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Old 03-16-2012, 02:22 PM
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Red face My Story of getting along with STBX

From what I've read here so far.... my STBX and I are the unusual ones... We can actually come to our own agreements!! LOL!!

We met in College in 1998, and were married October 31 2001!! And no it was not a themed wedding He has two daughters from a prior relationship (not married) and his ex "C" and him were able to work out there own issues as well. Mostly she lived up North near her family, and he moved for school to Southern ON.... together, we would fly the kids down for the entire summer every year.... and talk to them on the phone all the time. A few years later, "C" and the kids, and her boyfriend moved to our city, and now we had the girls every other weekend, and a couple of nights during the week when "C" had late classes... We'd found a way to make it work for everyone

In July 2005 we had our first daughter.... about 18 months later we separated, daughter and I moved out. In that time, we were able to resolve some issues and reconcile.... Daughter and I moved back in....... June 2008 we have our second daughter.... and some of the old BS creeps up again - namely jealousy/trust issues. We sought counselling (again - did the first time too), tried everything we could think of.... and April 2011 we separated again - this time for good. I made it clear to him that if we found ourselves in this position again, I was done for good. I was not going to ride that emotional roller coaster anymore. This time though, I did not have the resources to leave until I got my apartment for Sept 1.... I did not want the house (way too many issues with that POS)... so both girls and I left.... ((I've always said we were great as a family, and he is a great dad... but we sucked as husband/wife...and I was not going to put my sanity/happiness on hold and stay together just for the sake of the children))

At first things were really difficult between us.... it was my choice to end the marriage, and as expected he took it really hard.... months of this... and fast forward to about December of 2011 and about 2 weeks before Christmas, I went back to the house to pick up some Christmas decorations he wasn't going to use, and we actually talked like adults for about 2 hours - about work, about the kids, about mutual friends, about other family..... It was great!! All along, I had been telling him that I have absolutely ZERO interest in hurting him any further, or in bleeding him dry, because by doing so I'd only be hurting the kids... ((little flash back - I remember my own parents' divorce and custody battle when I was little, it was ugly, and don't want to see my own girls go through that!!))

So since then, we are coming up on what I've been calling Filing Day - I've had it planned that on April 30 I am going to be filing the joint application for Divorce with the Courts to start that process.... We had used a DIY kit to put together our own SA, and have made little tweaks here and there.

We are both aware of the Guideline amount for CS and (1) I know he cannot financially afford that and keep the house up and (2) I make nearly as much as he does, so I don't see that as fair!! Yes I know it's "what the kids are entitled to", but I am taking the approach that what he provides them is more than just a financial amount - he is keeping up the home they were raised in, the room they slept in, clothes & shoes when needed, extra groceries when needed, or special treats..... those things plus the CS he does pay me, in my mind, is of much greater value than a cheque once a month.... and because of his work schedule (permanent afternoons and rotating weekends) the girls do stay with him often (but not even close to the magic 40%)... but they can (and do) call him any time they want....

I am signing off all interests in the house so there will be no "equalization" - half of zero is still zero!! After our first separation, all accounts and such were kept in our own names... he paid the mortgage and some utilities, I bought groceries and other "extras", so at this separation, financially there was nothing else that had to be divided... We are both interested in making this as clean and easy as possible!!

Throughout all of this, I kept stressing to him, and to other family, that it was by far much more important to me that as little change for our girls as we could possibly manage.... and that the whole family remain in their lives in a positive way ((even though that means I have to see my STBX MIL more than I'd really like to!! LOL!!)) but we all recognize that it's what's best for the kids!!!

I'd made a comment in a different post about "past behaviour being a good predictor of future behaviour".... I met his first two daughters when they were 3 & 6... I watched how "C" and him were able to work things out.... they never saw a lawyer, never had any agreements on paper, and each lived their lives doing what was best for their kids, as opposed to dragging the other through the mud..... so this time around, I am pretty confident that we will be able to do the same!!

Seeing friends go through bitter divorces.... reading here your stories.... I'm just stunned!! I get how emotions and the utter drive to be right at all costs can be... but I just don't get why more people can't take the high road, leave the hurt emotions and the bitterness out of it, and do what's best for the kids - even if it means making a compromise!! ((**note** I am not specifically referring to any one or any particular case here!!! So don't think I'm talking specifically about *you*))
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Old 03-17-2012, 02:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cbarker78 View Post
We are both aware of the Guideline amount for CS and (1) I know he cannot financially afford that and keep the house up and (2) I make nearly as much as he does, so I don't see that as fair!! Yes I know it's "what the kids are entitled to", but I am taking the approach that what he provides them is more than just a financial amount - he is keeping up the home they were raised in, the room they slept in, clothes & shoes when needed, extra groceries when needed, or special treats..... those things plus the CS he does pay me, in my mind, is of much greater value than a cheque once a month.... and because of his work schedule (permanent afternoons and rotating weekends) the girls do stay with him often (but not even close to the magic 40%)... but they can (and do) call him any time they want....
Lady, you are AWESOME.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cbarker78 View Post
Seeing friends go through bitter divorces.... reading here your stories.... I'm just stunned!! I get how emotions and the utter drive to be right at all costs can be... but I just don't get why more people can't take the high road, leave the hurt emotions and the bitterness out of it, and do what's best for the kids - even if it means making a compromise!! ((**note** I am not specifically referring to any one or any particular case here!!! So don't think I'm talking specifically about *you*))
How dare you refer to me in your post!
:P
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Old 03-17-2012, 03:14 PM
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Can I ask if either of you have entered new relationships?
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Old 03-17-2012, 10:45 PM
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@ wretchedotis - thanks and LOL :P

