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Old 04-15-2010, 10:06 PM
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Unhappy new & in pain - how do you get past it?

I realize that the majority of questions are in regards to finances, custody, etc...
I too have a head that is spinning with a zillion questions in regards to finances and things but I'm finding it hard to even concentrate on what I need to do, what I need to ask, where I go from here, because of the pain that keeps overwhelming me.
Does anyone have any trick on how to stop your mind from wandering to the loss of not only finances but the loss of dreams, shattered hopes and consuming heartache?
I was with him for near 8 years, living common-law for near six years with the man I believed I would grow old with. We bought a house together, we set up our finances to be able to retire together. I trusted him the whole while he ran around. Not only an affair or two but many, many, many.... from his admittance. He can't remember the exact number (so he says).
How do you get past the betrayal, the cutting pain, the twisted lie after lie after lie? When does your heart stop hurting and you're able to pick up the peices and think clearly?
I'm having a really hard time with this. I have to get it together and find strength or he's going to roll over me like a steam roller. A friend has told me he is being so nice to me now so I won't want to take too much financially. So how do you get past the pain, at least enough to concentrate on what you need to do?
Any ideas?
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Old 04-15-2010, 10:21 PM
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Meh....you go through the phases of mourning: denial, anger/resentment, bargaining, depression and acceptance until one day you realize you don't want someone who makes you feel this way and you really truly ARE ok.

This is a really good article to read:

Coping with a Breakup or Divorce: Moving on After a Relationship Ends

Sending good thoughts for you.
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Old 04-15-2010, 10:24 PM
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It's a very long, hard process and believe me it does get better but it comes with time. Im still having a hard time letting go, but this is what he wants so there is nothing I can do but go on as well.
You need to talk it out, go to support groups, therapy helps and even go out with a few good friends to help get your mind off things at least for awhile.
As far as what to do regarding finances, house, money, wait it out for a bit until you are able to get thru this first toughest part. Don't agree to anything until you are thinking a bit more clearly.
Sure he's going to be nice, and sure your going to be nice back because you are hoping maybe you will get back together.
That's why I say, stay clear of him for now. Give yourself a break. Then come back here and look for answers, start telling your story and you will find alot of great advice here.
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Old 04-15-2010, 10:46 PM
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I won't lie to you, it's a hard road ahead.

Reading your post brought back a whole mess of emotions from my separation. My ex walked out without any explanation, only for me to find out he had met someone almost a year prior but didn't have the gull to say anything to me. I was heartbroken, and felt much the way you just described.

We're now a year later and I still have trouble concentrating and sleeping. I'm lucky if I get a solid 3 hours a night. What did help me was a good friend. Someone that you can spill your guts to, someone that can deal with talking about the same thing over and over (with it consuming your thoughts it's hard not to want to talk about it). But if you've got a friend that can handle it, it's not a bad thing. Get it out! Lucky for me I had a friend that had a knack for calming me down enough to do what needed to be done -- and continues to help and offer support as I enter the court process with the separation.

Another thing that helped me was writing in a journal. It gives you a chance to write down the whole host of emotions you're going through. That journal, and re-reading it from time to time helped me realize that I was far better off without a man that would treat me the way he did, and cheat on me to boot!

It was a long process, and there were times I really didn't know how I'd get through it. I really do feel for you.

If you don't have a good friend to turn to, perhaps consider seeing a counsellor. Being able to talk to a 3rd party that doesn't know you or your ex might help.

Again, I'm a year later and I still have days when I find myself sad or angry for the loss of those same hopes and dreams, to grow old with this man I thought loved me as much as I did him.

I didn't think I'd have the strength to get through the breakup, then the whole separation with lawyers and court, but trust me, YOU WILL FIND THE STRENGTH.

Good Luck -- and most importantly, don't be afraid to ask for help.
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Old 04-15-2010, 10:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Angela06 View Post

Another thing that helped me was writing in a journal. It gives you a chance to write down the whole host of emotions you're going through. That journal, and re-reading it from time to time helped me realize that I was far better off without a man that would treat me the way he did, and cheat on me to boot!


