My story

[What to do?]

I'm currently married and still living with my husband and our two children (4 & 3yrs). There has been warning bells along the way that I should have listened to but didn't or wouldn't. Before kids I never truly understood what would bring a couple to divorce or what would cause us to divorce. I thought we could always work it out. Now 2 kids later, I'm faced with a situation that will likely cause our marriage to end. Their is hope it won't but unfortunately my husband doesn't want to compromise. Funny because he is the one who taught me about compromise when I first dated him.

It absolutely breaks my heart and scares the hell out of me to end this marriage. I come from a broken home myself (separated parents/death of father when I was 9). It's the last thing that I could wish for my kids. It's equally worse after reading a book called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce". Based on a 25yr study of children of divorce and their families. It was good to read it because it helped me identify some feelings I've been carrying around since childhood but it also pointed out that children in stable families are more adjusted, better adapted, more successful, confident and generally happier.

I'm a SAHM mom and would like to return to work or school but my husband refuses to let non-family look after the children while I work or go to school. Unfortunately the only non-family available to us is what is the major cause of our grievance - his parents. For them to look after the kids they insist on living with us in our home with no physical family separation (no separate apartments). In the past (before kids), I gave in to his insistance and pressure to have them live with us. I told him that I would only agree on certain terms between him and I and then we sat down with his parents and discussed "house rules" which they agreed to. When his parents moved in, my house rules went out the window as did the agreement between my husband and I. He got what he wanted but didn't feel the need to support me in what I felt was important for all of us to live together harmonsly. At the time when they moved in, I was 6mths pregnant, with no where to go. Four years later of "trying to make it work", I wrote them a letter to leave. They moved out but where they are is not secure and they are only looking for a reason to move back. To have them back in my home is suicide (in more ways than one) for me. Not only will my marriage be over anyway but custody of my kids gets more complicated.

My husband is a controlling person and to date, I've pretty much given in to make peace. The only thing I won't do is give in yet again is to his parents.

We've been to two counsellors. One we visited twice but when he realized I wasn't going to give in, he stopped. The other was our family doctor who is also a family to his parents. He initiated the first meeting with her then she met with both of us and then with me alone. Based on what she said "I'm not depressed", sounds like he tried to pin depression to make his case stronger and then she mentioned she didn't have much hope for our marriage based on his committment to his parents and not to me. She told me I should get a job. He also asked her to recommend a therapist to go to but never followed up on it. Doesn't seem to have much interest as we don't have coverage.

So right now I'm trying to figure out what to do. In the meantime I have my good days and bad days. Some more bad than good. What I have realized though just recently, that I am always wanting others to stand up for me, I've never learned to stand up for myself. I need to gain more control of my life and start standing up in what I believe in. Easier said than done. Baby steps.

[About_Time]

1) If you feel that things are bad enough to split and he has no interest in fixing things, then it's probably over. Take your time to get things figured out and your affairs in order, then end it. I would advise you to read as much as possible about the workings of divorce on this site before you make the split though. If I had found this site 6 months earlier than I had, I would be in a much much better position in my divorce proceedings right now.

2) Stop giving in to his demands. Not only is it unfair to you, but it can get you in a lot of trouble during the divorce proceedings. I caved to a number of requests made by my ex in the interests of keeping the peace and now they are coming back to bite me in the butt. If he had a genuine interest in keeping the peace, then he'd address whatever issues are ruining your marriage.

3) Don't let your in-laws move in. To me, it seems like they and your husband seem more interested in finding them a place to live than providing a healthy environment to help with the kids. Your husband can't prevent you from bringing the kids to a non-family care provider. If you do split and he tries to get the courts to prevent you from doing so, I suspect he would be laughed out of the courtroom.

4) Don't see a therapist if you genuinely don't think you have a problem. Your husband is only trying to diminish your standing by setting up a claim that you are unstable. I also would be wary of what you say to your doctor if she is related to your in-laws.

5) Do not under any circumstance move out of your home or allow him to move out with the children. The biggest mistake I made in my separation was moving out when she refused to leave. It immediately made things 10x harder with regards to custody. Even if he refuses to go, don't get bullied out - tough it out.

[phoenix]

Get copies of ALL important paperwork!

Make sure you have copies, or at the very least write down the numbers, of his SIN, drivers licence, health card, passport, bank account numbers, etc. Somewhere down the road you may need this. You just don't know what may come up... I was VERY glad I collected this info early while I still had sneaky access to it, and had it tucked away 'just in case' (I kept my copies at a friend's home) -- I ended up needing it!

[sufferer]

Welcome to the forum and you are at right place

I was in the exact situation two years ago just that my two kids were a year younger than yours.I tried my best to make things work as had the same thoughts " why people have kids when they can't compromise ".The funniest part in my separation was that he was begging me to end it in June 05 and had another baby from his gf in dec 05.

After making up my mind I first arranged for a lawyer.Since I was a stay at home mom I was elgible for legal aid but had to put my share of house on lien.People often say that settling things without going to court is a better option but its not true for control freaks.He will try his best to lower your self esteem but you have to be firm for the sake of your kids.FAmily law is not a easy thing to deal with so patience is the key.
I hope everything will fall in place for you too.
Good luck

[What to do?]

Thanks everyone for all you tips and support, I really appreciate it. I am slowly making copies of things and keeping a low profile.

[standing on the sidelines]

You poor thing. From what you wrote it seems like it is you against him and his parents. It seems like they are trying to totally shut you out. Please realize that divorce is hard on kids but sometimes staying in a marriage where you are treated as a second class citizen can harm children also. He sounds controlling and really just wants his own way without thinking about your feelings. If he is not willing to work on the marriage then leave, you cannot live your life where nothing you say or do is right.

[Kimberley]

It can be done, I can certainly tell you that. I married my ex young, and without my really noticing it, over the years, he took full control; moving me away from friends & family so I had no-one to turn to. Of course I was so busy raising the babies and we were moving for jobs for him that I didn't give it a lot of thought at first. We had agreed that I would stay home & raise the babies, then go back into the work force when the last child started full time school.
I won't bore anyone with the very long story, but his control was so set that I had to ask permission to even take a shower, if any of the kids were still awake, it was a no.
I had to do groceries after the kids were in bed, so late at night, travelling to a 24 hour grocery to do it, as I was not allowed to go during the day unless I toted the kids with me - quite difficult when you have 4, with the last 2 babies only just over 10 months apart in age.
I re-entered the work force a few years early and slowly started to regain self-esteem and self-worth. This of course started to anger him and his treatment of me became worse.
After 13 years of marriage I finally was able to find the strength to tell him to get out, and I refused to back down. In fact, I paid the first month rent on his apartment to get him out - and he promptly moved his girlfriend in - the babysitter to my children, who had only just turned 18 several months before.
There is 17 year difference in their age, and she certainly was witness to the person he was, and still is - so I don't feel an ounce of pity for her as it's obvious that he's started all over again with another. He has moved her 6 times in 3 years, and now they are in the middle of no-where, they have the one vehicle which he takes for work, so she is left without any place to go all day, and you can bet that his pattern has not changed.
Do I care? No, they can enjoy their life, she can live with the fact that she saw the crap & chose to have a relationship - they can both live in the hell they create.
All that matters to me is that he is finally being forced to pay child support and my children will no longer have to do without everything.

Find a way to regain your strength. Abusers come in all types, they don't just hit, they verbally & emotionally abuse which is so very difficult to prove to anyone else.
Always remember, you're better than he tells you that you are, and one day you too will find the strength & make a better life for yourself & your children.