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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 10-23-2017, 06:43 PM
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some very good advice from most of the posters.

I have some question though. Why would boxes of toys for the kids Christmas gifts set him off? Why was he saying he hates living with all the "junk" in the house? Is there a hoarding situation here in his eyes?

Remember yes you may be able to afford the house on your own but can you afford to get the mortgage to buy him out?

You can leave and go where you want when you want, the kids cant. That is their home and you cannot remove them to live somewhere else.

It was very shitty and cowardly of him to do it in a text. You are feeling hurt and confused right now and it takes time to accept what has happened. There are certain posters (like soiled said) that thinks all women are like their ex or even that basically all women are bad. There is an ignore feature on this site that can become your best friend to block the users that dont bring anything to the topic except their own biased views.

I know that more details always emerge after the first post, that is normal.If you tried to write it all in one post it would be so hard to get through so most posters just cover the basics in their first post. With that being said, unless there is a police report, witnesses or he admits it, there isnt much use in trying to use that. Not that I am saying it didnt happen, but unless there is proof it may look like positioning to try and get sole custody.

If he gets 50/50 then you will be paying him offset CS.

I wish there was a way for the two of you to sit down and really discuss the real issues of what is bothering him. Is he feeling neglected? Yes you may be tired after working etc but you also need to make time for him to keep connected, so does he. Did he turn to alcohol because it was something that was there or was this and issue before you married and had kids with him? Would your parents be willing to take the kids one weekend a month so you and him could have some time together?
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Old 10-23-2017, 07:57 PM
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I feel your pain, cause I am still reeling from the emotional side of a separation and still feel angry. I have spent countless hours reading posts here to gain an insight into the legalities of a separation/divorce. But I am in no a position to give advice on anything legal. That said I dont think its a bad idea to take the kids to your Mom's for a week. In my own experience if tension and emotions are at a high, a cooling off period may be needed, before someone does something they will regret. I personally got into a fight with my ex while in the home while the children where sleeping and a neighbor called the police and the results of that were pretty negative.

I wish I had or he had left the home for a SHORT time to be able to process things without being in each others faces. Just my 2 cents.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 10-23-2017, 08:43 PM
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Sounds like you need a break and to get organized.

Ask Mom to watch the kids for a weekend. Invite your husband to go to a couples retreat (boot camp-type which is offered by some churches I believe) or, at the very least, a concentrated weekend of meetings in a neutral place to start to communicate. I'd recommend against having the discussions in your home as people tend to behave better, with less yelling and name-calling, in a neutral place such as a decent restaurant.

Don't think things are going to be fixed, one way or another, in a short period of time. Your marriage has fallen apart over the past 2 years it sounds. Don't beat yourself up and DO NOT start playing the blame game with each other. Counselling, of course, would be optimal but you have suggested this in the past and your ex hasn't agreed (so perhaps you have to try other things?... Your ex could have disagreed with counselling if you suggested it to him in the middle of a fight: timing is everything for these sorts of things).

I only had one kid but I do recall when he was young, and I was at home, I was totally exhausted. Ex wanted to fuck all the time and I was totally not interested. Parents took kids for weekends and sometimes weeks at a time. That helped immensely. If your parents want to help, this is something they can do.

Before you throw in the towel look at doing everything you can do to see if there is a way to communicate with the father of your children... your former lover, once again. If nothing happens, then at least you can look your kids in their eyes in the future and tell them that you tried everything.

If your ex is threatening, at any time, you call the police and have him removed from the home. Period. He is a grown adult and has to deal with his problems. Consider purchasing a home security system.

What other posters have told you is true in that you will likely be unsuccessful using your ex's outbursts/violence against you in past (when you did not report it) to help your current situation.

Hey if your ex wants to sell you the kids for 85k then that might be something to consider LOL - will be alot cheaper than an out-and-out trial. No, seriously, keep those texts. Ideally, email is a better mode of communication as you can later try to get him to agree to Our Family Wizard, or another software program, with which to communicate with. Courts have endorsed the program for many years.

Last edited by arabian; 10-23-2017 at 08:46 PM.
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 10-24-2017, 08:56 AM
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I've helped many mothers on these forums deal with douchebag ex's so I just want to make sure you're aware that I do not believe that all women make false allegations etc. I tend to analyze the details of posts very carefully.

In my experience when posters only mention abuse after they're being disagreed with it's to try and sway everybody to their side. The allegations are usually sprinkled with custody matters such as..... he wants 50-50 and I want him to leave the home ...I don't want to give him 50-50 blah blah.

If you're a victim of extreme abuse you're in the wrong place. You need to contact CAS immediately and report everything he's done and let them know that you're concerned about the safety of your children around your soon-to-be-ex.

