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Introductions If you're new to the forums, drop by and introduce yourself.

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Old 06-26-2006, 01:44 PM
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Default Not out of the house ..yet

hi everyone....I'm new to the forum,and definitely new to divorce.I'm still at home under the protection of my controlling hubby,but am so trying to get the nerve to do the deed.As soon as I find my way around,I'll post and fill in the details....thanks for listening,and for this site...
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Old 06-26-2006, 02:30 PM
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Hi 2old4this,

Welcome to the forums! We have a lot of members going through some tough situations. We look forward to your posts.

Lindsay
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Old 06-26-2006, 03:23 PM
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Welcome! You'll find a lot of support here
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Old 06-26-2006, 04:00 PM
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2old4this,

welcome to the forum

lv
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Old 06-29-2006, 07:31 AM
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Default Filling in the blanks.............

I've searched for a forum such as this for months,and just by accident,found this one..thank GOD.My husband is a control freak,and since I rarely get out without him,it's hard for me to contact a lawyer,so this is a huge help.In the 1&1/2years that we,ve been in this house,I've gotten away twice without him.I took a few hours to go x-mas shopping(had to argue to go alone),and in April(after 4 days of arguing),I took a week-end to spend with my daughter,who lives 2 hours away.Before I left,I was warned not to spend a lot of money...since I'm back,he's bought 3 pairs of shoes,2 lawn chairs,a lawn mower,another T.V....etc,etc.

My husband,of 31 years, died in 2001..July.
My best friend,(I'll call her Sue),had a brother who lived in another province...(I'll call him Hank)His wife dies in February..2001
Hank & I met about 30 years previous,so we knew each other slightly.I was well acquainted with his family,thru his sister..Sue.

Hank starts calling and chatting with me online,after 3 months pass.
I invited Hank to spend X-mas,so he did that.We were both so lonely,we simply grasped on to each other tightly.....I went back to his province after the holidays.......first big mistake!This was only 5 months from my husbands passing.

Now that I look back on it,that's where he truly took control,and everything was done his way...he was the master.....I was greiving,and I was hoping to die myself somedays.....

During my stay there,Hank sold his home,and we made arrangements for him to move in with me..........mistake #2.The first 1&1/2 years of his living with me,I lost total control of what happened in my life.Looking back now,I know he kept me from my family...my kids...anyone who had influence on me.

The moneys Hank made from his home,were all his.There was not one thing upgraded in my home..Hank loves cars,so he built a huge garage...no more money........ Hard to believe a man could waste $100,000 on a garage..and pavement etc..........

To make this long story short...he wants to control everything...even reads my recipes.....if he doesn't like what's in them,we don't eat it............

In the 5 years we're together,we've had 10 vehicles,including 2 classics.....
3 camping trailers.............he is a FANATIC.........

Enuf said about him.............I need a coffee..........Thanks for reading this,and listening.
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Old 07-01-2006, 06:40 PM
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Hi 2old4this

It sounds like you have no children at home. He is a control freak and a very greedy one at that. Is there any chance you could go to your daughter's for solice and get legal proceedings in place(if that's what you're trying to accomplish). Another alternate is a women's shelter--they will help you with the courts, feed you, house you etc, and you will have your freedom. It may be a far cry from your lifestyle now but freedom and peace of mind is priceless.
If he is not physically abusing you it's a matter of time, statistics saay. Abusers come in different form but they all seem to faollow the same behaviour patterns--isolation, financial abuse, etc.
I wish you well in what you do but be safe and paln b/f jumping into a drstic decision(like telling him you're leaving when you're in house with just the two of you present.
You could do it while you're out together--alots of people around who'd call police if necessary. Be sure to have a plan of some soft.
Hope I could help alittle.
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Old 07-02-2006, 12:00 AM
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Default Internet Safety

2old4this

Careful about using the home computer to find out information on divorce. Your ex may be able to read your posts on this forum as well as check up on any other sites you have visited. I too was married to a control freak, so I have walked in your shoes. Here's some Internet Safety tips.

Internet Safety

Please note that computer use can be monitored by an abuser and is impossible to completely clear. If you are in danger, please use a safer computer.

There are ways that an abuser can access your email and also find out where you have been on the internet. It is impossible to to hide all your tracks.

There are hundreds of ways that computers record everything you do on the Internet.

If you are in danger, please try to use a safer computer that someone abusive does not have direct access, or even remote (hacking) access to. You can go to a public terminal at a library, community center, or domestic violence agency.

The information below provides some ways that you can cover some of your tracks. Please be aware that you cannot cover all your tracks. It is not possible to delete or clear all computer "footprints".

E-MAIL: If an abuser has access to your email account, he or she may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. Be sure to check your "Sent Mail" folder and delete any messages you do not want your abuser to see. If you believe your account is secure, make sure you choose a password he or she will not be able to guess.

If you send an email from a computer you share with someone, make sure that when you click on an email link, the return address on the email is yours. If you are not sure about the return address, it is safer to write an email directly from your account as you usually do and then copy and paste (or type) our email address into the address line.

If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing email messages, they may be printed and saved as evidence of this abuse.

