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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 06:36 PM
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Thanks for the suggestion on the stickies. I'm viewing this on tapatalk on my phone and had the stickies turned off.
Great read! And no I haven't taken any offence to any replies, I really do appreciate the candor.

I was ready to throw the towel in the other week, and by reading my recent posting it may seem like I am ready to, but I am not, and am trying to make this work.

Also to the poster who suggested I not make her a demon, I am not, in no way am I. She is a great woman, perhaps though not for me.
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 06:43 PM
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Take a deep breath and go with what your gut tells you. Mediation will really help here as opposed to litigation. Litigation pits ppl against each other.
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 04-16-2014, 10:35 AM
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Happiness comes from within yourself, not from another person. If you are unhappy now and situationally depressed (which almost everyone experiences at points in their lives) you should focus on yourself.

Essentially, WHY are you unhappy and depressed and what can you do about it.

Marriages and people change over time. Some years the marriage will be closer than others times when both partners are off doing their own thing more of the time. Marriage should be, in my opinion, about having a place to come home to, to rest and recharge oneself for the rest of life. Marriage isn't life, it's just a place to stand.

I am divorced. Generally I am happier because I was also very "stifled" in my marriage to a very dominant and controlling person. For the most part I accepted being the submissive/follower. Yet at the same time I usually don't believe my ex wife divorced for good reasons. We also had problems conceiving and gave up after 2 years with fertility treatments. Speaking from experience, fertility problems very easily lead to the death of all sexual desire with the other person. When sex becomes work and even worse, being hard trained that sex = failure and sadness every month, it's no wonder it becomes a huge problem.

Read this forum to understand some of what will await you should you choose to open the divorce pandora's box. In the end you may not have to spend any effort demonizing your former partner, they may do it completely themselves. Understand that in the eyes of your family, society, coworkers, the government and the law, your status will irrevocably change forever. Your financial situation will always be worse than it is now. Friends and family may alienate themselves from you, consciously or unconsciously. Your relationship with your child will change, be more distant. In time the child may resent you or no longer want to see you. Even if things are good, you will see the child far less (even in 50/50) and miss out on day to day events.

And always, every week, you will still see your partner. They may hate you, wish you were dead, try to put you in jail, they may take all of your money and leave you destitute perhaps even homeless, but they'll still be there every week staring you in the face.

As Louis CK says, marriage is for however long you can hack it. Divorce is forever.
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 04-16-2014, 01:26 PM
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To me it sounds like you are done and trying to stay in the relationship for the wrong reasons. You are unhappy and not helping yourself, your wife or your child. It sounds like you are trying but you are done. I was married 20 years. I wanted a divorce in the first 4 years. We did counselling etc. and managed some happy times in the next 12 years. The last 4 years were like the first four years and I am now divorced (yeah, after 5 years of separation......etc....I am free) and I am so so so so happy to have control over my own life again. Use your therapist to help you work out pros and cons. But from what you write, it sounds like you want our approval to move forward.
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2014, 10:40 AM
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Just to update, I'm not looking for approval here. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I have decided it's time to move on.
I am in the process of finding a lawyer.

Unfortunatley I have come to realize that I am not in love with my wife, I am not happy in my marriage.

It will be hard / devestating for her when I do tell her my decision. I am not dragging things out unnecessarily, need my ducks in a row first.

My main goal is for this to be as amicable of a split. I don't want anything from her financially, just the house which I will pay her fair share. She will be more comfortable in a condo anyway.

There is no annomosity towards her, as far as I'm concerened the relationship did not work out. With my therapist and hopefully the family councillor she will move forward with me keeping this transition as peacefull as possible. With only our daughter's best interest at heart.

It will be up to her if this is going to turn into a battle or not. All I can do is be straight forward and hold firm.
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2014, 11:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dooper View Post
It will be up to her if this is going to turn into a battle or not. All I can do is be straight forward and hold firm.
There's a lot you can do to try to avoid battle. Be respectful and fair. Don't lay blame on her for the marriage failing. Express that your daughter's adjustment to the change in household situation is your priority. Keep your lawyer under control at all times. Encourage her to keep her lawyer under control too.

And, go paranoid. Wear a concealed audio recorder at all times. A disappointingly common retributive tactic for a woman during separation is to accuse the man of domestic violence so he is expelled from the house and not permitted to see the ex or the children.
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2014, 12:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post

And, go paranoid. Wear a concealed audio recorder at all times. A disappointingly common retributive tactic for a woman during separation is to accuse the man of domestic violence so he is expelled from the house and not permitted to see the ex or the children.
Lovely. I always have my cell in my hand, I can easily hit the record button if she starts anything. Lord have mercy, I hope it doesn't come to that.
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2014, 01:58 PM
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Lovely. I always have my cell in my hand, I can easily hit the record button if she starts anything. Lord have mercy, I hope it doesn't come to that.
Everybody hopes that, but better to have it going and not need it than the alternative.

That wouldn't be sufficient. You want her to not know you're recording her so she doesn't censor herself or go after the device, and depending on what's going on, you may not be able to get your cell phone on.

Buy a proper recorder and keep it on, hidden in your pocket, any time you are around her.

Also a side note. You always have your cell in your hand?? I'd say that might have a role in your marriage breakdown.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2014, 02:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
Everybody hopes that, but better to have it going and not need it than the alternative.

That wouldn't be sufficient. You want her to not know you're recording her so she doesn't censor herself or go after the device, and depending on what's going on, you may not be able to get your cell phone on.

Buy a proper recorder and keep it on, hidden in your pocket, any time you are around her.

Also a side note. You always have your cell in your hand?? I'd say that might have a role in your marriage breakdown.
Thanks for the advice.
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2014, 03:04 PM
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No such thing as amicable divorce. Prepare for the scorched earth. If it turns out better, be happy. But don't hope for that. I did. It took me years to get out of that sh*t I ended up a few days after I separated "amicably".
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