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Old 10-29-2013, 10:48 PM
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Default New Here with a few questions

Hello Forum Members,

I've been reading some of the posts on here for the past while and am looking forward to the advice I may receive from others on this board.

Left a long marriage (22 years) about 4 months ago, the kids are both out of the home and doing well.

I have not yet retained counsel but have spoken with a highly regarded solicitor re; Family Law.

I have no concerns re: Child Support and I don't think Spousal Support is at issue either. My questions are as follows;

1.Given that I have left the home (bad environment) - and am still on title, should I be paying for half the mortgage on the mat-home? I've had to find rental accommodations and thus far am doing quite the juggling act.

2. STBX has alienated both kids from me (one more than the other),and although it is hurtful, I have let them know that I am available and have not left "them" in any way, rather I have left the marriage. Any advice on this topic?

3. I am out of town often (overseas) with Business and being regularly besieged with nasty emails from the stbx; everything from it's all MY fault, to accusations that I have abandoned the "kids" - (the ADULT kids.)
I have aimed to keep these communications to a minimum and am learning to respond in the "Bill Eddy" style.

I would appreciate any/all tips advice in moving forward. I thought things would have settled down just a little, but it has been 4 months and there's no sign of things slowing down. I see that I was naïve to think that I could just exit quietly. Trying to be fair, calm, civil but that is totally lost on individuals who fully embrace the "It's All Your Fault" mentality. It's like talking to a brick wall.

Thanks in advance,
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Old 10-29-2013, 11:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Black Squirrel View Post

2. STBX has alienated both kids from me (one more than the other),and although it is hurtful, I have let them know that I am available and have not left "them" in any way, rather I have left the marriage. Any advice on this topic?

3. I am out of town often (overseas) with Business and being regularly besieged with nasty emails from the stbx; everything from it's all MY fault, to accusations that I have abandoned the "kids" - (the ADULT kids.)
I have aimed to keep these communications to a minimum and am learning to respond in the "Bill Eddy" style.
On 2: Time. Refrain from speaking with the kids about the divorce, their mother or anything to do with the situation. If they ask questions, answer as simply and honestly as possible without oversharing too much detail - or simply tell them when you don't feel comfortable answering something that should remain between the parents. Adults or not, they're still your kids and they should have an opportunity to remember the family unit as it was, and not be tainted by the nastiness of divorce if at all possible.

On 3: Unless there is an urgent situation with one of your kids, a family member etc that needs immediate attention, she should not be emailing you at all. ANY response you give her will only illicit further emails from her - Bill Eddy style or otherwise.

Let her know that you are happy to respond to any emails about matters requiring attention within 24 hours, provided they are respectful, to the point and the subject line clearly describes the nature of the matter. All other will be ignored.

Then do that. You're not obligated to read the emails and certainly don't need to respond to them. Simply file them away in a seperate folder and keep them for documentation. It may take a while but after a while of getting no response to her nastiness she will learn. If you DO respond to any emails containing nastiness, address only the important matters directly related to the divorce or family. Do not acknowledge the rest.

Disengage, focus on the relationship with your kids. Let her stew in her own misery without you.

"You don't have to atten every fight you're invited to..." ~some guy
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Old 10-30-2013, 12:01 AM
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thank you blinkandimgone,

I do disregard most of the nonsense, but the stbx is not above rallying the troops to engage me (relatives, (adult) kids, etc). It is pretty annoying to say the least. There's nothing like being ganged up on.

I'd just like some peace and quiet.. I enjoy Golfing, reading, traveling and the company of good people/friends. I look forward to the day when there is no drama and that people keep their nose's out of my sep/divorce.
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Old 10-30-2013, 12:13 AM
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My dear, you are not obligated to read or reply to nonsense emails from anyone. People will give you the respect you demand, if you continue to allow them to do this to you, they will continue to do it. Respect yourself enough to MAKE it stop.

Be firm, be friendly, kill them (now, now, not literally) with kindness and courtesy in your dealing with them and give them nothing to use against you.

Your children will eventually understand you are divorcing their mother, not them - and are well within your rights to do so whether they agree with it or not. The rest will come in time.

Enjoy the things you enjoy and don't let them taint that for you. Living well is the best revenge

sheesh, I sound like a walking (typing?) cliche-opedia tonight, don't i ??
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Old 10-30-2013, 12:15 AM
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Oh yeah...and in case any of that doesn't work, simply reply to all of their communications with pictures. Here's a good one to start with:

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Old 10-30-2013, 01:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Black Squirrel View Post
I have no concerns re: Child Support and I don't think Spousal Support is at issue either.
What is the age and income for you and your ex? Age of children?


Quote:
1.Given that I have left the home (bad environment) - and am still on title, should I be paying for half the mortgage on the mat-home? I've had to find rental accommodations and thus far am doing quite the juggling act.
You are responsible for it, but if your ex can afford it then let her pay for the house and you pay for your new place. Otherwise, you would pay for half the mortgage, property tax and insurance, and your ex would pay you half the fair market rental amount for living in the house.

Eventually it will either have to be sold or one of you will have to buy the other person out using the most current values of the house and mortgage. The longer you wait, the more the buyout will cost.
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Old 10-30-2013, 04:07 PM
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If the kids are both out of the house why would there be CS? Are they going to school? When you say they doing well does that mean they are self supporting?

I would suggest you keep all of the emails between you and your stbx, you never know when they might come in handy.
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Old 10-31-2013, 12:40 AM
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Someone somewhere told me once that you have to learn to 'be like sand'. A ball drops onto concrete and it bounces....but it wont bounce at all in the sand....it just stays there. Grow a thick skin and remember, as Bill Eddy says, the issue is not the issue....youre just being dragged into their own internal struggle.

If you dont have to respond...dont.

If you do....Ive always found doing it in the least amount of words possible, with a very monotone, business like style is the best. Dont be offending, blaming, or crass....just do do it quickly and business like.

Conflict does fade, faster if you take yourself out of the dynamic.
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Old 10-31-2013, 10:25 AM
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Now that is the cutest chick have seen on this forum in a while

They sure don't make em like that anymore
She sure can accessorize to play up her best features.
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Old 10-31-2013, 10:48 AM
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Those eyelashes are to die for.
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