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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-12-2010, 01:14 PM
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Quote:
I paid $150k down payment on the house (we both are on title) and there is about 250K equity in it. What is she entitled to?
She is entitled to 50% of the net family income. (Joint Assets - Joint debts)

After the duration of the relationship, you will probably not be able to claim the 150K you put towards it.

You may wish to consult a lawyer or two regarding the common law/spousal support question, as it can vary wildly from province to province.

At a minimum, you want to get a court order for sole custody of the children, and exclusive possession of the matrimonial home. You WILL have to buy her out or sell the home eventually.

You NEED to close/freeze any joint accounts yesterday. Cancel any joint credit cards, get her OFF your car insurance, things like that. Stop paying ANY bills in her name. For any household services (TV, electric, etc) switch them to YOU asap.

Practice RADIO SILENCE. You communicate with her ONLY via email, and even then ONLY about the children's health, education and religious issues.

Eventually you will want to have an income imputted to her (even if it's just minimum wage @ full time hours). She WILL owe you child support if you maintain greater than 61% custody. In this instance, given the documented abuse, you want to request sole custody with supervised access for her, pending successful completion of drug and anger management treatment programs.

If the CCTB is NOT in your name currently, you need to IMMEDIATELY file form RC66 with the CRA to get it changed.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 11-12-2010, 02:00 PM
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I called her (not supposed to talk to her) and told her to go to a local bed and breakfast to get some decent sleep and shower until we could find her a place pending her court date. She stayed about a month there and I paid for everything....lawyer, B&B, groceries, so on.
You had a peace bond (no contact order?) on her and broke it but then wanted the police to enforce the order. You can't have it both ways. That would be the dumb part. I'm sure you weren't intentionally trying to make the situation worse but....
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 11-12-2010, 08:32 PM
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Default peace bond issue

Thanks for your reply but I think there is some confusion here.

When she was arrested, she could not come near the house or me until she answered to her charges in court. It is during this time (about 3 months) that she stayed at the B&B.

Once she agreed to get off the drugs under a program, and I thought this was the only problem, her charges were dropped. I accepted her back home thinking and being reassured by the doctors that she was drug free and OK. BTW, since she came home she has resorted to drinking but never out of control. She was then given a peace bond to be on her best behavior for 1 year at which point her record would be cleared.

However, she was bitter and blamed me for the whole thing saying I lied to police (the kids witnessed the whole thing) and she admitted to being the aggressor and kneeing me in the groin ). Although she didn't really hit (she did contact me) me I snapped and pinned her to the wall to avoid any more attack. As I said, this woman has never pointed a finger at me in 25 years. In fact, I had a relationship with her that was incredible and seemed endless. Most of my friends and family are in shock of the news saying they thought we had the greatest relationship.

Any way, she broke the peace bond when she attacked one of my daughters in July (CA was always involved) but the police did not do anything. When she attacked me again in October, the police were not eager to push the issue again until I threatened to go to the JP and get a restraining order. Then they said they were going to arrest her.

Yes you are correct I had a no contact order and I broke it (she as well) but it was to help as much as I could. I never blamed her for the mess because I don't believe the whole thing was her fault. But, I would have thought that she would never do the assault thing again learning from the first time. Not so.

I think the real problem with her is not being addressed but only the symptoms. She needs medical or psychological help. I have tried more than you can know to fix the relationship but she wants nothing to do with it.
I thought maybe she was fed up with me that I never married her even though we did talk about it, it never happened. On our anniversary of when we met, I bought her an engagement ring and proposed hoping this would help, she only answered,"I don't know what to say". That was the final answer, no yes and no no. The relationship quickly worsened from that moment. This happened only a month or so ago.

I cannot discount the many other possibilities that me may be here; she could have a medical condition causing her to be aggressive and out of character. A tumor, aneurysm, menopause who knows? There could be something life threatening and it is not being diagnosed or even considered. It is her disposition for 25 years that I base this on. I don't believe a person changes this dramatically over night. There is an underlying cause.

If there is something like that and can be cured or addressed didn't want the relationship to end because of something that could have been avoided. Relationship or not, she needs help. Serious help.
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 11-12-2010, 11:32 PM
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Default Reasearch Thyroid Disease and associated mental illness...

Please regard my post seriously.... Your wife may be suffering from mental illness, as a result of her amphetamine use, which could have damaged her Thyroid gland!!!

A little known fact is that the thyroid gland and associated thyroid stimulating hormones can have a profound effect on mental health.

Most people associate "thyroid disease".. with weight gain... but lesser-known, and much more devastating symptoms of thyroid disorders include mental, emotional, psychological, and cognitive disturbances.

Symptoms can vary from extreme depression, suicide (Hypothyroidism), to uncontrollable, violent outbursts...
(ie. Graves Rage/Hyperthyroidism/Thyrotoxic Psychosis)...

Common mental and emotional symptoms of hyperthyroidism can include:
  • Severe anxiety
  • Rapid mood swings
  • Irritability
  • Impatience
  • Hyperactivity and restlessness
  • Periods of fluctuating anxiety and depression"
Many people have been diagnosed with serious mental illnesses, including bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, psychosis, etc... when in fact, they have Thyroid Disease...

It is not common to associate a physical disease with mental disorders.. and the onset of the disease is typically very slow, it can take years to develop symptoms that are severe enough to cause concern....which is why most patients are completely unstable before they are diagnosed...

Couple that with the amphetamine addiction, and you've got a molotov cocktail disguised as your wife!!

I can't even begin to guess at the number of divorces that happen, and are a direct result of Thyroid Disease...