Again, I'm a year later and I still have days when I find myself sad or angry for the loss of those same hopes and dreams, to grow old with this man I thought loved me as much as I Idid him.

I didn't think I'd have the strength to get through the breakup, then the whole separation with lawyers and court, but trust me, YOU WILL FIND THE STRENGTH.

Good Luck -- and most importantly, don't be afraid to ask for help.

The journal does help, it makes you see things in a different light. You will ask yourself, why did I put up with this. I read it from time to time especially when we first separated and all the really stupid things that came out of his mouth. It also allowed me to see when things start to go down hill and I guess I was just so blind to see some of the warning signs...
Well put and it's true, we have all been at the stage you are in now, some worse off then others but we have been able to get stronger and stronger and start putting our needs before theirs. That's going to be the hardest part. I know that was for me. Don't do anything to get him mad, or upset and all the while it was consuming me whole.
I stopped being a door mat and found a voice and am quite proud of myself.
The process has gotten easier, but it's still hard everytime I have to face him

Last edited by tugofwar; 04-15-2010 at 10:57 PM.
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Old 04-15-2010, 11:24 PM
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I feel for you and I understand as well. It is a difficult road but you will find your way and good things do come out of the heartache. Trust this.

My husband also left me and it was at a time I needed him the most. I was devastated and completely taken by surprise. I cried and spoke to whomever would listen but finally went to my doctor and asked for a referral to a specialist to help me deal with the loss. This proved to be the BEST thing for me. The person I saw had a four month waiting list but it was worth the wait. I got to see her every week for an hour and it was covered by OHIP. She was wonderful. Insist on a referral from your family doc and talk it out with the people you love in the meantime. It was a turning point for me and helped me get through the worst of the pain so I could handle the decisions. Please hang in there and know that there are people out there to help you.
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Old 04-16-2010, 12:01 AM
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Thanks to all of you. Although the pain still drips out of my eyes in the form of tears to the point of my eyelids swelling, it is a comfort to know that I am not alone and that others understand.
After all, I should be very angry and upset with him, not crying and depressed.
I think it might get easier (I sure hope it will), once we do not live in the same house any longer. It just kills me knowing he's coming home from work late to see 'her' or one of many 'hers'. I sit in this big lonely house and wonder why, how, and on and on. Perhaps if I didn't know what he was up to all the time, it wouldn't sting as much.
Anyway, thanks so much for the kind words. And I'll pray for peace within those of you that seem to be going through the same sort of emotional torture as I.
Again, thank you for your replies. It's just nice to not feel so damn alone.

Last edited by rustedinnocence; 04-16-2010 at 12:34 AM. Reason: missed words
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:35 AM
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Oh thats not a good feeling, but you will get past it. A big part of the hurt is the feeling of rejection. You may know they aren't good for you, but the being rejected is a bitter pill to swallow, and he has been doing this to you for some time. I recommend counceling honey, and the journal idea to me sounds like a plan as well.
And when you find someone better than that &*&^%%, and you will,you will hold your head high again, and wonder what you ever saw in him.
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Old 04-16-2010, 12:35 PM
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get into counselling. It really does help. If you can't find a good friend or family member who will just LISTEN. You don't need feedback right now, you need support.

I did a LOT of reading on the internet, bought a few self-help books and went through many boxes of tissues. Try to be active, get exercise, fresh air and get out to a movie with a friend. Keep your mind busy with fun things to do, just don't neglect whatever things you need doing. It's quite easy to get wrapped up in the horribleness of the situation, and when you feel like that you have to actively decide to do something to distract yourself.

It's been 9 months and I am just starting to feel "normal" again and ready to live again. I've started to focus on bettering myself and healing. The first 6 months I was just going through the motions, in survival mode. You will get pout of this, but take it one step at a time.
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Old 04-16-2010, 02:49 PM
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Default Worthwhile Read

LOVE: The Awakening
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