kestral
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2010, 06:48 AM
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Posts: 34
spiritflower is on a distinguished road
Default

Woodworking Tools
BLACK & Decker/Craftsmen
5,000 to 30,000 rpm. Rotary tool
Black & Decker cordless drill/driver 10mm
B & D palm sander
B & D firestorm 18 V drill
B & D Router 1 ½ HP 25,000 r.p.m
B & D Raboteuse – 80 mm planer
Black & decker Jig saw variable speed
Black & decker 2 ¼ HP – 7 1/4 circular saw
B & D Craftsmen dremel

Dewalt
Metal grinder 4 ½
¼ - 7/8th
Dewalt 14.4 VXR cordless drill driver
Dewalt 682 Plate joiner
Serial # - 20060949
Dewalt - VSR dry wall screw driver
Serial # 20063249
Dewalt DW 303?
Dewalt – 15A 10,000 r.p.m.
Serial # - 200532 – ct - 100574

Delta 16” variable speed drill/driver

Mastercrafter battery recharger

Makita hammer drill 8450
Serial # 527164G
Makita palm sander

GIFT – 14” bandsaw metal/wood
Serial # - 0770050
Rexon drill press
Serial # 88622
Viking Grinder (250 mm x 125 mm)
Rigid 10 inch TS 3650 table saw – 36 inch table
KING 10 inch radial arm saw
Serial # 01086

SKIL 2 ¼ HP variable speed router
Porter & cable 18 GA Brad nailer
Mastercraft – electric staple gun - for compressor

Rigid Orbital sander – 5 inch R – 2600

2 compressors
Campbell compressor 1 HP – 5 gallon – 125 max p.s.i.
Other?.......................................

Workmate 400 – metal workstand
2 mastercrafter metal work stands

Hand tools
PitBull heavy duty – 25 pcs. Super long hex key set
Mastercraft – 13 pc hex key set
INC – hex key set
Bondus – hex key set – yellow folding case




Valuables

Jewellery – NONE!
Clothes – nothing mentionable

Books….educational
Dvd’s
Cd’s
Pictures
Phones
Cameras
Binoculars

NOTE: Had pic of everything but camera went missing
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2010, 06:55 AM
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Posts: 34
spiritflower is on a distinguished road
Default

I have a degree in Biology and am an avid gardener with thousands of dollars worth in perennials on our property.
Is it fair to dig some of these up to take with me to a new house???
I've spent much of my life building up this house and property to what it is and it is valued at about $250,000.

I know the landscaping never really amounts to much as i am now presently discovering but it really DOES make the atmosphere .

This home was and still is beautiful and i put in a good amount effort to keep it that way.

I feel so scorned that this is viewed as 'too bad.'
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2010, 07:16 AM
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Location: Toronto
Posts: 5,448
Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
Default

Hi,
You're going into a lot of detail, and listing things like his tools etc and all his items like that, I just want to point out that we can't do your separation/divorce for you. We can give you some advice based on our own personal experience only.

For personal experience, I will share that my ex racked up over $50,000 in personal debt on credit cards without telling me, and pretty much wiped out all of our savings. I paid off one of her cards with a bank loan a few years before we split, and she was to pay of the others and get credit counselling. Instead she maxed out the card I had paid, within a year, and hid all of her statements from me. We had no possessions of any value, she had spent it all on lifestyle (restaurants, cell phone bills, etc).

I say all this to point out that as angry and hurt as you feel, who did what to whom will have no effect on the end result of splitting assets. The courts and the Family Law Act already understand that your marriage has failed and they aren't looking for finger pointing. This will all boil down to mathematics.

The income throughout your marriage wasn't shared or joint because you were common law. His belongings (tools etc) are his, yours are yours.

Savings and investments if they were joint, you share them, if they were in your individual names you each keep them. This also goes for debt.

The house, from your story, should be considered joint because it is in both of your names.

I am disturbed that at the very end of your last post you mention "my little girls" but they do not figure into any other part of your story. The children are going to be central to the separation and divorce, they are going to be affected the most by this, not you or your husband. They have a RIGHT to an ongoing relationship with BOTH of you and you mustn't let your personal feelings stand in the way of this, you will only hurt them and hurt your own case. I say this a parent, and every parent here will agree, you have to put their feelings first.

You also need to watch out for language like "my house". It is his home too. They are his kids. This is his life. Everything you own was purchased through his labour. I am not taking sides by saying this, I am pointing out what he and his lawyer will be presenting and it is a fact of life that you have to accept.

Some final personal advice: We don't only marry people's good qualities, we marry the whole person. We have to accept that. Neither of you were perfect and neither of you were blameless. If you walk away from this carrying bitterness and anger, then you are not different from anyone else who divorces, but if you carry that bitterness and anger around with you and never let it go, then you are not hurting him, you are hurting yourself.

It isn't necessary to blame anyone. Just untangle the knot and move on and live the rest of your life.
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2010, 07:37 AM
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Thank you kindly for replying even though I do not share your opinion in the least.

The fact that i am a bitter woman is obvious and yes i do understand that separation is blameless and i am trying to put that part into perspective.

Perhaps the fact that you were burned and it was by a woman has tainted your viewpoints to some extent.

YES it sucks that I did not consider the money HE made as OUR money and that is totally my fault for seeing it this way but I no longer view it this way at all.
Common law marriage in ontario is viewed the same as a regular religious marriage in that the assets are split EQUALLY so that it is FAIR!!

YES it is my fault, just as it was your fault , to put trust where it wasn't earned, but that does not mean it will be divided this way.

I have never been the type of woman to want the big wedding or all the material things but that doesn't mean I do not deserve half of them. Just because he was greedy and selfish enough to squander OUR money does not mean that the court system is not going to take this into account when I seek spousal support.
I am entitled to half the house because the house is also in my name.
If i really was a bitter woman then i woudl be carrying around all kinds of bitterness regarding the people who RAPED me but I happen to have forgiven them.

I can forgive my husband also for this type of betrayal but need some time and space to do so.

I certainly did NOT come to this site to think any of you people could or would help me resolve this issue and only mentioned the house assets just to prove a point about where the money is going. If he is already concealing a profitable business which i HELPED create, then of course I am going to disclose this.
The point that i am mentioned all the assets is to show that this wasn't s short term common law relationship.

I honestly think your own bitterness towards your ex is shining through MORE than anything so although I do appreciate the time you took to write , i do not appreciate the attitude that comes with it.

Anyway,...have a good one all the same.

I will make an appointment with my lawyer today and start the proceedure.

Thanks for the support.


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