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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 11:05 AM
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Please leave your passive-aggressive attitude for another thread.
Ummmm...try sarcasm. I'm not passive agressive. I'm quite non-passive when I'm aggressive actually. If you don't believe me, call my ex.

Quote:
I didn't come here to have people tell me what I wanted to hear; I came for advice from people who were once HAPPILY married - and are now divorced. I'm sure many of the members in this thread were very happy in their marriage, all I ask is for their experience of divorce and whether they think marriage works for the majority of people.
You don't get the very amusing irony of coming to a divorce website to ask people here whether or not its a good idea to get married?

The material point is that if you were mature enough to get married, you wouldn't need to be here because no one anywhere can tell you whether or not to do it. Marriage isn't something you do on concensus....nor should it be. Its akin to asking a bunch of manic depressives if life is worth living. If you here asking about reasonable precautions to take...that makes sense...but to ask whether or not you should get married at a divorce website is f'ing ridiculous. You're a kid trying to find validation for fears you have. This isn't therapy buddy...but you should probably get some.

The question isn't whether or not you're with the right girl...the question is whether or not she's with the right man. Personally, I think she'd be better off with a guy who's balls have actually dropped.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 11:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Ummmm...try sarcasm. I'm not passive agressive. I'm quite non-passive when I'm aggressive actually. If you don't believe me, call my ex.



You don't get the very amusing irony of coming to a divorce website to ask people here whether or not its a good idea to get married?

The material point is that if you were mature enough to get married, you wouldn't need to be here because no one anywhere can tell you whether or not to do it. Marriage isn't something you do on concensus....nor should it be. Its akin to asking a bunch of manic depressives if life is worth living. If you here asking about reasonable precautions to take...that makes sense...but to ask whether or not you should get married at a divorce website is f'ing ridiculous. You're a kid trying to find validation for fears you have. This isn't therapy buddy...but you should probably get some.

The question isn't whether or not you're with the right girl...the question is whether or not she's with the right man. Personally, I think she'd be better off with a guy who's balls have actually dropped.
Roflmfao!! Almost shot my coffee out of my nose on that one.
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 01:21 PM
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Hey Kingdom:

Again, I think you're very smart to look at what COULD happen. After all, no one THINKS they will be the 50% whose marriages fly apart but you can't ignore it ! Everyone of course has their own opinions. SOME people get through divorce relatively unscathed. Of course they think divorce is "not too bad".

As noted earlier, it really just boils down the income differential between the two of you. For kids, it often depends if she's reasonable (ie. willing to go 50% custody) or a vindictive controlling bitch who wants to give you limited access to YOUR kids. Who knows how she'll be 20 years (or 20 minutes lol) after you're married.

And, interesting how no one has commented on my posts that marriage does NOT mean committment. Either of one you can leave for ANY or NO reason at all ! All marriage does is make leaving VERY complicated and potentially VERY expensive.

I really wish I had known how unfair the marriage laws were before I got married. Unfortunately the internet was not really accessible the way it is now. If it was, I would like to think I would do what you're doing and LISTEN to guys who have gone through it. You're very lucky you at least now have your eyes opened to the potential financial nightmare which could be awaiting you.

ASSUMING the guy makes the bulk of the income and the gal is a stay at home mom, marriage is GREAT for the female but SUCKS for the guy. So, why bother with it ?

If I told you that if you invested with a certain bank there was a 50% chance it would go bankrupt and take half you investments, would you REALLY even consider dealing with them ? Marriage is kind of like that.

People seem to think if you don't get married then you get have a long term relationship which is crap. Assuming she's NOT out to screw you over, other than "tradition" why can't you just have years of dating ? If she' hell bent on a dream "wedding", have a MOCK wedding, let her wear the effing dress and you can pay for it all. Trust me, the most expensive wedding is a drop in the bucket vs divorce.

Anyway, I'm envious that you're wise enough to "look before you leap". Dont' make the same mistake many guys here did. Just date and have fun, don't get married or live common law. It's really not worth the risk my friend. If she truly is not looking to take your cash why won't she just continue status quo. Think about it !!!

Take care and good luck !
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 01:35 PM
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A partnership involves each person contributing to their best abilities to the partnership. If she earns less than you, then she will contribute less (at least, financially).

If you think that you will likely earn more than her over the next 10-20 years, and you are uncomfortable with this idea of partnership then SPLIT NOW and FIND ANOTHER PARTNER.

Discuss kids NOW. If you are not on the same page with regards to sharing child-rearing responsibilities (that includes taking time off work, even if you earn much more than her), then realise that you are putting yourself at risk of becoming the 'babysitter with the wallet' (to put it extremely harshly) if you split.

