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Old 12-10-2015, 04:07 AM
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Question Sad story over custody and alienation

I've been reading lots of threads since I first registered in last December but now, realizing my case is not going anywhere, I decided to post my story. Since it's very long, I'll stick with the facts and leave the details aside.

I've been separated more than one year ago. From October to April, we were still living in the matr home but in different rooms. I'm a public servant with a good pension and she drive her own daycare at home with a little investment in RESP. I earn double her salary (yes she's coming for SS). We have 3 kids; S15, D13 and D8. When we call it over, I told her that we should move on with our life without prejudices to the children. I reassured the children of the situation and from then, she started a battle. She's fighting for full custody and I'm going for shared custody 50/50. I was doing everything in the house (cleaning, cooking, washing, shoveling, mowing, garbage, groceries, etc... ) taking care of the primary needs of the kids and we were sharing the secondary (swimming courses, gymnastic, dance lesson, cadets, after school activities, etc...) I was working Monday to Friday and was doing her Books for her Daycare including her statement of incomes to file her taxes.

From October 2014, she started to take control over the kids and keeping them away from their father. She always had plans with the kids so I couldn't spend time with them. D13 and D8 would join me downstairs in my room and their mother would call them up for bath time (at 6h30 when normally it's 7h30-8h00) Children would sleep in her room on an air mattress, watch movies instead of using the family room... because I wasn't allowed in the Master Room. It was also kept locked with keys as she started to hide things in her room. S15 would sleep with me as both D's were sleeping with their mother. Had to fight to have time with my children for Christmas (from 4pm on the 26th till the 28th.) Only had the Thursday night during the March Break. When I was asking the kids to do something, they had to ask/verify with their mother. Very hard and frustrating to plan anything with my kids. But I know she is playing something to make me angry and trying to file something against me so I'm keeping calm.

I met someone in February (the 14th) and once she knew, she became worst. S15 was spending more time with me and she hated it. I had an Easter breakfast with my kids and my new friend and family. She was furious. After Easter, I came home early to find her packing stuff with my kids, her uncle and two aunts. It was past 9h30pm and the kids had school the following day. She took my computer away and some other stuff. Call the police who told me to fix this with my lawyer. My friend told me to take my clothes and go at her place for the night. One of her aunt called the police and... they came. In front of the cops, I told her not to change the locks, as I will still come home to take care of the children. The next Friday, the locks were changed.

I called the Police to re-enter my house and spend time with my children. They went inside to speak with my ex and her father. The cops came back saying she had full custody of the house and the kids. I was to leave and not come back or I would be arrested. She had no Court Order to do so but I couldn't argue with the cops... useless. Call my lawyer... useless. I was then without a home, without access to my children. Spend 3 weeks trying to readjust my living and negotiate access with my children. Lawyer's were only playing tags with phones and emails. I only got a couple of hours with my kids on the night of my birthday. She file with CAS for being abusif and violent. (this was later dismissed)

Back to work... my co-workers would ask me how I'm doing and bla bla bla. I was angry, depressed, sad having to go through all this. I told them I feel I could "choke her to death" for what she is doing. Was overheard by my Manager who called the Police. Was arrested. She told the cops (Quebec side) that she wanted to put charges against me. Her statement; for 15 years, she was physically, mentally and emotionally abused (Wow!). Now I'm copping with a criminal file and a family law file at the same time.
It's a real battle to have access with the kids. They always have plans and homeworks. She's working on her status quo I guest. My appartment is to small to accommodate the kids. So I did everything I could to buy a new home with plenty of rooms. But every reasons is good to limit the access to NIL. We had mediation in June but did not reach a settlement as she wanted everything. Was able to move my furnitures in my new home and see my kids for 5 Sundays in a row. They loved it and asked when they could spend an overnight. Since July 26th, I haven't seen them.

I change lawyer as the other one was useless. Nothing was done in August and September to study the file and negotiations started in October. After 3 refusals, I decided to go to court. In November, had the first Case Conference. The female judge didn't like me... with my criminal file. Police report says that I threatened to hurt/kill my wife and the kids. I wanted to show the real statement that says only my ex was the object but the judge oppose to it. Order for CS based on my Off work salary. Can only see my children under supervision at a center but they are 3 months full (so there goes Christmas). Stupid after seeing them in the Summer (what is different now?). Order to have a lawyer for the children. Have to pull several documents from my psy, doctor and work insurance to the other party as ordered for the next 30 days while she has nothing to do on her side but to spend nice time with the kids. No time to discuss the house that I want on the market since last Spring. Must bring the rest in a motion scheduled in February. Debts is pilling up. Hope my criminal file will be dismissed soon with Conditional forgiveness.

I have proof of her being not reasonable, doing parental alienation and restraining the children from seeing their father. Am I still fighting for nothing over a 50/50 custody? I have a good parental plan and always been very closed to my children and implicated in all their activities and developments. She will say that there is no way for any communication between us to make decisions for the children so she can have full custody but at their age, the children can express themselves and communicate their needs to each of their parent so communication between the two of us shouldn't be an issue? Any thoughts or ideas over my drastic story?

Last edited by mafia007; 12-10-2015 at 04:14 AM. Reason: Space between paragraphs
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Old 12-10-2015, 10:03 AM
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take care of the criminal charge first. As long as it is lingering everybody will treat you as a criminal, danger to your kids.
Tell your lawyer that you don't have money to go to the trial over that criminal charge and that you want to settle with the crown prosecutor and in return for dismissing the charge you would accept a 12 month peace bond.
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Old 12-10-2015, 01:21 PM
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Thanks BH,

That's what I asked my criminal lawyer to do. Try to settle with the crown as I'm expecting to show again before Christmas. But as a fact, everything connected to legal always take time and they tend to exaggerate the case even if the incident is far behind and was isolated.
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Old 12-10-2015, 04:25 PM
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You should have been more careful. You were getting setup to make a mistake then the entire machine of criminal and family law could swallow you.

