New - and lost

[cantbreathe]

Hi,

Just found out yesterday that my wife is having an affair, totally accidentally was not looking for info - just fixing her computer. Emails confirm a physical relationship. The shock was so great I literally could not breathe and had to lie down on the floor. My wife was not around so i had time to absorb the blow. I have not confronted her with the info. It seems that many people at work and many of her friends know about the relationship based on emails. I started researching and thinking of next steps. Found this site. Don't know if I should confront her or take other steps first. I have bought a PVR and moved some documents to a locker (all my pre marriage asset information). I have not phoned a lawyer and I am not sure where to start getting one. Lots of sites listing lawyers - how do I know if their good? Should I contact the wife of the man she is having the affair with to let her know too? It is a work affair but I have met the wife.

My situation: 7 years married Lived together for 2 years before that. 2 kids still young. Both employed. My earnings are almost double hers, but she makes a decent wages.

[Tayken]

Originally Posted by cantbreathe

Hi,

Just found out yesterday that my wife is having an affair, totally accidentally was not looking for info - just fixing her computer. Emails confirm a physical relationship. The shock was so great I literally could not breathe and had to lie down on the floor. My wife was not around so i had time to absorb the blow. I have not confronted her with the info. It seems that many people at work and many of her friends know about the relationship based on emails. I started researching and thinking of next steps. Found this site. Don't know if I should confront her or take other steps first. I have bought a PVR and moved some documents to a locker (all my pre marriage asset information). I have not phoned a lawyer and I am not sure where to start getting one. Lots of sites listing lawyers - how do I know if their good? Should I contact the wife of the man she is having the affair with to let her know too? It is a work affair but I have met the wife.

My situation: 7 years married Lived together for 2 years before that. 2 kids still young. Both employed. My earnings are almost double hers, but she makes a decent wages.

1) All is not lost. You can save your marriage. There are great books out there on the subject.

2) Did you get copies of the emails? If not, get them. Forward them and delete them from the sent message box.

3) The affair is not your fault. If she blames you for the affair it is actually a recognized form of abuse.

4) Don't worry about young children or your salary at this point. Worry about your relationship.

5) Don't confront the guy. It isn't worth your time. He knows your wife is married and is probably a slime ball.

6) It doesn't have to end in divorce unless one of you wants it that way.

Good luck!

[winterwolf7]

Many people here will tell you: Don't proceed with separation and divorce. Avoid it at almost any cost! It will destroy your life for years to come and possibly forever. If your marriage can be saved and both people want to work on it, it is worth doing. Divorce is NOT the easy way out you might think it is. I'm sorry you had to learn this awful thing about the woman you love.

[Rioe]

Not to be any more of a downer, but his life has already been destroyed. It's up to him how he wants to try to rebuild it, and the first step is to find out if his wife wants to participate.

No, he shouldn't proceed automatically to separation and divorce, and yes, it is a nasty process, but from his description, it sounds like his wife has been wilfully betraying and deceiving him for some time now. That's hard to recover from, and speaking from experience, she's going to have to want it 110% or it won't work.

But as in all things, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Don't just safeguard your documentation, make copies of hers too.

Good luck, it's awful, and you're not alone. Focus on your children right now. Their life is about to change, and they will need one stable parent. And that might not be your wife, once you have 'the talk.'

[billm]

I feel for you, that must really hurt.

Read as much here as you can especially concerning separation 'rules' - don't leave the home, don't give up equal access (50/50) to the kids when you do separate, if you are not doing as much with the kids as her, start.

You will eventually need a lawyer - make sure YOU control the lawyer and not the other way around, and hopefully your wife will too.

Separation should be simple - split everything (all debts/assets/retirement) 50/50 (excluding perhaps some things brought into marriage - read about that here), CS will use 'the offset method' and adjusted yearly based on income. If you can buy her out of the house then do that (why should you be the one to move?). Really, the only negotiating point is spousal support, you can use SSAG or whatever you agree to (if she is working hopefully she won't want any).

Be prepared to lock down access to any asset or debt that can be accessed without your consent.

As for saving your marriage, that would of course be great, BUT the odds are against you. For me, if my wife cheated on me, I would want her to do the heavy lifting to save the marriage in order for me to feel she is worthy. That is not likely given that she is sleeping with someone else. But if you can muster the strength, don't lose yourself trying to win her back - she is the one that should be doing that. Don't beg, don't let her blame you, etc. Some marriage/individual counselling may help you quite a bit.

Divorce can suck - no matter what though you are in for a rough ride AND as hard as it is to believe (I hated when people told me this), you will be happy again and there are lots of women out there that will truly appreciate you. You will be a better and stronger person when this is all settled.

I would not contact the other wife. At least not until you have talked to yours and settled on what will proceed.

Still though, sucks right now - be good to yourself, it's not your fault in any way.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Avoid it at almost any cost! It will destroy your life for years to come and possibly forever. If your marriage can be saved and both people want to work on it, it is worth doing. Divorce is NOT the easy way out you might think it is.

I think its true that you should try to save your marriage, however, just speaking as a general rule for most females...once females commit infidelity, your marriage is usually over.

Of course, that's a generalization..but I think there is a statistical truth that men cheat more often for fantasy and excitement reasons whereas women cheat because they're running away from the problems of their marriage. They often really don't want to be married anymore.

While I agree you should try to save your marriage...I would get prepared for a divorce.

[WorkingDAD]

Is it only me as always think that he find thous emails not by accident? Don't you think he was pointed to it just to see his reaction?

Well probably it just me but I think at least someone should agree that this can be a case. I would think that person who was not fair and really afraid of it would never let it happened. And for sure would not share it with anyone like cantbreathe said (her friends, coworkers).

Just another point of view to look from.

[confusedguy]

Poor guy... I am going through the same thing. Did you talk to her yet?

[lilspinx]

Unfortunate you learned of the E affair, but, I think it might only be part of the story. If you love her, sit down and talk things out. Maybe there is hope to save your marriage, maybe not. The bottom line is it takes TWO with a willingness to commit to the marriage for it to work. If they cant commit to you, and your marriage ... how are they going to commit to someone else?

On the other hand, at least you will have a clear understanding of where you stand with your wife. If they want to pursue their new relationship, ENCOURAGE it to the fullest and wish them the very best -- considering their new relationship is built on lies, sneakiness, deceit, half truths etc. Odds are against them for true happiness.

Good luck!

[confusedguy]

Originally Posted by lilspinx

On the other hand, at least you will have a clear understanding of where you stand with your wife. If they want to pursue their new relationship, ENCOURAGE it to the fullest and wish them the very best -- considering their new relationship is built on lies, sneakiness, deceit, half truths etc. Odds are against them for true happiness.

Good luck!

love this!