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Old 06-19-2013, 08:32 AM
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Question Please allow me to introduce myself

Hello,

I've been reading many of the topics in here and thought it was time I joined in on the forums. Here's a little bit of my background:

Both myself and STBX are 55
Married for 27 years
One child who is now on his own
MH is paid for
STBX earns approximately 100K
I was/am stay at home housewife, now looking for work

Our story:
STBX was physically violent and was removed from family home. A restraining order was issued and criminal charges have been filed. I have a legal aid lawyer and asked for a separation with the hopes of 'fixing' this marriage if possible?

A judge declared temporary arrangements so that I could remain in the family home until this is settled and some Spousal support of 950 a month.

Ex is angry that I have not dropped the criminal charges, but I tried and the prosecutor still persists. Ex has not worked for 6 months and is now unemployed. My lawyer claims this is deliberate and now support payments have been garnished.

It has been 12 months and this is still not settled. Ex has filed for divorce and wants the house sold ASAP. I am upset because I have requested mediation several times and have been refused. The ex's lawyer is very expensive and seems to want to drag this out for ever ...

I would hope to keep our home as we built it ourselves and have no means or desire to leave it. How can we settle things with this no-contact order?
Both our lawyers seem 'hell-bent' on making a bad situation even worse.

I would really appreciate hearing from those who have similar situations.

Thank you,
Jan
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:50 AM
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Janibel, welcome to the forum. I don't see how you can "fix" this marriage if your husband wants a divorce. He has been physically violent and removed from the family home as well so I think you should not be in denial and accept the marriage as over.

Of course your ex is angry that criminal charges have not been dropped. From what I have read recently, "no Drop" has been in effect for just this purpose... to prevent abused victims from dropping charges.

Your lawyer sounds like he/she is a very good advocate for you and working in your best interests. It seems a major concern for you is selling the family home. This I would recommend you do as it seems to be a major block in the separation/divorce process and can involve huge amounts of funds being spent as a result.

You wanted to hear from people in similar situations. Yes, I am in a similar situation married over 4 decades to a physically, verbally and emotionally abusive spouse, in the process of selling the matrimonial home, obtaining a separation agreement and divorce and moving on with my life.
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Old 06-19-2013, 09:33 AM
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Thank you for responding Caranna,

I know that I'm in denial ... it's the fear of the unknown. As for my lawyer, I have trouble trusting him or anyone else for that matter but I'm working on it.

I'm presently in therapy to help deal with these issues and trying to keep it all together. It takes time ... how does one manage to walk away after several decades?
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Old 06-19-2013, 09:43 AM
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I've just seen your post Janibel. My story is a very long one. PM me if you wish.
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Old 06-19-2013, 10:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
Thank you for responding Caranna,

I know that I'm in denial ... it's the fear of the unknown. As for my lawyer, I have trouble trusting him or anyone else for that matter but I'm working on it.

I'm presently in therapy to help deal with these issues and trying to keep it all together. It takes time ... how does one manage to walk away after several decades?
Jan,

I'm not in your situation, but I've known several people who have been.

Know that even if your husband was 100% committed to changing his life, if he had a long standing pattern of abuse, his chances of success are not at all high. And from what you have said, he doesn't have that committment.

A house is a pile of bricks. You get to keep the memories with you, the good and the bad. In your situation, selling the house is inevitable, unless you have a guardian financial angel to buy him out.

Including the time I spent common law with my ex, it was also two decades. In the end it was the best thing for both of us, but it still hurt. The hurt will fade, and it will still be the best outcome. Focus on that.
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Old 06-19-2013, 10:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
A house is a pile of bricks. You get to keep the memories with you, the good and the bad. In your situation, selling the house is inevitable, unless you have a guardian financial angel to buy him out.
It seems to me that you are doing a fine job of looking after yourself and keeping it together - all things considered - I get the impression of someone pretty resourceful and strong behind your posts (although you might not feel that way now).

Your home probably feels like your fortress right now ... but, DD is right - it is almost 100% certain that you will have to sell the house, since he does have a clear claim on 50% of the value. So if you want to keep it, you will have to get a mortgage for that amount - I'd suggest you go talk to a bank to see what would make this possible i.e. what level of SS and income they would need to see. The more concrete info you have about your options, the more in control you will feel.

I'd guess your household expenses ($3000 property tax, $3000 utilities, $1000 insurance, $500 maintenance) costs you over $600/month? Plus $1000/month to carry a $200k mortgage. So that's over $1600/month ... Is it possible you can rent out a room to bring in an extra $500 or so?

How does that compare to rental costs? If you sell, that will free up a big chunk of $ for your living expenses. And a rental can be much less stressful, and better if you don't have $$ to handle unexpected major repair costs.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:43 PM
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Yes, my home feels like my fortress right now ... but as someone pointed out earlier - it's only bricks and mortar.

Although taxes and maintenance costs are fairly low on my place, I simply won't have the means to hold on to it. Fortunately, the judge awarded me sole ownership until the sale.

Problem is the ex must pay taxes and insurance until then and is hell-bent on doing the opposite.

Are we having fun yet?
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