Also, stop asking your ex-wife for things. Go through the legal process, I think you will win the criminal case issue and once you do, you go back for your kids and you use it to your advantage.

I hope you have family and friends to help you out. Its a long ride...
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Old 12-10-2015, 05:47 PM
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I was more than careful. I knew from the start that she would intend anything against me. She first tried with the children by keeping them away from me but right after Christmas, they realized that I wasn't the bad father she was telling them I was. So I kept doing stuff with them as much as I could. Then she tried with CAS. Another failure for her. Even worst, when CAS came, they realized that she was leaving kids unattended in her home daycare while she was waiting at the bus stop for our daughter and a boy from the daycare. CAS had to advise all parents and they all decided to withdrawn their children from the daycare. Now, she has to build a new customer list with bad referrals for sure. She will blame it on me that's a fact. Yes, we have to be careful at work but when you have a discussion with co-workers that you trust and who were in the same situation in the past, the emotions take over all. The Manager who heard part of the says, is on medication and very paranoid.

I stop long time ago asking things from my ex but CAS told me I had to continue trying, it was more important for the kids. Also, my lawyer was rubbing that we need to show the judge that there was negotiations before going in front of trial. We need proof that she is always turning down every demands that I was asking. Then, my new lawyer stated the same. She had to try to settle before proceeding to trial. For me, it was time and money wasting since I've requested to go in front of a judge since April and only went there in late November. And my incident would have not occurred since it happen in May.

I don't have family here. I'm alone fighting against her big family that are actively involved in our separation. There should be a law to protect our interest via separation and restrain them of getting there nose into your things. Separation should be dealt with your ex but not including her whole family. This is why I'm scared that my children will be brainwashed by her family members.

Being said, I'm now focusing on the best way to keep my children on a close relationship with both their parents as much as possible. It was my first thoughts and with all that sh** happening, I'm sticking to my idea. It's in the best interest of the children. I want to show the court that if she cannot turn the page and go on with her life... I can do it on my side. But without seeing the kids, it's very hard on the heart. It's been 5 months already since I last saw them. Sniff... it will be lonely this Christmas... once again.

Hard to be a father in Canada with that Family Law. I guest we are excluded from that law.
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Old 12-10-2015, 06:15 PM
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I was kicked out of my house on 48hrs notice because in Quebec once you file for separation they immediately kick somebody out.

IF you keep it together, things WILL get better. I will guarantee it for you.
Just play the long game. Forget about the fact you don't have your kids now, focus on other stuff, keep building your career and other stuff eventually all the other stuff will settle. You WILL have a relationship with your kids and you will have a new life.

Forget about think how fathers are persecuted, its true - but don't feel sorry for yourself. Instead, focus on beating the system and the way you do it is by standing tall and never consent to anything you don't agree to.
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Old 12-11-2015, 01:53 PM
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I'm sorry about your situation. Yes you have been careful, but not careful enough as you found out you're not safe from saying what you want even at work.

As Link said, keep it together and keep the eye on the big picture. The end result. Don't let anymore incidents occur and always take the high road no matter how it feels. Hopefully you beat the criminal case and then can use it against her in the fight for your children (alienation).

As for her family sticking their nose in your business. Don't let them. Ignore them. They have nothing to do with it and I'm not sure you have any reason to ever need to respond to them unless it's specifically about picking up or dropping of the kids with them for some reason. Don't answer their calls and don't respond to their emails or other msg's. In fact, don't even read them or it'll likely just get you all worked up and you'll make a mistake they'll use against you.
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Old 12-12-2015, 12:01 PM
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Let's say I beat the criminal charge so it's left behind. Am I still expecting too much in seeking shared custody at 50/50? The issue is that I've always been implicated with the kids from diapers to teenage age. I'm the one who was making sure the kids were living in a clean house, had clean clothes to wear, was doing the groceries and cooking all meals. I was participating in any how to their after school activities. Would a simple negative response from the ex saying that we are no longer able to communicate be a good reason to justify that sole custody to her would be in the best interest of the children? To me, it wouldn't make sense since the children have reached an age where they can express themselves and specify their needs to each of their parents. So communication between mom and dad could be leveled to emails and message text exchanges at the most. Any inputs?
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Old 12-12-2015, 01:30 PM
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No I don't think you are expecting too much at all.

A poster on here (childrenandhappy) had somewhat similar situation where Crown dropped charges (ex had set him up) and he currently enjoys 50/50. He hired a good lawyer who simply went to court on Motion. He does not communicate with his ex whatsoever now. All communication is done through lawyer's assistant. He is indeed, with his children and is happy. Perhaps you should send him a private message?

I should add that prior to the separation he worked out-of-town in oilfield and his ex was primary caregiver when he was away working for sometimes 6 - 8 weeks at a time.

Last edited by arabian; 12-12-2015 at 01:33 PM.
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Old 12-12-2015, 02:02 PM
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Arabian:
(A poster on here (childrenandhappy) had somewhat similar situation where Crown dropped charges (ex had set him up) and he currently enjoys 50/50. He hired a good lawyer who simply went to court on Motion. He does not communicate with his ex whatsoever now.)

Thanks Arabian, this is what I've been looking for from the beginning. Once the charge is out of the way, I'll keep pushing for that 50/50 shared custody and I don't care about the communication with the ex as I know there will surely be a condition in the order. Who cares... only my children matters to me from now on.
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