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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 10-23-2017, 02:17 PM
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Default My husband sent me a text saying he wants a divorce

Hi all,

I'm very happy to have found this site. I am feeling extremely lost and like I have no one to talk to about this.

I am 35 years old with 2 kids, one with special needs. They are young - 3 and 1 years old.

I have been married for 6 years. It's been rocky. I don't want to get into all of my husband's short comings, but we have slept on separate floors for 2 years, and it's a struggle to get along. Most of the time we are so tired from work, the house, and taking care of the kids that we just don't interact. I'm often too tired to fight so when he does something stupid, hurtful or careless, I just ignore it because I don't have the energy to fight.

Yesterday I took the kids out for a play date and I get a picture boxes of toys I had purchased for Christmas from my husband. It's accompanied by a nasty message saying he is sick to death of all of the junk in our house and he can't live like this and wants a divorce. He doesn't want to live with me anymore, and doesn't want to live with our children anymore.

I purposely remained calm in my texts, and he just fired off at me going off about how I'm a slob, criticizing my family, and my parenting skills.

I asked him if he was serious about wanting a divorce and he said yes.

I work full time (he doesn't right now), so I told him to leave the house and my mom will watch the kids later in the week.

He FREAKED out and sent my very kind and supportive mom a text message basically telling her to stay out of this.

She had no clue what he was talking about, so she called me and I filled her in. She was livid at what he had done and was very kind to me and told me her and my dad would help me through this.

This all happened yesterday and we have not spoke. My husband is still in the house and refuses to leave. He is now saying he DOES want to live with the kids and if I leave he will fight me for custody.

I truly don't care that my husband wants to leave me. If it was just me, I'd be happy and feel free. It just breaks my heart that he couldn't give a shit about the kids. I am also worried how I am going to raise two kids by myself. How will I have enough time or money for both of them?

I also refuse to allow him joint custody. He can't financially support them (he could only afford a small condo without me), and he drinks way too much. plus I think they are too young for the back and forth that would come with joint custody.

Today my mom, who is normally amazing, sent me a text telling me that I "have to figure this out". I have not confided in her about just how devastated I am, and I think she's annoyed at how juvenile my husband is. She's clearly fed up, and I don't blame her.

I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I have an appointment with a lawyer, and I'm trying to get into see my counselor (I go solo - my husband refuses to go).

I don't know if I should pack up the kids and go to my parents house, or if I should stand my ground and wait for him to leave. (I can afford our house on my own - he cannot).

I'm sorry for such a huge ramble. My head is just spinning and I don't know where to go from here.

I've never felt so lost, hurt, stressed, betrayed and confused.

Thank you to anyone who read this.
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  #2 (permalink)  
Old 10-23-2017, 02:41 PM
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Lets take a deep breath here.

Perhaps you need to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk. He has alcohol issues and is unemployed. These are big stressors and can cause animosity. Plus you sound like you have had a great deal on your plate and carry resentment. Perhaps it might be time to speak to a marriage counselor first. See if you both can work through some of the issues and get your life back on track.

If that won’t work, you have to start getting your head around NOT thinking you get to dictate to him on what your divorce will be. You cant simply say he cant have the kids. He will fight for it. Plus you need to think long term in the best interest of the kids.

Speak with your counselor and the lawyer and get a good grasp on what could and what will happen. If you absolutely cannot stay married to this man then divorce is a reality. You will however have to continue to co parent with him and you don’t get to dictate how that will happen. He is their father and has rights to their care as well.
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Old 10-23-2017, 02:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
I work full time (he doesn't right now), so I told him to leave the house and my mom will watch the kids later in the week.
You have no right to tell him to leave. In fact, this was a mistake and will be used against you. He has equal right to reside and live in the home. He also in accordance with Rule 20.(1) of the CLRA is a joint custodial parent.

Quote:
20 (1) Except as otherwise provided in this Part, a child’s parents are equally entitled to custody of the child. 2016, c. 23, s. 2 (1).
Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
He FREAKED out and sent my very kind and supportive mom a text message basically telling her to stay out of this.
As she should.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
My husband is still in the house and refuses to leave. He is now saying he DOES want to live with the kids and if I leave he will fight me for custody.
He has no reason to leave. He does not have to leave. You have NO RIGHT to tell him to leave. Sorry to say but you are 100% wrong on this one and you asking him to leave was REALLY WRONG.

Stop it now and get a lawyer. The lawyer will tell you the same thing. STOP! You don't own the house or the children. You are joint custodial parents.

You want to not fight over custody and access. Settle now on joint custody and equal access on a 50-50 access schedule based on a 2-2-3 rotation. This is what a court will order should you show up unless the other parent is a *risk* to the children.

