New Here

[NBDad]

Heya:

Well, where to start? I'm not from Ontario, as the nickname implies I'm in New Brunswick....

Been separated for a year as of November, after 6 1/2 years of marriage. 4 kids, the oldest just turned 7 this year. Baby is a little over a year and a half now.

From what I am reading I seem to be in a rather unique situation compared to other Dad's, in that I'm in a pretty good position to challege for residential care and control. (She currently has this, due largely to an ex parte order she attempted to slap on me back in June, the judge ordered a return to the "on paper status quo" of 4 days with Mom, 3 days with me.

The reality is much much different, I have the kids between 51 and 58% of the time at a bare minimum, and am responsible for pretty well ALL major purchases thus far. (Snow gear, prescription eyeglasses, prescriptions, and the list goes on.) And yes, I have all my documentation in order to back this up.

I'm in regular contact with their school, requested my own copies of their report cards, my own parent teacher interviews, and have standing arrangements with the teachers to be contacted if the kids show up without lunches, weather appropriate clothing, their eyeglasses, and to be provided with any copies of notices that go home through the week on the day the children come home to me.

(Yes, she has forgotten each of those items over the last year, and the arrangement is basically "You need to use your contact procedure...which involves calling HER first (though in the last year, she has NEVER been reachable by the school when called) )

Currently I get to do all the transportation for the access, (we live across town), she enrolled the two oldest is a different school other than the one they were in previously (it's the one in her zone, and is therefore more convenient for her). I noted my extreme objections to this decision via email, and indicated that to make the transition easier for her (as her not having the kids to class on time was a HUGE issue last school year) I would tentatively agree to it.

She put up a huge stink last month about Xmas, and forced a return to the signed court order rather than the modification to the times we had negotiated via the lawyers (to accomodate the fact that the access time drop off/pick ups are at 8am, the kids school starts at 8:35am, and she is perpetually running 10-20 mins behind schedule).

It also was way more convenient to my new job (I got laid off from my old, better paying, more flexible job, due largely to having to step in with the children for care, or when the school couldn't reach her, or when they had to go to appointments, etc. literally at the last possible minute.)

After a month of constant pressure on my lawyer, I finally got him to get off his butt and get us to court, where she agreed (surprise surprise) to exactly what we had already agreed to twice. This time at least it's in a court order. My lawyer is an overpaid, uncommunicative idiot most of the time....but he's the only lawyer I can find with a free slot for a client. *sigh*

Their mother is quite content to sit on assistance, not work, look for work, or otherwise attempt to do anything to help improve her situation. She's held, and been fired from or quit, 5 jobs in the last year.... She's had two boyfriends, the first one (the one she originally hooked up with after deciding to leave) had a criminal history surrounding injury inflicted to a young child in the states, this latest guy seems somewhat better, at least he has no criminal record that I'm aware of anyway. In both cases she was calling them her "fiancee" within a week of moving in with them.

CPS (CAS to you Ontario folks) is involved with her household, over health issues for our youngest. He was underweight to the point that the Public Health nurse called CPS when the family doctor couldn't get a hold of her to make an appointment as the nurse requested. Nurse admitted this to me when I inquiried about it. I told her "Thank You". (It was the only reason that he actually was brought to the doctor and the pediatrician)

(We were in collaborative family law at that point, my ex was the "contact person" for medical appointments and had fought tooth and nail for me NOT to do it, 4 weeks after being told to make an appointment with the family doctor, CPS became involved and I was able to successfully argue for being made the primary contact for the baby's medical issues, and was able to secure appointments within 48 hours of this being agreed on)

The baby is now doing well, downright chubby, and generally a happy little guy. Of course there is the never ending trade off of getting him back with a bloody raw bum, giving him back with it cleared up, getting him back with a bloody raw bum...rinse/repeat, etc. And yes, when I saw "bloody raw" I mean that quite literally...it bleeds when it's wiped it's so raw. I've had to take him to the local emergency clinic twice now to have something prescribed for it. But it's not a "child protection" issue, or so I'm told.

