Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Introductions

Introductions If you're new to the forums, drop by and introduce yourself.

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2012, 10:46 AM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 19
ehbe1036 is on a distinguished road
Default New member intro...

Hello,

After almost 12 years of marriage I never thought I'd be joining this site, but here I am. Everyone has a story, most want to know, some pass judgment and others don't. As a result of my actions, I am now a single dad with 3 beautiful children, 2 boys, 12 and 10, and my princess although far from it, who is 4. So what happened? Ultimately the end was because I cheated. I had a long lasting affair. I find it easiest on me if I just say it like it is, it's a double edged sword anyway. If I tell people, more people know, there is more embarrassment and humiliation but if I don't I'm deemed a coward for not taking responsibility for what I did.

I take some solace in the counselling I've had and the meaningful books I've read to help me through this paradigm shift in knowing that yes, although my actions caused the end, the complexity of the 'issues' that may or may not have contributed to it, are varied and run deep. I've explored my childhood, upbringing and experiences that contributed to my mould. I explored the full spectrum of issues in my marriage that caused me to build these walls a mile high, composed of anger and resentment which I now have to overcome in order to move forward. And, I'll continue exploration to try and make myself a better person and continue to exceed as being a loving and dedicated dad.

I don't want to air dirty laundry, this needs to be done between me and my ex; probably will never happen in the way it should and really serves no purpose unless we are trying to reconcile. Some say everything happens for a reason. God, if there is one, has a plan. In my line of work, I've seen some pretty horrible things and can't understand why god would want anyone to suffer these things. I believe there are reasons why things happen. Dr. Phil says, no matter how flat the pancake, there is always another side.

We've sold the house we worked so hard to create, the deep rooted family we once had is now fractured, the marriage we once had, now broken and I'm realizing that being a single dad is not cool. Aging parents, few family members and severed friendships not to mention now being alone with the rest of it: lifelong financial commitments different from the objectives I had, back in the dating scene when all I wanted was a wife that would fulfill my basic needs. I was told by another woman, guys are pretty simple: they want to be fucked, fed and appreciated from time to time and in most cases you'll live a happy life.

I married a beautiful woman, a model in fact, with many endearing qualities. She nurtures our children, but lacked the ability to nurture me somwthing i was starved of in childhood and desired as an adult. In counselling when I let her have it, I was appalled when her response to my beefs were 'I guess I'm just old fashioned, I just expected to be taken care of'. Again, I don't want to air dirty laundry; she has her side to tell.

A brief intro to a story I feel is becoming a broken record. Filled with sadness, guilt, fear, uncertainty and all the other negatives, I do realize there are positives in all this.

I cheated. Im to blame. I am and will be forever sorry. My ex didnt deserve this, my family and friends didnt deserve this. I was unhappy and in seeking happiness made things worse. But I'm reconstructing!

Last edited by ehbe1036; 07-07-2012 at 10:51 AM. Reason: Add the most important comment
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2012, 10:55 AM
blinkandimgone's Avatar
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Lucknow
Posts: 5,175
blinkandimgone has a spectacular aura aboutblinkandimgone has a spectacular aura aboutblinkandimgone has a spectacular aura about
Default

Welcome! I hope that helps for you to get it off your chest
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2012, 11:00 AM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 19
ehbe1036 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thank you! On another note, I'd welcome suggestions for support groups and/or ideas to help a single dad with 3 kids along the way in reestablishing ourselves!
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2012, 11:31 AM
billm's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,430
billm is on a distinguished road
Default

Well written and honest.

You are very self aware and that is good.

Your wife deserved better, she was being herself, you were being dishonest, there is a difference. You didn't owe it to your wife to remain in a marriage that does not work for you, but you did owe it to her to be in the marriage, and you were not.

You seem to be growing as a result of this, which will be good for you and your kids.

If you stay on your path, you will be happy and content once again.

Welcome
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2012, 11:47 AM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,854
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

Welcome to the forum. Getting connected is a good start to your new life.