Personally I find the timing of your allegations of abuse extremely coincidental and so will the police and CAS

Making allegations of that nature right after your husband asks for a divorce will not look good. Him asking for a divorce should not have been the Catalyst to allegations of all kinds of abuse and addiction. This is what I see and I guess other posters such as sots apparently do not.
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Old 10-24-2017, 09:27 AM
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One thing not mentioned so far ( I think ) is that if you go to court to resolve this,
1) parenting schedules ordered vary widely, with the most common pattern being that dad physically splits from mom+kids, mom witholds the kids as financial leverage, and after a year of wrangling in court, dad manages to win back a measly every -other weekend parenting time. If dad keeps cool, and persists, and has $ he can get back to a 50-50 arrangement. Either way, the legal costs to the parents are huge - and always a magnitude bigger than expected at the outset. Do you really want to buy your lawyer a new car?
2) child support is ordered according to law - not that much wiggle room.
3) spousal support is argued

So Please both educate yourself on what are the canadian laws and guidelines governing support and access.

The same goes for splitting of assets and debts - called 'equalization'. E.g if you want to stay in the house, you will have to pay him half of the equity (ie market value minus mortgage). Or settle that amount by taking on more of the non-mortgage debt or giving up some other asset eg savings.

In court you must argue towards the laws n guidelines, so you have to know what they are. You can read for yourself or pay a lawyer $200-$400 hourly to explain to you.

Last edited by dinkyface; 10-24-2017 at 09:39 AM.
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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 10-24-2017, 10:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
Thank you for the replies. I didn't realize it would be consider abduction if I told him where I was going and when I would be back. I appreciate you telling me. You can tell I know nothing about this and my head is spinning.
Self-help remedies like removing the children without consent is not a good idea. It doesn't put you in the best light with the court system.

Remember, that telling someone you are going to do something isn't the same things as getting their CONSENT to do it. Right now, you both have joint custody under the law and he has a right to lawful care and charge of the children just as you are.

Perception is a very key thing to consider in all this. You may not intend for your action to be something but, the court may perceive it as something totally different.

If you are going to do something like this, even for a week, you should make an offer for the children to reside with you for a week, him to have access on Wednesday of the week and then, he has the kids for a week and you have access to the kids on Wednesday. Equal is better than taking them, telling him and thinking that it is "ok" to do. It is simply NOT.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
BUt he is violent. He has strangled me in the front of the children. He has spanked our developmentally delayed son who cannot comprhend his actions, he swears and yells in front of the children. He screamed at my son when he was a month old to STFU.
You should be calling the police if this is true. There is no statute of limitation on this kind of stuff. Abuse is abuse and if there is an ounce of truth to this then you should woman-up and call the police and have them investigate.

Now, just to warn you much of this reads as one-time incidents. The court will NOT take away children from parents for this generally. I know this sounds like crazy talk because they impact you. But, you need to consider a number of factors that the courts will consider. The court looks at things with a much larger and broader stroke than you will. You are best to retain a lawyer who can assess your situation better.

You are advised to read this posting to see how a judge tackles the difficulty with the term "abuse": http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ase-law-16809/

Good Luck!
Tayken
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 10-24-2017, 11:01 AM
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In addition...

This is a recent case that demonstrates a pattern of behavior of false allegations of domestic violence and/or abuse. Pay close attention to how the judge breaks down the argument.

Brown v. Elliott, 2017 ONSC 180 (CanLII)

Date: 2017-09-14
Docket: FS 15-264 BRT
Citation: Brown v. Elliott, 2017 ONSC 180 (CanLII)
http://canlii.ca/t/h5xjt

What you should learn is that judges can easily break down what is a "story" and what is actual "evidence". Judges are well trained in all of this. Very well trained. Your argument isn't as easy to make as you would think.

The new beatitude: "Good luck..."
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 10-24-2017, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingFather32 View Post
I've helped many mothers on these forums deal with douchebag ex's so I just want to make sure you're aware that I do not believe that all women make false allegations etc. I tend to analyze the details of posts very carefully.

In my experience when posters only mention abuse after they're being disagreed with it's to try and sway everybody to their side. The allegations are usually sprinkled with custody matters such as..... he wants 50-50 and I want him to leave the home ...I don't want to give him 50-50 blah blah.

If you're a victim of extreme abuse you're in the wrong place. You need to contact CAS immediately and report everything he's done and let them know that you're concerned about the safety of your children around your soon-to-be-ex.