Neither you nor the other parent are going to "win" anything in a custody and access battle. The children will only lose.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
It just breaks my heart that he couldn't give a shit about the kids. I am also worried how I am going to raise two kids by myself. How will I have enough time or money for both of them?
Doublespeak on your part. You just said he is refusing to leave the house and will fight you for custody and access. So, how does this demonstrate he doesn't "give a shit about the kids"???

Warning: The users hear read things in great detail.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
I also refuse to allow him joint custody.
YOu don't get to make that choice. In accordance with THE LAW he is a joint custodial parent until a court orders otherwise. Courts do not make rash decisions on motions anymore. You will have to go to a full trial or get him to agree to giving you sole custody. Furthermore you will have to have EVIDENCE and not just an "emotional reaction" to get ordered as the SOLE CUSTODIAL parent. It is a pipe dream that you are living.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
He can't financially support them (he could only afford a small condo without me), and he drinks way too much. plus I think they are too young for the back and forth that would come with joint custody.
In divorce everyone drinks way too much. If you start throwing crap allegations like these without hard evidence (like him being in rehab) a court won't care. Unless CAS has already come because of his drinking and there is a genuine protection concern your allegation is wasteful and only creates unnecessary conflict.

Want to waste 100K+ on divorce. Alledge someone who is a social drinking is really a drunk and spend the next 2-3 years trying to prove it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
Today my mom, who is normally amazing, sent me a text telling me that I "have to figure this out".
Your mom is a very smart woman. Listen to her. You do need to figure this one out. Being angry just costs money. Throwing allegations only costs 10s of thousands of dollars. Trying to "win" in court will waste 100s of thousands of dollars.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I have an appointment with a lawyer, and I'm trying to get into see my counselor (I go solo - my husband refuses to go).
Those are the two best things you can do. Go to a reputable lawyer though. There are lots of crappy ones who will tell you that because you have young kids you will "win" in court. In fact, if they use the word "win" or anything similar walk out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
I don't know if I should pack up the kids and go to my parents house, or if I should stand my ground and wait for him to leave. (I can afford our house on my own - he cannot).
If you pack up the kids you are violating Section 283.(1) of the Criminal Code of Canada "Abduction". If you need all the references to family law judges losing their minds at people who "abduct" children as a self help remedy and restrict the other parent their lawful care and charge of the children let me know. I have hundreds of articles and piles of case law on this site.

But, you are going to a lawyer who will tell you the very same thing I told you. You will not be looked upon by the court as reasonable should you do this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
I'm sorry for such a huge ramble. My head is just spinning and I don't know where to go from here.
Lawyer and counselor. Both good steps to take now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
I've never felt so lost, hurt, stressed, betrayed and confused.
Its going to get worse if you remove the children without consent or a court order from their primary residence. Furthermore, if your parents are party to that conduct they could find themselves as contributors to the removal and not trusted by the court either.

Good LucK!
Tayken

Last edited by Tayken; 10-23-2017 at 02:44 PM.
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  #4 (permalink)  
Old 10-23-2017, 02:48 PM
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1- why should he leave its his home too.

2-you picked him to be a father that means for the rest of the kids life, why would you think that he should no longer be part of raising them now that the marriage is over?

3-bad talking a guy that you picked to be a father, reflects on you be above this

4- 50/50 and share custody is reality, again why should your kids get less time with one parent?

5- kids are not to move they are not in danger, no Criminal record or Child services involved no reason to disrupt them or bad mouthing him. OK then as a dad OK now to be a dad.

6- are the kids in daycare or is dad taking care of them while you work?

7- its not about what you think is best for the kids, its about what really is best for the kids.

8-Stop thinking that all belongs to you,

Good luck people will be giving you a reality check...take the advice or it will cost you and the kids. Be smart put your feeling aside, no matter what he dose.
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Old 10-23-2017, 02:59 PM
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Thank you for the replies. I didn't realize it would be consider abduction if I told him where I was going and when I would be back. I appreciate you telling me. You can tell I know nothing about this and my head is spinning.

I failed to leave out a lot of the details, because I Didn't want to turn my post into a husband bashing one. BUt he is violent. He has strangled me in the front of the children. He has spanked our developmentally delayed son who cannot comprhend his actions, he swears and yells in front of the children. He screamed at my son when he was a month old to STFU.

I am stupid and foolish for not telling anyone when it happened. I thought he would get better and we could go to counseling and try to fix our family. To this day, he refuses to go.

They are in daycare because I do not trust him with them.

