My introduction...

[dadtotheend]

Cochrane was my lawyer. His book is good. You can read excerpts of it here:

Amazon.ca: surviving your divorce

[ConfusedInAB]

Thanks, all!

C

[rwm1273]

Originally Posted by ConfusedInAB

Thanks, rwm and Mess... I'll check out that book. That's an interesting thought about how people's thoughts/goals change as the process goes on.

RWM, any thoughts how I can make sure I'm not alone with her, yet still stay in the same house? I guess that's where the voice recorder comes in, eh? And given a choice, the collaborative law sounds like a good starting point, at least from what I've read.

C

If you two are still in the same house, then you may be able to keep things from spiraling out of control. If it is possible to keep the lines of communication open, the better it is for everyone, and it helps save the money from paying for a new BMW for the lawyers. But be prepared to protect yourself from any possible allegations of abuse. They may not happen, but if she wants, it is relatively easy for her to take advantage of the system.

If it is possible to discuss things with her without getting into an argument, the better.

You need to do some homework. You need to get an idea of what the assets and liabilities are. Both hers and yours if possible. If you can find a way to use the assets to buy out the other side, or to set yourself or her up in a new place, then that may be a good way to end.

You say she knows something is up, so it may not be that big of a shock to her when you do tell her.

When my first wife and I split, we were not permitted to see the same lawyer. Everything was friendly, and still are today. Reason we were told was that each needed independent legal advice or the judge would not grant the divorce. When you do tell her you want to end it, discuss collaborative law with her.

Also you may want to think about what you want for custody arrangements with the kids. If you can work out some equitable arrangement with her early, then it will also help prevent the issues from getting out of hand, and the kids will be hurt less.

I don't think you need to settle for minimal access. What kind of relationship do you have with your kids now? If you are active in their lives now, there is no reason why that can't continue.

Is there any mobility issues that may come up? If so, you may want to ensure that there is restriction in place to prevent any sudden moves.

[ConfusedInAB]

Thanks rvm... To answer some of your questions/comments...

Yes, I am optimistic (foolishly?) that things can be kept civil and communication open. One of the reasons for suggesting some joint counselling sessions, even though I don't think they'll be useful for "fixing" things. But trying to give both of us a chance to get things out in a healthy way, and prepare for what the kids are going to be going through.

As far as assets and liabilities go, I've got a good idea of where we're at. Not where I'd like, but whatever... I don't think either of us will be able to buy either one out, so selling the house and starting over may be the only option. I don't know how banks/mortgage companies look at cs/ss in terms of calculating available income, but that would be worth investigating, I guess.

We actually split up briefly about 10 years ago (for about a week)... That was one of those "drop the bomb and leave" situations. I wouldn't be surprised if this is feeling familiar; it feels familiar to me, anyway. So it's about time I brought this out in the open anyway.

I would suspect any mobility issues will be my issues, with the possible exception of my wife wanting to move closer to her parents (about an hour away). But my job is such that right now, I can work anywhere that I have an Internet connection, so I'm very flexible.

C

[ConfusedInAB]

Well, that was not fun... But at least things are out in the open, and I'm still in the house...

C