CPS has not closed their case on her, and remains involved. (Though I have some serious reservations about the assigned worker, to the point that I've had to contact the Minister of Social Development as well as the ombudsman over some of the things that were done, or not done as the case may be)

She moves to a new place on average once every other month, usually because she spends the welfare cheque she receives on things other than her rent, or otherwise attempts to live well outside her means. Conversely I've been in the same spot for the last 4 years, I had to do some serious sweet talking to NOT lose the house we were renting when she bailed with 2 months of rent, 2 months worth of power, and 80% of my paycheck...but I did it.

I've been told on multiple occasions that she's "lucky to have a phone" or "needs to borrow $20 for bread/milk" (this a day after telling me about her awesome new waitressing job, and the fact she bought like 6 zombies after work with her tips because she gets them half price, etc, etc.)

Of course, when she moves in haste, and has said something similar to the above shortly before, I typically request her CPS worker go and check up on the new home, to ensure the kids have proper beds (she moves from "fully furnished" places to spots she won't tell me the address on) and sufficient food in the home. CPS worker usually ignores my requests, and I've generally given up hope of CPS actually doing the job they are being paid to do, but I make a point to document the possible issues anyway.

I'm sure that I'm going to get responses varying from "you lucky bastard" to just "you bastard"...but I don't pay CS currently. (ratified under court order).

Reason being, the fact she sits her ass on assistance would mean that ANY CS I pay comes off dollar for dollar from her cheque,and the table amount of support would be enough that she would not qualify for assistance. Currently I turn over the amount I receive for CCTB/UCCB to her, (I filed for it back in August, and based purely off the interim order it was determined I'm entitled to it 6 months a year and was switched over to me in November) and she's "allowed" to appeal the decision of CCRA to award it to me. The only reason she agreed to waive CS pending the parental capacity study we're currently undergoing would be the fact I filed for CCTB.

She's convinced legal aid to cover her lawyer (twice now), once for the collaborative process, and now once for the litigation. It's not supposed to be possible, but she's somehow done it.

I'll have had the children for 17 days this month, assuming she doesn't pull her "I can't/won't come get them at the time/place the court order says" again....she was supposed to get them this evening, but I got an email asking me to keep them an extra two days because she's moving...(again).

I'm impressed because I actually got 3 hours notice on having to rearrange my life, as opposed to the 10 mins I usually receive. *sigh*

Anyway, that's my story so far. The Parental Capacity study apparently is the biggest piece fo the puzzle in my battle to ensure my children are actually taken care of...at least according to the overpaid lawyer.

[dadtotheend]

Is there an organization there similar to the Office of the Children's Lawyer (OCL) here in Ontario? You need a custody assessment ASAP. That will bring to light all the serious allegations you make as to the care of your children.

[NBDad]

There have been a ton of cuts in the funding that's received by these kinds of departments. A lawyer for the children is an excellent idea, but is only assigned in cases of proven neglect/abuse.

Since her CPS worker has not yet found any of these things to be of any concern, I don't have a leg to stand on.

My biggest hindrance is the fact she hit me with an ex parte order and was awarded residential care and control pending the completion of a parenting capacity study with psychological component. (This was requested by me)

Because of the way the case started out, the judge will not modify the custody situation until he has that report in hand. It takes several months to complete, and the children are merely being neglected, not placed into any immediate danger. Every single concern I have noted is supposed to be documented by the CPS worker. I have copies of everything that I sent to her and have furnished it to the assessor already.

[billiechic]

Sounds like you need a hug :hug:

[NBDad]

Found out over the holidays that she's up and moved AGAIN. (like 3 days before Christmas) to a totally different school zone.

That'll make 3 schools inside of a single year for my two oldest.

