Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Introductions

Introductions If you're new to the forums, drop by and introduce yourself.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #11 (permalink)  
Old 04-12-2014, 05:56 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 70
chapter2 is on a distinguished road
Default

You both deserve happiness. Staying with her for the sake of the child or bc you feel guilty isnt doing anyone favours. If you have attempted every avenue to make it work and its still not happening than its time to move on. Hopefully you guys can end it without fighting and continue to parent positively. Life is too short.
Reply With Quote
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 11:12 AM
Hand of Justice
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: In the Shadows
Posts: 3,139
Links17 is on a distinguished road
Default

My advice -

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...e-bitch-16575/

1. You get divorced you are going to doing SERIOUS damage to your child
Is it worth it?

2. I don't think people should stay in "shitty" marriages but I think that almost anything is salvageable and there are a few key elements to make it work.

3. I would SERIOUSLY recommend reading John Gottman books - the guy is so on point. I really insist it will at least solidify you in your position.

YOU DON'T NEED TO MAKE A DECISION SOON

Somethings you do you can never TAKE BACK.

I have to question your honesty, you said "we havent had sex for 4-5 years" and then in the same breath said "we've been trying for a child"

If I were you I would change it up, go on a vacation together w/e - just break out of the norm.

Have you considered you might depressed, good decisions are never made by depressed people?
Reply With Quote
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 11:46 AM
Janibel's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Way up North
Posts: 1,497
Janibel will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post

1. You get divorced you are going to doing SERIOUS damage to your child
Is it worth it?

2. I don't think people should stay in "shitty" marriages but I think that almost anything is salvageable and there are a few key elements to make it work.
Point one) this is just adding more guilt to an already heart-wrenching decision for the OP, a lot of us end up divorced and the children adapt to the situation if the parents are willing and able to behave the way parents should.

Point two) I agree 100% about the shitty factor and putting your all into making things work. The problem however, is this is a very short marriage and already undergoing serious issues? I don't see what's worth saving in this case? These are 'relative' newlyweds who are living like brother and sister after only 6 years?

I am divorcing after a 27 year marriage but I'll admit the first decade was very happy for both of us ...

These two have incompatibility problems from the get go in my opinion.
Reply With Quote
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 11:48 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,800
Pursuinghappiness will become famous soon enough
Default

The first thing you need to do is stop the insemination process... I'm not sure why any married person would agree to have a child this way unless there was a medical issue. By you even agreeing to this, you sent a mixed message to her on the sex issue. This is the wrong way and the wrong time to consider having a child.

Personally, no affection would be a deal breaker for me. I went through that for a lot of years and I wouldn't tolerate it for a day now. But before you decide, some due dilligence is required. For instance, does she have a medical or mental issue thats fixable or is this the way she wants to live her life. Also read the 5 love languages and ask her to read it and discuss your findings. Basically you need to root cause what the problem is...it doesn't sound like you've done that.

If all of that fails and you can't work it out...don't have an affair, just get divorced. Ignore the nonsense that you going to ruin your kid...its bull...kids living in affectionless, resentful households aren't happy kids. But know if you choose divorce and she isn't amicable, you're in for a rough 2 to 3 years that you need to prepare yourself for.

Personally I think you get one life and there's no way I'd live in a marriage like this. You deserve better and so does your kid. Fix it or get out of it...but don't sit around and do nothing until you end up having an affair.
Reply With Quote
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 11:57 AM
Hand of Justice
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: In the Shadows
Posts: 3,139
Links17 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Also read the 5 love languages and ask her to read it and discuss your findings. Basically you need to root cause what the problem is...it doesn't sound like you've done that.
A good read, I have to say.
Reply With Quote
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 01:06 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 19
dooper is on a distinguished road
Default

Again I appreciate the feedback and suggestions.

I'll be clear here, I am not taking this lightly, this isn't a 7 year itch, we are in councilling as am I seperatley. I said I need to make a descision soon in frustration.

Regarding my daughter, it wrentches my heart to think of her being put through this, but I know if we act like parents should with her best interest in mind she will be fine in the end.

I explained earlier why I WAS willing to have a second child, it was so my daughter can have a sibling and my wife could have a second child. It may have been stupid but it is what I chose to do. That door is now closed. As for why we were doing insemination, it was for medical reasons, but it is not something I feel is needed to go into here. However it does not affect out non sexual lives.

Through coucnilling I have come to realize that I have not been assertive with my wife, I frankly let her run the marriage for the most part. Unfortunatley this turned into constant nagging, being her punching bag for frustration and emasculation. To meet me I am not by any means a weak man or timid man. Without consciously realizing this I allowed this most likely from growing up from an overly dominant father and didn't want to repeat what I went through growing up.

Now I find myself incredibly angry and frustrated with myself and frankly resentfull. Now I can't put all the blame on myself, I did stand up many times, yelled, screamed and punched a few holes in the walls. That was the first 3 years. The last 3 I have stopped being passive and being her punching bag.

It was at this point 3 years ago I wanted councilling. She didn't. We stopped communicating properly. All our talks turned into nagging, tit for tat, all BS.

Through all of this there has been guilt, I hate to see her feel bad, not get what she wants, hate saying no, all from a feeling of guilt, and she plays the card well. Even when I know she's using that card it still works on me.

