Newly Seperated but still under same roof

[AngieJ]

Hi everyone,

I'm a first time poster to this site, it was referred to me by a friend (you know who you are, Thank You).

A little background info:

Together: 17 years (this June)
Married: 9 Years (this August)
Kids: 2 Boys (5 & 10)

There has been a long history of violence in my marriage, my STBX has a wicked temper, he has never been physically abusive towards me or the children, but when he looses his temper he gets violent, smashing things, punching walls, kicking things, throwing things around, breaking things. He was not only like this with us, but even when he is alone it can happen. My children are now afraid of him. He has been like this since our first year together......but it has become much worse over the years.

I know, I know, I should have ran as far and as fast as I could back then, but I was young and inexperienced, and thought, he'll change, he'll grow up, etc. etc.......and if I had, I would not have my two beautiful sons today! Hind sight is always 20/20.

About two months ago, I told him I was not happy in our marriage, and had not been for a long time, that we needed to get some counselling, he agreed, but from the first appt I could tell he did not want to be there, and the second appt he even got up and left after only 10 minutes (he did not like it when the therapist told me to call the cops if he got violent again). There were about 3 more appts after that, and he always seemed to be negative, and saying that he did not think they were working.

About 4 weeks ago, I told him that I thought we might need to seperate, he of course did not want to, telling me he loves me and promising to get the help he needs (we are now almost 4 weeks later, and he still has not called his doctor).

I recently went away for a course for work (first time in our 17 years together that I have been away), and I had a lot of time to think and to reflect on everything and I came to the realization that I am no longer in love with him, and that this has been the case for some time.

I told him yesterday morning, that I still was not happy, that I was no longer in love and that I wanted a seperation. His immediate response was "ok" (see we discussed this while on the drive into work). Last night was tense, we barely spoke and once the kids were gone to bed we finally talked. Of course I got a barrage of questions, "Why now?, why all of a sudden?, I thought we were gonna try and work things out, Is there someone else?". There is no one else, and I was honest with him about all things, that this is not all of a sudden, that things are not working out ect. He of course blames my friends too, saying that me spending time with my "Man Hater" friends is not helping his cause, which of course is not the case, my friends have never said anything nasty about him at all, that they would be there for me no matter what decision I made, only one friend commented that she did not like the way he was dis-respectful to me all the time. Then he comments that cause all my friends are becoming single that I need to be too, just like when my friends started having kids, I had to have them too. He is angry, I get that.

I have a feeling I am in for a long road ahead of me. We need to stay living together in the same house until it sells for financial reasons, I just hope it does not take long to sell.

Sorry for the long blurb, just wanted to provide a little background. Also want to thank you all for sharing your stories and advice and experiences, I have been reading a lot on the forums over the last couple of days, Thanks!

AngieJ

[Pink]

Hi Angie, I wish you the best of luck in your separation process.
My husband and I were together for 13yrs when I decided this isn't working for me and I don't love him anymore.
We stayed living together for approximately 4 months after I told him I wanted to separate and then I just couldn't take it anymore. He was convinced that there was someone else..which there wasn't. He started checking my cell phone and house phone, calling all numbers that he didnt recognize to see if it was my "lover". Every night was spent discussing our situation a minimum of 2hrs which always resulted in tears and frustration.
I just couldn't take it anymore and told him if he didn't move out, I would take the kids and go stay with my parents if I had to.

1 month after he moved out he started dating his now fiance. Didn't take him long to get over me did it lol
It's been 2.5yrs and the house is still up for sale, not a great market and we can't afford to take much less than we're asking.
My hope for you is that he doesn't drag the kids into the middle like my x did and that your divorce process goes quickly and smoothly. Prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best!

[momof2girls]

So sorry you are going through this but focus at the light at the end of the tunnel.

When my ex and I seperated.. he wanted to remain in the family home and life together.. but only sharing the house. His reasoning.. he wouldn't have to pay support and he could see the kids whenever.

I did a hard thing, and took the kids and moved within a few weeks. Best thing I ever did. Gave me a chance to move on .. start a new life.. that was over 7 years ago and I have never regretted it. Don't get me wrong, it was tough (my younest was only 3 months old when I moved out) but I couldn't face my ex.. (he had cheated more than once). A new place... new memories.. fresh start.

Wish you all the best.