*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*

There goes even MORE money to the useless lawyer...at least he agrees with me that the kids should be xferred to the school in MY zone effective immediately. (As it was the one they were going to originally, then she moved them to the one they've been at so far this school year)

[NBDad]

/begin vent:

Well, she hemmed and hawed about putting the two oldest back in their original school (the one I'm zoned for and the one they attended last year), and finally stuck her nose up and put them in the one she's zoned for. 3 schools in LESS than a single year. Yee-haw.

All this after she claimed she couldn't put them in their old school as she had them 4 days a week. (False, I called and confirmed with the district AND the principal there would be ZERO issues accomodating them) Only hindrance is the transportation, she got snarky when I asked her how she planned on getting them to school on time. (She had MAJOR issues with this previously).

Got a phone call a few weeks back from my youngest son's pediatrician (as noted in my original post, he had some serious concerns around his weight when he was a few months younger and was under the care of a pediatrician at the direction of CPS). Anyway, she missed the scheduled checkup that she had booked 6 months ago.(surprise! I was never told about it).

Anyway I booked the appt and made sure he went. I had advised her CPS worker of this, and I'm guessing the worker told HER, because she somehow found a way to show up at the clinic. (not awkward AT ALL *sigh*)

Benefits for my new job (the constant requirement to pick up the pieces of HER bad decisions cost me my old job) finally kicked in, so I took my 3 oldest to the dentist. Their mother had taken them back in July, the oldest apparently had 5 cavities. 6 months later....NO followup on her part, despite being on assistance and having access to a drug card that should have covered those expenses 100%.

Annnnnddd the snarky emails begin again about "Why were the kids not in school today" "I want to be informed of the appointments/etc/etc". This immediately following a retardedly long email chain 3 days ago involving a $10 pair of shoes she accused me of having...wound up they were at their old school. (well or so she claims, issue is that I had already SPOKEN with BOTH teachers 8 days previously when she finally decided to inform me of the decision to put them at the school she's zoned for....and they had already confirmed there were no personal items of the children left at the school) (Guess if you are going to claim something, might be a good idea to make it something I can't already PROVE differently)

I kept replying..."I just gave you $600 worth of my CCTB 3 weeks ago, the NB Government gives you over a GRAND, which includes an expense for clothing allowance....so go buy the kid a $10 pair of shoes already. (Note i've already provided 5 pairs of shoes for my son, and between her grandmother and myself...over 7 for my daughter...guess how many are actually at my home?)

Oh AND the Kids tell me that "Mommy says she going to have another baby"...with the newest "fiancee"....yeah the one she's been living with/seeing for < 2 months now. Way to be stable *golfclap* and good job on the impressionable young children.

The good news is that I'm almost done the assessor's report...just have a home review left and then I'm golden. Apparently the ex went for her initial appointment, and then got word her request to have legal aid cover the cost was denied. She's made no attempt to make arrangements with the assessor's office, and they indicated they were going to try to get a hold of her one more time and then deem her uncooperative.

From what the assessor told my girlfriend, in the event one parent is uncooperative, and there is no reason otherwise, they automatically will find in favor of the cooperative parent. So keep your fingers crossed for me that she continues her pattern of stupidity for the next month.

[NBDad]

Gahhhh...

Well, there was a whole slew of new crap this month, starting on the 20th of the month..."Where's my money, etc, etc."....of course I'm working the 20th, and the 21st...day shifts until 6pm, so no way I'm getting to a teller that closes at 5pm to deposit the CCTB cheque. She was told that very politely and blew a gasket. "I have no food, etc".