To answer your questions, I want him to leave because he has told me he does not want to live with us and the children anymore. He specifically said he does not want them more than once, and only when I agreed to give him his divorce he is now trying to intimate me saying he NOW wants joint custody. I 100% believe it is not a genuine wish. He only wants to fight me for it to make my life more difficult.

He has sent me texts saying that if I give him $85,000 he will not fight me for joint custody.

I truly do not believe my kids being with my husband is in their best interest. Maybe when they're older it will be, but certianly not now. They have too many needs he is unable or willing to help them with.

That's where I was coming from. I truly am trying extremely hard to not bash him, make this about him or about me. Everything I'm trying to do is what I honestly believe to be in their best interest.

I wanted to take them to my parents house because my husband wont even talk to the kids now. HE comes home and he walks right by them. They call his name and he ignores them. It's confusing and upsetting for them.
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  #6 (permalink)  
Old 10-23-2017, 03:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
You have no right to tell him to leave. In fact, this was a mistake and will be used against you. He has equal right to reside and live in the home. He also in accordance with Rule 20.(1) of the CLRA is a joint custodial parent.





As she should.



He has no reason to leave. He does not have to leave. You have NO RIGHT to tell him to leave. Sorry to say but you are 100% wrong on this one and you asking him to leave was REALLY WRONG.

Stop it now and get a lawyer. The lawyer will tell you the same thing. STOP! You don't own the house or the children. You are joint custodial parents.

You want to not fight over custody and access. Settle now on joint custody and equal access on a 50-50 access schedule based on a 2-2-3 rotation. This is what a court will order should you show up unless the other parent is a *risk* to the children.

Neither you nor the other parent are going to "win" anything in a custody and access battle. The children will only lose.



Doublespeak on your part. You just said he is refusing to leave the house and will fight you for custody and access. So, how does this demonstrate he doesn't "give a shit about the kids"???

Warning: The users hear read things in great detail.



YOu don't get to make that choice. In accordance with THE LAW he is a joint custodial parent until a court orders otherwise. Courts do not make rash decisions on motions anymore. You will have to go to a full trial or get him to agree to giving you sole custody. Furthermore you will have to have EVIDENCE and not just an "emotional reaction" to get ordered as the SOLE CUSTODIAL parent. It is a pipe dream that you are living.



In divorce everyone drinks way too much. If you start throwing crap allegations like these without hard evidence (like him being in rehab) a court won't care. Unless CAS has already come because of his drinking and there is a genuine protection concern your allegation is wasteful and only creates unnecessary conflict.

Want to waste 100K+ on divorce. Alledge someone who is a social drinking is really a drunk and spend the next 2-3 years trying to prove it.



Your mom is a very smart woman. Listen to her. You do need to figure this one out. Being angry just costs money. Throwing allegations only costs 10s of thousands of dollars. Trying to "win" in court will waste 100s of thousands of dollars.



Those are the two best things you can do. Go to a reputable lawyer though. There are lots of crappy ones who will tell you that because you have young kids you will "win" in court. In fact, if they use the word "win" or anything similar walk out.



If you pack up the kids you are violating Section 283.(1) of the Criminal Code of Canada "Abduction". If you need all the references to family law judges losing their minds at people who "abduct" children as a self help remedy and restrict the other parent their lawful care and charge of the children let me know. I have hundreds of articles and piles of case law on this site.

But, you are going to a lawyer who will tell you the very same thing I told you. You will not be looked upon by the court as reasonable should you do this.



Lawyer and counselor. Both good steps to take now.



Its going to get worse if you remove the children without consent or a court order from their primary residence. Furthermore, if your parents are party to that conduct they could find themselves as contributors to the removal and not trusted by the court either.

Good LucK!
Tayken
I'm not on these forums much anymore, but posts like this actually improved my day. Listen to every single word that Tayken has said here. Don't just Listen, study it.

This must be an extremely trying time for you so you need to stay strong. Every word you text, email or say can be used against you so remain calm, resolution focused, rational and things will turn out the best way possible for the kids.

Let me be clear in saying that if and when you divorce that does not mean he is excluded from the children's lives. As Tayken mentioned, he has already warned you that he will fight for custody which means he does in fact give a s*** about the kids.

The two of you are in no position to evaluate each other's parenting skills at the moment. Divorce and separation with warring parents breed subjective, irrational and emotional interpretations of one another. A few beers after work transform into a raging alcoholic. A slight raise in voice transforms into extreme verbal abuse. Buying a new fishing rod transforms into financial irresponsibility.

If you are indeed going to proceed with the same garbage most couples do in these situations you better have documented evidence of everything that you allege. Judges dislike wasting their time on the he said she said BS.