HISTORY/CACHE FILES: If an abuser knows how to read your computer's history or cache file (automatically saved web pages and graphics), he or she may be able to see information you have viewed recently on the Internet. You can clear your history or empty your cache file in your browser's settings.

After you've cleared your history or emptied your cache, you should visit a few "innocent" websites, like your local weather page, a website about kid's activities, a recipe list, or any websites your abuser already knows you routinely visit. This will make it less obvious that you've recently cleared your History or Cache.

Here's how to clear your History/Cache files:

Netscape: Pull down EDIT menu, select PREFERENCES. Click on NAVIGATOR and choose 'CLEAR HISTORY'. Click on Advanced then select Cache. Click on "CLEAR DISK CACHE".

On older versions of Netscape: Pull down OPTIONS menu. Select NETWORK OPTIONS, Select CACHE. Click on "CLEAR DISK CACHE".

Additionally, make sure that the "USE INLINE AUTOCOMPLETE" box is NOT checked. (If checked, this function will complete a partial web address while typing a location in the address bar at the top of the browser.)

Internet Explorer: Open the TOOLS menu, choose INTERNET OPTIONS, then choose the GENERAL tab at the top. In the section called "Temporary Internet Files," click on "Delete Files" to clear your cache. On the same screen, in the section called "History," click on the "Clear History" button to erase your history list. In Internet Explorer, clearing the cache and history will automatically clear the address bar on your browser.

Additionally, make sure that the "USE INLINE AUTOCOMPLETE" box is NOT checked. (If checked, this function will complete a partial web address while typing a location in the address bar at the top of the browser.) Click on the "TOOLS" icon at the top of your Internet Explorer Page, then click on "INTERNET OPTIONS", and then click on the "ADVANCED" tab. About halfway down there is a "USE AUTOCOMPLETE" box that can be checked and unchecked by clicking on it. Make sure it is unchecked.

Additionally, make sure that the "USE INLINE AUTOCOMPLETE" box is NOT checked. (If checked, this function will complete a partial web address while typing a location in the address bar at the top of the browser.)

TEMP FILES: In some cases, your computer will automatically save certain pages in your TEMP folder, which is usually located at c://temp or c://windows/temp. If you view any forms or other PDF files, these will probably be stored in this folder. Be sure to go to this folder and delete any files you do not want your abuser to know you viewed. Sometimes these files are automatically deleted when you turn off and re-start your computer.

NOTE: This information may not completely hide your tracks. Many browser types have features that display recently visited sites. The safest way to find information on the Internet, would be at a computer that your partner cannot access. Try a local domestic violence agency, a local library, a community center, a friend's house, or at work.
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Old 07-04-2006, 12:00 PM
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2old4this is on a distinguished road
Default already thinking...

thank you so much for the help....I have taken as many steps as possible to protect myself online..in this forum...and have gotten the computer set so that no url's at all will show up during my searches.Also have been extremely careful with my mails and leaving tracks of any kind.....I really think if he had found anything,he'd have brought it to my attention by now.I have an e-mail set up that he doesn't have the password to.....as much as I can,I have myself protected.............thanks for caring...it means so much. Not only is the computer set to not save any history,I also have a thing which deletes everything when I've finished using the 'puter.............hopefully,I am safe so not to worry................
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Old 07-04-2006, 04:29 PM
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Default Great Post re: safe net usage, Grace

Might I suggest you copy it to the Domestic Violence forum as well?

2old4this,
I reiterate your thoughts and feelings, both about this wonderful site and the horrors of being controlled and isolated.

One thing I'd like to mention: even though he never actually hit you, the throwing things, isolation, financial issues... these are EMOTIONAL abuse. It's just as harmful as physical abuse, if not more so since you cannot easily prove it.

It's hard to come to terms with calling yourself a victim of abuse. Been there, done that. From the detail in your posts, I am pretty certain you are being abused.

That said, vicitims of domestic abuse can obtain a certificate for free legal advise. Either your local women's shelter OR the Lawyer Referral Service offered by the upper canada law society can provide you with names of lawyers in your geographic area who are familiar with the dynamics of abusive relationships. I encourage you to investigate this option for starters. You can even request lawyers who will accept legal aid, should you qualify.

Here's a link to more info, maintained by the Ontario Women's Directorate.

Best of luck to you!
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Old 08-05-2006, 12:30 AM
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tonight marks the 1 year anniversary, that I called the cops on my dh. He went to jail, I took our boys and went to a women's shelter. He's currently at an AA meeting, celebrating his 1 yr "birthday", for being sober for 1 year. That's what it took for him... he had to go thru treatment, and I stayed with our sons in a shelter for 6 days. He needed that wake up call. Not saying it works for everyone, but I'd finally had enough.... he wasn't mad at all, in fact he's grateful that I did it, says he owes ME his life. We used to fight every day, and most of the nights... I can honestly say we've only had maybe 5 disagreements this past year. OH what a relief that's been.
One of us probably would be dead now, if I didn't turn him in.
Now, we live in the states, so not sure of your Canadian laws, but I hope you do whatever your gut is telling you to do. I'll be thinking of you and your 2 gals.
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