Starting From Scratch

[eyeswideopen]

Hello all. I was recommended to this site by a close friend. I haven't been able to spend alot of time reading but have browsed when I could. Quick story on my situation is my wife told me in Feb 2010 she wasn't attracted to me. Then in April 2010 she said she was no longer in love with me. This progressed to long talks, hurt feelings, I've asked her for couples therapy but she declines saying "this is not what I want to do, I want out as I don't love you anymore". We each are in the process of individual counseling but nothing positive has come. We have been married for 15 years with 2 children. Only some family and few close friends know of the situation. Our children don't know anything, unless they have picked up on the coldness in the house.

After some investigation I am fairly certain that my wife is having/had an affair although she denies to this day. I don't have any solid evidence that I could use legally in court. I have only talked to an EAP phone session with Lawyers 2 times, and have talked to friends who have been though this situation. I've been trying to read as much as possible, however it's so overwhelming at times. If you were to ask me what I want to do, I'd tell you couples therapy with my wife as I still love her. I'm sad that the trust is gone but would be most willing to work on the relationship.

My wife is moving forward with searching for a new house as she is prepared to leave me and said I can have our current house if I desire. She has looked at various bank calculators and figures I should be able to afford this one after settling our finances on my current income. My wife makes about 20k more than me. As it's been so long, I don't have much hope on regaining what we had in the past. We're still living in the same house, starting to talk more about what each of us expects. She is anxious to start putting pen to paper to sort things out. She says she thinks I'm still a great dad and she will not file for sole custody. When we've talked we have both expressed that neither of us would settle for less that 50/50 Shared Custody. Despite the current situation when we do work together we get things done efficiently. The kids are our number one priority so I thing that despite her "potential affair" we both feel we could make Shared Custody work for us and the kids. We have an appointment booked with a Children's Services agency to get more information on "how to tell the kids".

So I'm in a position of keeping my lips shut about some of the stuff I do know about her and her potential relationship with another man. Mostly focusing on myself and the kids for the now. I've realized with the help of therapy and some friends wisdom that I can only change myself, not her. I also can't make her decide to choose me. She has mad her own decisions on not telling me her feelings in the past, and potentially deciding to look outside our marriage to find something else, again her choice.

So for now I'm trying to figure out what types of things I should be putting on paper as a list of what I want or expect for our separation. I have asked the EAP lawyers on the phone for guidance and have a list tucked away. I do not have a lawyer of my own yet. My wife and I are talking about working through a mediator to help save costs and stress on our family. I know that I will have to find a lawyer to review documents so that I'm protected. We are both hoping to make this transition as smooth as possible and willing to work together towards that goal.

I do know from many peoples' advice that I WILL NOT MOVE FROM THE HOUSE. I'm being as amicable as I can, finally starting to realize that this separation IS HAPPENING no matter what I try to do. I've been told by my cousin to keep my chin up and try to take the higher ground (for my children). I would be most interested on any information about Shared Custody. I also would like to confirm if it's likely that I'd be receiving Child Support, again my wife makes $20k more than me. I'm in Ontario and from looking at the government website and talking to EAP Lawyers it looks like I should be receiving payment if we go the Shared Custody route.

Sorry for the long intro, I'll probably have to paraphrase this as separate posts down the line. So confused here, but mostly scared of change and being alone, I've never had to live alone before so don't expect times to be good.

[Mess]

Don't be sorry for the long intro, it helps a lot for you to put it all down in a story like that instead of living with the info swirling around in your head.

Legally she could be having sex with five men and a dog and it wouldn't mean a thing. You could file for divorce a little sooner, but you would still have to settle everything with the kids and equalization etc.

Offering you the house seems more than fair on the surface, without knowing your other finances. So it seems she may be acting out of some guilt there? For whatever reason, keep in mind that until a deal is signed and notarized she could change her mind at any time. You are negotiating amicably right now, letting your imagination run wild over possibilities of an affair will not help you in any way, it will just create conflit that will spill over into your financial negotiations.