(funny how she was asking about it because she wanted to get "a book order from the kids school" not 3 days prior to this)

I wound up having to pick the kids up a day early because she claimed she had no food in her home at all...2 days later she wound up calling my JOB to "check my shift to see if I was working that day or not"...twice.....(Of course, overpaid lawyer does nothing, despite there being a harrassment clause in the interim court order)

I had an clause put into the addendum drawn up in December that if her past behaviour reasserted itself, the drop off/pick up location moved to a more public venue...of course she refused to allow me to use it. (I did anyway, and she subsequently dropped off the map for the past week and change..noone has seen/heard from her since two days after I turned over 600+ dollars to her)

Surprise surprise, the DAY the welfare cheques are out I get an email asking where the pick up is on Sunday. (mind you I've already sent her the schedule for the next two months almost 2 weeks ago, due to being so totally fed up with her that I advised her and my lawyer that I was cutting ALL contact with her until the assessor' report is complete...)

So far I've had my kids 19 days this month (61%). So much for the 3 days on paper that she keeps insisting is the "status quo".

We'll have to see if her highness decides to grace her children with her presence tomorrow. Personally I'm not holding my breath, though I feel absolutely terrible for the kids. Fielding questions about "why aren't we with Mommy on her days anymore" sucks.

[NBDad]

Game, set...match. All over except making it official.

Well, all her lies and other related BS finally came crashing down around her ears 2 days ago. Got an email asking if I could take the older two kids as CPS was nosing around and she "had no oil" (basically...my home has no heat in the middle of Feb). Mind you this is after she retrieved the children Monday from school, and basically left the younger two with me.

The older two kids have seen her a grand total of 6 days since the middle of January by this point, the younger two less than 4.

Finally had enough, decided to see how much she was leaving out. Told her I would bail her out yet again, but I wanted her to sign over sole custody and residential care/control in the interim so I could return them to their previous school (in my zone). I fully expected an argument from her...but instead I get back an email agreeing to the terms.

This tells me her choices boiled down to "give them to me" or "give them to CPS to put into foster care for 5 days, then when CPS takes her into court and informs me as per their legal obligation, I get them by default. Since my home is not under investigation by CPS, and I'm both able and willing to take them, the court has to place them with me.

Got a phone call the next day from her CPS worker (same one that takes literally WEEKS to respond (if at all) to me) wanting to confirm the children were under my care, and she told me before I could release them back to her at all, I had to let the department know first. So yeah, HUGE breakthrough right there.

She bailed to her mothers (in another province) yesterday. Came to say goodbye to the kids with her mother and her sister. The baby howled the whole time, oddly enough the second I took him back inside and took his coat/snowpants off...he stopped..instantly....I highly suspect he was so upset because he thought he was being given back to her and didn't want to go.

She left me the info for her landlord, said "everything was arranged" and "they were expecting you to make contact to go get the kids stuff".

Contacted said landlord...guess what? They had no idea she was even gone yet. Sheriff was apparently due there today to escort her out. Found out ALL kinds of new info on the situation. Apparently the landlord had contacted both CPS AND Income Assistance over her. Her welfare got cut off (as she had lied about the new "fiancee" living with her), she owes them 1000's in overpayments, AND CPS was poised to take the kids from her.

She apparently also has a warrant out for her arrest, allegedly over the theft from a prior landlord, and has multiple small claim actions pending against her as well. Her name has been submitted to the Landlord's association as well, so any legitimate landlord in NB will be forewarned about her and will likely refuse to rent to her.

I was able to take a single picture of the state of her living room when I picked up the older two from her home. It was beyond unsanitary.

My final component of the assessment was completed last night, ETA on full report being done is 3 weeks. I'm pretty sure it's now a forgone conclusion...until her report is complete the best she can hope for is supervised access.

Only took 15 months. Meanwhile my poor kids are going to be in therapy for YEARS to help them deal with this, and there's no way of knowing what kind of long term damage has been done.

For all those father's out there, remember to hang in there. The truth has a funny way of coming out when you least expect it.

[billiechic]

Great. I am sad to hear that your kids were living in those conditions though. At least they are with you now, and all you can do is be the best dad you can from now on. Good Luck!

[Tim Cash]

Well I feel sick to my stomach ....but the ending is great . The kids are where they should have been from the start.