I'm sounding like a push over, I'm not. I own and run a demanding successful business, guess I just can't run a marriage.

So today I am starting to ask myself am I staying in this marriage out of guilt of hurting her? I think I am. There is love, it's not the kind that was there at the beggining.

I'm pretty sure I simply didn't marry the right person for me.

I forgot to add that I did speak to my doctor and she did assess mean and concluded that I am NOT clinically depressed am I depressed about the situation sure I'm angry and frustrated everything I said above. When I go out to work when I meet with clients I'm fine when I'm with my friends I'm fine yes I get a down about the situation but overall I am definitely not depressed.
Reply With Quote
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 01:30 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,800
Pursuinghappiness will become famous soon enough
Default

Bottom line....sometimes you're fatally incompatible with the person you married. It happened to me and believe me when I say being divorced is an incredibly wonderful thing sometimes. Getting divorced can be hellish though so try everything else first before you pull the trigger. Make sure you plan by yourself first for what's going to come and then approach your spouse and see if you can work something out with her before getting litigation started.
Reply With Quote
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 02:01 PM
Hand of Justice
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: In the Shadows
Posts: 3,139
Links17 is on a distinguished road
Default

Read the gottman books, my experience with therapists was they're useless (my personal experience)
Reply With Quote
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 02:02 PM
FB_ FB_ is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,407
FB_ will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dooper View Post
Again I appreciate the feedback and suggestions.

I'll be clear here, I am not taking this lightly, this isn't a 7 year itch, we are in councilling as am I seperatley. I said I need to make a descision soon in frustration.

Regarding my daughter, it wrentches my heart to think of her being put through this, but I know if we act like parents should with her best interest in mind she will be fine in the end.

I explained earlier why I WAS willing to have a second child, it was so my daughter can have a sibling and my wife could have a second child. It may have been stupid but it is what I chose to do. That door is now closed. As for why we were doing insemination, it was for medical reasons, but it is not something I feel is needed to go into here. However it does not affect out non sexual lives.

Through coucnilling I have come to realize that I have not been assertive with my wife, I frankly let her run the marriage for the most part. Unfortunatley this turned into constant nagging, being her punching bag for frustration and emasculation. To meet me I am not by any means a weak man or timid man. Without consciously realizing this I allowed this most likely from growing up from an overly dominant father and didn't want to repeat what I went through growing up.

Now I find myself incredibly angry and frustrated with myself and frankly resentfull. Now I can't put all the blame on myself, I did stand up many times, yelled, screamed and punched a few holes in the walls. That was the first 3 years. The last 3 I have stopped being passive and being her punching bag.

It was at this point 3 years ago I wanted councilling. She didn't. We stopped communicating properly. All our talks turned into nagging, tit for tat, all BS.

Through all of this there has been guilt, I hate to see her feel bad, not get what she wants, hate saying no, all from a feeling of guilt, and she plays the card well. Even when I know she's using that card it still works on me.

I'm sounding like a push over, I'm not. I own and run a demanding successful business, guess I just can't run a marriage.

So today I am starting to ask myself am I staying in this marriage out of guilt of hurting her? I think I am. There is love, it's not the kind that was there at the beggining.

I'm pretty sure I simply didn't marry the right person for me.

I forgot to add that I did speak to my doctor and she did assess mean and concluded that I am NOT clinically depressed am I depressed about the situation sure I'm angry and frustrated everything I said above. When I go out to work when I meet with clients I'm fine when I'm with my friends I'm fine yes I get a down about the situation but overall I am definitely not depressed.
Based on many comments here I'm guessing this could get messy.
Reply With Quote
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2014, 03:35 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,836
stripes is on a distinguished road
Default

Four questions:

1. Is your current marital situation intolerable? If so, is this a long-term problem, as opposed to a short-term one?
2. Have you tried everything you can to change it, and then tried some more?
3. Is your spouse resistant to working on the relationship?
4. Have you educated yourself on what a divorce would mean for your future?

If you can honestly answer "yes" to all four questions, it's time to pull the pin and take steps to end the marriage. You can't go on in limbo forever.

It sounds like you understand that it takes two to have a successful marriage, or an unsuccessful one. You and your wife are both responsible. Don't let excessive guilt stand in your way, but don't make her out to be a demon either.

Read through the various stickied threads on this site for what to do next. You basically have four things to resolve: division of the marital assets and debts (equalization); spousal support (if applicable - it's not an automatic given); child support; and parenting arrangements. If you and your ex can put together a fair and legal agreement covering all of these areas on your own, and then each get independent legal advice from lawyers on the agreement before you sign it, you will save a fortune in lawyers' fees. No matter what you do, however, you're going to end up poorer than you are now. But probably not sadder.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Introducing CAS evidence - very confused Serene Divorce & Family Law 6 12-05-2013 01:27 PM
Validation for Leaving but confused and upset Sax Divorce Support 12 02-26-2013 12:13 PM
confused beyond return across provinces Divorce & Family Law 4 12-01-2012 09:03 PM
Very confused ~Default hearing supar3 Financial Issues 3 11-25-2010 11:34 AM
Confused and need help !! sloane Divorce & Family Law 8 07-11-2006 03:28 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:37 AM.