It takes two people to decide to work on a marriage, I thnk you understand that already. If she wants out, then it is over and it doesn't matter what you want. Keep in mind that you can split everything equitably, deal with custody, talk to the kids, move, settle into your new life, finalize the divorce, and then if she decides to try to work things out with you and for some reason you are willing, you still could. Divorce is divorce but life goes on and there are always new possibilities, either with her or with someone else who will love you properly. I say this because the last thing you should do is allow your emotions to cloud your judgement with these negotiations - easier said than done, I know, but it is important. Craft a sensible deal that protects you, creates a stable situation for you and your children, let her go. Then move along, life does not end there.

[dadtotheend]

Re your child support question, based on shared parenting she would owe you child support but it wouldn't be much since your incomes are close together.

Since your aiming for shared parenting, look up the CS you would owe her if the kids' primary residence was with her. Then do the same as if the kids' primary residence was with you. She owes you the difference.

The tables are here: Federal Child Support Amounts: Simplified Tables

[piggybanktoex]

This is a good example of how it should work.

Each person works. Each person makes roughly the same money. Each person agrees on 50-50 custody. CS should be roughly $10K.

Each person will have a drop in life-style. No one is being bled by the other. It is a separation that will have it's emotional toll no doubt, but will not be compounded by financial crucifixion.

Take the same circumstances, triple the man's salary and you would get a woman fighting for sole custody (higher CS), demanding he pay for her standard of living, quitting her job (for the kids), and demanding his T-4 every year. Worst & cynical case, I agree.

My point is that, in this example(s), why would a person have to give over more than he would if he was making less? His higher wage is not due, it would appear by any sacrifice on her part, he just earns more.

And yes, I'm still upset about the outcome of my divorce, but regardless, why should both sides be equalized. My rich neighbour certainly isn't compelled to share with me because he makes more than I do.

[representingself]

Hey Pig...

WTH did that response have to do with the man's post??

IMHO this person is sincere, and looking for honest advice... not the bitter ramblings of a lunatic...

Just my 2 cents...

[piggybanktoex]

Oh my god,

I may be a pig (I don't really think so though) and I came close to being a lunatic at times during the divorce, but at least I am not particularity rude.

I was making an observation and a point (in my opinion) and not offering advice as such, mainly because, in this case at least, it is a fairly straight-forward deal. Nobody is going to be ruined financially over this divorce unless someone goes crazy with a lawyer and unreal demands.

And as long as we are criticizing posts, your's deserves change for your 2 cents. ; )

[NBDad]

Read this, learn it, follow it.

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...st-links-7706/

Remember, just because things are amicable now, does not mean they will stay that way. Take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your children.

[ConfusedInAB]

OP,

I think I'm a few steps behind you, but on the same track. Except I'm the one that's deciding to call things off. Married for 18 years, 2 kids... I don't think counselling is going to help reconcile things, although I'm hoping that it may help ease the pain of separating. I wish we could keep the house for the kids' sakes, but my wife won't be able to afford it on her income. I also plan on talking to a lawyer about the mediation and/or the collaborative law process. My sister is in the law field in the same province as me, so she's going to see who she can recommend in my area. I'm really hoping we can keep things civil.

Anyway, we'll probably see each other in here...

C

[blinkandimgone]

Originally Posted by representingself

Hey Pig...

*gigglesnort*

I literally LOL'd which was awkward being as I'm at work!

[representingself]

Originally Posted by piggybanktoex

Oh my god, I may be a pig (I don't really think so though) and I came close to being a lunatic at times during the divorce, but at least I am not particularity rude.

BAHAHAHA.... dude... all I did was abbreviate YOUR screen-name!!

If your warped little mind twisted that into a personal attack, then that is your fault!

On a side note... Mr.Eyes, sorry we got a little off topic, no harm intended.

Ohh and Blink... your little giggle just brightened my day!! Thanks for that!