New - and lost

[lilspinx]

Originally Posted by confusedguy

love this!

Not sure why you would love that ... if you loved your wife. No doubt your thoughts are all over the place. I think if it was me, I would be devastated, and heartbroken and would want to take my time and absorb everything including talking to my spouse and seeking her perspective.

Affairs happen but seems like at one time she loved you, and with that in mind, maybe there is hope that your marriage can be rescued. Definitely, looks like your relationship is worthwhile saving.

[cantbreathe]

Just to let people know we are trying to work things out. She says it started as a silly game that got out of hand, that it was exciting, etc. She says she loves me, and is extremely sorry. I have to hope that's true. We will be seeing a marriage counsellor. recommendations?

[TLCRN]

Okay guys: does this make anyone feel any better; stastic says:
-the rate of men cheating is higher than woman.
-22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.
-14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.
-Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.
-70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses' extramarital activity.
-22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past.
I know there are a lot of statistics out there, you all have to find the one who suits you best!
Seriously, I am sorry to hear Canbreathe about your situation, it's never easy but look at the big picture before making any decisions. A lot of woman and men have cheated on each other and are still together, it's too easy these days to give up on a marriage, and one is never prepared for what is to come when it comes to "Family Court".

[fieldgrey]

Originally Posted by cantbreathe

Just to let people know we are trying to work things out. She says it started as a silly game that got out of hand, that it was exciting, etc. She says she loves me, and is extremely sorry. I have to hope that's true. We will be seeing a marriage counsellor. recommendations?

Get it all out in marriage counselling to see if you both want to, and can, make it work. In this moment trust is going to be very difficult for you to give, and hopefully you have a very good friend or family member to support your need to sort through your feelings outside of counselling. Having been through some counselling, I think the matter of trust is going to be something you'll want to address early on as it creates the foundation for other honest discussions.

Best of luck with this.

FG

[Rioe]

My ex and I tried counselling after his affair came to light. It was very hard. He basically put his fingers in his ears and "la la lad" at the psychologist, who was saying things that my ex didn't want to hear. Things like "a marriage can't heal until you get the third person out of the situation." That's pretty much the starting point, at which you'll realize fairly early on if things are going to work or not. If your wife is willing to cut the other man out of her life entirely to focus on the marriage, then there's hope. She's also going to have to work very hard to regain your trust.

There's a book called After the Affair by Janis Spring, that's full of suggestions, advice, tips, what not, for how to proceed with healing. It was painful how accurate I found it for identifying my churning feelings, and giving me insight into my ex's actions. My ex refused to read it, another sign of how things were headed. Hopefully things go differently for you!

[Epona]

I second what Tayken, winterwolf7, Rioe and Pursuinghappiness wrote! :-)
Hope you and your wife are able to mend the tear. Things won't be the same -- Good Luck :-)

[karmaseeker]

I am glad to hear you are in counselling. This is all new and there will be a full spectrum of emotions that surface over the next few months. I would recommend journaling. 1/ this gives you a release to be able to work through your own reactions and 2/ it documents it.

I would proceed with caution. Yes, one side of you will want it to work and the other side will have experienced a breech in trust so large there will be skepticism. This can be healthy - use it to fuel you in getting educated on the what if scenarios.

Best of luck to you and I am sorry you are experiencing this.

[AnarX]

Originally Posted by cantbreathe

Just to let people know we are trying to work things out. She says it started as a silly game that got out of hand, that it was exciting, etc. She says she loves me, and is extremely sorry. I have to hope that's true. We will be seeing a marriage counsellor. recommendations?

Hope is your enemy. Call a divorce lawyer now.

In June 2012, you will wish you had started divorce proceedings now.