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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2011, 04:39 PM
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I agree, we can protect our kids the best we can from getting hit by cars, rarely ever does someone set out to run down a child with a car, pedophiles or people with a sexual interest do.

If you discovered child porn on your children's teacher or babysitter's computer would you still be encouraging a relationship between them? There is no difference simply because this man is their father, in fact, IMO, it makes the situation a thousand times worse when something does happen because they don't want to get dad in trouble.
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
the consequences are so high that there is still a resulting risk that needs to be addressed. That doesn't necessarily mean denying the childen access to their father, but it does mean that attention needs to paid to the matter.

Canadamama (nice handle BTW) would never forgive herself if something happened, however unlikely, and she knew ahead of time of a pre-disposition to children but didn't address the risk.

Thanks, dtte. That is an excellent and concise expression of my feelings on this. I DO NOT WANT the girls to be denied access to a loving and natural relationship with their dad. I don't know how to express that any more clearly. That said, I do believe that there is a safety issue which has to be addressed, but if he is refusing to even acknowledge my concerns, I have no authority to impose conditions myself, so I have to seek outside help, and because of the nature of his actions, I am very reluctant to do that. Fortunately I have some time to act with care, as he isn't going to knock on the door tomorrow. I can maintain the status quo for now and support that relationship as much as possible from a distance, while taking a deep breath to decide how to address the concerns I have in a manner that will best meet the best interest of the girls.

Interesting mixed responses on involving CAS. I am very confident that they would have no concerns about the girls being with me. I have rented us a lovely home in a great neighbourhood, we have a very loving, communicative and affectionate relationship, and there is no reason to have any concern about abuse, neglect, or safety. What are the specific concerns about involving CAS that I should be aware of?
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:19 PM
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Blinkandimgone - the difference for me is that if it were a teacher or a babysitter there is not the same kind of deep bond with them that there is with a father - our identity is tied up in our relationships with our parents. This is why we need to protect those relationships as much as possible; unfortunately, it is also why those relationships have the greatest potential to injure us. An assault from a stranger carries nowhere near the sense of betrayal as it does from a parent, and the loss of a superficial relationship does no bring anything like the grief associated with the loss of a parent, which is why I want to preserve as much contact and connection between them as possible without compromising their safety.

More and more I am thinking that CAS is exactly what I need. Without disclosing what I know, I will never be able to protect the girls - there really isn't any other way.
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:26 PM
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I think it's at least worth having the conversation with them, even if it has to be anonymous, to help you in dealing with this situation.

What I would hate to see is him making excuses for his behaviours, you accepting the excuses, learning to justify it and your children in turn justifying it happening because dad was depressed or stressed out or had a bad day.
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:36 PM
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I would agree that CAS may be your best option. I've had a good experience with CAS myself and felt like they were looking out for my child's best interests - they weren't there to help me which is at it should. I think your intuition is telling you that this situation is possibly extremely dangerous. You mentioned emotional abuse - I wonder about this, how serious, was there anything else to it. Abusers are much more likely to sexually abuse their children.

What seems in the best interests of your kids is to have visits with Dad in a safe setting - could you see yourself "supervising" these visits - someone else you would both be comfortable with? Unfortunately, the only way to keep your x from overnight visits is by proving that they wouldn't be safe with him. The cat's going to come out of the bag eventually if you seriously think there's enough risk here and need to stop overnights.

Not an easy decision.....
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Old 02-13-2011, 12:07 PM
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With respect to the OP and my learned friends here, I don't think this is the place to figure out what to do about the porn issue.

Attempting to keep my personal feelings out of it, I feel the need to say that this is an issue for professionals to become involved in and determine appropriate action (assuming, of course, that action is necessary).

The regulars here know more about marriage, divorce, parenting, etc., than I ever will, but I believe that this is an area of life that must never be treated with anything less than 100% professional attention.

I am not suggesting that anything bad is going to happen by vitue of the history described by the OP: That would just be my uninformed opinion. I will, however, offer my somewhat informed opinion that Bad Things almost ALWAYS happen to kids right under our noses. Nobody ever thinks it's going to happen, and when it does everybody expresses shock and surprise... and then the ol' 20/20 hindsight starts tickling everybody involved.

So, please, seek and accept advice on all matters pertaining to your separation, divorce, parenting, rights, etc., here, and avail yourself of any and all support provided. But if you are worried, even a little bit, about potential abuse of your children, please do not leave it to us to sort out for you.

Just my thoughts folks, and they're not worth the electrons burned in committing them to type, but the hair is standing up on the back of my neck.

One small bit of advice for the OP, if you're inclined to accept: I almost stopped reading your post at the very beginning when you inserted the "rolled eyes" smiley right after your suggestion that your ex feels that he's a victim too. Right or wrong, his thoughts are his and are equally valuable. There are three sides to every story and for you to dismiss his with rolled eyes makes me think you petty. It doesn't matter a tinker's damn (whatever that is! LOL) what I think, but you don't want to come across that way during any official proceedings. (Another valueless opinion, to be sure, but I'm waxing philosophical today)

Cheers!

Gary

Last edited by Gary M; 02-13-2011 at 12:09 PM.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 02-13-2011, 12:14 PM
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The more I think about this, the more I am coming to think that the guy needs to be held accountable for his criminal activity.

Beyond the incredibly significant family matters that run the heart of this thread, he was in possession of violent child pornography.

If canadamom does nothing about that, then she is condoning the behaviour. He has already admitted to consuming it. He cannot be allowed to possess that material without consequence.
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Old 02-13-2011, 12:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
The more I think about this, the more I am coming to think that the guy needs to be held accountable for his criminal activity.
I tried SO hard to not say that, and I'm glad that you did.

Cheers!

Gary
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Old 02-13-2011, 01:06 PM
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I agree entirely. This is going to come across as horribly blunt but there isn't really any other way to say it:

He gets sexual gratification watching the rape of a 13 year old girl. She may not be his daughter, but she is someone's daughter who possibly ended up in this situation with someone who started out 'only' viewing the materials as well. If he thinks that is acceptable at what point or would he even step in if someone else was taking advantage of his children?

There are so many facets to this that need to be considered, more than can be done here and far more than I am comfortable even thinking about.
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Old 02-14-2011, 12:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gary M View Post
One small bit of advice for the OP, if you're inclined to accept: I almost stopped reading your post at the very beginning when you inserted the "rolled eyes" smiley right after your suggestion that your ex feels that he's a victim too. Right or wrong, his thoughts are his and are equally valuable. There are three sides to every story and for you to dismiss his with rolled eyes makes me think you petty. It doesn't matter a tinker's damn (whatever that is! LOL) what I think, but you don't want to come across that way during any official proceedings. (Another valueless opinion, to be sure, but I'm waxing philosophical today)

Cheers!

Gary
Thanks Gary and I do hear you - I wasn't really intending to roll eyes, although I was aware of the name of that smiley - I just picked it because I felt that the expression best suited (visually) how I felt - more than the name of the smiley. It was clearly a bad choice, because what you express here, that we both have our own experience of how it was, is in fact exactly how I feel, and one of the great reliefs of separation is that is just doesn't matter anymore. The smiley was intended to indicate a dismissal of the whole debate, rather than a dismissal of just his side.

Thanks for reading on, though, and not giving up on me. I appreciate your words, and I think that you are right about a lot in your post. I AM afraid to make the call that needs to be made. I know it needs to be made, but it really is the last thing I ever wanted. I think that more than anything what I was looking for here was support to help me find the courage to make the call I should have made a year ago.
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