I believe you wife is suffering from a Thyroid disorder, due to your description of her unexplainable changes demeanor.. aggression.. and most importantly, the fact that you have known her for 25 years, and she is deteriorating... This is all very typical of a thyroid patient.

The good news is, is that if she is indeed suffering from Thyroid Disease... it is COMPLETELY TREATABLE... and once her thyroid levels are controlled with medication, she will regain her previous personality, behaviours, mannerisms, etc.

Unfortunately for many, by the time they are diagnosed, and begin treatment.. they have done so much damage their relationships... that it is too late to fix them..

Hopefully, that is not the case here... and if it is, then maybe she can at least save the relationship with her children??

Do some research, read the testimonials of patients and their family members... see how they compare to your situation...

Good Luck!

PS... I believe you still love your wife, which is why you have fought so hard to help her get clean, and supported her after she was criminally charged...

I don't think anyone should tolerate abuse... and I sympathize with you... and I feel for your children.

If your wife is suffering from Thyroid disease, it does not justify her actions... but maybe you will be able to understand them better..
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 11-12-2010, 11:59 PM
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Default Thyroid problem

Wow, I searched forever trying to find long term effects from the amphetamines and found nothing.

Now the thyroid issue!!

Is it possible it is hereditary? Her brother with whom she is living with, has had thyroid surgery.

Thanks for the update!!
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 11-13-2010, 12:17 AM
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Thyroid Disease is most definitely hereditary.. and amphetamine use can be a trigger/aggrivator of the disease...

Knowing her brother has had Thyroid surgery just solidifies my opinion...

She REALLY needs to have her Thyroid checked ASAP... which is just a simple blood test.

I want to stress again, how devastating Thyroid Disease can be... it can truly destroy a person... inside and out! (And yet it's 100% treatable).

Google any of the terms I mentioned previously, (especially Graves Rage)...

Good Luck!
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 11-13-2010, 12:24 AM
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I'm going to pass this on to her brother and see if he does anything positive.

From where I sit, I have no contact with her.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this news.

Wish me luck.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 11-13-2010, 01:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NBDad View Post
At a minimum, you want to get a court order for sole custody of the children, and exclusive possession of the matrimonial home. You WILL have to buy her out or sell the home eventually.

You NEED to close/freeze any joint accounts yesterday. Cancel any joint credit cards, get her OFF your car insurance, things like that. Stop paying ANY bills in her name. For any household services (TV, electric, etc) switch them to YOU asap.

Practice RADIO SILENCE. You communicate with her ONLY via email, and even then ONLY about the children's health, education and religious issues.

Eventually you will want to have an income imputted to her (even if it's just minimum wage @ full time hours). She WILL owe you child support if you maintain greater than 61% custody. In this instance, given the documented abuse, you want to request sole custody with supervised access for her, pending successful completion of drug and anger management treatment programs.

If the CCTB is NOT in your name currently, you need to IMMEDIATELY file form RC66 with the CRA to get it changed.
Hey NB dad!
I have defacto custody now and possesion of the house since she cannot come near here. It will take about 6 months for her to get off the charges.

I tried to get her off the car insurance but the insurance company said they cannot do that without her approval.

Why is there an issue with household bills? I did close joint bank accounts long ago, phone is in my name but hydro is in both as is taxes and mortgage.

What is the CCTB?
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 11-13-2010, 09:07 AM
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CCTB = canadian child tax beneft.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 11-13-2010, 10:34 AM
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Thank you so much for your help and honesty to all. I do see where I may have gone wrong and where I did.

I am really intrigued by the issue of the thyroid disease and passed the info to her brother the surety.

If any one can recommend any other means of getting through to her I would really appreciate it. Contact her lawyer with info? May help her assault charge.

I am trying my best to keep things for my girls as stable as possible. The best outcome would be that their mother gets the help she needs and comes back home. In all, the best for everyone only she cannot realize that.

At my age, 53, it would be difficult to start over and I am in no mood to start dating and introduce new step parents to my daughters from both sides. We were both loving and caring parents and we seldom fought if at all, but certainly never raised our hands to each other or the kids.

I know I need to take the steps to protect myself and my kids as described by NBDad. I have always tried to avoid involving the authorities and taking last resort steps. I believe the relationship could be salvaged, only now it would be much more difficult. Her brother acts more like Yosemite Sam with lawyers rather than trying to help his sister.

Yes I do love her despite the belief I have she may have had some affairs while away. I still want her back and so do the kids. I do not blame her at all and see she fell into this trap not by choice. Its just a sad chain of events.

I promised the kids I would do all I could to grant their wishes; try to get her help and salvage the relationship as well as giving the kids the option of visitation at their discretion.

I did Ok with the visitation but I can't fix the relationship. I did send her a letter through legal counsel offering her the door open if she chose to get help and it was effective. Along with the condition we get marriage counseling. If she did not accept within 15 days, I would pursue custody and terminate the relationship. She replied next day by calling the real estate agent (incidentally her uncle so there is no conflict of interest on my side) and having the price dropped on the house by $30K, of course with my approval.

The house has had little to no action and there has not been a single offer. It was originally listed $90k below market because of the mess and condition. Now its listed ridiculously low and a bargain to a handyman who can clean/fix and flip it.

I don't have any extra real cash except a few $000 and the mortgage is already grossly high but if she is going to walk away from the sale of the house with a mere pittance, I am better off taking on more debt and keeping it.

On the issue of SS, I was able to retire 2 years ago with full pension and if she is going to hit me on my 90K a year salary, I will sign my retirement papers and reduce it to about 40. Not sure what SS amounts I will be looking at either way.

Thanks again to all....
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