Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Introductions

Introductions If you're new to the forums, drop by and introduce yourself.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2014, 07:41 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 19
dooper is on a distinguished road
Default New here, confused & concerned

Hi there,

I'm obviously new around here, first post. I'm confused and concerned, I've been married for about 6 years, have D5 and I want out of my marriage. I've told my wife I'm not happy, in fact I've been down right misserable over the last half year or more. I don't hate her or have any I'll feelings towards her, I'm just done. We don't communicate at all, haven't had sex in 4 - 5 years, and at this point I don't want to.
Part of me still loves her, she loves me as far as she says, but we just can't seem to agree on anything. We have been going to coucilling for a year, I was pushing for it 3 years ago, but , well I guess it doesn't matter at this point.
I've told her how I feel, but she seems determined not to end it. I feel like a piece of crap, as I really want out, I know I do. I don't want to break up a family, it's not Dr of my culture, but im just not happy.

It's a really confusing mess, we were trying for a second child, I didn't want another, but was willing to do so my D had a sibling and my wife and another child. I was willing to do this. Now that is over, doc basically said our time is up. She is still dealing with this.
She doesn't seem to understand I want out, it's like the ostrach with the head in the sand.
We arent old, we can still go onto meet someone else. Both of us work and make good money, the house is all we need to split, as far as i can tell. Actually she makes more on paper, but I don't care, I don't want anything from her in that regards. I'm just trying to figure out how to get her to finally agree that it's over.

The councillor told us to spend an hour together each night over the next few weeks, we haven't done that. I dont want to. I feel like calling a lawyer and start to get my ducks in a row.

I'm don't know what to do. Any advice?
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2014, 11:08 AM
mcdreamy's Avatar
Moderator
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,410
mcdreamy is on a distinguished road
Default

Dooper, I don't think anyone who has been through a divorce with young children is going to tell you it's a slice of life that everyone should experience. I would caution you to reconsider, and perhaps make an honest effort at rekindling your relationship.

Immediately put thoughts of a 2nd child/sibling on hold, the last thing you need at this moment is to enter another child into the equation. I have to ask - how have you been trying for #2, without sex the last 4-5 years? If that is true, I don't think any marriage can survive for very long without sex.

Focus now on equal parenting of your child - if you aren't already, start engaging in bath times, school work, extra curricular activities, etc.

Ask your close friends for any lawyer references they may have, and meet with a few to review your next steps - which would include closing joint lines of credit , commencing the separation of your finances and, as you said, "getting your ducks into a row". I can't emphasize enough you need to focus on equal parenting, and your soon to be ex needs to understand you will not be persuaded otherwise.

And for whatever reason, do not move out of the matrimonial home. Move into the spare bedroom, install a lock, and focus on your child.
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2014, 12:26 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 19
dooper is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks for the reply. We aren't on bad terms, basically we have become roommates with a child if that makes sense. Besides the matrimonial home our finances are separate, always have been, no joint accounts except for our daughter's RESP fund.
We both spend equall time with our daughter together, we keep very civil in front of her and for the most part when she isn't around.
As for the baby making, insemination.

I am trying to make a go of it. I would rather not have a divorce, but the roommate thing needs to end, if it doesn't, and we stay together for at least our daughters sake our marriage will have to become an open one. That probably wont go over well with her.
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2014, 12:43 PM
Janibel's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Way up North
Posts: 1,497
Janibel will become famous soon enough
Default

Is it a good idea to be planning on having another child - when you are already not getting along? It would be a better thing to resolve your intimacy and communication issues first, perhaps a different therapy?

IMO if you are unhappy after only 4-5 years of marriage, chances are things will only get worse and the respect that you still have towards her will fly out the door. You are both way to young to be living in a sexless marriage (heck is one ever too old?)

