StepMom From The Start - A Lil' About Me!

[Maggie82]

I registered on the forum a week ago, and just realized there's an introductions forum! I have been a member of a stepmom forum for several years now, and I have found the support truly amazing. Unfortunately, the ladies there cannot answer my Ontario Family Law questions very well. I'm glad this forum exists. I look forward to coming here to discuss Ontario family law issues.

A quick intro about myself... I'm a stepmom to a six year old boy. I have been in his life since he was born (even before!) His father, my soon-to-be hubby, was never involved with the mother of his son (i.e. a one night stand gone awry) and so the little tyke has been raised in separate homes by separate families since the very beginning. After many years of mediation and legal battles, we finally managed to settle things in court last year. My fiance has joint legal custody, with my stepson's primary residence being with the mother (only due to the distance - 70km - between our home and her current residence with extended family).

Over the past six years, we've felt many frustrations, survived many battles, and overcome countless obstacles. But we're still standing and going strong. Our relationship with "our son" is great. We are both the parents in our home when the little guy is with us, and he has grown to view me as a second mother. (To the bio-mom's dislike, of course, but she has finally stopped bad-mouthing me - progress!)

My integral role in my stepson's upbringing is rare for most stepfamilies, as many believe that step-parents should not be involved (or involved very little) in the caring and upbringing of their stepchild. However, our situation is special. Even the judge at our court hearing stated that this particular child has THREE parents - two biological parents and one stepparent. He urged that all three of us cooperate and communicate, as it is in this child's best interest. Granted, legally, I do not have right to my stepson. But in all non-legal aspects, I am a parent, and more. I am the force that keeps things peaceful (as peaceful as can be) and keeps the communication flowing between my stepson's two families. My fiance and I are a great team together, and he tells me daily how thankful he is, and that he would not be where we are now, if he had to go at it alone. I must say, after several long years of battle (and shed tears) we are in a good spot right now. Hopefully that will not change!

I look forward to receiving your help and advice... and I hope to share some words of wisdom (if I happen to have any) with you as well.

Cheers!
Maggie

[redride]

hi, i have a lot of questions and concerns and i was hoping that someone with true in depth knowledge can help me. first i will have to give my story. after we got married i found out what my husband was truly like. everything he had done or said about himself, was a complete lie. he had no education, no career, did drugs, drank, verbal and physical abuse towards me and our child, etc. however i still remained in this marriage. he left us four years ago, we have been separated since then. i never denied him from seeing our child. he then started a court case against me, saying that he wants joint custody and access to our child, etc. the. end result was that he decided at the end that i will get sole custody of our child, he does not want access to our child and will not pay child support. i agreed to it, i did not want him a part of our child's life because the person he is and what he has done. so we have been separated for four years and i have been raising our child on my own, in everyway possible. i have no idea where he is and don't want to know either. his parents, my in-laws keep harassing and insisting that i file for divorce. if he wants the divorce, why does he not file for it? it sounds fishy, i have a feeling that he does not want to pay for divorce, has demands and god knows what else is on his mind. apparently he is out of the country and not working. i have many concerns and questions, that if i file for divorce, can he demand that i support him financially? or we did not have any assests together, but will he have claim over that? do i have to pay for all the divorce expenses? what is a joint divorce? i need help please.

[Maggie82]

Hello Redride.

I can understand that you do not want to rock the boat. Things seem peaceful in your life right now, and you don't want to make matters worse. However, think about the peace of mind you'd having knowing that you were completely free of your ex, and think about the positive effects child support monies would have on your child.

If I were you, I would file for divorce... and have the papers served via courrier (so that you have a sent/received receipt) to his parents' address. I'm sure they will be able to get a hold of their son, in one way or another.

I'd write a specific and straight-forward agreement, based on the status quo (i.e. your ex has not exercised access to the child for ___ years/months.) I'd ask for the table amounts in child support (something your ex would not be able to dispute) and if you want, ask for spousal support as well. However, if you intend to keep the house and already have the assets (as in your ex hasn't come back demanding them back) then maybe you may want to forgo spousal support and simply put in the agreement that you will simply keep things as they are, and only ask for support payments for your child.

Either way, have you discussed any of this with a lawyer? I think that would be my first step... to have initial consultations with a couple of divorce lawyers, and see what they suggest.

Good luck to you!

Oh, and maybe start your own thread about this in "Divorce Issues" - that way, you'd get a better response. ;-)