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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2012, 12:05 AM
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Sorry but I have to agree with "Frustrated" I raised and nurtured 4 sons and I left my husband of 34 years because I was tired of "nurturing" him. I wanted a husband not another child. Once the boys were grown and left the house I always had one more child who would never grow up.

Even to this day he will not talk to our youngest son 33 yrs old because he knows this son is close to me. What better way to punish me than to not talk to his son.
Are we hurting like he hopes we are. No not at all. Youngest is getting married in September and EX is not invited but everyone else is.

Life's a bitch and then you die...gotta be hell when you die alone or is that "karma"

Ahhh life is good

L ;-)
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Old 07-09-2012, 01:14 PM
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Lorac - my ex is cut of the same cloth... won't talk to our 31 yr old son, instead has girlfriend stalk him at work. Pathetic.

We too have carried on. Certainly not the way I would have envisioned things though.
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Old 07-09-2012, 02:55 PM
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Hello Lorac, thanks for your opinion.

I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out, I hope you were able to overturn every stone towards a reconciliation. It's in the best interest of everyone if you can. But, everyone has a line in the sand and once it's crossed, there is no turning back.

I would suggest that for any relationship to be healthy, there has to be nurturing on both parts. Isn't that one of the most intimate components that contributes to the foundation?

I don't see the relationship between nurturing and your ex's lack of contact with the kids. Could there be another issue here?

I don't look at life being a 'bitch and then you die' at all. I made mistakes which I will carry with me until I die. But, I'm learning in many ways, to be a better person either alone or with someone special. And, I will continue to exceed at my fatherly responsibilities; I have a fantastic relationship with my kids.

I would say life is full of many things, both positive and negative. We embrace the positive, struggle through the negative.
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Old 07-09-2012, 03:08 PM
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Hello "Frustrated with Ex" and thanks for your opinion.

I never said it was "her job to make me feel better". I referred to nurturung and being nurtured.

I know for me as an adult, and when I was married, I loved nurturing and wanted to be nurtured. There was a huge an imbalance the complexity of which goes beyond the scope of this forum. But, I feel it's an integral component to the success of a relationship.

Indeed, there was plenty of work for BOTH of us to do. I don't blame her for anything. I blame myself for going outside the marriage. But, you can only say that so many times. At some point, a professional will say, OK, you've said that enough. Now if you want, lets look at the reasons why it happened. This is integral for reconciliation. If reconciliation is not an option and you are going your seperate ways, the discovery process should only be done to help you move forward. It's not meant to reinforce a position you might have while you were in the relationship.

Keep in mind that there are many aspects that contribute to the end of a marriage, not just infidelity and they can cause just as much hurt. Plenty of marriages end over many other issues.

I would EXPECT that she would have her side of the story, which is equally as important as mine. After all, there were 2 of us in this relationship. It's not "rationale", it's empathy and validation of how someone feels.
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Old 07-10-2012, 08:08 AM
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1. I'm not usually sarcastic in any way shape or form but....
2. And your reason for straying outside the marriage would be "my wife doesn't understand me?
3. As far as "nurturing" the Oxford Dictionary defines it as "care for and protect a child or young plant so that it will grow and develop." So I guess what I'm trying to say or perhaps I already said it "I was tired of nurturing him" did I say "I raised and nurtured 4 sons into adulthood"
4. What part of not growing up did I miss in my post.
5. Don't use psychology on me, or reverse psychology, or twist things around to your advantage...I'm not a game player. I can talk, verbalize, articulate, vocalize with the best of them or I can swear like a fucking trucker, choose your poison.
6. After 35 years of marriage compared to your 12 you're telling me, I hope you turned over every stone to save this marriage WTF

Last edited by Lorac; 07-10-2012 at 08:32 AM.
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Old 07-10-2012, 12:48 PM
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I certainly did not turn over every stone to save my marriage - I was unable to due to the interference of the new person in my ex's life. Cest la vie. Much happier now anyhow. Kind of relieved to know I won't be having to replace his bed pans through his old age.

I believe that going outside the marriage is a symptom/reaction of something else that is wrong with the relationship. You can spend time and money on finding out everyone's short comings but is it worth it? Don't think so. At some point you have to just accept it for what it is, measure up the pros and cons of staying in the relationship, and finally move on.
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Old 07-11-2012, 09:37 AM
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I find that Dr. Phil has a very good website packed with invaluable, easy to read and comprehensible information. One topic is 'Facts to consider before a divorce'. Under this topic is a bullet list of things to consider due to the severity and impact of the decision to do so. He talks about turning over every stone before making that decision.