To be completely honest, given your posts, you are completely worn out and in my opinion may be at high risk for meeting the symptom clusters in the DSM for depression.

Working with the special needs population has been my field for my entire career. I've worked in many families homes and understand the complexities associated with children who have diagnosis such as ADD, ASD, bipolar, GDD, schizophrenia and much more.

Being in a household 8 hours per day I've watched the dissolution of marriages right before my eyes. Parents become exhausted, household chores aren't complete, any romance or sex life have completely vanished and parents begin to blame each other for their lives. In more than half of my cases depression was involved with one parent,sometimes both.

I think it's fantastic that you're speaking with a therapist and the situation would improve markedly if your husband would do the same. If you would like any advice, referrals or anything else regarding your children I have much experience and many connections so please feel free to p.m. me.

Keep your chin up and read every one of these posters advice very carefully. Here on the forums many of us have different points of view but in the end it provides a holistic array of ideas and advice. We don't always agree but in the end we come together as a team to help parents like you.

I wish you the very best of luck in the coming days, weeks months, and years

Last edited by LovingFather32; 10-23-2017 at 03:29 PM.
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Old 10-23-2017, 03:46 PM
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Default Sam old...same old.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
BUt he is violent. He has strangled me in the front of the children. He has spanked our developmentally delayed son who cannot comprhend his actions, he swears and yells in front of the children. He screamed at my son when he was a month old to STFU.
I knew this was coming. I could smell it. Right about now is when a few posters agree with you and encourage you to not go 50/50.

So then he must have a police record and a lengthy CAS file? You can make great use of that in court.

Quote:
To answer your questions, I want him to leave because he has told me he does not want to live with us and the children anymore.
You dont want to leave him because of his extreme violence, etc? Only because he wants to leave you? Now you have me thinking.

Quote:
He specifically said he does not want them more than once, and only when I agreed to give him his divorce he is now trying to intimate me saying he NOW wants joint custody. I 100% believe it is not a genuine wish. He only wants to fight me for it to make my life more difficult.
We dont care what you believe. He told you he wants his kids jointly. I hear the same old story here. Dad only asks for joint custody to make mom's life hard. It couldn't be that he "actually" wants his kids right? Could it be that you dont want him to have 50/50 as punishment because he wants a divorce?

Quote:
He has sent me texts saying that if I give him $85,000 he will not fight me for joint custody.
I call BS on that .. but whatever. If that's the case then you're right about everything. Your first post didn't mention any of this .. only when posters didn't agree with you did these details come up. Interesting.

Quote:
I truly do not believe my kids being with my husband is in their best interest. Maybe when they're older it will be, but certainly not now. They have too many needs he is unable or willing to help them with.
You're pissed off and emotional. You're in no position to evaluate his parenting skills. All negative attributes will be amplified and positive ones not mentioned.

You chose him as a husband and a father...remember that.

Quote:
I truly am trying extremely hard to not bash him, make this about him or about me.
I predicted this would happen in my previous post .. (he will become a raging alcoholic, abusive, etc). Either every single man on earth are these things during a separation or parents use it as a strategy. I swear lawyers have templates on their computer for every separation (man = abusive, alcoholic, drug addict).

I for one question your ability to parent if you sit around and watch your kids endure this type of sever abuse....that's just me though.
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Old 10-23-2017, 03:53 PM
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I'm not really sure why your post was so hostile. I am not lying about anything I said in either of my posts. I know it doesn't help me to get advice from people if I'm just making shit up.

I posted because I already feel extremely confused, alone, sad and depressed. I am worried sick about my children.

I really didn't need to read your last post.

Last edited by momof2gr8kids; 10-23-2017 at 03:53 PM. Reason: h
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Old 10-23-2017, 04:23 PM
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momof2gr8kids

Please keep in mind that there are a lot of trigger issues with the group (me included).

There is also a lot of good advice in their posts.

Aim for equal everything, try to be fair, and take a lot of deep calming breathes.

And please remember not to confuse "justice with the law". Just because you think something is unfair, the law might say different.

Good luck.
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Old 10-23-2017, 05:40 PM
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There's plenty of posters here who view every new situation brought up through the perspective of their own experience, and will be quick to view you as a new incarnation of their Ex. In your story they can only see the actions of their own Ex's, and the bitterness comes out quickly. I'm sure you'll spot them quickly enough and learn to ignore their drama.

There is however plenty of good advice in the posts above if you choose to read through it all without taking it personally.

Just remember, the more fighting and issues in a divorce, the richer the lawyers become, and the less there is for the kids. And children tend to lose a lot more than just money in divorces.
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