I hope you have a clean break with little litigation.
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2012, 01:36 PM
hadenough's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,468
hadenough is on a distinguished road
Default

Welcome. You are very honest and self aware. (Sounds like something straight out of a fortune cookie!) BUT: Some people spend a lifetime being neither. We all make mistakes. Some of us, big ones. You have lost a lot, but you are gaining in other areas. I try to believe there's a "reason" for most everything too. Often, I just don't know what the "reasons" are. Onward and upward. Your candor is rather rare, I think. Seeking support with honesty I believe will see that you find it.
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2012, 03:22 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 19
ehbe1036 is on a distinguished road
Default A few thoughts

Billm,

Thanks for your opinion. One thing I've learned from my experiences is that we must be empathetic and have the ability to validate another's feelings and emotions. After all and if for no other reason, we are all human beings and being able to do so in a relationship is imperative to it's success! Certainly no one has the right to tell another how to think or feel, we all do these things differently. In a relationship we know that establishing common ground leads to success and fortifies the strength of that relationship.

As I go through this, I am careful to avoid using absolutes. These situations are sometimes, beyond comprehension in terms of complexity. To say my wife was being herself and I was being dishonest seems to minimize this complexity although I suspect it is not your intention to do so. We only see the tip of an iceberg.

This is why books like "After the Affair" By Dr. Janis Springs and "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Susan Johnson are international bestsellers and books like "How to Deal with a Narcisstic Spouse in a Seperation" are not.

We all do the best we can, regardless of the situation.
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2012, 03:41 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,035
Berner_Faith will become famous soon enough
Default

Welcome and good for you! I am sure it was not easy to tell the truth to complete strangers, however some times it is easier to tell strangers than tell those you care about. Why your marriage ended is really no ones business, seeing as we have no fault divorce, but by being so honest and open, you are going to find the responses you get are going to be more sincere and straight forward.

Welcome once again to the forum... I hope you find the advice you are seeking!
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2012, 10:16 PM
AngieJ's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Embrun, Ontario
Posts: 110
AngieJ is on a distinguished road
Default

Welcome to the forum!

I must say your honesty is appreciated. I was also happy to read that you are seeking the help that you feel you need, this will help you heal as well as move forward in your relationship with your children.

You will find a great deal of helpful people on this site, who will always be very open and honest with you in their opinions and won't sugar coat it for you! This in the long run, is a blessing......you will hear what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

Good luck
Angie
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 07-08-2012, 02:05 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 504
frustratedwithex is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ehbe1036 View Post
I married a beautiful woman, a model in fact, with many endearing qualities. She nurtures our children, but lacked the ability to nurture me somwthing i was starved of in childhood and desired as an adult. In counselling when I let her have it, I was appalled when her response to my beefs were 'I guess I'm just old fashioned, I just expected to be taken care of'. Again, I don't want to air dirty laundry; she has her side to tell
It was not her job to make you feel better.

If you didn't feel nurtured in childhood, it is up to you to fix it.

Expecting someone else to fix whats broken is not taking responsibility for yourself. You 'let her have it' in counselling and then expected things to change without changing yourself. How did the counsellor help you? Did they let you pass the blame to her? Because it sounds like you are still blaming her.

You type an eloquent story, but I would like to know what she would say if she read this.

You ended your marriage long before it was officially over by having a long lasting affair. Anyone in a relationship deserves better than that, including your mistress.

I wish you well in your journey.

And no, I wasn't cheated on, just heard this sort of rational for hurtful behaviour way too many times.
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Intro... plonk Introductions 11 07-10-2012 02:25 AM
Help for a Family Member DunnMom Divorce & Family Law 6 03-07-2012 09:09 AM
new here...pls be gentle! :) caro46 Introductions 9 08-11-2011 02:49 PM
New to the forum, intro and brief history jezabelmom Introductions 2 11-18-2010 06:26 PM
On behalf of new member "oopps" FL_Needs_To_Change Divorce & Family Law 4 03-27-2008 02:46 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:54 PM.