[Mominneed]

Angie, I'm sorry to read about your current situation and hope the process isn't too painful. I don't know how anyone could stay living under the same roof once they know they will separate but my situation was quite difficult. Make sure you protect yourself if your X has been violent. Assuming you're staying in separate rooms so get a lock on your door and keep a phone with you at all times. Some people recommend wearing a tape recorder in case of false accusations - maybe this could help you to prove allegations should they come up. Open your own bank accounts and close joint accounts, credit cards, lines of credit etc to minimize any financial damage. Take your important documents (and your kids documents) to a friends, relatives or in a safety deposit box. Make copies of all your financial documents and take pictures of any valuables in the house.

Separation and divorce are extremely emotional times and although you both need to try to eliminate the conflicts and keep communication open, you need to protect yourself in the unfortunate event that things turn nasty. He doesn't have to know about your preparations unless it directly affects him like the bank stuff. I don't see why he wouldn't be agreeable to closing them all off if you've already discussed the separation. Try to get a separation agreement in place while you are still on good terms.

[Gary M]

Welcome Angie,

Use this forum as a tool. Read until your eyes bleed and then read some more. ALL of the info you need and want is here. There are people here who will help, but who will refuse to acknowledge any of the fluff in your situation. And, have no doubt, the vast majority of stuff that *you* find important is just fluff.

Divorce is an industry and it's nothing more than a business deal. Nobody on the planet (not us, not the lawyers, not a judge) cares what happened before today. Forget it: It's gone. Gone, gone, gone. Yep, you may be right and you may be hurt and you may be scared and, and, and, and.... Boil things away, though, to what "the system" will consider, and you're left with a business deal - nothing more.

Keep that in mind, and you'll come out of this OK. Let your emotions rule, though, and you're doomed to frustration, misery, anger, and all manner of bad things. And these things will give you frown lines and make you die early. Treat your ex like a coworker and deal with the irritants with a businesslike frame of mind and you'll reach the end of the road you are about to travel in relatively good shape.

A quick fact for you to consider: Family law cases are predecided +/- 10% by virtue of statutes, case law, etc., etc. CS, SS, custody, access, pensions, etc., etc., etc., are all done deals unless there are extenuating circumstances. Everybody *thinks* their circumstances are extenuating, but they're really not... Look at Charlie Sheen: The children's crackhead Mom enjoys full custody of their children. Is your ex a child-beating pedophile with a history of hard drug use, who's failed at rehab time and again? I'm gonna guess not. See what I'm getting at?

Do your research, find out what's likely to happen to the money and property, and go with that - because that's what's gonna happen in the end anyway, whether you do it yourselves or spend a fortune on the system.

One last word that I wish people would understand: A lot of people seem to think that they can go in front of a judge and "win." A lot of people seem to think that a judge will vindicate them, deem them righteous, wave a magic wand, and the courtroom will fill with fawns and butterflies. Reality, though, is that a judge will deem you to be an immature asshole that can't sort out your own life... and then the judge will order based on a predetermined formula at which any reasonable adult should have been able to arrive. Don't believe me? Ask Brownstone*

OK, so that wasn't my last word (grin) - my last, last word is this: The path you have chosen is probably going to be tougher than staying married. If you need to be unmarried, suck up the pain and march on. Er, in a businesslike manner.

Cheers!

Gary

P.S. You're welcome.

P.P.S. There are people here who will pat you on the head, tell you what you want to hear, and make you feel better. There are also people here who will smack you in the beak and tell you that you're being stupid, obstinate, unrealistic, greedy, and vindictive. Don't ignore the second group just because they're not saying what you want to hear; chances are that they're saying what you need to hear.

P.P.P.S. Re: Brownstone: BUY THE BOOK. READ THE BOOK. READ IT AGAIN.

[standing on the sidelines]

welcome. I am in the same situation of sharing the house with the stbx. H already has a gf, got her in November and she is welcome to him. I had my lawyer make him an offer for me to buy out his share of house cause he would keep changing his mind on price etc. I am like you and hoping it doesnt take long but I am not sure what his plans are. Its a long road but there is always an end in sight

[AngieJ]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I feel like my head is spinning and not really sure where to start. Getting together with a few friends tonight who have been through this too and am hoping to get some guidance from them on a putting together a seperation agreement.

Again, thanks to everyone who shares on this site. I have found it to be very helpful and encouraging.....there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Angie ;-)

[paris]

All of the advice above is good. And good you're going out... you need to take some time.

Lots of information here on the forums. My best advice about that... after late nights reading as much here as you can... make sure you log out and clear your internet history.