@ CCB - odd story there... LOL!! In October (a month after having my own place) I was out with a girlfriend and ran in to my best friend from high school (guy)! Had not seen him in over 13 years!!! We were really close, but I gave up on that friendship due to STBX's jealousy issues (stupid move on my part, and one I always regretted!!) We never dated each other, but always flirted around the issue... this time around, we're likely headed that route again, but having told him my story, we're waiting to until the divorce paperwork is done before exploring any romantic avenues - but kids have met him and know he is a really close friend of mine...... and I believe STBX has explored the dating route but nothing serious yet.... why do you ask??
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Old 03-18-2012, 03:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cbarker78 View Post
...ran in to my best friend from high school (guy)! Had not seen him in over 13 years!!! We were really close, but I gave up on that friendship due to STBX's jealousy issues (stupid move on my part, and one I always regretted!!) We never dated each other, but always flirted around the issue... this time around, we're likely headed that route again......
Seems like your stbx was bang on in his jealousy.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by cbarker78 View Post
@ wretchedotis - thanks and LOL :P

@ CCB - odd story there... LOL!! In October (a month after having my own place) I was out with a girlfriend and ran in to my best friend from high school (guy)! Had not seen him in over 13 years!!! We were really close, but I gave up on that friendship due to STBX's jealousy issues (stupid move on my part, and one I always regretted!!) We never dated each other, but always flirted around the issue... this time around, we're likely headed that route again, but having told him my story, we're waiting to until the divorce paperwork is done before exploring any romantic avenues - but kids have met him and know he is a really close friend of mine...... and I believe STBX has explored the dating route but nothing serious yet.... why do you ask??
geesh you were doing so good until you posted this. If you flirted around the idea of dating this guy your ex was bound to pick up on it eventually either by your actions or things people were saying. Your ex maybe went overboard with the jealousy but you just proved where there is smoke there is fire. Just remember that you never dated the guy before and there had to be a reason for it.

As for the CS issues. Yes it sounds all fine and dandy but it can bite him in the ass later if you decide to come after him for back CS because he underpaid. Not sure if there is a way around it so he is protected from that other then your word. Maybe he gives you the CS according to the guidelines and you give him some back? That way he has a paper trail showing that he paid full CS he was suppose to.
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:20 AM
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geesh you were doing so good until you posted this. If you flirted around the idea of dating this guy your ex was bound to pick up on it eventually either by your actions or things people were saying. Your ex maybe went overboard with the jealousy but you just proved where there is smoke there is fire. Just remember that you never dated the guy before and there had to be a reason for it.
I disagree. They never dated and there could have been any number of reasons for it, but it's totally possible to be friends with someone who you had considered dating. I have a friend like this from high school. We never dated, but I had a crush on him for years. We never dated or explored the possibility of a relationship because we were never single at the same time. We lost touch for a while after I had kids/got married. We reconnected years later and I found out the feeling was mutual, he'd had a crush on me the entire time too. But we're still very good friends now. He's very happily married and I'm thrilled for him and I'm in a relationship that I'm extremely happy with and he's thrilled for me. Nothing for either of our partners to worry about or be jealous over - we're JUST friends.
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Old 03-18-2012, 12:54 PM
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I disagree. They never dated and there could have been any number of reasons for it, but it's totally possible to be friends with someone who you had considered dating. I have a friend like this from high school. We never dated, but I had a crush on him for years. We never dated or explored the possibility of a relationship because we were never single at the same time. We lost touch for a while after I had kids/got married. We reconnected years later and I found out the feeling was mutual, he'd had a crush on me the entire time too. But we're still very good friends now. He's very happily married and I'm thrilled for him and I'm in a relationship that I'm extremely happy with and he's thrilled for me. Nothing for either of our partners to worry about or be jealous over - we're JUST friends.
Well, I would be jealous if I was your partner blink.
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Old 03-18-2012, 01:02 PM
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Over a high school crush? Really? I grew up, I'd expect my partner to as well.
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Old 03-18-2012, 01:15 PM
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I'm not talking about the past, I'm talking about the present.

If you and he were enjoying your friendship today, there would be no chemistry going on, with each of you knowing that you did have a crush on each other?
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