I empathize with you in that I too, had someone "interfering" with my ability to do so. This was MY own doing and MY choice. Not to say it was the right one. But I was more aware of what COULD be done than ever before because of the information I'd discovered in speaking with professionals, reading their books and open minded friends/colleagues.

The counselor I've been seeing has been helping me with the concepts of fact vs. hypothetical. After she said she wanted a divorce, we remained (moving end of July) in the matrimonial home as we worked through what needed to be done. There were plenty of times when there what I thought, "mixed signals" but none were verbalized or clarified. I found out that "had I done this or had I done that" ie: ceased contact, proved to her that I wanted us, and so on, that PERHAPS there was a chance we could get back together. PERHAPS. The problem with hypothetical is that it doesn't end, you can debate it infinitely. He explains, we must deal with facts and your marriage was finalized the day she asked for a divorce. After that, BOTH were free to do what you wanted.

As I continue to get counselling, I learn about more "rocks" that represent potential. It frustrates me that we'll never be able to look under them because thre is so much at stake. But the fact is that we won't be able to. The decision was made, the wheels put in motion and what foundation we may have had (which was an issue in our marriage from the onset) has been all but destroyed.

So, like you, I ask "Is it worth it?" Only you knew the answer and you made a decision. You say it's for the better which is obviously a good thing! Hopefully you have found peace and happiness. For me, I'm not so sure. And I don't know if I ever will. Then again, my decision was made for me. I know I will carry this for life.
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Old 07-11-2012, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ehbe1036 View Post
After she said she wanted a divorce, we remained (moving end of July) in the matrimonial home as we worked through what needed to be done. There were plenty of times when there what I thought, "mixed signals" but none were verbalized or clarified.
I find that, after continuing to remain "friends" with my ex, sometimes I lose track of what happened between us and react to him by sheer force of habit. It doesn't mean I want to get back together or anything of the sort. Any mixed signals you think you sense are probably from your desire to be forgiven.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ehbe1036 View Post
Then again, my decision was made for me. I know I will carry this for life.
Bull. The decision was not made for you, by either her lack of nurturing or her request for a divorce. You made the decision the day you chose to touch another woman. At the top of your post you acknowledge it was your choice but by the bottom you are back to shifting blame elsewhere. You may talk the talk of accepting responsibility, but you have a lot more therapy before you walk the walk.

ETA: my psychobabble on your situation

From the glimpses into your marriage you have provided, it sounds like you married a woman who wasn't compatible with you in the first place. You married her because she was hot and you thought she'd be a good mother, when really you wanted someone to mother you. Forget about self-analysis; how about getting to know more about the person you are dating next time. Or stick to casual sex and hire a nice housekeeper.

Last edited by Rioe; 07-11-2012 at 11:06 AM.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 07-11-2012, 11:27 AM
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ehbe - you sound like you are wallowing in a self-pity now. This will serve you no purpose and will only impede your emergence into your new life. At some point you have to put the past behind you and move on. Accept the mistakes that were made and get a move on.

I have a friend who has been reading self-help books for over 20 yrs now. She has learned some key phrases to express herself when communicating with others but aside from that the benefit, as I can see it, is absolutely zilch. Leave the psychobabble alone and focus on some reality-based activities. This may be difficult at first because your ego is still trying to adjust to the fact that you were indeed dumped.

On one of the very rare occasions that I have spoken to my ex's new partner since we split up 3 yrs ago she did say that she had suggested my ex get counselling. I found that quite interesting, but not surprising, to know that my ex's pity-party issues have obviously carried over into his new relationship.

Yes things are better for me in many ways. However, it took me several years to fully realize it as I too was stuck in "memory lane" and am only now slowly emerging into my new life.

If you have difficulties moving on and letting go then I would suggest you get some volunteer work and help those who are less fortunate. Shifting the "me me" focus of your life would be a good step in moving on.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 07-11-2012, 11:31 AM
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Thanks for your opinion.

The "mixed signals" I speak of are more complex than what I've stated in my post. Your assessment of our marriage is correct, it's only a glimpse.

I acknowledge wanting forgiveness. Although being forgiven, or wanting forgiveness may help with the guilt, it never takes it away.

I didn't have a choice in her decision to want a divorce. I did have a role in our marriage coming to that. As did she. Big difference. I have plenty of examples in our marriage that have caused others to want and get a divorce, I chose to stay hoping things would get better even after communicating my "beefs", and putting in the effort to resolve.

Just so it's clear, the only blame I've ever referred to is blaming myself for going outside the marriage. This was not her fault. She didn't make me do it.
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