new guy...

[dufus]

Hi Everyone,

Just thought I should post an intro before bombarding you with all my questions! I'm currently just starting seperation from my cheating wife.....It's been about 2 weeks since I found out, and I think I'm almost over most of the shock and hurt. I think I'm ready to get to all the hard financial work and hopefully move on asap. We've been married 20 years, 4 kids(13,15,16,20), house, cars, a life, future etc... We have had a rocky marriage for quite a while, neither of us has really tried to fix things properly, just ride out the fights and hope the problems just go away.... She has always refused to try counselling and she has now decided the best solution is to have an affair. So, I'll be posting a bunch of questions, and thanks in advance for any help or opinions you have to offer!

[staysingle]

Dufus,

You are NOT going to be "moving on asap".
While I could afford him, a top family law lawyer in Ontario said this to me, " family law is so fucked up at this time I tell all my clients this , if your married stay married and if your single stay single"

I am a father of two boys that "wanted to move on asap"...that was over 6 years ago and hundreds of thousands in legal fees.oh and the conflict ruined the children!

I can tell you this with the strictest of confidence. The wild card in this whole mess is the mother. If she is decent, has a conscience, can put her children's needs ahead of her own , then you will have a divorce that won't bury you alive.

If on the other hand she has a personality disorder you are in for a mean 3-5 years pal.

stay plugged in to this forum there are tons of brilliant. compassionate people here that will guide you better than most lawyers

Good luck you have a lot of stuff coming at you. Family law is highly treacherous , pay attention

[salsero12]

I'm new to this forum, but the people here are the best. We, just like you, have gone through a divorced. People here are caring and they will take care of your need as much as they can and within limits.

Good luck and take care

Salsero12

[dufus]

Thanks for the warnings guys,
I actually hope more people keep warning me as I am a bit of a sucker!
I have been hopeful that we can somehow try to work things out, but I'm starting to realize that's probably not going to happen.
She actually is quite a nasty person overall. Throughout the 20 years we've been together it's always been hard for me to deal with her confrontational, aggressive personality. When things are good, they are pretty good, but when they are bad.....
I guess it's time to give my head a shake and start to be more protective of myself and my needs. If I dont take care of myself, I wont be able to provide a good stable home for the kids when they are with me. That's all I really want, I'm not looking to screw her over or necessarily come out ahead, just able to afford a proper home and lifestyle.

[BeenThereTwice]

.. you'll need to keep the details coming.

Age parents?
working?
income?
assets/liabilities?
and lots and lots more.. It's a messy messy process.

[WorkingDAD]

Originally Posted by dufus

Hi Everyone,

Just thought I should post an intro before bombarding you with all my questions! I'm currently just starting seperation from my cheating wife.....It's been about 2 weeks since I found out, and I think I'm almost over most of the shock and hurt. I think I'm ready to get to all the hard financial work and hopefully move on asap. We've been married 20 years, 4 kids(13,15,16,20), house, cars, a life, future etc... We have had a rocky marriage for quite a while, neither of us has really tried to fix things properly, just ride out the fights and hope the problems just go away.... She has always refused to try counselling and she has now decided the best solution is to have an affair. So, I'll be posting a bunch of questions, and thanks in advance for any help or opinions you have to offer!

considering just "We've been married 20 years, 4 kids(13,15,16,20)" I would suggest to you ask your self very very very hard question ...

are you sure for 100% that it what you want? Or it's just what you think you should do because of "affair"... There is too much at stake as for me to put "been married 20 years, 4 kids(13,15,16,20)" < "affair" ...

Just make sure you consider all possibilities before make decision. And even when "divorce" looks like easiest solution - it;s not. Especially here with so called "Family" and "Law"

for now I can give you two simple advises
whatever happened

1. Kids #1 priority and Kids stay out of this ....
2. Lawyers care only about themselves and nobody knows better than you two what is best for your Kids...

[BeenThereTwice]

.. to see just how much CS and SS you'll be paying with 4 kids, some of who are already at post-secondary school age.

I think you'll be shocked when you see how much you COULD be paying if you go down that road, and if that doesn't give you pause to THINK CAREFULLY about what you contemplate, then nothing will.

If I were in your shoes, I would start cancelling discretionary expenses, and start paying down debt. Money will soon be in very short supply.

[dumbfounded666]

WOw, sounds like my life to a tee and we're at the point after almost 2 years of seperation and being one week away from going to trial