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Old 04-26-2011, 10:26 AM
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Default Newly Separated Military Wife

Hi there. My name is Kayte.

I was (and boy is this is hard to type) married to a man in the Canadian Forces. We met about 11 years ago, back in high school and dated briefly, then broke up for about 5 or 6 years. In the summer of 2007, I found him on Facebook and we met back up, more to catch up than anything. Within a week we were dating, in February of 2008 he proposed to me and then in May of that year I got pregnant with my first daughter. We lived together, obviously, when he decided that, during the recession, that he would follow a dream of his and try to get into the Forces as a way of supporting his family. He made it in back on November 22 2010- 2 week prior to that on November 9th, we got married at city hall. Christmas of that year, we got pregnant again with our second daughter.

Well, he started to train and that's when the marriage started to suffer. I was at home, while he was at base all the time (we had to wait to move up there and we had just recently started to look into housing up where he was). So I raised our toddler, was pregnant and eventually went through our daughter's birth by myself, while he was up on base with very little responsibilities. He would visit when he felt he could afford it.

In early March this year, we got into a fight. when he finally decided to talk to me, he admitted to having tried to commit suicide and going to the doctor's as a precaution. He blamed me for pushing him to the limit, for wearing him down, saying I had all these chances to fix myself (I had, back in September, finally admitted to having post partum depression and getting help) and I wasted each chance. I tried to work on following through, fixing what he kept saying was the problem but finally he said it was over. I even was willing to work on 'us' and me when he told me slept with another woman 2 weeks ago while out with buddies up on base.

I have since admitted to it being over. I'm angry, hurt and sad...in fact I'm a ton of emotions all balled up into one. I'm looking into ways to help me cope, as well advice on how to raise and deal with children through all this. I feel so scared that, while he has this great well-paying career, I am left to start from scratch- I've been a stay-at home mom since Feb of last year and in fact, haven't really worked since prior to getting pregnant with my first.

I am happy to have found this site and hope that I get support and advice that will help through this. I know I'm strong but even the strong need help.
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:45 AM
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Get a counsellor to help you work through all of the emotions you are going through. Start journalling if you can it is a great way to process through everything.

Also get a lawyer to start drafting up a fair separation agreement that legally protects you and the kids.

Now is a time for a support system to be in place so you don't sign things you will later regret.

Best of luck to you through this hard time.
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:24 AM
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For all of us when our marriages failed we all went through different emotional struggles and period of blame, guilt, depression etc.

Reading your post I'd gently suggest you step back from things and try to let go of some of your fear, anger and bitterness to your ex.

You write that he was up on the base with no responsibilities. Someone who is working full time, especially in the army but really anywhere, has plenty of responsibility. And it seems he was doing this to support his family, presumably he was doing this and fulfilling his responsibilities.

I've been a single parent now for almost 4 years and I know it's not easy. It's hard job with no pay and it wears you down at times. But dwelling on blame and bitterness is only going to make the legal situation much much harder. The more you can step away and let go, the easier it is. Divorce should be nothing more than math. It's our emotions that make it complicated and stressful and hurtful and expensive.

Your life will change by looking forward not behind. Look for opportunities and new experience and new possibilities, don't just look back at what went wrong with your ex. Divorce can be horrible, it can also be one of the most positive events that happen in your life, once it is over and you are able to move on.
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:54 AM
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Hello Kayte,

I am a military wife. I have seen this happen so many times and I am so sorry. I can't explain why it happens but it does. Don't blame it on the military or the training though. Not every military man is like this. It takes a certain type of relationship to survive this unique relationship and to keep the home fires burning so to say. Do not blame yourself.

You are still married to him at the current time and are still covered under benefits so please make use of them. Call the MAP asap and st up an appointment to speak with someone as soon as you can. Do not make any sort of decisions until you do. Utalize all the help in the community as well with the MFRC.

If you want numbers send me a personal message.
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Old 05-07-2011, 04:53 PM
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I totally agree with mrsp. Call your local Military Family Resource Centre. They are familiar with the unique issues that arise from being a military member and spouse. This information will NOT be relayed back to his unit. Get yourself better. Good luck and hugs.
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Old 05-07-2011, 10:02 PM
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I know how you feel. My ex husband may as well be military. He is a Civilian Defence Contractor. Left for Afghanistan March 2009. Came home from first rotation in June 2009. 1st wanted a divorce, then didn't. I was willing to give it to him. Anything to make him happy. Well, he wanted the divorce because as soon as he deployed, he met someone on line. Met up with her in June 2009. Right way they are a couple. Fast forward to Februry 2010 and without being separated from me and giving her thousands of dollars, he proposed to her. That was it for me. Only thing is he got to a divorce lawyer first. I hired a bad lawyer, now I have to fix to get a fair settlement and one that he will reliably pay.
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