If you currently own significant assets (and she has much less), and you are not comfortable with splitting them 50-50 if you split, then GET A PRENUP. Given your ages, I'd assume this is an unlikely problem. Prenups are more often used for older couples who want to marry, where one side (or both!) have amassed some property, and they want to override the 50-50 sharing prescribed by marriage.

If you do not trust her now to contribute to her best abilities, and to try to marginalise you as parent, then when WILL you trust her? At this time you don't have much of a history, so trust is a big issue when deciding what to do right now.

Here's an idea ... possibly there are 'marriage courses' out there (there SHOULD be!) built to educate partners in legal, relationship, child-raising, conflict-resolution issues etc. etc. Have a look to see if you can find something like this, and go together. Or, go to a few sessions with a marriage counsellor who can do the same sort of thing. The Catholic church does it ... but have no idea what the content is (hopefully it includes the legal ... but I'd guess they gloss over the 'if you split' part!). You get major points for being open, and you both get a 'mediated' opportunity to raise/discuss your issues.

Last edited by dinkyface; 12-01-2011 at 01:46 PM.
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by shellshocked22 View Post
have a MOCK wedding, let her wear the effing dress and you can pay for it all.
Well, there's a hell of a way to start building her expectations of being 'kept!'
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Mess View Post
There isn't really any unfairness unless your relationship is "unfair." If she doesn't work and you do, then you will definately pay support if you split up.

If you and she are both university educated and have careers, there is no reason to end up paying support.

If you have children it will tend the same way. If you and she share parenting equally in the relationship then you have an ideal chance of having shared parenting if you split up.

If she wants to get married it's pretty likely she wants children some day too. You would have to face this choice sooner or later.
Sorry Mess I disagree. Shared parenting is not as automatic as you seem to imply, suggesting that if they were sharing parenting while in the relationship. In fact most of us that have even through the system and are great dads can certainly prove otherwise the system is biased and men get screwed not only by their ex's but by the multibillion dollar industry that thrives on adversarial parents. The chance you mention should be ideal but is far from it in my opinion. I would close by saying that things seem to be changing for the better towards men, it has a long, long way to go before its 'fair'.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
you seem to contradict yourself a bit. You say you dont want to get married but then you seem to lean towards it. You say she is the right person and you do not want to split up with her, well that can happen if you are dating or living common law, not just married.

I am thinking you are just not ready for this step and you have to be honest with her. You may not want to split up but marriage might be something that is very important to her so she may wish to start a relationship with someone else who has the same goal as she does in regard to marriage.
You're right, I do seem to be contradicting myself - marriage isn't a big deal to me as much as it is to her. We've discussed what you've posted; that I'm not ready for that step - can you explain what maturity has to do with marriage? It's a big step that I believe a lot of people take too lightly.

I also mentioned she should be with a guy who wants to marry and have the same goals as her as her, as at the moment my main goal is my career. She was pretty understanding about it, said doesn't want to pressure me into anything.

I'm going to end the relationship as we don't have the same goals, thanks dude. We're both relatively young so we'll find ourselves with other people...just worried about her wanting to get back together as I've had this problem in the past with a few exes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Ummmm...try sarcasm. I'm not passive agressive. I'm quite non-passive when I'm aggressive actually. If you don't believe me, call my ex.
I don't want to call your ex, but it's obvious he's hurt you deeply and you're still not over the pain.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
You don't get the very amusing irony of coming to a divorce website to ask people here whether or not its a good idea to get married?

The material point is that if you were mature enough to get married, you wouldn't need to be here because no one anywhere can tell you whether or not to do it. Marriage isn't something you do on concensus....nor should it be. Its akin to asking a bunch of manic depressives if life is worth living. If you here asking about reasonable precautions to take...that makes sense...but to ask whether or not you should get married at a divorce website is f'ing ridiculous. You're a kid trying to find validation for fears you have. This isn't therapy buddy...but you should probably get some.
Definitely see the irony, still doesn't hurt to ask people who've been through the ringer. You come across as angry/bitter in your posts again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
The question isn't whether or not you're with the right girl...the question is whether or not she's with the right man. Personally, I think she'd be better off with a guy who's balls have actually dropped.
Please don't deflect your own failures on me, you're projecting your issues on me.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 01:55 PM
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And, interesting how no one has commented on my posts that marriage does NOT mean committment. Either of one you can leave for ANY or NO reason at all ! All marriage does is make leaving VERY complicated and potentially VERY expensive.
I'll comment!!!!!! lol...