You still have love for each other, that might just get you through this mess. Divorce is hell - truly if you can avoid it please do.
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2014, 03:46 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,800
Pursuinghappiness will become famous soon enough
Default

I think divorce is tough but not nearly as tough as being in an affectionless marriage.

I wouldn't say I'm a fan of divorce but for myself, I'm sooooo glad that I did it. Everything in my life has gotten so much better since I got divorced...most importantly my kids are happier. Bad marriages truly take a toll on your health and your overall outlook for life.

But the divorce process can be difficult, particularly if your ex is bitter and doesn't cooperate. In my opinion, its sometimes worth the trouble. I know a lot of happily divorced people.
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2014, 09:32 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 385
momforever1956 is on a distinguished road
Default

I know this is not going to sound supportive and probably not what you are wanting to hear as it is picking apart your post which comes across as honest and sincere.
You mentioned that you are living as room mates and there hasnt been sex in many years, yet you were trying for a second child? How does that work, without sex?
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2014, 09:40 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 19
dooper is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by momforever1956 View Post
I know this is not going to sound supportive and probably not what you are wanting to hear as it is picking apart your post which comes across as honest and sincere.
You mentioned that you are living as room mates and there hasnt been sex in many years, yet you were trying for a second child? How does that work, without sex?
No problem, insemination.
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 04-11-2014, 08:40 AM
Rioe's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,217
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dooper View Post
I am trying to make a go of it. I would rather not have a divorce, but the roommate thing needs to end, if it doesn't, and we stay together for at least our daughters sake our marriage will have to become an open one. That probably wont go over well with her.
You have no communication and no intimacy. Thus, you have no marriage. It ended a long time ago. Tell her you want to formalize the EXISTING arrangement with a separation agreement and a divorce.

Don't stay together for your daughter's sake. Providing a bad role model about healthy relationships to your daughter will do her more long-term harm than separating cleanly.

Before you do anything though, take safeguards to protect yourself first. Make sure you are an involved parent, providing half the care to your daughter as your ex does. Find and copy all important financial and ownership documents, of both yourself and your ex. Even if you are financially separate for the most part already, as you are legally married, you are not as separate as you think. It's all linked. Once you have that, you can present your ex with your arguments for separating cleanly.
Reply With Quote
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 04-11-2014, 10:56 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 546
BitHunter is on a distinguished road
Default

The problem that the good terms end with the divorce. You can't imagine now what a divorcing person can turn into. I thought we separated on good terms - a week later all hell broke lose.
The worst thing: When you have a child, you actually can't divorce. The other person is going to be in your life always.
So put some cialis in her drink, take one for yoursel, share a bottle of wine with with her and sex like a bonobo.
Read this forum, so you know what you start when you tell her that you want to divorce, learn from our mistakes.
Reply With Quote
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 04-11-2014, 11:08 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 19
dooper is on a distinguished road
Default

I am reading trust me, my friends are telling me the same thing, becareful what I ask for.
Tonight I think it's starting to sink to her head how unhappy I am. It's only taken a year for her to grasp it, and she's basically breaking down. I feel like crap for it, but I'm not feeling guilty. She has used guilt as a weapon for far too long and it doesn't work on me anymore.

I did tell her that if I do make an honest go at this marriage and nothing changes, especially intamacy wise either I'm filing or I'm going to end up in an affair.

I know non of this is fair to say, however I'm really at the end of my rope. I wish she took me seriously 3 years ago when I suggested councilling.

I need to make a serious decision soon.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Introducing CAS evidence - very confused Serene Divorce & Family Law 6 12-05-2013 01:27 PM
Validation for Leaving but confused and upset Sax Divorce Support 12 02-26-2013 12:13 PM
confused beyond return across provinces Divorce & Family Law 4 12-01-2012 09:03 PM
Very confused ~Default hearing supar3 Financial Issues 3 11-25-2010 11:34 AM
Confused and need help !! sloane Divorce & Family Law 8 07-11-2006 03:28 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:40 AM.