Personally I find the timing of your allegations of abuse extremely coincidental and so will the police and CAS

Making allegations of that nature right after your husband asks for a divorce will not look good. Him asking for a divorce should not have been the Catalyst to allegations of all kinds of abuse and addiction. This is what I see and I guess other posters such as sots apparently do not.
and what do I not see? If you re-read my post I said that

With that being said, unless there is a police report, witnesses or he admits it, there isnt much use in trying to use that. Not that I am saying it didnt happen, but unless there is proof it may look like positioning to try and get sole custody.
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Old 10-25-2017, 09:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
He has sent me texts saying that if I give him $85,000 he will not fight me for joint custody.
What an idiot.

Have a conversation where you negotiate. Maybe offer him $50,000 to drop the custody fight. The point is to show that he is serious. Don't worry, you are not going to actually pay him. The point of the negotiation is to show that all he cares about is money, and all you care about is the darling children. Those texts are going to kill him.

Once you have agreed on the figure, go to court and get sole custody for free.
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 10-26-2017, 06:12 PM
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Quote:
I failed to leave out a lot of the details, because I Didn't want to turn my post into a husband bashing one. BUt he is violent. He has strangled me in the front of the children. He has spanked our developmentally delayed son who cannot comprhend his actions, he swears and yells in front of the children. He screamed at my son when he was a month old to STFU.
Regarding the physical abuse against you. Did you call the police and get a police report? If not, not reporting it is your fault and its not going to help your case now. Every single family law judge hears 10 times a day a woman who tries to use abuse as a reason to deny fair custody to the other parent. This tactic is really starting to backfire...so if you did nothing about it, don't bother to think it matters now.

That being said, if he does ANYTHING threatening or violent towards you, call the police.

By the way, both my kids were extremely collicky when they were babies and I think I screamed at one of them to "shut the hell up" when she kept crying for 6 hours straight and I had gone 2 months without more than a couple hours of sleep each night. Its pretty normal for new parents to have a freak out here and there. And believe me, the kid didn't care and will have no memory of it. In fact, I told my youngest about the time that I was holding her and told her that "if she didn't stop crying, she better grow some wings because I was gonna throw her out the window." (Yea, that happened)...Luckily, she's very amused by the story.

Point being, its not something that's going to win you an unfair and unequal split in custody. Its petty and irrelevant and that types of nonsense will hurt...not help in court.

Parenting isn't a skill you're born with....it takes practice. And him being out of a stressful marriage and having one-on-one time with his own children in a setting he's comfortable with might make him a much better parent than you think. Regardless, he has the right to fair access until he does something to justify not having it.

Quote:
They are in daycare because I do not trust him with them.
Understand that when you get divorced, you don't get to make the unilateral decision...you don't own the kids. The judge isn't going to give a crap about your version of his trustworthiness. You are biased and not credible. The judge will ask to get expert evidence which can be a long and sometimes very expensive process.

My advice...be reasonable and be fair.


Quote:
To answer your questions, I want him to leave because he has told me he does not want to live with us and the children anymore. He specifically said he does not want them more than once, and only when I agreed to give him his divorce he is now trying to intimate me saying he NOW wants joint custody. I 100% believe it is not a genuine wish. He only wants to fight me for it to make my life more difficult.
People in bad marriages say a lot of hateful things. Its not relevant. I'm sure its not completely one sided..it never is.

Quote:
He has sent me texts saying that if I give him $85,000 he will not fight me for joint custody.
Weird number.

Quote:
I truly do not believe my kids being with my husband is in their best interest. Maybe when they're older it will be, but certianly not now. They have too many needs he is unable or willing to help them with.
What you believe is irrelevant. You don't own the children and don't get to make this decision. The sooner you accept that, the easier this process will be for you.

He is their father and has the same, equal rights as you do. You can't kick him out of his own home...and you can't take away his parental rights. Period. The more you try to do this...the more likely you're the one who will lose parental access to your children.

Quote:
That's where I was coming from. I truly am trying extremely hard to not bash him, make this about him or about me. Everything I'm trying to do is what I honestly believe to be in their best interest.
He may be the biggest asshole in the world...and you may be perfect.

But that's who you had children with and he's their father.

Quote:
I wanted to take them to my parents house because my husband wont even talk to the kids now. HE comes home and he walks right by them. They call his name and he ignores them. It's confusing and upsetting for them.
People in bad marriage and divorce situations are not in a good place and often have bitterness, anger and anxiety. Its too bad if he's letting that get in the way of parenting his children and I hope he straightens up. But I think this is more about trying to hurt you than him trying to hurt his kids. The sooner you guys are able to get into your own spaces, the sooner you can both start focusing on just the kids.

I wish you the best but you need to focus on doing what you need to do and stop worrying about what he's doing. Your job at this point is to show why you deserve to be an equal parent...not trying to whittle away at his rights.
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