What's your point? You're upset about the fact that people...or women...have the right to leave a relationship in the event that it isn't working out for them. What do you suggest marriage should be...a form of slavery? I have no issue with modifications to the marriage act as it was primarily started because women and children were considered chattel to the husband. I think its highly outdated and should be updated. And you can still find these types of laws in certain countries. For instance, you and the OP could go live in Saudi Arabia or Pakistan if he wants that type of marriage. In those countries, if your wife has an affair, you can bury her up to her neck in sand and throw rocks at her head. (Something tells me that you'd be ok with that.)

But in Canada...(hi there, welcome to the free world)...men and women are free to leave marriages that don't meet their needs and must comply to the divorce laws as set-out. I think freedom and choice are good things.

My point is simple. Life is all about risk. So going into any circumstance in life...you have to ensure that you've tried to look around all the corners, consider your options and make a sensible decision based on the available data you have at the time. If you look up data regarding human pair bonding...you'll find that with the right set of circumstances, humans can pair bond quite successfully for life...and these relationships help you live longer, healthier lives. In fact, there's recent data that the most common fundamental fact among human beings across socioeconomic and geographical location is the desire to love, be loved, and bond with one partner. In fact, single men die earlier than any other group. BBC News | HEALTH | Single men 'die younger' (there are many, many articles on the subject..this is just one). The discovery channel just did a 3-day special on love, commitment and manogamy...you should watch it.

No one can tell you when to get married or whether or not it makes sense and frankly no one should. Its highly dependent on a very unique set of circumstances both internal and external to the people entering into the arrangement. But if you go through life not doing things because of risk...what a f'ing wimpy mook you are. You won't do anything. Don't have kids, don't drive, don't fly, holy shit don't drink the water!, don't have sex (if she cheats, you'll end up with weiner-warts!!!).....

I mean...what seriously stupid advice...and how equally stupid of the OP to even ask anyone on here's advice on anything besides reasonally precautions to take. Uh, hello...this is a divorce forum.

To the OP...you probably shouldn't marry at this point because you're going into it with completely the wrong mindset as a lot of people do entering upon marriage (including me. I fully admit that I married for all the wrong reasons). Leave the poor girl alone until you grow up and figure out that you don't need cynical strangers to stroke your man-vagina and make you feel better about decisions you should be making on your own.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 02:11 PM
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I don't want to call your ex, but it's obvious he's hurt you deeply and you're still not over the pain
Dude, its pretty silly to resort to a personal attack because you can't counter what I'm saying. I'm not hurt about my divorce...it was entirely my choice...nor do I consider my long marriage a failure. I have lovely children...my marriage just ran its course...like many do. You came here asking a stupid question now grow a pair of danglies and listen to opinions that don't support the pre-conceived assumptions and fears you walked in with. You can't learn anything if you think you know it all. Stop pouting like a classic control-freak because not everyone agrees with you.

Quote:
- can you explain what maturity has to do with marriage? It's a big step that I believe a lot of people take too lightly.
Really??? You need someone to explain that to you? Obviously because its a big step...one needs to be mature when making it. The very reason for the high divorce statistic is because its very hard to know at your age what changes you will go through and what you will need later in life. Maturity is a requirement because you need to make sure that you understand the incredible commitment that comes from the work to maintain a married life. You need to grasp that your set of needs and your spouses will change in time and if you do not stay in sync, your marriage will probably not survive.

Its the reason that people that marry later in life have more successful longevity statistics.

Anyway, I find this whole thread absolutely hilarious...so thanks for that.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 02:20 PM
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So here it is - to me marriage, children, family is worth a thousand risks at being happy, in a way complete as a person happy with who I am and to know when I turn my head in the morning this person beside me gives me the comfort of knowing that she WILL be there for me - better or worse.

I must be one of those sappy romantics that truly believes. FOR WHAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH every person that finds out can't believe it. We "should have been divorced 10 times over" to what we made it through as a couple and now just as the brass ring is in sight she finally had enough. But for me it had to happen because if it didn't continuing as we were was eating me alive. She just stopped trying when I hit my lowest point it was too much for her - ok. But if what I have learned even comes close to panning out it will be a shame - why because if it actually takes one specific perscription to rebalance my brain and I would again be the person i was 8 or 10 years ago..... but I wait to see a person who has helped countless people just like me??? I remain skeptical and hopefull all at the same time........

Either way even after going through what I am living now, a living horror, down the road if the right oerson comes into my life and we are sure, as sure as we both can be - I would be willing to take that risk of being "complete" once again. Life is too short. But do what it takes to be sure in your heart and soul that you have the right person and remember that from that dday forward you treat each other as if you were just married, listen to your partner and never ever take this person for granted.

Now what happened in this relationship?????? Breaks my heart. I am still that romantic deep down.
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